- Farrah – You know who has a real clean property? Debra. She must have used her court-order trash claw to clean up the lawn and sidewalk. Our favorite Who with a butcher knife is offering Farrah to live in her rental house across the street and Farrah is still being a big B about it. When Farrah gets her hair done by Margaret Cho you can totally tall that Cho hates Debra secretly. Along with the police, she also thinks it’s not a great idea for Farrah to move across the street from her mom. Personally I think it’s a great idea, but then again I typically like to watch a classic knife fight. Sophia is busy throwing small bottles of chemicals all over the salon floor. You can actually tell Farrah is coming a better mom as each episode passes because Sophia is only throwing the bottles and not opening them and pouring the chemicals down her throat. The “next day” Debra and Michael pick up Farrah and Sophia in their…wait for it….wait for it….go to the bathroom….wait for it…slap your self…..wait for it…wait for it…1985 BMW! Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it! Seriously did they borrow April’s BMW and just spray paint it slut-red? They’re all heading to the zoo and Farrah, per usual, is complaining in the back seat. She claims it’s too hot in the car, but for once she’s actually right because the car basically overheats and blows up. Farrah yells at Michael the entire time which really helps the situation. They pull into a gas station and the car starts leaking green liquid. It looks like Kermit took a leak. I assume he pee’s green, no? I’d make Farrah clean it with her whorish tongue if she talked to me like she talks to her parents. Anycrap, after a car switch and more yelling they head out to the zoo for a day of fun! Well that was short-lived because Farrah is pissed off again. She rolls her eyes at every animal exhibit and rushes them out of the place. She will, however, be partaking in Debra’s BBQ for Farrah’s birthday. She even invited Margaret Cho over for dinner! Awkward. I wonder if she gets hungry 20 minutes later? In the end, Debra gives Farrah a tour of the rental house across the street and gives Farrah specific instructions on not sticking spoons in the garbage disposal. Uh, ok? I’m sure if anything got stuck down there Debra could just use her trash claw to get it out. Oh, and Farrah came up with some kind of contract for Debra to sign that basically just says that Debra isn’t allowed to aggravate her…or breathe air.
- Catelynn – Oh hi April! Oh bye April. What the hell?! Since Butch is still in rehab, April has decided to take a trip to Vegas. I mean what money could she be gambling with? I imagine she’ll try putting her cigarettes on Red 9 and try to jam paperclips into the slot machines. She leaves her son, Nick, with Catelynn and Tyler and tells them to not forget to “feed and water the dogs.” Yowza. That must be code for “Mommy’s on a meth binge so go F yourself, Catelynn. How ’bout that?” Although there is no doubt in my mind that April does, indeed, water the dogs with bottles of Butch’s urine. I assume they sold their toilet, like they did their stove, for drug/bail/Vegas money. And that poor little boy, by the way. He definitely has fallen victim to the “family forehead.” Tough times, tough times. And why is Catelynn and Tyler watching him for the day? Uh, doesn’t anyone remember what happened the last time they were responsible for a child? Was that crossing the line? Eh, I’m keeping it. Anyway, Carly is going to be turning 1, but more importantly Tyler isn’t wearing a sideways hat. He’s growing up. They end up going to see that lady at the adoption agency to drop off a gift for Carly. It’s a necklace with all their birth stones. Pretty? Pretty. You totally know Carly’s parents are going to flush that thing down the damn toilet to ward off the negative energy of April. Catelynn begins to cry because of the failed relationship between her and her mom. This is when I notice that when she turns her head she looks like she’s sporting half of T-Boz’s haircut. If I were that adoption lady I would have told her to don’t go chasing waterfalls. The “next day” they call up Carly for her first birthday. Look, I think Catelynn and Tyler seem like great kids. I have no idea how they’re so put together considering the situations they’ve grown up in. However, do you think the parents are kind of irritated when Tyler and Catelynn call them? The conversations always seem so awkward. I mean, they won’t even give them their address. I’m sure it’s some legality, but still. Plus, I bet they’re freaking out now that their baby has April and Butch’s genes, which I personally love. Also, I am PISSED that a camera is not following April on her Vegas vacation. As a nation, we all lose. I’m also pissed that the cameras aren’t following Butch while he’s in “the ‘hab.”
