Well we’re almost done with this Teen Mom series which means that you’ll have to go back to actually paying attention to your own dumb kids and I should probably start reading books or something. I’m kidding I would never do that. Once I finally found Waldo I gave up “the books” for hundreds of thousands of hours of television on the regular. Speaking of finding Waldo, click here to join me on Facebook and help me look for teenage mothers in trouble.
Amber – After 200 seasons Amber has finally realized that cameras are on her so she’s calling up Gary to see if she can come over and see his new house and she’s trying to be as nice to him as she can. I’m not entirely sure if that’s true as my sister texted me immediately to let me know that Amber looked like Bjork with her white knit hat on. I spent the next few moments squealing with delight like Gary most likely did when his MILF used to let him frolic in the mud. Speaking of MILFs with prison glasses, Carol is going to watch Leah for a little while so that Amber can head over to Gary’s new home to figure out how in the world he’s able to afford a place like this after moving out of the ski chalet. They both agree to some ground rules before they meet, which consist of “no fighting.” Why they didn’t add a second ground rule of “no overeating” is beyond me and, well, un-American. I jest. Overeating is overly American. You’re welcome, Canada. Once Amber makes it over to the new house she immediately curls up on the end of the puffy leather couch and starts to close her eyes. Walking through a house can be tiring, especially for obesity on wheels. Apparently Leah is starting “school” soon and Gary is asking Amber for some money to help pay for it, but Amber starts barking that she can’t afford to give him money because she had to pay her lawyer. Remember when your mom couldn’t pay for your schooling because all the “education money” went to the lawyer to help keep her out of “gel?” Yeah, me too. Amber starts to cry a bit over this, but I’m confused about why this is so expensive (‘Spensive!). I mean from all the commercials I’ve been seeing lately I’m pretty sure all you need is: Pencils. Hair gel. Binders.
It’s time for Gary to bust out his portable seat-belt extenders and exercise is feet because he must take Leah to her first day of school. In order for Gary to not be crushed by the steering wheel he must push his seat all the way back as far as it can go. Hell, he might as well just drive from Leah’s car seat. It’s great seeing Gar getting into shape by taking both left and right turns. I’m pretty sure I saw him breaking a sweat when he was pulling into the parking lot. Speed bumps are not his friend. I did, however, love looking at the beautiful Indiana scenery in the background as Gary drove around town. Having trailers parked anywhere else but on front lawns is just plain old stupid and, well, un-American. Gary has to drop off Leah and then Amber is going to have to pick her up. Gary should have just waited in the parking lot because I’m sure Leah is declaring Jihad on her classroom and kicking as many kids down the stairs and calling them “fat ass” as much as possible. I bet she performs beautifully at nap time. She learned that from Momma. Amber ends up driving to pick up Leah and I was unable to tell if she was actually awake during the drive. Perhaps her tarantula eyelashes synthesized and became one? Amby-Pants is legit like Mr. Magoo trying to drive to Leah’s school. Maybe once she arrives she can get that pesky GED while she’s at it?
After Amber picks up Leah and learns that she played with her red alligator all day (that’s “learning” where they’re from) it’s time to cart her back over to Gary’s House of Bottomless Pancakes. Seriously, Leah spends more time in a car than a New York taxi driver. Ironically, that will most likely be her career path. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Beep. Per usual in Amber’s voice-over she’s sure to tell us about that damn “no contact” order and the vandalism that took place being the reason why Leah can’t sleep over at her house. We get it. You’re an unfit mother and the neighbors just wanted to reiterate that with you via spray paint. Let’s move on. I have to admit, once Leah was back at Gary’s it actually got pretty sad. When Amber said she had to leave, Leah started throwing a fit and crying and crawling quickly towards her to keep her from leaving. Even Gary got in on the fun by crawling around behind Leah. Someone shove a Bayer aspirin under his tongue, STAT! Leah just kept crying and saying to Amber “please wait, please wait!” Thank God there were sub-titles because at first I thought she was giving Gary the side-eye and saying “overweight, overweight!” She then hugs Amber and says, “I need you.” Seriously? Sad. I mean, I’m sure MTV edited out the next sentence which was, “I need you…to take off those eyelashes and kick Gary’s TV down the stairs because my legs are too little to do so.” But, still, it really struck a chord on old IBBB’s blackened heart. Amber ends up leaving and Leah just literally howls for another 3 minutes. She sounds like a dog that’s been shot, hollowed out, and used as a stuffed-animal drug mule. You get the point. It was sad. I think Amber was even surprised that Leah gave a crap about her and/or fully knew who she was. I’m not a child psychologist (although I am) but none of this can be good for little Leah. Poor kid. Literally.
