Teen Mom Recap: This Show Lit a Candle in My Heart

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Farrah – For those of you playing along at home, please stamp your Teen Mom BINGO card because, yes, we have found a Barney stuffed animal right off the bat.  I’m pretty sure Sophia thinks Barney is her dad.  Too soon?  Per usual, Debra is having a hard time with even the thought of Farrah randomly moving to Florida because she says she can’t image her life without her daughter and her Baby Goop.  More like she can’t figure out who to try and knife instead.  I mean, after this many years Michael must be able to “dodge and weave” with the best of them and, well, Debra is getting a little too old to chase someone through the house.  Eh, maybe she’ll go to the next door neighbors house and just machete Sophia’s old dog to death.

I finally understand why MTV needed to make this a “special 90 minute episode.”  It all makes sense now.  Evidently they needed more time because Farrah has a huge announcement to make.  I hope you guys are sitting down.  If you’re at work, maybe just get on the ground in case you fall out of your chairs.  Farrah. Is. Getting. Braces.  I know.  I can’t believe it either.  Oh wait, she’s just getting braces?  Well F me!  For reasons not known to anyone, Farrah tells Sophia that when she grows up she’s going to need a mouth full of metal, but in the meantime she decides that she wants to get them first.  Mommy gets store bought new boobs and non-jacked-up teeth before Baby Goo gets love.  And that’s an order!  To make things even more awkward, it’s Michael’s birthday (he wishes he died 17 years ago) and Farrah has decided to make this announcement at his birthday dinner.  No joke, she’s legit announcing it.  “Mom, Michael, camera crew, distinguished faculty…I’m getting braces.”  Any chance they can put metal on Farrah’s brain and see if they can straighten out that mess?  And, not for nothing, but how much does it cost for lasers to zap away that perma-neck-hickey?  I’m sure if you dip the trash claw in rubbing alcohol it can just scratch at it for days until it comes off.  Anybiopsyit, the best part was that she explains that she’s not getting metal braces, and she’s not getting Invisiline, but “Invisible Braces” instead.  Yes!  Are Invisible Braces kinda sorta like the Invisible Love that this crack box family shows each other on the regular?  Regardless, Farrah suspects that better teeth will help her get more modeling jobs.  Uh, like more hair modeling jobs?  I’m just psyched that these braces, when the moonlight shines, will make our little Glow Work glitter, glitter even more!  This is, quite possibly, the best day of my life!

Later, at dinner Debra tries to be all cute and dumb by letting Farrah know that one day she wants to learn how to make french fries and Farrah tells her it’s the easiest thing in the world to do.  Really?  Is it easier than putting on a condom?  Doubtful.  Farrah, instead, decides to hijack the conversation and let her “family” know that she’s set up an appointment with Dina the counselor so they can all stop being F’n crazy and she also tells them that if she gets into her Floridian Clown College, she’s definitely moving there.  Ruh-roh.  Debra is seeing red.  Someone dust off her protective reflector vest because someone is about to get a new batch of community service to legally partake in!  Personally, I think it’s going to be difficult for Farrah to move all the way to Florida once Debra brutally murders her, cuts her up into little pieces, and then stuffs her into various Barney stuffed animals scattered throughout their house.

Well, folks, Farrah finally gets into her special school in Florida and tells Sophia that they’re definitely moving there.  Not so fast Sophia.  You may be living with that neighbor who took your dog.  Hope you like zinc-pink lipstick and puppets staring at you in the middle of the night!  However, they can all discuss the state of Florida in their counseling session because it’s about to go down.  Dina the counselor and her Kate Gosselin hair looks pissed right off the bat.  You can tell because the back of her hair spikes up more.  That hairstyle is hot never.  After the family explains why they have issues with Farrah and Baby Goop moving to Florida, Dina sassily says to Debra, “You’re asking her to leave her daughter?”  Yeah, way to be non-judgmental.  Debra seems to think it’s not big deal at all for Farrah to move to Florida and leave Sophia with them because they have things like Skype and airplanes.  Oh!  Wait!  I wasn’t aware there was Skype and airplanes!  Well that solves everything!  After being scolded by Gosselin, Debra starts to do that high-pitched-talking-cry that only Sophia’s old dead dog can hear, followed by Farrah giving us a little of her Ugly Cry over the fact that she’s depressed when she’s living in Debra’s dungeon.  Please, I’d love it.  Every day would be like a dream in Whoville.

