Teen Mom Recap: Per Usual, Barney Continues to Destroy Families

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Amber – Manscape your junk fella’s because Amber Portwood is back on the meat market!  The same as my mood changes with each beer I pound, Amber and Gary have decided to break up again.  I think the only difference is that Amber will only be using her mouth on Gar Bear and not her “gentlemen greeter.”  Poor Gar isn’t going to be able to feast his eyes on Amber’s smokin’ hot Francis tattoo that’s splattered unevenly across her FUPA.  Sorry Gary, looks like the “pressed wood” is going to take on a whole new meaning this week!  Anyobesitykills, because of the terrible break up Amber is staying back at her “old apartment of Gary beatings” with her friend Kim.  Y’all remember Kim, right?  Yeah, she’s the one who is permanently holding Amber’s place on the couch.  Also, she spends a lot of time drawing in eyebrows across her forehead on the regular.  Meanwhile, Leah can’t stay with Amber because apparently there’s no room at Kim’s because the crib is literally filled with toys and trash.  One would think they could simply remove the toys and trash from the crib and put it in, oh I don’t know, the trash…but Leah stays with Gary instead so she can learn top notch healthy eating habits and life long skills like motivation, how to be out of breath whilst taking the stairs, and how to part your few strands of hair right down the middle.  Although we can’t give all the credit to Gary because we get to witness Leah putting on her own shoes and repeatedly smashing her head against the couch over and over again and, well, that’s all Momma!

Once Amber goes to vacation at the ski lodge Gary fills her in that Child Protective Services (CPS) came ring-a-ding-donging the doorbell and looking for sweetie-pie Amber to ask her a few quick cutesie-bear questions.  Gary says they were there with this huge stack of papers for her to look at.  It was probably a flipbook of photos of Amber beating the ass out of Gary.  You flip through it until you gain enough speed that it turns into a complete animated cartoon.  Amber seems surprisingly cool during this whole conversation like she’s perhaps on enough Vicodin to halt a charging rabid bull.  More importantly for a house that is so empty it’s amazing how these two can totally just let the trash pile up all over the place.  I was waiting for one giant pile to start moving and chanting “The great trash heap has spoken!”  Shout out to Fraggle Rock, what what!

Later, Amber is getting all dolled up for her big meeting with CPS.  The good news is that she remembered to draw in the rest of her eyebrows for the big day.  The bad news is that she forgot to match her face to her neck.  Her face was legit brown and her neck was off white.  She was like Snooki on the top and Vinny on the bottom.  Also her hand was even whiter than her neck to the point where I thought that Michael Jackson came back to life just to hold the phone up to Amber’s face. Sha-more!  However, things take a bit of turn when “Bob the Lawyer” calls to let her know there’s been a slight change in plans.  The change, you ask?  Yeah, they’re actually going to have to meet at the police station instead.  Whoopsie!  I have a feeling it’s only going to get worse.  He’s like, “Yeeeah, instead of sitting in that wooden chair, Amber, you’re going to need to sit in this new and innovative electric chair.  To sum up, you’re going to die today.”  Suddenly Amber looks nervous…like nervous enough that now maybe the back of her underpants match her face.

Before they head off to go trick-or-treating at the Po Po, “Bob the Lawyer” swings by the ski lodge to give Amber and Gary Belafatee a heads up on why they’re going to the police instead.  This whole scene would be completely pointless except for the fact that we see that their fireplace mantle has multiple huge photos of Marylin Monroe going across it.  Great!  Because, yeah, she ended well.  While heading to the police station Gary is, of course, going to just wing it and sport his standard white Aero pit-stained t-shirt.  You totally know the Judge will look at him and think, “You deserved to get hurt.  You wanted it, baby!”

However, Amber catches a break because after Gary chit-chats with the police and crew Amber gets to walk free and, sadly, won’t become someones b*tch in the clink.  Looks like she’ll just have to settle being Gary’s b*tch in bed.  Same difference.  Once this ends they both go their separate ways.  Amber heads over to Kim’s to let her know everything went awesome.  She actually says something like, “CPS is just going to do something with 6-months..like check on me once in a while…just little things…but the good news is that I didn’t get arrested.”  That sounds like a silver trash bag lining in a tin garbage can to me!

In the end, Gary’s hot-ass mom is over at the chalet playing with Leah and telling Gary that he should maybe just let Amber keep her distance for now and basically self destruct on her own.  This way, Gary will be free to sell bad idea t-shirts on his own.  More importantly, Gary’s mom had a giant braid going down the back of her head with, legit, 5 different color Srunchies in it like she was friggin’ Keisha Knight Pulliam.  Let’s face it, at the end of the day that’s all that really matters.

