Teen Mom Recap: The Original Tot Mom, Amber Portwood, is Back Ladies and Gentlemen (Greeters)!

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Cruel world, it’s been too long! After waiting almost as long for my parents to allow me to watch Weird Science on VHS, Teen Mom has finally returned! It’s fitting that the premiere is the week of 4th of July because like apple pie, fireworks, and red, white, and blue streamers there is nothing more American than watching white-trash garbage-cinch-sacks fight each other on the regular and become household names. Tajikistan, you may start your plotting….NOW!

So much time has passed that I’m on the edge of my blackout drunk buzz waiting to find out what color hair Maci has this season, if Bint-Lee has inherited Ryan’s chronic yawn, if Farrah has officially morphed into Miss Gulch even with a store-bought new rack, if Catelynn got her braces back on, if Tyler is going with leather jackets with the collar popped even in the warmer months, if Debra still scrubs graffiti off of walls even though it’s no longer court ordered, if April will finally accept my undying love for her, if Butch went with the full mullet or stringy rat-tail, and if Amber and Gary will continue to give Ike and AnnaMae a run for their money throughout the next several weeks.  Take a breath and raise your Pitocin to the rafters because I’m about to recap the absolute piss out of the original Ye Old Teenage Mother:

Farrah – Tip your 40 to the trash claw!  I truly believe that giving us a glimpse of the “t-claw” was a shoutout from MTV to me.  Did it seem like it had a little sparkle and shine to it?  Moving on.  Farrah has been up to a ton since we’ve last seen her.  She’s set up multiple mutual funds so that Sophia can have a better life.  I’m kidding.  She’s getting boobs.  Since Farrah is a “mod-el” and would like to one day grace the pages of a National Geographic magazine she’s going to need to buy some boobs and she’s going to need to buy ’em fast.  Farrah decides right off the trash claw bat that she should tell her mom of her new goal in life.  Seriously, Debra can’t even keep a straight face whilst Farrah is informing her that she thinks she should treat herself to a new rack and she kinda blames Sophia for her lack of boobage all at the same time. Debra thinks that boobs is going to be expensive, and here we are again where no one will acknowledge all the money that these tramp-hampers make on an episode-by-episode basis thanks to the brainiacs at MTV.  Personally I think it would be more cost effective for Debra to lay Farrah down on one of her pizza stones, use her trash claw to clip away her (most likely) A-cup, and then refill her chest with leftover Pitocin.  I’m sure the medical board would approve my method.

Later, we get to follow along with Farrah as she has a consultation for new knockers.  Something is really throwing me off with this scene and it took me a minute to figure out that Farrah is actually not being a complete c-word and actually showing some personality.  Sure it’s still monotone, but at least she’s not b*tching at everyone.  It’s refreshing, yet I miss her old personality a little.  Those sad feelings subside when she tells the “doctor” that she is currently an A-cup (maybe) and would like to be a “C you can see.”  Oh Farrah, you’re really making all my dreams come true, including the one where Slimey from Sesame Street gets a breast augmentation.  Me gusta tambien when Farrah is standing there in her bra and all I’m thinking is, “She could have saved money all these years by simply wearing/sharing Sophia’s undershirts.  However, Farrah is correct.  Boobs are a must and for only $5700 it’s such a deal!  Debra should sign up for Groupon and see if she can get in on that action.

However, not every day for Farrah is fun new body parts and the like.  Nope.   Times get tough. I mean, that one scene alone where Sophia was having a hard time with her alphabet and….oh, that didn’t happen?  Oh.  That’s right.  Farrah’s tough times consisted of her cold-calling banks and asking for money for her boobs.  No joke, she’s even talking to the automated phone recordings and, like a robot, she just yells into the phone “breast augmentation.”  I actually jumped up and high-fived myself.  This is way more entertaining than her even having a kid!  It takes a while for her to get a loan, but after about 10 people telling her “no” some sh*t-bum place will finally do it.  What bad economy?