However, not everything needs to be doom and gloom because right after counseling Farrah got her braces on and she couldn’t be more excited about it.  Also, someone needs to teach Farrah what words mean, like “invisible” because, uh, I can see her braces and, well, they look exactly like the ones Marsha Brady had circa 1975.  I mean, April and Butch’s drinking problems are more invisible than this!  Debra gives Farrah a little jab (without a butcher knife) by saying that her braces change the shape of her face and so she’ll probably be a little self-conscious of that.  Farrah claims that she “won’t smile as much.”  So, um, same/same?  Later, Debra starts talking smack to Michael and, later, Farrah, about Dina and her basically being a big b*tch.  Whoa Debra!  Say it to her face.  And then slash-attack it!

The remaining moments of Farrah’s scenes actually blows my mind.  She is actually seriously considering Debra’s offer of leaving Sophia with them while Farrah goes to live in Florida.  That is insanity to me.  She even calls her sister to ask her opinion on what she should do and if she thinks it’s ok.  You could tell her sister was trying to figure out if their phone conversation was being filmed because she sounded like she wanted to tell Farrah that she was a crazy worm.  I don’t understand any of this?  Sophia is almost 2 years old!  How is she just basically going to give her up for adoption while she goes to Florida to finish school.  Even if she’s pretending to think about this for her storyline I think it would be better that she fake a drug problem.  To even say you’re considering leaving your baby behind is complete insanity to me.  She must be watching Catelynn and Tyler’s “glamorous” lifestyle and is a bit jealous.  I mean, first the braces and now this?  She’s definitely lost some glitter, glitter, in my eyes.  F. U Gulch!

Amber – Our pal, Ambjikistan, has really turned over a new leaf after serving 24 hours in the slammer.  I’m not sure why she’s making that such a big deal because I’m pretty sure at one point she “went missing” for 24 hours and was later discovered under Gary’s stomach gasping for air and munching on chicken-soft-tacos.  Amber informs her friend over the phone (aka the time and temperature lady) that she broke up with Clinton, is spending more time with Leah, and how CPS is basically saying that Amber is doing awesome as a mom.  She then tells the time and temperature lady that even though it was only 24 hours in jail, it was the worst 24 hours of her life.  She says she was basically dropped in the drunk-tank with 6 other girls and forced to sit on the concrete floor with only one blanket.  Wait.  One blanket?  Well that’s one more blanket than she currently has on her own bed at home so basically she traded up by going to jail.  More importantly, I’m not sure what’s up with Amber’s pink and black claws and eyelashes but if she thinks Marilyn Monroe was a $2 dollar prostitute, she’s off by about $8 more dollars.

Just in the nick of time, Gary’s mom comes over to Amber’s house of horror to spread a little sunshine into my life.  The doorbell rings and Leah just goes running over to it desperately trying to turn the doorknob and yelling “come in” regardless of who’s on the other side.  That’s a cry for help.  She’s basically like, “Kidnappers?  Come and take me away, please!  I’ll leave my princess sh*t behind, just go go go!”  However, it wasn’t a kidnapper (drat!) but Gary’s sex-pot mother wearing…wait for it….wait for it…overalls.  I mean take down those “dungaree straps” and let your double F’s fly in the breeze.  Why she’s dressed like Dorothy’s father from The Wizard of Oz is beyond me, but those pesky “poors” are tricky!  Amber tells Gary’s mom that the thought of going to jail doesn’t scare her at all…and then in the next breath she says it does scare her because she can’t imagine being without her daughter for that long.  Uh, didn’t she just start seeing Leah for the first time in like a month while she was busy “decorating” her house?  Also, I don’t care.

