Teen Mom Recap: Orange You Glad I Didn’t Say Trash Claw?

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Time for another episode of “Now You’re Just Moms.”  Join me on my Facebook page (click here) and be sure to click the “Recommend” button so you can share this will all your friends and family members that you hate.  Ole!

Farrah – Bolt down the furniture and put the rubber sheets on the bed because Debra Claus is coming to town.  She’s making a list, she’s checking it twice, she’s gonna turn into Stabby Spice.  Debra Claus is coming to town.  However, before Debra makes it to sunny Florida for the annual Who convention (they discuss safety tips like how to sleep with a candy cane in your hands in case the Grinch breaks in during slumber time), Ashley is there to remind us all what Farrah’s underbite used to look like.  That’s nice of her.  I was almost starting to forget.  I jest.  I have a cardboard cutout of Farrah’s teeth in my apartment.  Ashley loves Farrah’s new apartment, but wants to make sure that when Debra gets there they don’t all fight and claw (trash) each others eyes out.  It’s funny because I hope the opposite of that.  In order to make sure things remain light and carefree they decided to buy a wig so that they can dress Debra up and/or finalize their disguise for the witness protection program.  This is the same strategy, I’m sure, that Michael has if and when he ever gnaws off the chain around his ankle and breaks free from Who-Manor and can make a break for it to Mexico and start a new life.

Debra finally arrives looking like she just bombed an audition for a backup dancer for a J. Lo cover band.  Most likely she had to do the running man to “Waiting for Tonight.”  After being there for a few minutes Farrah, Ashley, and Ashely’s bottom row of protruding teeth give Debra the wig that they’d like her to sport.  Dreams really do come true (and not just for those know-it-alls at the Make a Wish Foundation) because Debra flips the wig on and my heart melts.  Well, where my heart would be in my chest started to get a little warm.  I assumed whatever is there melted.  Perhaps it was gas.  Debra looked like a cross between Katy Perry’s crackhead nana and, of course, Kazoo from the Flintstones.  I really hopes she keeps the wig on the entire episode because it’s likely she’ll brutally murder both of her daughters and, well, I’d like to see that wig in her mug shot.  Later “the sisters from hell” decide to go out for a little while and so they leave Kazoo-Who to watch Baby Goop which probably means 30 minutes of baby voice.  However, apparently Debra fell asleep and Baby Goop got into the nail polish and painted the dogs penis hot pink.  I’m not joking.  It was pink.  It should have been blurred out because you know there is a large animal fetish audience who watches this show.  Oh there isn’t?  Oh.  Farrah is pissed when she comes home and sees this and then yells at Debra for falling asleep on the job.  Ironically enough I have a feeling that Debra paints Michael’s penis pink to so that if he ever does escape and make it to Mexico and she catches him she can easily identify him.  She’s like, “Hola senor.  Donde esta your penis?”  That’s also her pick-up line at the supermarket as well, so, same/same.

So let’s get down to brass tax and brass tacks all at the same time, mainly because I’m not sure of the proper usage and, well, it’s not the kind of blog that is built on knowledge and smarts.  But you already knew that or you wouldn’t be here.  You also would have probably gotten that promotion at work, but that’s another story for another time.  It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for!  It only makes sense that the fight between Ashley, Farrah, and Debra would take place in a Floridian Chinese Food House.  I felt like all of that should be capitalized because, you know, we’re talking about high class/authentic Fort Lauderdale cuisine.  Plus, if it’s the kind of place that they make the food directly in front of you Debra is sure to grab a butcher knife and start taking names.  Anywho (literally), things start of with your normal eye rolls and huffs when Debra tries to interact with the Orange Julius Sisters.  Ashley seems the most aggravated with Debra but that could be because she’s the color of the wall behind her and is still trying to pull off that feather in her hair look that older women from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills refuse to move on from.  Ashley (which is Latin for: Beam of Sunshine) is all up in arms because Debra keeps asking her if she’s having a nice time.  I know.  What a b*tch.  Little does Ashley know that she’s filming a television show and, you know, people need to vocally interact with each other.  Things take a sharp left turn when Farrah and Ashley gang up on Debra and tell her that she’s being annoying…and suddenly Debra throws out the fact that they bought a wig for her and some other ugly things to put on her.  The best part was that they looked like they didn’t know what she was talking about.  They were like, “You mean the wig that we were going to wear later for dress up?”  Seriously everyone is bricks.

