Teen Mom Recap: So Amber Got Engaged or Whatever

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Are we already almost done with the season because it seems like they packed 25 things into this one episode…and by that I mean, Amber went from 0 to 60 mph in 2.2 seconds and everyone else was a snooze.  I assume this episode would begin with Amber being taken away in cuffs and Sully picking up his nose and ears off the front lawn, but apparently these two are totally in l-o-v-e/heat.  Sully is having what I can only image is the third breakfast of the day with Leah and he’s asking her permission to ask Amber to marry him.  Leah seems cool with it but totally confused that he didn’t start that sentence with “Mommy is having a baby to we’re going to try to squeeze in a wedding before she can’t fit into the dress.”  But I guess Sully is a traditional kind of Bostonian.

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It was also the episode where Sully gets to meet the rest of Amber’s family.  Stamp your BINGO card when Amber’s mom starts fidgeting and slurring.  And take a shot of pitocin if you didn’t roll your eyes when Amber referred to her brother as “Bubby.”  Amber’s mom and grandmother are a little nervous that Sully is 43 years old, especially because that’s just 3 years younger than Amber’s mom.  I think it’s totally fine.  Just because it’s basically like Amber is banging her father doesn’t mean anything at all.  In fact, I believe “Bang Yo Daddy” is the Indiana state motto and on most license plates.

You know who oddly was the voice of reason for this episode/season?  Krystal Meth.  Who knew?!  She’s the only one saying how weird it is that Amber basically just met Sully 3 weeks ago and now they’re living together with his dogs.  Amber’s like “you mean ‘different’ not ‘weird.'” And Krystal is like, “No, it’s weird.”  She just made unsung hero status to me.  Personally I don’t care about the age difference (well, a little) but I think it’s the most disturbing that they met because Sully (a 43 year old man) Tweet-flirted with her and then they started talking.  Is Twitter the new “creepy van” of our generation?  Had this been the 80’s, Ambjikistan would have gotten inside to pet his puppy and have a handful of Pop Rocks.

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By the end of the episode Sully and Amber are at the local diner and he pops the question to Amber who looks like he just asked her if she would pass the syrup.  She was like, “Yep sure.”  As soon as she said yes I was waiting for Sully to be like, “So I get half of all your stuff starting now, right?”  Amber’s mom squealed with delight when she said “At least it’s not a Walmart ring….I’m sorry I had to say it!”  She’s a real pistol this season!  Bubby (puke) is also the voice of reason where he thinks it’s creeptastic how fast they’re moving and wants Amber to take this engagement slow.  As slow as Gary’s digestive system hopefully.  Hey-oh!

Meanwhile, Farrah is pretty much still a train wreck.  She films one 11 second scene with Baby Goop (and those teeth) before she flies out to Vegas because she’s hosting some toga party for people who have such mental issues that they’d pay extra to show up to a party that Teen Mom Farrah is hosting.  As soon as she gets to Vegas she gets pitched another reality show where she and Debra (and Debra’s trash claw) will get therapy on camera.  As soon as Farrah calls Debra to ask her if she’s interested she basically says yes and is already packed all in the same breath.  Oh that Debra.  She’s like a fresh morning dew, on a brand new day.

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We also get experience what it’s like to have our ears bleed when Farrah talks to her new boyfriend in that horrific baby voice that makes me want to fly to Washington turn in my citizenship and ship off to one of those other countries where you work in the fields harvesting drugs.  Am I thinking Canada?  Either way.  What could the new boyfriend really be thinking about all of this?  And by ‘all of this’ I of course mean Farrah’s new head.  Watching her kiss him over and over again and tell him she loves him was as horrific to type as it was to watch.

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At least hijinks did take place when Debra showed up to start filming that other reality show and she got to meet Simon.  I just remembered his name, by the way.  I was like, how long can I keep typing “Farrah’s boyfriend?”  Anyway, Debra shows up to the hotel room the awkwardness immediately takes place.  Farrah starts to oddly hug Debra as she’s saying, “This is Simon” all at the same time.  It was like she was attacking her.  Debra was all, “If I knew I was going to meet you I would have worn something different.”  What does that even mean?  Did she mean, like, something from Bollywood?  And perform that dance from Slumdog Millionaire?  God I hope so.  I mean, Alla I hope so.

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We learn that Simon owns a furniture store and flips houses and Debra just says, “Oh I loooooove furniture.”  I mean.  Was that Debra flirting?  Awesome.  They all cheers their wine glasses, literally, 8 times and the show basically ends.  I honestly have no idea what I’m watching.  Oh!  And I almost forgot, we got another Farrah ugly cry when the producer talks to her about “daddy Derrick.”  I guess we can add that to the drinking game as well.

Then over at Cate and Ty’s we all get to experience them being parents for the first/second time.  Please note this consists of them sitting on the couch for the majority of their scenes per usual.  They’re understandably excited that they get to keep this baby, but something tells me that the doorbell is going to ring and Brandon and Teresa are going to be like, “Hey! Ok give us this one too and we’ll be on our way.”  One can dream.  I can honestly say that their baby is really cute (I guess) but I can’t stop thinking how lucky Nova Scotia is because she’s the grand-daughter of Butch and she doesn’t even know it yet.  Lucky!

Tyler decided to keep giving digs to Brandon and Teresa and took a picture of Nova, placed it next to a picture of when iCarly was a baby and then sent it to them to be like, “These are BOTH mine.  MINE!”  Tyler is then all pissed off that Teresa never responded back to that text.  He needs to settle down.  It’s like, relax, they’re not 20 years old where they’re texting all the live-long day.  They’re probably working, you know, jobs so that they don’t have to sell their kids.  Take notes, y’all!

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Also…Maci is back because she can’t turn down the money.  The tradeoff was that Bint Lee will no longer be part of the show because she doesn’t think her child should be in a show that features Farrah.  Lame.

PLUS:  Click through to see the best Farrah Ugly Cries of all time!

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