Teen Mom Season Finale: When Baby Goop Turns the Tables on Farrah

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Well folks we finally made it.  It’s the end of the first season of Teen Mom OG (the “OG” of course standing for “Oh God Why Are There so Many Commercials?!”  The “WTASMC” are all silent).  Because it’s the season finale everything was wrapped up really well.  Spoiler Alert:  The whole season was just one long dream that Butch had in prison.  #IWish

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I’m a little disappointed that Farrah was only in the last few episodes when clearly she should have been in the whole season.  I just feel like young girls should have had more time to understand that if you do naughty  boom-boom as a teen and get knocked to the up you most likely can turn that into a reality show, eventually porn, grab a couple more reality shows, get a new face and then move to Texas where dreams all continue to come true on the regular.  Now I’m forced to teach people this lesson. Either way, Farrah thinks now is the perfect time for her boyfriend, Simon, to meet Sophia and really get her little hopes up that she’s getting a new daddy for Christmas.  Sadly I think that Sophia thinks that Simon is “Daddy Derrick” come back to life.  Unfortunately the only “DDs” that Sophia will know will be the ones under Farrah’s shirt.  Stop me if you heard this! In planning for his trip to Texas (to most likely take a DNA to prove he is not the father) Simon sends Sophia a giant stuffed animal that’s bigger than her, which I think is a great present/strategy because Sophia needs to start practicing her karate on something bigger than her if she’s ever going to be able to start defending herself from Debra’s trash claw.  Start ’em young.

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Farrah is all nervous to pick up Simon from the airport for reasons that I’m unclear about, but am thinking may have something to do with a watch list?  One may never know.  So, since she’s just like her mother, she decides to take that stress out on Sophia by screaming at her for not taking care of the 2 dogs that are “her responsibility.”  I mean, Sophia is like 12 months old.  How is she supposed to take care of dogs?  Farrah’s like, “Sophia did you get the puppies vaccinated and order their Front Line Plus??”  Alas, as a way to retaliate, Baby Goop becomes and absolute terror from the second Simon gets in the car from the airport.  She’s screaming at them for holding hands in the car and at one point she literally starts to strangle him from the back seat with his own seatbelt.  Did I mention the whole time she’s making that face where she looks like she’s possessed by the devil (aka Debra) and her underbite really comes to life?  I know I’d be afraid for my life!  And the other thing I know is that female Abraham’s do not do well in a car while filming a TV show.  It’s just never a good look on them.

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Later, Simon gets to meet Michael at dinner and you know it’s going to be totally as awkward as you imagined this moment.  First off, Baby Goop demands to sit next to Simon and then she tells Farrah that she likes him better than her.  I mean, that was obvious so technically doesn’t need to be said.  Baby Goop is like Stewie from Family Guy but, you know, way worse.  Next thing you know Simon says to Michael, “I’ve heard so many good things about you” and Michael just starts laughing and is like, “Uh ok.”  I’m sure the only person who could say nice things about him is the town’s deaf and blind priest and he’d only be able to tell Simon that via an eye-roll and sign language (and probably the jerk-off motion: ✊ ).  If I were Simon before the apps even arrived I’d be like, “So you diddled her right?  And that’s why she’s like this?  If not you, who?”  Let’s just call it like it probably is.  Unless Debra did it with her trash claw?  Or her 80’s leather jacket rolled up?  All possible options.

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After spending days with Farrah and Baby Goop doing baby voices for endless hours and having to drag Goop around (literally) as she hung on to his leg praying for a man to love her, Farrah decides they should have their own time together.  I’m not sure if they even aired scenes of them out at dinner alone together because I was traumatized by the car ride in which I’m 98% sure that he “gave her sex” with this finger as they were driving.  He was texting too.  I’m pretty sure if they don’t want your fingers preoccupied with texting whist driving they probably don’t want them digging for gold in a Glow Worms vagiola either.  Although I could be wrong.  I don’t know all the driving laws in every state.

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By the end of the trip Simon has had an effin’ ’nuff.  Baby Goop is pulling at this shirt collar and trying to steal the rings off his fingers (hope he washed them since the car ride) and he has a look on his face that says, “She’s too old to shake where it’ll do anything, right?”  And to make matters worse Farrah decides now is the perfect time to film some scenes where she asks where their relationship is going.  He’s not having it at all and refuses to answer because he thinks her question is dumb.  Ruh-roh.  The last time someone talked back to Farrah I believe that person went to jail for a spell or two.  Either way, Farrah keeps her cool and lets Simon know that she’s not the kind of girl who will wait 2 years to get engaged because “that’s for ugly girls, babe.”  So….uh…she’ll be waiting for, like, 4 years, no?  What’s the deal with her pressuring guys into getting engaged to her right away?  Didn’t she do this last time with that kid Daniel as they were in a row boat in a dirty pond?  Now she’s at it again!  They’ve only been dating for 4 months and live in different states.  Slow down Glow Worm.  Maybe just get pregnant first or something.  You know, plant a trap.

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In the end, it’s time for Simon to break free from Farrah’s Texan prison and head back to San Diego where he’s hundreds of miles away from Baby Goop.  In one last attempt to be creepy, Farrah has the producer drive them to the airport so she, Simon and Baby Goop can all sit in the back seat and she can, literally, force Simon to put his arm around Baby Goop.  He wants no part of this and basically gets out of the car before it even stops.  I have a feeling we’ll never see him again especially since when Farrah calls him now it just goes into voicemail.  I hope his voicemail at least says, “Thanks for the camera time.  Leave a message after the beep.”  Luckily, Debra is in town and can be the voice of reason and let Farrah know that a real dad would never act like Simon is acting.  Um, probably because he’s not a real dad?  And what the hell was Farrah talking about wanting to open up hotels with him?!  Is that a thing that couples do now?  And by “open hotels” does she really mean her legs?  Like is that lingo?  Moreover, why were there scenes of Farrah and Debra playing tennis in full hair and makeup and why was Debra wearing skin-tight leather pants while playing?!  Maybe I just dreamed all of this?!