Things get a bit serious because Debra is getting very concerned (aka butcher-knife style) about Farrah taking a dirt nap during her surgery so she contacted her lawyer (John Jacob Jingleheimer?) to draft up a will.  She wants to make sure that Sophia gets all her “stuff” for when Farrah goes to Heaven to annoy all those who are happy.  More importantly, did anyone notice the nice leather couch that Debra was sitting on?  It was tight leather with hardwood edging.  This is the opposite of puffy leather couches of “the poors.”  Somehow, Debra is “the riches.”

In the end, prior to her surgery they set up Farrah in a shower cap and sit her on a puffy leather chair all whilst Debra sits next to her and prays to sweet baby Jesus to watch over her boobs.  Moments later, Farrah “goes under” and I’m kinda shocked that Debra didn’t bust into the operating room and slash her in the face, you know, for old time sake.  Alas, she didn’t and Farrah wakes up with store-bought boobs.  Her dad “Michael” picks her up in his 1988 fire red BMW and looks down at her rack-attack and tells her she looks good.  Oh, it gets creepier.  He helps her into bed and then starts gingerly placing bags of frozen peas all over her boobs.  I mean, she yells at him the whole time and even gives us the obligatory and more than welcome “ugly cry” that only Farrah can do so well.  Nothing else happened in Farrah’s scenes.  No joke, it was all about her boobs for the full hour.  Someone should have unprotected sex with her now that she has a more enjoyable chest.  It will mean more.

Amber – Well, well, well.  They may have not really spoken to each other for the past three months, but Dan and Roseanne are going to meet up for a nice dinner at a place that isn’t Cracker Barrel, perhaps the Lobo.  Dan Conner is going to scrub the yellow pit stains from his white Aeropostale petite t-shirt and Roseanne is going to drop off DJ at Crystal’s to babysit.  Who will cover her shift at the Lunchbox?  One may never know.  Since Gary is such a sweet talker, he convinces Amber to leave her successful, possible Level III, boyfriend Chris.  How is this kid still kicking around?

Later Amber heads over to her cousin’s house, whose name actually is Krystle (score!), to get her opinion on the whole Gary and Chris love triangle situation.  One one hand she can have Dan and then on the other hand she can have Arnie.  It’s a real toss up.  I took comfort, of course, in the fact that at her cousin’s “house” she had a shiny puffy leather couch.  Phew!  Her cousin has her call Chris to break things off, but Chris steals her thunder by telling her that he loves her and then is like, “oh what did you want to tell me?  Are you going to get back with Gary?”  Meth eats your brain.

Taking a page from the final season of The Hills with Heidi and Spencer, Amber and Gar decide to head over to speak to a life coach so they can work on their relationship.  Here we learn many things.  For instance, we learn that Gary cheated on Amber because Amber moved into a house, but then on the other hand we learn that Amber beat the bag out of Gary because he cheated on her.  I don’t believe that Gary is a cheater, unless we’re talking diets.  Other than that, I think he’s clean.  The life coach starts telling them that if they keep things physical then he’s not going to be able to work with them anymore.  Oh really?  Suddenly this guy is the King of England?  Uh, two seconds ago I saw a paper sign on his front door with his name on it so, well, something tells me he’s not going to be that picky.

Amber calls up creepy Chris to break things off because she and Gary decided to get back into an unhealthy relationship with each other again.  Chris won’t let her do it over the phone and is demanding that she see him person.  However, she needs to drive to him because he is sans car or motivation.  So, as Gar beaches on his bed (that’s still on the ground and without sheets) Amber heads over to Chris’s house to, most likely, get killed.  His plan is probably foiled when he sees the camera crew so he just ends up crying in her car and telling her that he loves her.  To this kid, Amber is American royalty.  Full disclosure, she is to me too. In the end, Amber is back in Gary’s big bear arms and falling asleep in that nasty bed all whilst Leah is nowhere to be found.  Punches better take place and they better take place soon.