Amber’s mom later comes over to watch Leah for her while Amber runs all her normal errands like going to see her psychiatrist and the like.  At first I was pissed that none of the therapy scenes were shown, but was relieved when we got to sit in on an awkward date between Gary and his friend…some dude we’ve never seen before that didn’t look poor so I wasn’t really sure what he was doing there.  Gary is telling his “friend” how lonely he is (aka is having a tough time lifting his stomach with one hand and using his other hand to give himself seconds of pleasure) without Amber and his “friend” tells him that he’s there for him so he never has to feel alone.  His “friend” then jokes that it’s like they’re on a date (aka a lady never pays) and how they should light the candle on the table, to which Gary replies, “well you lit a candle right here in my heart.”  Dear Jesus make this stop.  Had they not had a “no contact” order Gary would have swiped Amber’s fake eyelashes and then started batting them at his gentlemen caller sitting across from him.  Puke, puke, puke, puke, puke, I’m lovin’ it!

Krystle Meth comes over with her kid that I’ve never seen before and I’m even more confused on why it looks like Krystle Meth has gained a sh*t ton of weight from the last time we’ve seen her and, apparently, morphed into a white trash Adele right before our very eyes.  Suddenly Amber’s mom comes home with Leah and her trademark white sweatshirt and Leah just stands there and pukes all over herself and all over the place.  Krystle shouts out, “Well looks like she just had corn!”  Well Yeeee Haw!  That’s like finding candy in the pinata for “the poors.”  Had it been Gar Bear that puked we would have found an entire cob still in tact.

The next day Amber is a little tired because Leah was up all night puking and crapping on Amber…kinda like Amber and Gary have been doing to our eyes and brains for 2 years.  That’s called karma, kids!  Amber and Gary have a police escort to court/CPS  because they’re not allowed to be near each other.  I’m sure the tax payers of Crack-a-lackee Where Ever, USA are psyched that that’s where their money is going towards.  Gary decides that he’ll take Leah to the doctors “later” but in the meantime she’s going to some trash box babysitter.  That’s nice.  The good news is that  CPS decided that Amber still has custody of Leah, but will be watching her and Gary for the next few months…as we will, as we will.  Oh, and Gary did end up taking Leah to the doctor.  She has strep throat, a fever, and two ear infections.  Awesome.  You totally know Leah was licking other kids toys and all the doorknobs she could to try to get sick and dirt nap it out to get away from her parents.  Nice attempt, but your plan is foiled because the medicine will get you back to normal before you know it!

In the end, Krystle Meth comes back over to Amber’s house with cupcake supplies from some gross store.  Amber claims her throat hurts and she feels like she’s going to puke, but she’s mustering up enough energy to make and eat the cupcakes with Krystle Meth.  And why do all the cupcake supplies have bright orange price-tag stickers on them that makes me feel like she bought them in a metal bin with a sign that says, “Expired Yesterday, So, Sale!”  Personally, my favorite part was when Amber was explaining to Krystle Meth how in “court” Gary was sitting one seat away from her, but they weren’t allowed to look at each other, say hello, goodbye, or speak out loud to each other.  Really?  I love court!  Thank you, court!  All of “The America” thanks you!

Catelynn – Well folks, the other shoe has officially dropped.  You see, Teresa and Brandon have sent Catelynn and Tyler an email that pretty much was like “peace out rust dumpsters” because they’re more than likely not going to let iCarly attend their graduation.  Eh, she can watch it on TV like the rest of us.  More importantly, Catelynn is reading this email to Tyler on her iPad.  I’ll repeat that.  On her iPad.  iPad.  Wasn’t she freaked out about getting a job to pay her $60 phone bill, but an iPad she can easily afford?  Neat.  And you know April has no clue what an iPad is.  Although something tells me she is currently pulling out her box of Maxi Pads and trying to type on them just to show Catelynn up.  After Cate reads the email she can Tyler talk about the difference between being the parents vs. being the birth parents.  Um, the main difference is that you gave you baby up for adoption so you are no longer parents and need to leave that poor family alone.  Focus all your attention on Butch for Christ sakes!