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Meanwhile, Amber continues to live her nightmare which is Gary bullying her via text and barely allowing her to see Leah anymore.  I assume this is a nightmare because it takes place whilst Ambie is laying on the couch…so she could just be dreaming.  Either way, Amber and Sully have planned a trip up the street to a hotel they can stay at that has “fancy beds” and a hot tub directly in the room.  Gross on all accounts.  Now does the hotel just place the herpes on your pillow during turn-down service or do they really make you work for it by getting in the actual hot tub?  More on this later.

There was some drama that took place (shocker) via text between Amber and Gary and the producer wants Gary to explain what the hell is going on because, you know, they’re filming a tv show and we’re not all on a group text between Gary and Amber so we need to be filled in.  Something about Leah being sick and Gary wanting Amber to go pick her up at school and take her to the doctor, but Amber was still sleeping (at 11am) and so Gary’s girlfriend had to go.  I say who cares?  What I would like to know is why was Kristina’s eyebrows mostly shaved off and drawn in with a pink Sharpie?  If I were the producer I’d make everyone explain that too.  I actually feel bad for Kristina.  She’s always like a sad dump truck sitting on the couch.

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Anytrash, since Leah isn’t feeling good Amber and Sully decide to take her with them on their romantic staycation.  Leah almost pukes in the back seat…as do I thinking about them all going on this “trip.”  The hotel is as tragic as you could have imagined.  It’s called “FantaSuites” and the fact that Child Protective Services didn’t scoop up Leah the second they set foot on the property is a miracle in itself.  The giant vibrating bed has paper rose petals in a heart shape on it and there’s a giant (gross) hot tub in the middle of the room.  Also, for other odd reasons we don’t know about, there are like cartoon drawings all over the wall.  It basically looked like the Spanish lady emoji in the red dress dancing.  Ole!   Leah is having the time of her life and all of The America is creeped the hell out.  At least her throat is feeling better.

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In the end, once the trip is over they bring Leah back to Gary’s food shack because she doesn’t have a fever anymore so they felt like a doctor wasn’t needed.  Plus, it’s Indiana so I’m assuming doctors aren’t a thing there.  They’d have to go to another state/country.  The episode ends with a mini-Intervention between Amber, her mom and her brother Bubby.  He’s trying to tell her to be careful with Sully because it’s a little odd that a grown man who’s 43 and a die-hard fan of Teen Mom, started stalking Amber on Twitter, formed a relationship and then moved across the country to be with her and barely has a job.  Oh, and he may or may not have written bad checks and been arrested a few times.  Amber starts to get a little heated but calms down and kind of laughs it off when she says that he does technically have a job now…..but he just hasn’t gotten paid at all for it.  Seems solid.  RUN AMBER, RUN!

Damn why was this episode 1.5 hours?  No joke, there was a commercial every 4 minutes.  You got us again, MTV!  You got us again!  Anyway, Tyler and Catelynn.  I can’t.   I’m over them and their need to pretend they have the right to joint custody of iCarly.  Eh, at least Tyler isn’t fat-shaming her for this entire episode.  He is, however, making her feel like crap for not wanting to breast feed anymore.  She gave it a go for 2 months and wants out.  And Tyler wants breasts.  So there’s that.  Something tells me he’ll be having a sit-down interview with Diane Sawyer a few years down the line.

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Tyler Perry and Hello Kitty have been invited by “The Doctors” to fly to LA and film a segment for their show about adoption.  They’re excited because the audience is much older so they think it’s a good opportunity to educate the elderly about adoption for reasons that are still unclear to me.  Maybe if they wanted to give their grandkids up for adoption?  Maybe that’s a thing.  The good news is that April gets to watch baby Nova and they’re all excited because April isn’t crazy anymore.  I was excited because MTV put together a quick montage of what an absolute disaster used to be over the years.  I felt kind of bad/felt good to reminisce.

Poor April really wants to meet iCarly and she thinks that the Teen Mom reunion is the place it’ll happen.  Sadly we find out that this isn’t the case because Teresa calls up Cate and tells her that she’ll be at the reunion but isn’t bringing iCarly most likely because she’s afraid iCarly can catch poverty from everyone else.  Oh, speaking of that, it was nice when Catelynn was talking about how she only lived in trailers and can’t believe she owns a house and cars and a cell phone.  I was like, “Good for her!  See?  Having unprotected teenage sex does pay off!” I hope everyone tries it.

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Cate and Ty were finally on The Doctors (which I didn’t know was still even on the air anymore) for like 15 seconds and Tyler corrected one of the hosts when she was reading her cue cards.  Awkward.  They felt good about their appearance and hopefully they helped a few old people who didn’t want to keep their baby.  I have no clue.  All I know is that they come back home and April is pissed that Teresa isn’t bringing iCarly…and so is Cate’s 7 year old brother who, with an attitude says, “Well I was hoping to meet my niece.”  I’m sorry, what now?  You’re 7.  You just finished sh*tting your pants about a year ago.  Focus on eating your vegetables.  April pulls it together, however, as soon as Tyler says that she’ll probably have time to meet with Teresa 1 on 1 and she can see how great April is doing now that’s she’s sober.  Hopefully April doesn’t chain-smoke on the set of the reunion and turn Teresa’s skin yellow by the end of the segment.

Oh.  Maci bought a house.

PLUS:  Relive the Best Quotes of Teen Mom 2 via Barb Evans! Click Through!

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