Later, Farrah tells Debra she would say the same mean things to other people who were aggravating her and if they don’t like it they shouldn’t be around her…to which Debra replies, “I don’t think anyone is left standing.”  Bravo.  The only thing missing from Debra was if she did a z-snap with her trash claw.  Farrah immediately stands up and we see the hint of her trademark “ugly cry” to which I squealed with delight and, of course, quickly closed my laptop on my criggity-crotch over and over again until I woke up when Ashley was confronting Debra for being a bad mother and the like.  Another sharp left takes place when Debra says she won’t engage with Ashley right now because it’s against her religion.  Huh?  Ashley then sasses back that Debra doesn’t have a religion because she’s a “satanic psycho b*tch.”  Aww that’s sweet but leave some of those inspiring words for her eulogy, Ash!  She ends up walking out the restaurant as well, but not before letting Debra know that she and Farrah have messed up lives because of her.  Who do they blame the orange faces on?  My guess would be Michael but, again, that’s just a guess.

In the end the girls return to the table and pretend like nothing ever happened.  Luckily it’s all documented so we can watch it over and over again on a loop.  At home, while the girls go back out for a night out on the town where they discuss things like Debra being a bad mom and crazy, Debra is in bed with Sophia and asks her to pray with her to which Baby Goop just replies back “no.”  Brilliant.  If she could string a few more words together to form a sentence I’m sure she would have finished it off by saying, “…and get your tired ass outta my bed, ho!”  Seriously how creepy did Debra look in that bed?  I got up and locked my front door.  She looked like she has just take a few sleeping pills with her Pinot Grigio and was going to her “happy place.”  Speaking of which…

Catelynn – For reasons that have not been disclosed to me, Catelynn is dressed like Mrs. Roper heading down to the Regal Beagle.  I thought it was important to start with that.  Apparently since “college” doesn’t start for a few more months she and Tyler Perry got jobs at a clothing store so they could pay their bills.  A clothing store where they live?  Most likely DOTS or 5-7-9.  I’m kidding.  Either Merry-Go-Round or Chess King for sure.  I loved how in Cate’s voiceover she actually said, “We live in a trailer park.”  That is officially my new ringtone on my phone.  Evidently since they live in this high-class trailer park, Butch needs to go before “the board” to see if he can live there with them.  Sadly, Butch is not allowed to live in a trailer park because of his background and, you know what, he’s pissed!  Butchy-Poo seems to think that “rumors-are-a-spreadin'” to the Trailer Park Board (TPB) that he is a big drinker.  Butch is sure to clear that up immediately to Ty-Ty by letting him and everyone else know that “I’m not a drinker.  I have a few beers, but I’m not a drinker.  If anything I like cocaine.”  Ohhhh good.  I’m glad that’s cleared up!  He’s like, “I won’t have a pint of Vodka for breakfast, but I may huff a can of computer cleaner on the regular.”  Fine I made that last part up but you and I both know he was thinking it.   It’s like I’m walking on sunshine!  But don’t worry about Butch.  He’ll be fine.  He says that he’ll just live under a bridge or in a cardboard box or something.  At least we’ll know where to forward his mail to.

I’m glad all of our trash bag friends showed up in this crapisode.  There was Butch, April, and Kim!  I was hitting my Bingo card like a mad man and eventually won the Troll Doll prize during the coverall game.  To make things even better there was even a little cartoon of a baby Butch with a mullet throwing food from his highchair.  I mean, can life get any better?  I think not.  I mean it could have been a little better if they had a cartoon April with a giant forehead trying to feed him in the highchair but I ain’t (ai-not) mad at ya MTV!  Later, Butch packs up his one little red suitcase (which he talks to like a dog by rolling it away and saying “Come on suitcase, come on.”) and leaves the trailer possibly for good.  This frees up the law so that April can now come and visit and does she ever.  She’s sitting across the couch from Catelynn, forehead to forehead, talking about Butch finishing up his parole so that the no contact order can be dropped and they can drink Twisted Teas off the back porch and shoot a tin cans and squirrels and, you know, really achieve that American dream.  I was sad to see that Cate has some bangs covering up half her forehead.  And you could totally see April glancing at that thinking, “No how do I get the T-Boz too?”

Tyler is a little bummed out so he stops by Kim’s house so he can tease her perm with a pick and the like.  Kim is sporting a newer hairdo and a plunging yellow tank.  She looks sun-kissed and money poor.   Just the way I like it.  Kim gives Steven Tyler words of wisdom so that she can forget about Butch and his hijinks and not have to worry about him anymore.  I’m sure they cut the cameras when Kim discussed her own past cocaine use.  Allegedly.  Fine, not even allegedly.  I made it up.  But I totally picture Kim with her shoulder pads blazer managing the local supermarket and going back to her office (metal folding chair and milk crate) and doing lines of coke off of a shopping carriage.  I need a therapist and, quite possibly, a geneticist (y’all!).  In the end, Tyler ends up having dinner with Butch at a place where a “steak” is ordered and Butch cuts it with a knife and his fingers…no joke.  He’s like, “Mmm steak.”  It’s like dude you’re in a diner in East Bum (just left of the trailer park)…that ain’t steak.  Ahh the poors.  They’re such simple folk.  Anyway, they both joke about getting collect calls from the prison when Butch breaks the law and squeal with delight over their own trash bag lives.  I hope Snarlin’ Darlin’ stays on the straight and narrow just so he can possibly get his own spin-off.  It could be called, “Rat Tales.”  See what I did there?