Catelynn has officially finished high-school after 6 years and Monte is going try to diddle his way to freedom one last time.  He asks Catelynn if she has a minute after class to talk and then gives her a big hug.  Inappropriate!  I’m kidding.  I’m sure at her school that was just the final exam.  If she takes out her retainer and uses her mouth that’s extra credit.  Now was that crossing some sort of line?  Because in my mind I don’t think so, but then sometimes I wonder what you, the people, experience internally when you read this.  We learn that April never graduated from high school (spin-off!) and had Cate when she was only 19 (practically a woman by then), but that through all this Catelynn decided that she wants to be a pre-school teacher.  I mean, she didn’t specify that she wants to be Carly’s pre-school teacher, then first trade teacher, then second grade teacher, and then eventually her mother…but you know she was thinking it.  Anyway, good old Monte.  I can’t wait until he’s busted for kiddie porn on his Apple IIc.

My life becomes complete when suddenly April, Kim, Maryland, the chick with the square hair, and Tyler in a teal windbreaker are all in the same room at the same time for a little celebration for Catelynn making it out of school alive and without a baby (technically speaking).  This was a Poors Jackpot for me!  Sadly, Butch wasn’t there and April peaced out within seconds but at least I got to see them all.  I only wished they had taken a group photo like they were the Rockford Peaches.  Eh, I’m keeping it.  Anypizzaforthepoors, some kid who looks like a mole is asking Tyler if he can ever picture himself with another girl and he immediately (immediately) says yes and then kind of looks at the camera and it like, “but not really.”  Busted.  Also, busted is the fact that Tyler has about 10 different hair lengths throughout this episode.  Sometimes it’s almost shaved to the scalp and other times it’s in half-a-pauly-d mode.  I mean, I don’t really care but it’s fine to find these things.  It’s like a nice learning game to keep my mind sharp whilst it’s rotting.

Since Catelynn must have received her MTV check, she’s decided to take Tyler to a romantic bed and breakfast.  She’s online (on her iPad of course…showoff) looking at some place called something like Holly Berry Bed and Breakfast.  Sounds like I’d rather experience a nuclear holocaust, but this place seems right up Catelynn’s alley.  She calls Holly Berry to find out what their most expensive room is and I’m impressed.  Followed by the lady who works there responding by saying, “Are you talking about the jet tub room?”  And suddenly I realize this place is going to be more like one of those motels on on the side of the highway that you rent by the hour and has a sign half lit up outside bragging about their “Free HBO!”  They should shave their privates before they go because things are going to try to attach down there.  You know it, I know it, and the lady on the phone knows it.  Regardless, Catelynn settled for the “Sunshine Room.”  I’m sure that’s code for “There was a sale on yellow paint, so we did the whole room in it.”

Meanwhile, Tyler heads off to his moms house to sit on her puffy leather couches and talk about all of Catelynn’s insecurities.  I know I say it week after week but I F’n love Kim with all of my heart.  All of it.  I mean, there’s not much left of it, but still.  I couldn’t love her any more than I do.  When they’re talking about Cate’s insecurities, Kim just blurts out, “I got big insecurities…major!’ and my heart breaks.  I love Kim just the way she is and wants her to never feel insecure about herself. Ever.  I mean, she curls her bangs.  Hot.  She wears shoulder pads.  Hot.  She has and endless supply of turtlenecks.  Hot.  Her eyes bug out on the regular.  Hot!  Don’t change a God-damn thing.  I just want to play Jenga with Kim and hug her.  That is all.