- Amber – Move over Dancing With the Stars because we’re all allowed to get a little glimpse into “Dancing With the Conner’s.” Amber and Gary are taking dance lessons for their wedding that isn’t even planned yet. Makes sense to me. When they meet with the owners of the dance store (??) they basically fight the whole time and you know that the lady just keeps writing “white trash” over and over again on her paper. Amber puts on a blue skank dress to start dancing and her bra is hanging out. How does Gar hide his bra straps so well? Perhaps he’s wearing a sports bra. We may never know. Gary basically breaks Amber’s arms when he tries to spin her around. If this doesn’t get him cast in the next season of DWTS nothing will. Although I never want him to lose the weight. Ever. The “next morning” Gary gets up out of bed early because he got a new job stocking shelves. I’ll let you all pass judgment on that one. Seriously can Gar Gar please put on a freakin’ shirt. So gross. I thought I was watching Teen Mom in 3D as he comes towards the camera with his gut hanging out well below his waist. Oh, he’s also a C-cup. I think Amber is jealous. Because Gary is up so early he intentionally wakes up Leah and lets her run all around the house while Amber still tries to sleep. Spoiler Alert: Leah cries the entire episode. Anyway, we get to catch a quick scene of Gary at his new job which consists of stacking boxes. Is this like when Heidi got a “job” at Bolthouse? Amber decides to take Leah with her wedding dress shopping. I didn’t know they had a DEB where Amber lived too! What luck! Leah ends up walking away up the street and ends up near the front stairs of a neighbors house. This got me to thinking. Imagine if you lived next door to Amber and Gary! Add this to my bucket list. Seriously, Leah is giving me a headache with all that crying. I think Amber should continue to yell at her to stop crying because, clearly, that seems to be doing the trick. However, we all get a little treat when Leah stops crying for 2 minutes so that Amber can do her “sexy dancing” in the car. Can you get pulled over for “sexy dancing?” Once at the wedding dress store, Amber decides she wants a pink wedding dress because white symbolizes purity and she has a baby so….Way to give away your whorey secret, Amber. No one would even know if you didn’t tell them, unless they counted the rings around your vag. Also, pink isn’t the way to go as Gary may mistake her for a giant Peep and, well, that won’t end well. Spoiler Alert: He eats her. Once Gary gets home from work he and Amber fight it out and once again Amber kicks him out of the house. He takes his TV and fitted bed sheet and takes off. I guess the wedding is off? Eh, I’m sure Roseanne wouldn’t be able to get time off from The Lunch Box anyway, unless Crystal could cover her shift? Nah, Leon would never go for that. As Gary leaves the house Amber tells Leah “daddy left you again.” Awww, that’s sweet, but perhaps leave that special message for her birthday card. In the end, Amber’s friend comes over to talk, but Amber won’t let her get one word in. Also, they’re sitting on the mattress without sheets and it’s on the floor. It’s like they’re in a crack-den. I’m waiting for Butch to pop out from behind the TV stand and shout, “did someone say crack?!” and then the police bust in and drag him out of the house by his rat-tail-mullet and toss him in the police car and, well, that’s when the episode of COPS ends. While Gary is at his moms house she is giving him advice…I guess. I have no idea. Her fingernails are blue like she just gave Brainy Smurf a handy. You know what may solve their problem? They should have unprotected sex.
- Maci – Maci is trying to move herself and Bint-Lee to Nashville before Ryan brings her to Judge Judy. She’s filling in Kyle on the situation
and I’m trying to figure out if Kyle is really just the ghost of a dead bulldog. Anyone? Maci then heads out to Nashville to check out some schools to see what she needs to do in order to transfer there. She brings her friend with her who is smoking hot. Is it wrong that I kind of hope that she gets knocked up before she turns 20 so she can join the show? From there Maci ends up going apartment hunting with Kyle and Bint-Lee. She is basically going to get an entire house for $825 month. Really?! I pay 4 times that amount and live in a shoebox. I’m being literal in both those examples. I only have room for my shoehorn. I use a grain of rice for a pillow. Anyway, those girls that are showing Maci the house are psyched that she’s going to live across the street from them because they think this is their opportunity to become the Audrina and Stephanie Pratt of this show. Dream big, dream often. In the end, Maci tells her parents that she’s going to be moving to Nashville and they seem less than pleased. In fact, I think her dad said “bull crap.” I’ll have to rewind it.
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