All of this was so painful for Amber and her face piercings that the “next day” she and Gary discuss giving him full custody of Leah so that pesky “no contact order” can finally be removed and they can all eat KFC right out of the bucket again, together, like a true family. Seriously, how is this even close to an option? I mean, once the filming ended they could have totally snuck around and hung out together. It worked swimmingly for Butch and April so I’m sure it would have worked for them. Later Amber’s mom, Tonya, comes over to shake and freak and let Amber know that she spoke to their “family attorney” about the possibility of Gary getting full legal custody. Family attorney? Yeah, I’m sure Tonya did a couple of lines off her wood panel coffee table and then shook her Magic 8-Ball. Gary getting full custody? Ask again later. Anycoke, Amber ends up screaming at Tonya for, you know, speaking, and they both get into a fight over the use of the word “people.” I sh*t you not. Tonya hustles out of Amber’s insane asylum and mockingly says, “I love you too Amber.” I think it’s time to shake the Magic 8-Ball again to see how many years of that prison sentence Amber is really going to have to serve. I think she thinks this is like an all expense paid all-inclusive Sandals vacation. And you know what? She will be wearing sandals in prison so, well, same/same. Also, she’ll be flashing boobs and box for a pack of Virginia Slims.
In the end, Gary chats up Amber via the phone, but can barely hear her so he tells her she sounds like a big water buffalo. Ugh, food is always on his mind. Seriously, how Amber didn’t shoot her gun directly at her phone after that comment is a pure miracle and a sure sign that she’s cured (like the ham Gar Bear is currently heating up…for breakfast). Gary tells Amber that he thinks him having full custody of Leah is still a good idea and that Amber needs to get her depression under control. Amber reacts like she has no clue what he’s talking about and is perfectly fine. Of course she also starts screaming at him stating that she was the one who had to go to rehab and “gel” and no one else had to do anything. Gary hangs up the phone because he claims he doesn’t want to do this with her…but something tells me it was just his arm getting tired. Pencils. Hair gel. Binders.
Catelynn – Everyone is still chomping at the bit to go to Saturn and visit iCarly, Brandon, and Teresa. This time around it’s Kim who is all up in arms about not being able to meet her. She claims she doesn’t have the patience to keep on waiting. What’s the big deal? Doesn’t she have like 6 other grandkids from her daughter? Plus, I’m pretty sure that iCarly just went out for a pack of smokes and a carton of milk and she’ll be back in time for dinner (which is probably Hamburger Helper and Jello cup). Why doesn’t she just adopt Butch and call it a day? She can braid his rat tail and pretend he’s My Little Pony. When in actuality he’s My Little Butchy. My Little Butchy, dream Butchy, I love to brush his beautiful mullet. What a beautiful song. I just wept a little. Or peed my pants. Either way I ended up wet.
Catelynn and her forehead decide that since everyone wants to meet iCarly (like that will ever happen) then she should call up Dawn at the adoption agency and see if she’ll take a meeting with April, Kim, and the rest of the Bad News Bears. But first she’s going to have to see if April is willing to put down the Twisted Teas for five and take a break from repairing the hole in the bathroom wall to meet with her. Son of a Butch and Husky Kitty end up going to that diner that just has a banner for a sign and meet up with April to discuss this whole “Dawn meeting.” Shockingly April has passed her 30 days of being sober and is well on her way to 60 days. Dare I say she’s even looking much better? She is less Skeletor looking and more like a 55 year old woman who is only really 34. She’s easy, breezy, beautiful and even her shiny forehead is saying, “Booze who? I’m here for iCarly…but if you have any booze I’ll surely take it.” April is even being the voice of reason when they’re discussing Kim being upset over not being able to see iCarly by saying, “Well Carly isn’t ours.” Someone sounds like they’re ready to take their GED STAT so someone pass April a Scantron and a #2 pencil. Pencils. Hair gel. Binders.
