Teen Mom Recap: The One Where Amber Stars in “Good Will Hunting 2”

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I don’t want to oversell this, but this is probably the best episode of Teen Mom since the one where we watched Debra pick up trash on the side of the highway with a trashclaw sporting one of those bright orange reflector vests like she was part of a chain-gang.  This week was filled with so much junk I don’t even know where to begin.  So let’s start with Farrah because, you know, ladies (privates) first.

In case you forgot how loving Farrah and her family were, this episode really brings it all back.  Debra is still over “visiting” but is under strict orders from Farrah to not be in the same room as her especially when her pornrific friend, Paola, comes over to paint.  I mean.  Debra has a real tough time pronouncing Paola, but most likely just because I assume she’s a racist in a leather bomber with the remnants of a bad perm.  Paola, Farrah and Baby Goop are busy painting on little canvases what I can only assume are either (1) the kind of lips they all think Farrah should get next or (2) what Farrah’s “gentleman greeter” looked like before it took a pounding in a lightly-scripted porn.  All I do know is that Farrah is talking about being in love with some guy who keeps asking her to be his girlfriend and Baby Goop asks Farrah if she’s going to get married.  I think Goop knows if that happens she’s on her own….or forced to live in Michael’s sex dungeon where we can all assume Farrah grew up and the reason why she’s the way she is.  Touched much?

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Is it just me or do even the producers hate talking to Farrah?  That one lady looks pissed and scared at all moments.  Farrah can barely have a full on conversation with her because she’s getting multiple texts from Debra and she’s….wait for it….wait for it….contacting Farrah because she wants to borrow $8,015 for a facelift.  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it!  I’m sorry, how much now?  She basically has it down to the exact cent.  If I were Farrah I’d be like, “No you can’t borrow $8,015, but I’ll either beat you a new face with my bare hands or you can use that court-appointed trash claw to rearrange things on your face if you’d like?”  The point is, I so badly want to see Debra’s facelift.  In fact, I want that alone to just be a spin-off show on MTV called something like “Cindy Lou-Hoo Has a Boo-Boo.”  You know, something that really makes sense.

And can we talk about Farrah’s neighbor, Jeanne, for a hot minute?  What in the holy hell is his lady about and why is she Farrah’s best friend?  I mean, besides the fact that she must be crazy and Farrah has a disaster of a personality so the friend-game is a real hot button issue.  Farrah heads over to Jeanne’s house next door so she can film some scenes with people other than the paid MTV staff and to get some advice because Debra apparently wants to move from Seattle to Austin to be closer to Farrah and, you know, on television.  Farrah doesn’t want her mom to live with her because she’s afraid of another beatdown and wants her own space.  I have to admit, it’s super odd that Debra would allow herself to come off as this messed up on TV.  It’s also odd that in every scene Debra’s face has this oily shine to it that completely distracts me because I keep wondering if that’s what a liquid facelift looks like.

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This time around I have to agree with Farrah in not wanting to have to take care of her parents financially like they’re basically asking her to do.  I mean, Farrah had to rent out Casa de Vagina for all the world to see so that she could afford her home and entirely new head and body.  If Debra wants to live the good life too she’s gonna need to spread ’em and spread ’em quick.

Meanwhile, it’s almost go time for Cate to have that baby that seems to only have been inside her for upwards of 2 months, max.  If I were the producers I’d make her prove that she doesn’t have iCarly stuffed up there under her shirt in the fetal position.  Going to Mexico so suddenly, Cate?  Anyway, apparently Catelynn is due in 3 weeks so her doctors think now is the time to give her a diabetes test because she was only supposed to gain 10 pounds that last month and she gained, like, 340 pounds.  Now I don’t want to call bullshit on the show because I know it’s as real as Farrah’s face, but it surely seems suspect that she’d be given this test at the end of her pregnancy.  And I know stuff, so I know that’s highly unlikely.  Ask Dr. Oz.

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Either way, the results are back and Catelynn “caught the ‘betes.”  Tyler looks like if he could pick her up he’d body slam her, especially since he fat shamed her once again by talking about her original pre-baby weight back in 2006 and how even after they sold iCarly to the white-folk she never got back to that weight.  Catelynn just goes, “Yeah, I just have to realize some women never get down to the size they once were in high school.”  First off, way to give up so soon!  Second off, high school?  It was more like a room you sat in while the smartest person in the town (most likely a seeing-eye-dog) babysat you and tried their damnedest to make sure you weren’t losing your virginity in homeroom.  Failed.

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Catelynn takes this time to let Tyler’s crack-pot sister know that she has to test her blood all the live-long day and make sure it stays under 100 and how this can lead to her getting actual diabetes later in life.  Currently she just has gestational diabetes, which I can’t believe any of the people know how to pronounce, and this can impact the health of baby Nova (I mean) and means that Cate can end up delivering a 10 pound baby.  I say good.  You want to eat like a dump truck then you deserve you get your stinky ripped up for good.  I expect it to look like Michael Jackson’s last nose by the time Nova is done with her.

