Teen Mom Recap: The One Where Baby Goop Gets in Trouble

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Was my television possessed by el diablo last night?  There was only one commercial shown every 5 minutes and then the show ended at 10:40.  Personally I loved it.  Although I wet my pants twice due to lack of bathroom time. Either way, it was a real win-win.

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Farrah – It was finally time for Farrah to be away in the UK on “business.”  Is it strange MTV wouldn’t say it was for Celebrity Big Brother?  I mean, if they just classify it as “business” we’re all going to just assume she was doing $2 dollar sucky sucky. However, since our littlest glow-worm was away, Debra was loving watching Baby Goop and calling her “Baby Goop” dozens upon dozens of times.  Mind you, Goop wanted nothing to do with Debra and wasn’t sure who Michael was since he sprouted a new beard in about 11 seconds.  I figured everyone was just in a play.

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You know what I’m loving more and more about our eldest Who, Debra?  She gives zero f**ks these days.  She’s got a face full of poison and long (straightened) flowing hair and she’s Facetiming with Farrah whilst basically being a squatter in her home.  Just because Farrah is overseas doesn’t mean she’s not still available to talk down to her family on camera, though.  This time around she’s yelling at Debra for racking up a $400 water bill, when the water bill is typically $100.  Debra was like, “Yeah it was broken so too bad.”  Sadly, this is legit what this show has come to.  Facetime water bill discussions.

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Meanwhile, Baby Goop doesn’t want to eat her Jimmy Dean’s Breakfast Sausage Sandwich (I assume) before school even though Debra is trying to force-feed her because she doesn’t want to look fat.  I mean, she does have a point.  When you have a severe underbite sitch going on you’re gonna have to rely on that figure to get you that ‘A’ in art class so might as well pick your battles.

And you know what never made sense to me?  Why at the end, they had this giant red, white and blue wreath on the front door that said welcome home and Debra was wearing a legit prom dress, Michael was in a Hawaiian shirt like Dr. Huxtable at the beginning of the season 5 opening credits (you remember the one) and Goop was dressed like a teenager hanging out at the local mall (that’s a dump).  Farrah, however, ran to Baby Goop once she got out of the car and this was the first time I was like, ‘Hmmph, did she get butt implants too?”  They all took pictures in front of the wreath and Farrah awkwardly hugged Michael and Debra.  In fact, when she hugged Debra she actually said, “Hug grandma.”  I was like, huh?  And then, I’m not joking, I’m pretty sure Baby Goop said something along the lines of, “No she doesn’t like you.”  Either that or she was summonsing the end of days.  Either way.

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By the end, they all go out for a lifeless family dinner and Debra fills in Farrah that Baby Goop got in trouble at school for wearing a face full of makeup.  Luckily Debra was there to call the Principal and tell her that, “Well this is how this family rolls” and that she’ll be wearing makeup as much as she’d like.  Farrah beamed with lifeless pride.  She then told Debra and Michael that she is going to move to LA.  Debra almost squealed with delight and is so excited because she claims there aren’t any opportunities in Austin, TX for Farrah (go figure) and now she’ll only be two hours away from Debra so that’s a plus for her and great for her current stabbing record.  Everyone wins!  Oh, and Michael is prob going to move too because, you know, cash cow.

Amber –  This week we get a nice long segment with the producers, as Amber and Sully are still pissed about Gary spilling the twice-refried-beans about Sully having upwards of 2,398 children scattered to and fro across the continental United States. In her voiceover Amber is all, “I knew about 3 of the kids and there could be more, but not 7.”  Like “7” is officially the worst number of kids he could have.  6?  Cool.  7?  No way.  They have standards.

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Apparently when Sully was on the sauce and the like he was dippin’ and doin’ all over the place, but that was the old him.  The new him is sober (minus some sauce) and a reality ‘star’ now.  Amber claimed he never signed up to be on a show where his past would come back for him.  Uh…that’s reality television.  If I were on a show I’d assume that time I stole the “Jesus is the Reason for the Season” pin from the kid who sat next to me in 1st grade would come back to haunt me and I’d be ok with that.

Either way, it’s Booger’s 7th birthday (lucky #7 again!), but Amber is only allowed like 10 minutes with her.  Gary is having a party for her so Amber and Sully can go over to simply give her their gift and turn right back around and head home.  Sully wants nothing to do with Gary at all and his basically throwing a fit, but once he gets to Gary’s house he compliments him on how nice his kitchen is turning out.  I mean, of course the redesign money would go towards the kitchen.  They let Leah open her magic set that does over 2.5 million tricks (I guess) and basically tell Leah that Gary has to watch the DVD and learn all the tricks for her.  I always like a little game of gotcha-gotcha.  I especially liked when Gary made a joke about needing to put rugs down because if you fall you’d get hurt…and if someone uses their foot to kick you down the stairs, you’ll get hurt too.  He legit said that.  Amber pretended she had no clue what he was talking about, but weeeeeee remember.  Gold.

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In the end, Amber and Sully have their own birthday party for Leah at some place where a magician acts super awkward and everyone has a good old time.  I have to admit, again, I think Amber has her stuff together.  She may not be the best judge of character in regards to men, but other than that she seems good.  I hear she now has 50/50 custody with Gary.  Good for her.

Catelynn – It’s anxiety palooza for Cate this week as she’s a nervous wreck about going on her Hawaiian honeymoon with Tyler.  Suddenly she’s scared about leaving Nova with April for 7 full days.  I guess 2-3 days at a time is ok, just not 7.  Again, lucky 7!  Tyler keeps questioning Catelynn about her anxiety and is all like, “So you think you’re going to have an anxiety attack while we’re away” as if he were asking her if she thought she’d try surfing for the first time in Hawaii.

I feel like there weren’t many scenes with these two this week.  Or maybe I just didn’t care enough to pay attention.  I did enjoy when April and crew took Nova trick-or-treating for Halloween, but that was cut short because Ty and Cate had to get to the airport and pretend they were single again.  They were all bummed, but it’s like who books a flight on Halloween night?  Seems odd.  I was severely disappointed that April was without a costume, but my spirits turned around when I saw them trick-or-treating in poverty.

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Cate and Ty seemed to have a nice time on their honeymoon.  Catelynn wore pants to the beach…so there was that.  I wonder exactly what kind of ‘party’ Butch was having at their house while they were gone?  I hope he never goes back to prison but, instead, gets a rom-com spinoff with April.  I’d watch it on any channel.  Even that one channel called POP that has zero shows on it.

Maci – Bint-Lee figured out Ryan was his father.

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