The “next day” Dawn shows up to Kim’s trailer to meet with everyone and explain for the 10th time that Brandon and Teresa think iCarly can get rabies if she were to meet any of them. I love how Dawn tries to pretend she’s so comfortable in the trailer, but you totally know she’s going to strip naked and burn her clothes the second she steps outside. She’ll just drive home in the nude with all the windows down so the air can cleanse her of poverty and memories of bad teeth. Dawn explains to Kim and April that Brandon and Teresa have agreed to having a relationship with Son of a Butch and Husky Kitty and doesn’t currently want the grandparents involved in their lives. I mean, why she wouldn’t want a coke-addicted incarcerated grandfather who likes to beat women and a grandmother who pisses Twisted Tea on the regular involved in iCarly’s life is a true mystery of life. I have 5 words for you: Prostitot.
In the end, it actually ends up being April who truly understands this situation and is more upset at the way she acted during all of the adoption process than anything else. I tell ya, April has a good forehead on her shoulders when she isn’t knee deep in the sauce. Kim looks like she thinks she’s on an old episode of Sally Jesse Raphael and is waiting for Dawn to be like, “I’m just kidding. Carly, get your ass out here!” and then Carly walks into the trailer whilst the audience applauds. Kim also is still on Cloud Nine from that compliment Dawn gave her about her new hairdo. Good old Kim. Friend ’til the end. Anytrash, they all end up hugging Dawn and wondering why they’re all still on this show. As am I. As. Am. I.
Farrah – It’s the day after the big “break up” between Miss Gulch and Daniel and Farrah is sure to vent to Debra and the camera crew so she can tell her side of the made up story. She makes it seem like she has no clue why Daniel would not want to date her anymore since she is such a wonderful and calm person sans attitude. Debra is sure to chime in and let Farrah know that he shows signs of needing anger management. She’s like, “Oh Farrah (in the baby voice) that sounds like anger management.” I mean, Debra would know the signs. She should have been like (more baby voice), “Did he punch Mama’s teeth out or grab the butcher knives and try to kill Mama or baby? Did Baby Goop cry and say ‘boo hoo’ I miss my Gramma?” Seriously, how this entire family didn’t end up as a newsworthy murder-suicide is mind boggling to me.
The next day Farrah is spending as much time as she can with Baby Goop because Debra will be taking her back home with her for a month so Farrah can spend more time haunting other peoples lives and practicing making English Muffin Pizzas for her final. She takes Goop to the park to play and enters the playground with her dog even though there is a giant sign that says, “No Dogs Allowed.” Farrah makes a comment that she’s sure someone will b*tch about the dog being in there. Uh, ya think? She is the worst. She has this sense of entitlement that drives me insane. She must be from the generation where every kid got a trophy even when they didn’t win and score was never kept during any sporting event because “we’re just having fun!” No, keep score. There are winners and there are losers. If you lost, practice harder and eventually you might win. Or you just might not win at all. Ever. Simple as that. And if you don’t win you definitely aren’t getting a trophy because trophies aren’t for losers. When stuff like that happens you end up getting a “Farrah” later in life. You’re welcome.
It’s the last night that Farrah and Sophia are spending together before Goop is shipped off to Stabby McWho’s House of Knives so she’s sure to sit on the toilet for a while so that Farrah can take a sandblaster to her facia bruta in order to remove the makeup. It’s actually pretty sad, I think. It’s not like she’s “visiting Grandma” for a week. It’s a month, which is like 10 years for a little kid. Speaking of this, do any of these teen moms currently have their kids at this moment? I don’t count Maci for obvious reasons that are clear to albino cartoon bulldogs with 2nd grade reading levels and first grade attention spans. Anygulch, the next day Farrah wakes up Goop at the crack of dawn so she and Debra can get to the airport on time and fly out of their lives for a hot minute. Farrah says her goodbyes to Debra, her trash claw, and Baby Goop and then it’s back to “cruising for D” for Farrah. I hope she find some. It does wonders for her personality.
Maci – Was there.
Well folks we have only one crapisode left of Teen Mom until it’s retired to the Disney Vault for good. Join me on my Facebook page so we can spend this special time together while we can.
Episode Rating: 3 1/2 Puffy Leather Couches That Gary Uses as 1 Bed