And you know what?  Nova?  I actually think that seems like a fitting name. Mainly because “Nova” spelled backwards is “Avon” and that’s most likely the only career this kid is going to have a chance at with grandparents like April and Butch in her life.  And just to be clear I’m not knocking door-to-door makeup salespeople.  I’m knocking babies.  Was that not understood?

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Also, I know this has nothing to do with Teen Mom but, you guys, what the hell is happening in Baltimore?  Moreover, where is Baltimore?  Is that is like Puerto Rico where we own them but they’re like out in the ocean a bit?  I’m not great with the map.

Cate’s baby shower was as wonderful (for me) as you could possibly imagine.  I’m pretty sure it was at a VFW and everyone just stood around awkwardly not saying anything while Cate had on a tiara, a sash, and then LITERALLY ate fried chicken at a bingo table with wood paneling in the background.  I can’t.  I was pissed at MTV for not showing more of this shower.  And what the hell could those people have gotten her for shower gifts?  Can you register “class” at Target?  Probably not.  Cate’s motherly instincts were already kicking in when she was wrist deep in fried chicken and actually said, “I don’t even give a f**k” all whilst April, who’s apparently a medical physician, said, “It’s ok it’s only one day.”  Good luck baby Nova!  When we’re watching your MTV special in 20 years of a forklift having to remove you from your bedroom please remember this moment.  Also, please remember to alert me as I’d like to recap that as well.

It’s finally delivery day for Hello Kitty and Tyler Perry and they’re so psyched they get to keep this one.  The hospital scene was only for like 30 seconds and the next thing you know they were home with the baby.  One funny part was how psyched April was whilst at the hospital.  She was literally running and dancing.  Something tells me she plans on hollowing out that baby and using it as a drug mule.  Just me?  Oh, and Butch called Ty at the hospital at that exact moment, yet we didn’t get to hear him?  Lies, I say, lies!

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And then there’s Amber.  Or ‘Ambey” as apparently people call her know.  Noted.  Ambey has a surprise for the producers and all of The America.  She’s has a boyfriend who’s living with her!  I’m sorry, what now?  And as if it couldn’t get any better, for me personally, this dude who we might as well just refer to as “Sully” is 19 years older than her and is from Boston with an accent so thick even I’m having a hard time understanding and I’M FROM BOSTON!  Now I don’t want to say that Sully looks like he may be on some sort of “offenders” list.  Nope, I would never say that.  But I did find it interesting that he shook everyone’s hand and said his name as soon as he met them….almost like legally he had to.

If you’re wondering about how these two lovebirds met, well wonder no more.  Apparently they met on Twitter, you know, where you typically meet people.  He Tweeted her asking her why she had so many less followers than Jenelle and next thing you know they end up talking for 7 hours on the phone. I’m sorry I’ve spent the last 7 years Tweet-shaming literally dozens of celebrities and NADA!  Nothing.  Well, once Lisa Rinna re-tweeted my Housewives recap, but I’m pretty sure that was just her assistant.  But still.  I’m pissed! Also, he’s a recovering drug addict.  Jackpot!

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Sully used to be a DJ in Boston (shocker) and decided that Boston is no longer for him so he’s gotten rid of his apartment (which sounded so strange the way he said he ‘gave it away’) and moved to Indiana to be with Ambjikistan.  Here’s the thing.  Amber actually seems happy.  Personally, I think with his age, etc there are some major daddy issues there, but those will all work themselves out on the cover of In Touch in 6-9 months.  My guess.  And, I do have to admit it’s kinda nice to seem Amber joke with Sully about his accent and, you know, not scream at him and beat the bag outta him.  Our little Amber has grown up!  Also, Amber does a pretty decent Boston accent if I do say so myself!

The one thing that bothers me about Sully, besides the fact that I still can’t decipher between Level II and Level III, is that he seems way to comfortable too soon.  Like, when Gary texts Amber that she’s a bitch and the like he’s all, “I’m going to have a sit-down with Gary because I hate seeing you get upset by him.” I’m sorry you’ve been in all of our lives for 11 minutes.  Take a seat Sully.  He does, regardless, have that sit down with Gary at a picnic table in the woods.  For real.  But I guess any lengthy conversation with Gary would have to be a sit down because, you know, the fats.

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Gary seems a bit scared and disturbed by the way Sully is talking to him and I’m equally as disturbed that they’re both getting along so well.  Gary apologizes and they both agree that in a few years they may all sit down for Thanksgiving dinner together.  Sully says, “If you’re cooking, I’m there!”  to which Gary starts to stand up and almost falls over the bench.  Rewind that scene and tell me if you agree it was about to happen.  Also, just to be clear, I’m pretty sure “Thanksgiving dinner” is just another word for “Monday night dinner” at Casa de Gar-Bear.

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I’m glad to see Amber happy and off that damn couch.  Oh!  And you know who else has good Boston accent?  Leah!  I was ok with the fact that both Amber and Leah were accent-shaming Sully.  At one point Leah goes, “Say car!”  and they all squeal with delight when he does.  Welcome to my world, folks, welcome to my world.

P.S., Maci decided to quit the show because they brought Farrah back.  Bye.

P.P.S: Check out the latest beard styles from your favorite celebs.  Click below and happy swiping!

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