Finally Catelynn ends up surprising Tyler with this Bed and Breakfast ski trip that comes with private ski lessons.  Private. Ski. Lessons.  Giving up your kid rules!  Look at all the money you end up getting and all the fun stuff you get to do!  Awesome!  In typical “poors” fashion they’ll be skiing in their jeans.  Yep.  That won’t suck the first time they fall.  It’s like they fall once and die from hypothermia in under 6 minutes.  Well planned.   Later they’re trying to have a romantic conversation on the side of the mountain about life and Tyler says that it’s fun to do stuff like this because a “routine isn’t a life…it’s a routine.”  Oh snap!  Sounds like someone has been stealing Butch’s one-liners!  Catelynn takes a jab at Tyler by calling him Mr Vocabulary and this truly makes me wonder how she made it out of Monte’s class and into free society.  She tries to recover by calling Tyler, “Mr Heart-Felt Sayings.”  Gross and vomit all at the same time.  I’m not sure how “heart-felt” he is since he basically called Catelynn a fat-ass whilst talking to his mom the day before.  But, why the hell am I getting involved.  Although, if Catelynn wants to get a toothbrush and “get in shape” I’d support her.

In the end, the Bed and Breakfast (in which Catelynn called a “Bread and Breakfast”) looks like a sh*t hole and the attic of all of our dead nana’s homes.  At least we spotted the “jet tub” and, well, it looks gross.  Personally I think that train that keeps on going by adds a nice touch to the romantic weekend.   If only it would take a sharp left turn, crash through my television, and kill me…that would be fine.  “Bread and Breakfast.”  Hmmph. Flash cards, Catelynn, flash cards!

Maci – I’m angry.  When it comes time to recap Maci’s scenes I want to close my laptop, repeatedly, on my ding-a-ling until I see black and pass out.  Let’s get this over with as quickly as possible (like getting oral pleasure from Maci on a bad break-out day).  Maci’s little snitch of a friend calls her to tell her that Ryan was spotted out at night when he was supposed to be watching Bint-Lee.  Little snitches go to hell, b*tch, so keep your mouth shut and legs closed, trash heap.  Meanwhile over at Ryan’s he’s getting Bint-Lee ready for bed at…wait for it…10:00pm.  10?  If Teen Mom wasn’t on I’d be sleeping about 1 hour before 10 and I’m 21!  Also, yawn.

We learn that Maci is back on track with school because Kyle kicks her out of the house on days when she has class.  I’m sure he could just use the peace and quiet.  Plus, he probably needs to set up his 17 different buckets of protein powder he apparently has scattered around the house.  Maci’s mom is talking about Maci’s issues with Ryan and ends up giving her typical jab to Maci by saying, “you should have thought of that before having his baby.”  Then suddenly a cartoon condom falls on Maci’s face in her scrapbook photo.  MTV is fun!

Nothing else great happens with these rust dumpsters except that Maci asks Bint-Lee who takes care of him and he answers “Mimi” which is code for Ryan’s mom.  She ends up confronting Ryan in his truck about him going out at night and he denies it, but just keeps saying, “Go ‘head, make me look stupid.  Make me look stupid.”  Come on!  Give her a real challenge.  Also, stop snorting and spitting every 10 seconds.  You sound like April on a binge.  And you know what kind I’m talking about.  After their fight at the truck, we learn that Bint-Lee was in the back the whole time.  Yup, he was sitting in his car seat right next to another empty car seat.  I mean, how many kids does this guy have?  Imagine if he had Sophia?  That would be an awesome twist.  In fact, he should get all the kids.  Lean and Carly included!

In the end (thank God) Maci and Kyle go out for a “nice dinner” and she asks Kyle if he’s happy he moved in with her and then asks him what’s next so that she can stop waiting.  Relax Maci…you’re like 12.   You can get married when you fully get through puberty.  Blonk!

Episode Rating:  2 Puffy Leather Couches and 1 Ugly Crying Farrah

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