The City Recap: Fucklemackle vs. Fucklemackle

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  • We kick things off with Whitney and Roxy Horror getting some sun whilst laying out in Central Park.  I’m not sure if they spray-painted the grass around them bright green because I’ve been there a million times and it’s never that green.  Also, Whitney looks like she’s wearing nursing scrubs. 
  • Later Whitney and Freddie Fucklemackle go to play a little tennis.  Insert “Balls flying at Whitney’s face” joke here ________.
  • Question and Answerless Time:  How the F old is Freddie Fucklemackle?  Looks 40.  Also, what kind of jacked up accent does he have?  Half the time he sounds like he’s from Connecticut and the other half he sounds like Mr. Belvedere.  What gives?  Also, who cares.
  • Meanwhile on the other show “Erin Jo and Olivia Take Manhattan, Boringly” we learn that Joe Zee Messina wants Erin Jo and Olivia to interview some bloggers for their magazine.  I’m going to repeat that.  …Interview some bloggers for their magazine.  One more time.  ….Interview some bloggers.  Bloggers.  Sure the bloggers talk about fashion, but why the hell couldn’t they have interviewed me!?  I was totally robbed.  They could have asked me questions like, “Why are you such a complete toolbag?” and “You suck.”  I’m sure that last one would have been from Olivia because she thinks “you suck” is a question.
  • Whilst Joe Zee Messina is instructing them what to do, Erin Jo is making faces like he’s teaching them how to do Asian math.
  • Whito, Roxy Horror, and Sammy Pants are driving to the Hamptons (again, not invited) in Sammy Pants’ Infiniti.  Roxy Horror takes this opportunity to grill the absolute piss out of Sammy Pants.  At one point she asks her what’s the nasty thing she’s ever done.  Sammy couldn’t respond to that, but everyone knows the answer to that question is always, “F*cked your mother.”  Always. 
  • During this car ride of shame, we learn that the nastiest thing that Roxy Horror has ever done (besides being on The City) was getting drunk, taking off all her clothes, and getting a tattoo on her crotch.  Laaaaame.  I know girls who were doing that for their First Holy Communion.  But, I guess that was just a different time.  By the way, you totally know that her tattoo says, “Cutrone’s Bitch.”
  • So I want to hate Roxy Horror, but I can’t fully hate her.  Just when I start to hate, she busts out a dance.  This week she’s dancing to Heartbreaker by Mariah Carey.  Sitting in the backseat whilst doing the Running Man takes talent.  I almost want to get trashed with Roxy and rob a Chipotle.
  • So who did the Fucklemackle’s have to fucklemackle to get that Hampton’s house?  Roxy Horror is all over Prince Harry Fucklemackle whom she finds out is 21 yrs old…and then asks if he’s out of high school.  That would have to be a pretty dumb Fucklemackle do be 21 and still in high school.  Seriously this should be called the Roxy Horror Show.  Oh!
  • Meanwhile back on “Erin Jo and Olivia Take Manhattan, Boringly” Olivia is interviewing these bloggers like she’s trying to get the scoop for her high school newspaper.  She asks hard hitting questions like, “Why do you like shoes” and “Is that it?”  All brilliant in my book.  And what the hell is wrong with my little Olivia’s posture?  When she sits down she looks like she needs to be held up with string and a wooden “x” like she’s a marionette.
  • Erin Jo looks like she just dumped in her drawers and projectile vomit when Olivia tells her that she’s leaving for the day.  Hey, Olivia did put in a lot of work by asking those two girls 4 questions each.  That’s time-and-a-half sh*t right there.
  • Poor Erin Jo is forced to reinterview the girl who looks like Blossom…and we’re forced to watch it.
  • The Fucklemackle Gang head out for their night of sweaty dancing.  The place they go to looks like a f’n nightmare and the music sounds like they’re signaling a nuclear holocaust.  Fail on multiple levels.
  • Prince Harry Fucklemackle tries to kiss Whito and lands one on her cheek.  This whole scene is edited in overdrive.  Freddie Fucklemackle gets pissed at his little brother and so Prince Harry Fucklemackle retaliates by filling Whito in on a little secret that Freddie has a girlfriend.  Another Fuckle Buddy?  Shocking.
  • Reason Why I’m a Loser Alert:  Ok, so at one point while they’re at “da club” I’m pretty sure I spotted “Dottie” from “I’m a Jersey Shore Girl” dancing on a box in the middle of “da club.”  Anyone?  Anyone?
  • Erin Jo and Olivia stop by Joe Zee Messina’s office to go over the blogger interviews.  Poor Olivia.  She has to go over the questions she asked the bloggers and she has no clue what she’s doing.  She’s either flipping through the questions on her papers….or she’s just like “screw it” and it shuffling through the script to see what her next line is.
  • Erin Jo then lets the cat out of the bag and informs Joe Zee Messina that she had to interview the girls after Olivia left.  Da-da-duuuun.  I’d like to say that I don’t think this is scripted.  I actually think Erin Jo hates Olivia.  I also think that Olivia has brittle bones.
  • In the end, Freddie Fucklemackle is confronted about his hidden girlfriend to which he just replies, “But……I don’t know.”  Good save dude.
  • I’m utterly confused by this entire scene because I’m hearing voice-overs and seeing odd facial expressions and the Fucklemackle brothers are pushing each other.  This show should come with a “seizure warning.” 

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