Amber – Oh Jesus bolt the televisions to the entertainment centers because Amber is depressed!  It’s hard to tell because her face is usually beaming with happiness wrapped in butterflies and dipped in Barbie Doll tears of joy.  But, nonetheless, Amber is bummed out because she doesn’t want to be in rehab for another two weeks.  She misses the sweet love of Gary and they way she almost sees Jesus when he is on top of her and cutting off her air supply (I’m all out of love, I’m so lost without you).  The same way that parents are told not to let a newborn sleep in their bed because you can roll over and smother them in their sleep, Gary should not be allowed to sleep with Amber in the bed either.  At least get her one of those angel breathing monitors.  Sidenote, I know too much about kids without having them.  I’m about 2 more facts away from having to legally introduce myself to my neighbors and no longer able to partake in Halloween.

Even through all the doom and gloom we get to see Gary’s MILF, Carol, exit the ski chalet sporting a husky-sized Winnie the Pooh t-shirt (that says “Honey” on it) and dungaree capri pants.  I mean, they could have been “relaxed fit” but on our beloved Carol they were tight capri’s.  Carol first tries to sit on the ground, but almost dies, and then somehow gets herself up off the ground so she can take a crack at breaking the porch swing (Hurricane Gloria didn’t break the porch swing, Monica did!).  MILFY thinks that 30 days in rehab isn’t long enough to put a dent in Amber’s crazy.  I agree.  I think she needs 5 years in the prison system.  Look how well it worked out for Butch.  He’s 50 and almost done with parole.  The system works.  Ask anyone.  Later Amber calls up Gar Bear to say she misses being home but he ends up telling her to talk to creepy JJ (her therapist) to see if he thinks she can be released into the wild yet.  Even Leah is screaming “Talk to JJ” from across the table.  She’s probably desperate for Amber to stay there since they now have a new TV and doesn’t want it kicked down the stairs so she can watch it and pretend Dora is her real mother.  I’m kidding.  I mean “madre.”  Ole!  The guy who cuts the lawn at the ski chalet obviously is Diego.

As Amber’s head continues to expand in Malibu rehab (EXPENSIVE!) she decides to talk with three of her therapists individually.  Suddenly she’s Goldilocks trying these three out?  Gary, of course, will play the roll of the three bears.  Duh.  Anychins, JJ is pointless. However, her second therapist is totally no nonsense.  She legit thinks Amber is an idiot for wanting to go home now when she’s still an angry b*tch-bag.  At one point she told Amber she should have shut her mouth and sat in the corner during her fight(s) with Gary.  Finally a voice of reason!  Amber seems to think because she hasn’t literally kicked anyone’s ass in 30 days she’s cured.  But she still has that look on her face like if the TV gave her the side-eye there would be major beef (to which Gary would eat).  Finally Amber decides to try out one last therapist and partake in a little hypnotherapy.  This one is my favorite because it involves Amber with her eyes closed talking really slowly.  Seriously how creepy was that therapist?  He kept on touching her hand and the side of her face and then looking up at the camera crew like, “Did you just film that?”  Apparently during this session Amber was supposed to talk about what makes her so angry from her childhood and evidently it was father telling her to “shut your mouth, b*tch.”  Oh please.  That’s how my father taught me how to do fractions and, well, look at me now!

In the end, Amber decides to stay in “the ‘hab’ for another 15 days so she can get herself right and prepared for her future 5 years in the prison system.  I have to admit once this season is over I’m going to miss seeing how Gary and Leah interact with Amber in the slammer.  I hope MTV does some show about this.  If not, I’m getting my 1989 camcorder and heading to the Indiana jail/gel.  We is fiances!

Maci  – Ugh.  Who cares? Quickly, Maci spends the whole time trying to get Bint-Lee into pre-school and Kyle has a look on his cartoon albino bulldog face like he couldn’t pass the entrance exam.  It’s like, dude, put the square peg in the square box and call it a day.  Plus, Kyle fully admits that “those kids” will be smarter then he is because they’ll learn Spanish.  Aaaaand Kyle is officially edged out of the current job market.

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Episode Rating:  8 Trash Claws (For Reasons That Debra Knows About)

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