Maci – Everyone is still running with the same theme of “I’m pretending I don’t have any money so that it seems like the whole pregnant at 16 is still hurting me.”  This includes Maci. Maci has decided to take the summer off from work just like most single moms do from time to time.  She’s all bent (lee’d) out of shape because when she calls her bank apparently Ryan’s child support hasn’t been deposited into her account yet and she’s afraid she won’t be able to afford things for Bint-Lee, apparently.  This coming from a girl who’s calling her bank from a king-sized bed with a giant leather headboard like she’s on the set of a telanovela and, luckily, not an Avil Lavigne video.  Seriously, I was waiting for the cheeky maid to enter her bedroom with a cap gun and start shooting in the air.

We also learn that Ryan can go to “the jail” if he stops paying his child support.  Maci’s friend, Pointless Jones, thinks it will be really funny if Ryan heads off to the slammer.  I mean, this is the same girl that also told Maci that her life is so complicated because she had unprotected sex.  This one’s a real upper.  She’s just jealous that she didn’t spread ’em back in the day and have a TV show all about her.

Later Maci goes to confront Ryan about his late child support and he claims that the money has already come out of his account.  He should know as when he calls his bank the recording then says that his balance is “Zero dollars and zero cents.  With today’s deposit totaling ‘zero.'”  It’s good to see that Ryan is still into the dip.  I can’t wait for Season 10 when we see that half of Ryan’s mouth is gone and/or he’s talking out of one of those robot microphones through his neck…like in those depressing commercials.  Anyway, this time around Ryan seems pretty easy-breezy about everything and then, well, then he steals the show.  He tells Maci that he wants to talk to her about something important, really important.  He has a really important question for her and he doesn’t want to come across mean or embarrass anyone.  So, Maci tells him to just text her the question.  As they sit two feet away from each other Maci’s phone goes off and the text message says…wait for it…wait for it…take a hit of Pitocin…wait for it…wait for it…it says, “Is Kyle slow?”  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it!  Seriously, the camera crew should have all just yelled “Cut!” tossed Ryan up on their shoulders, and did a few versus of “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow.”  I couldn’t believe that was the question and I instantly went from hating Ryan to thinking I want to split a 30-pack with him and knock over a 7-11 with him on a 4-wheeler.

Ryan is telling Maci that “hundreds” of people are asking him if Kyle is slow so he just wants to be able to finally answer them.  Seriously?  Stole. The. Show.  And when are Ryan and Maci finally going to get back together?  I mean, they’re clearly the Ross and Rachel of our generation.  If he just yelled “We were on a break!” maybe she would be able to get past his yawning and make the rest of “The America” happy.

In the end, Maci ends up telling Kyle the Albino Dog-Faced Care Bear that Ryan asked if he was slow, but Kyle seemed too busy to care as he was practicing his flash cards and trying to figure out the shapes of his Silly Bands.  Fine, I made that part up but that’s how I pictured things.  Kyle is, clearly, pissed off…so pissed off in fact that I’m pretty sure it’s stunted his hair growth from last season.  Maci thinks that Ryan is just starting trouble because he’s upset that he’s yet to meet Kyle.  Um, yeah I’m sure that’s it.  I’m sure Ryan is up at night in his twin-bed at his parents house playing the Wii and crying over the fact that he’s yet to meet Kyle.  Kyle claims that he never wants to meet Ryan and will never be friends with him, but Maci just wants them to be civil to each other at Bint-Lee’s wedding.  Lofty.  Kyle ends up telling Maci that he doesn’t know how to kiss her because he’s slow.  And, well, Maci kinda looks like she believes it.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Catelynn – Just when you thought the chance had passed, I went and saved the best for last.  Yeeeaaaaah!  In “Stupid Criminals News” apparently someone has been trying to break into Fort Knox April’s house-o-horror!  Catelynn notices that the window locks in her bedroom have been tampered with so she runs out into the “parlor” to tell April of her findings.  She actually says, “Mom come look” to which April responds, “I don’t want to…what am I going to do, save you?”  I couldn’t love April any more than I do.  Even with the cameras on her she stays true to herself. More importantly, April is wearing a blue sweatshirt with Eeyore on the front and the words “Just Chillin” across it.  I mean, come on.  Someone call the Smithsonian because, clearly, they’re going to want to hear about this!  April notices that the locks in her son’s room are messed with and the basement door was open too.  All of a sudden this is turning into an episode of Paranormal State, but instead of a ghost yelling “Who is Six!?” they yell “Who is Six-ty Thousand Dollars in Debt?!”  Boo!  It’s the repo man!