Miss Gulch Farrah – As we know, Farrah still doesn’t have anyone to talk to so she’s filling in 2 year old Sophia on all the next steps of her legal battle.  Sophia looks like she’s not only over this conversation, but already over Farrah’s little chopped off bangs like the rest of America is.  Speaking of legal battles, Farrah and Debra have a new lawyer and this guy seems legit.  I say that based on the fact that he isn’t wearing a t-shirt like John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.  Did you know that his name is my name too?  It’s true.  Whenever we go out, the people always shout “John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.”  It’s so strange.  Anyway,  the lawyer is letting her know that Derrick’s mom is trying to get grandparent rights but based on the fact that she never had a relationship with Farrah or Sophia…or her binky…they should be in the clear.  As a side note, Debra looks fetching tonight.  There must be a swingers mixer in Whoville later.  Everyone leave your trash claws in the fish bowl and enjoy the rest of your night.  Ow owwwww!

The other shoe drops later when Debra gets some legal documents stating that Derrick’s mom is claiming that she could not have relationship with Farrah or Sophia before Derrick died because Farrah wouldn’t let her.  I have to say, I kinda believe that as Farrah is dead on the inside (and Glow Worm looking on the outside).  Debra is reacting like the document says that the grandmother is going to get to own and sell Sophia if she feels like it.  Relax, she probably wants to only see her once a year.  I mean, it’s not like Sophia is this great conversationalist.  Debra starts screaming that  they’re going to try to do a “character assassination” against Farrah.  Can they drop the “character” and just go with the “assassination?”  I jest.  Me gusta Slimey.

When it’s finally time to head to court Farrah is driving herself and Debra there.  I’m sure Debra had Farrah drive so that she could have full use of both her hands so she could slap at Farrah on the regular with both her left and right hand equally.  And that’s when it happens.  Barney.  That purple son-of-a-b*tch is referenced.  To try and calm Farrah down Debra starts spewing out nonsense about how she and Sophia went on the Internet to a Barney website and Sophia loved it.  Farrah loses her sh*t and starts screaming at Debra that she doesn’t give a crap about Barney and doesn’t want to talk about him right now.  At one point she called him “the Barney” but I’ll let that slide.  She continues to tell Debra that that’s why she sucks as a mother because she can’t calm her down.  Gulp.  I started immediately sweating from my ass and flinched as soon as Debra looked up at her.  I started shaking and stuttering and yelling at the TV, “She…she didn’t mean it Debra.  She she…she’s just nervous and stressed.  She, she didn’t know what she was saying.  Please, Debra, pppplease just don’t murder her.”  Damn that Barney.  Damn him to tell.  I love you, you love me, we’re a trash claw family. With a court ordered clean up and a butcher knife from me to you, won’t you say restraining order too!

In the end, Farrah wins her big court case and grandparent rights are not granted.  Farrah calls Derrick’s dad and stepmom to tell them the news (she’s way nicer to those strangers than she is her own mother) and later she and Debra celebrate by doing an awkward dance with Sophia whilst Michael sits on the floor with a fireman’s helmet on with a look on his face like he’s counting down the days until he can get a legit divorce.

Catelynn – We start things right off with a beloved phone call from April.  I love April on the phone.  I only wish it was Skype.  Although for April, I’m sure that just consists of her holding a cordless phone and looking into her 14″ black and white TV and yelling, “Can you see me?  I can see me.  Can you see me?”  April is feisty today and is yelling at Cate to come over and “get your sh*t” and that she only has until 3:00 to pick it up.  Or what?  Or you’re going to move it yourself?  Doubtful.  Suddenly April just shouts, “someone is here” and then she hangs up the phone.  Now is what she’s experiencing technically called “a bad trip” because I think it is.  She probably thought she saw her Twisted Tea’s coming to life and she was going to chase after them.

However, this episode can’t be all April.  We have to make some room for Butch too!  Butch is able to take a break from the halfway house so Tyler and Cate bring him out for lunch.  During their 5 star dining, Tyler brings up the fact that he needs to go to therapy with Butch, Butch needs to go to therapy with April, Cate needs to go to therapy with April, and then they all need to go to therapy together.  Isn’t it just cheaper to drink and black this all out?  Eh, that’s my life strategy.  Anyway, Butch drops some words of wisdom saying that therapy only works if you go and do it for yourself.  Wow, I was impressed.  Buuuuut, then he finished it with, “You can’t go to therapy for your truck.”  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it!  So you mean to tell me you shouldn’t make life decisions based on your truck?  Hmm.  Well obviously I’ve been doing it wrong this whole time.