Anyjunk, because this is basically a scene from Scooby  Doo, April calls the police.  I’m shocked they didn’t just answer with “Hey April, is Butch drunk again or did you claw at this face?”  Instead they end up sending a police officer to the house.  I love how Tyler was like, “Why would they break in and not take anything?” and April just answers simply with, “Cuz there ain’t nothing to take.”  Truer words have never been spoken.  Also, I’m not so sure if was someone trying to break in as much as it was probably Butch in a drug-stupor trying to get out.  Speaking of Snarlin’ Darlin’ did anyone notice his name spelled out in magnet alphabet letters on the front of the refrigerator?  I’m sure April was trying to put up “B*TCH” for a message to Catelynn, but just misspelled it.  Oh, and at one point during all this I’m pretty sure when Catelynn said that she wanted to move out of the house April mentioned something about moving to Beverly Hills.  Please, my dear Jesus Claus, let that be true.  Let April go to Beverly Hills and let someone film it.  Please?

I was a little disappointed there weren’t  more scenes when April and Catelynn went house-hunting.  I thought it would be like an HGTV episode of House-Hunters Trailernational, where their budget is $400 and they have to decide if having a bed in the bathroom is a good idea.  Alas, it wasn’t and Catelynn and Tyler come up with the idea that they should get a tiny one bedroom and just move in together.  Catelynn looked like she was going to squeal with delight and, honestly, by the looks of it I kinda thought she could.  I’m just saying that incorporating some power-walking in the house hunting wouldn’t hurt anyone.  Also, while I do love me some Catelynn someone needs to tell her that she can stop “chasing waterfalls” because her T-Boz ‘do went out of style when Left-Eyes Jeep tipped over in like 2004.  Too much?

Later, Catelynn, Tyler, Precious, and some of their other friends sit outside in the rain and convince Cate to call April on speaker phone and on camera to see if she would be cool with Catelynn just living on her own.  To everyones shock and awe, April remained calm and rational about this and just wants Cate to remember things like gas, electricity, oil, and other incidental bills that come up from having your own place.  I’m sorry, did someone break in and steal April’s sassy attitude because I kinda want them to give it back to her right now.  Just drop it off on the front porch and we won’t ask any questions at all.  Part of me hopes that Catelynn never moves out of April’s house and by “part of me” I of course mean “all of me.”  Can’t we just spin-off April and Butch and call it a day.  I need that forehead and I need it now!

In the end, Tyler ends up talking to his mom at her house about moving in with Catelynn.  They do so on a giant puffy leather sectional (drink!).  I have to admit, I really like his mom, Kim.  She has a really good head on her shoulder (pads) and even with her bangs teased up and hairsprayed with enough AquaNet to stop a charging bull, she really is the voice of reason.  Plus, the fact that her eyes bug out on the regular only makes me want to love her more.  She thinks that Tyler is trying to rush his life and be an adult before he needs to be.  I think she’ll just miss the camera crew.  Well, I’ll miss her more.  Oh, also I think that if she lays down on her stomach on that puffy leather couch her bangs will put a hole right through the leather.  The More You Know!

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Episode Rating: 2 Crying Farrah’s and 2 Yawning Ryan’s

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