Wait a second, Catelynn and Tyler are STILL in high school?  No joke, weren’t they Juniors when 16 & Pregnant was filmed over THREE years ago?  Geesh, take it slow clearly.  Anyway, April heads over to their apartment smoking her Misty 120’s and wreaking of regret and actually says she likes their place and can’t believe that Catelynn is actually doing her homework.  I’m not sure what the big deal is.  I mean, it must get easier when it’s the third year in a row you’re doing the same assignment.  They bring up how April must miss Butch and she admits that she does.  I don’t blame her.  How can she stay away from those neck tattoos and half black half gray rat tail?  They also bring up going to therapy but April refuses to answer that and then suddenly just up and leaves, trips down the last step, and then looks around like someone pushed her.  Awesome.  Meth fits are a real hoot (allegedly)!

Later Cate calls up April, crying, to tell her how she feels and April is legit confused by what she is saying.   She doesn’t understand why Catelynn thinks all these things about her. April must be nervous now knowing she’s on a TV show because she’s saying things like “yes dear” and “I love ya, kid.”  Although, April does try to defend her actions and behavior to Cate by saying, “You’ve known me your whole life.  It’s not like I’m a surprise to you!”  How do I get that on a t-shirt because it’s my new life motto.  Next time I piss someone off I’m going to just simply say, “You’ve known me for (insert # of years here).  It’s not like I’m a surprise to you!”

In the end (boringly) April takes up Cate on her offer to go to therapy and have it filmed.  The “social worker” who is playing the role of the therapist looks bored out of her mind and isn’t entirely sure why she herself is there.  Also, I believe they’re at therapy in this ladies basement.  April ends up admitting that she doesn’t know why Catelynn feels this way about her (that her personality always changes and she never knows which “April” she’s going to get) but she also admits to calling Catelynn a b*tch and a whore when she’s angry because she doesn’t know what else to say.  I think it’s fine.  Stick with b*tch and whore.  It works for you.  Poor April (literally and figuratively) cries over all of this and I actually feel bad.  I am glad, however, that she treated herself to those nice blue hoop earrings from the dollar bin.  I love April with all of my blackened-rotted-out heart.

Maci – Ugh I can’t again with Maci.  It’s literally killing me.  Here goes it (Cliff Notes version).  Even though it’s 2 hours away, Maci is still committing to Chattanooga Community College and she’s meeting with her adviser (who is probably also the janitor) to talk about her grades.   Surprise, she failed two classes.  Um, maybe because it takes her, literally, 2 hours to get to class.  She later heads home to tell her dad that Kyle has moved in with her.  He’s pissed. Maybe he’s just upset that he sort of has bangs like he’s a mix between Ma’am Popadopolis and the original Caroline Manzo.  I have no clue why Maci is driving back and forth 2 hours when she could just go to one of those online colleges where you can get your Masters in VCR Repair in 10 days.  Dumb.

Later, Maci tells Kyle that she may move home because of that God damn 2 hour commute that she won’t stop talking about all crapisode.  Maybe she just wants to get away from Kyle’s cold sores he has on his lips.  One may never know the real reason.  However, to break up the tension they all decide to go to the park so Bint-Lee can play and run wild and stab other children with pencils and the like.  Fine, I made that last part up.  At one point Maci asks Bint-Lee if he loves “Kie.”  Kie?  Who the F is Kie?  Whoever this Kie is Bint-Lee nods his head that he does love him.  Maybe Kie is an imaginary friend, like the ones Farrah has?  Speaking of Bint-Lee, they’re trying to potty train him (yawn) and give him gummies if he goes pee-pee.  Eh, I’ve done more for less.  No big deal.

Maci ends up deciding that she is moving home and is looking for apartments.  She is basically getting an entire house for $800 a month.  A house.   WTF.  She ends up choosing her friends parents condo and also decides she’ll keep their furniture as well.  I’m sure that’s totally a great idea and that Bint-Lee isn’t going to chew up all the wood and take a steaming hot sh*t on their sofa.  It’ll all work out fine, just fine.  Anyone else notice that Maci’s hair has magically changed color in this scene?  She’s now blond.  I hope she was proactive enough to make sure the carpet matches.  Maybe she dyes it on those 2 hours car drives.  She’s like, “Bint-Lee rinse this sh*t out of momma’s hair while I take left on interstate 95, y’all!”

In the end, Maci moves into her new place and “Kie” surprises her with a visit and tells her that he’s quit his job and is going to move in with her. He’s reeeeeaaaallly committing to following his meal ticket no matter where she goes.  I think two parents without jobs is a great example to set for Bint-Lee.  As long as a camera is in your face just sit back and relax!

Episode Rating:  4 Snappily Dressed April’s!

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