Check your naughty factory for a fetus because it’s time for another crapisode of Ye Ole Teenage Madre. It’s both “old timey” and “Spanish.” I’ve decided. Before we get to the goods, I have a little housekeeping to discuss. I need y’all to help me win a little contest Bravo is holding to become the bartender in the background on Watch What Happens Live. Click here to to learn how to nominate me to win! I mean I’m sure this is breaking the rules of some sort, but your “recommendation” would greatly be appreciated. Thanks! Oh, and while you’re clicking on stuff, feel free to click here (see what I did there?) to join me on my Facebook page and discuss all things reality television. On to the trash!
Catelynn – I’m kicking things off with Catelynn this time around because I have 10 words for you: Butch is Back! After a 90 day stint in jail that had immediately followed his 30 year off-and-on stint in jail, Butch is finally being released back into society, our lives, and our hearts. Like any good son does, Tyler is off to pick up his dad who’s wandering around an empty parking lot sporting a full mullet, white wife beater, and gleam in his eye. He has a look on his face that states, “Where are my drugs, I wanna head back to the slammer by sundown.” It’s been such a long time since we’ve really seen Snarlin Darlin that I can’t recall if his mullet used to braided into a rat tail or if he really did grow it out into this stringy, grey, curly mullet. It’s what I picture April’s “downstairs neighbor” to look like when she doesn’t have the money for things like “a razor” and “motivation.” To be honest, had he grown out the sides a little bit more he would be giving Kim a run for her 80’s money!
Once Butch is back in the the wondrous trailer that Ty and Cate live in (since they can now afford thanks to selling their baby to “the whites”) he’s informed of “the rules” that he was supposed to live by last season. This includes normal things like: Don’t Kill Anyone in This House and Don’t Do Drugs and Then Go Looking for April and Her Sexy Forehead. I mean, these are rules that we all need to live by I think. Bean Pole McGee takes a minute to show Butch photos from his graduation that he missed and once he sees a picture of April (looking like a white trash deer in tractor headlights) he just simply says, “Hey that’s my wife…cool!” That’s right Butch. You just shout ’em out when you know ’em. He must have been the smartest thug in the prison. He also must have been the thinnest. How he didn’t just slip through the prison bars and walk home is beyond me. However, we all know that deep down Butch loves the slammer. It’s quaint and if there’s one thing we’ve learned from The Shawshank Redemption it’s that prison is pretty fun and typically has a nice library.
Anystache, Butch has it pretty easy as far as the trailer goes. He doesn’t even have to pay rent as long as he doesn’t go missing or anything. Sounds like a really good deal to me and overly easy to obey. The next day, Butch goes missing. I know. There’s just so much to do in the part of Michigan that they live in how can you not just simply go missing? I would have immediately placed a pic of Butchy-Poo on the back of a milk carton and issued am Amber Alert. Of course in this case an Amber Alert would just mean that I would Tweet Amber and see what she was up to. Regardless, Ty and Cate are pissed that it’s 11:15pm and Butch hasn’t answered his phone, checked in, or really let them know what nationality he is. You know what? I’m pissed to. I’m sure he dug an underground railroad to April’s hut so that he could open up Zima bottles off her forehead and spoon her until the cows come home. Spooning her obviously refers to Butch assaulting April with spoons and “until the cows come home” is obviously a shout out to Catelynn and Kim. I jest. Cate just had iCarly 3 years ago so I understand it takes that long to take the baby weight off. Either way, Ty decides that at 11:15pm he’s locking the front door and heading to bed. Uh, is that really a big deal? Didn’t Butch originally go to the slammer for breaking and entering? Busting that trailer front door is like sliding down the whipped cream tongue and grabbing the final orange flag during the Physical Challenge. In other words, it’s a lay up.
Towards the end, Catelynn ends up having a lunch date with Kim and I end up having a smile on my facia bruta the entire time. Kim is sporting a fresh home permanent and a sexy light blue lacy tank top. It’s not until minutes later that we see her Walmart bra straps hanging out the back. Similar to Butch’s new mullet, Kim’s tank top is business in the front and party in the back…and 80’s all around. It goes without saying that I think Kim is the greatest. I always spend my time looking at her and wondering how she was married to Butch (did she do drugs too?) and then my mind starts wandering and I sadly picture Kim doing the nasty with Snarlin’ Darlin’ all whilst wearing her blazer with shoulder pads and her eyes bugging out. And you know what? Now you are too, America, now you are too. Kim ends up giving some advice to Tyler that he shouldn’t be an enabler to Butch like she was for 20 years because it gets you nowhere. She also lets him know that he shouldn’t have to parent his parent. Unfortunately at no point does she let him know that he needs to stop wearing clothes that are 10 sizes too big for him….unless, of course, he’s starting up a Kris Kross tribute band which, in all likelihood, he is. Jump! Jump!
In the end, Butch finally makes it back home sporting a red wife beater and those long jean shorts that stop right above the ankle that, literally, no one wears anymore and certainly not 50 year old men. Tyler gives Butch some tough love and wants to know where he was. Butch, of course, was just simply out with his friends. He uses generic names like “Jimmy” and “John.” I’m sure those are the secret passwords you must use to gain entrance into both the meth lab and April’s pants. Go figure. In order to liven things up a bit, if I were Tyler and Catelynn I would have freaked out Brandon and Teresa by calling them and saying, “Butch went missing and we think he’s on his way to your home so I would hide iCarly in a pinata for a few hours if I were you!” By the way, whoever isn’t Butch for Halloween this year is an idiot and I, my friends, certainly won’t be an idiot!
Amber – It’s finally time for Gary to ask for the seat belt extender and large Slurpee because he needs to fly out to California to visit Amber in her 5 star rehab facility on the beach. I hope he’s packed the Speedo and noodle! Gar-Bear is bringing his friend Andy with him on this trip who is also shockingly overweight. Apparently obesity travels in pairs. I hope he leaves instructions for the ski-lift operator at the chalet on how to lock up because it looks like snow where they live and they’re likely to have a great ski season whilst Gary is in sunny CA. Speaking of CA, Amby-pants is really tired lately due to all the sitting around and piercings. I wonder if at that rehab instead of giving them sobriety chips they just pierce odd parts of your body? It’s like, “You completed 30 days! Now let me see your gentlemen greeter and this won’t hurt a bit!” Just me? Moving on. Per usual, Amber chats with her creeptastic counselor (who is probably just another patient who has been given a Miami Vice suit) about how she’s afraid that Leah is going to forget her. I mean, with any hope she does! Although I’m sure when Gary walks around shirtless she thinks it’s Amber anyway just wearing a Brooklyn hat. Since Leah has a decent vocabulary I’d bet she’d say, “Mommy has new rack and hairy belly?!” I don’t know why I have her talking like a caveman but it really works for me.
Later it’s finally the day when Gar arrives at “the ‘hab” and Amber is all excited. I mean, she’s not smiling or showing any emotion but she does keep saying that she’s excited. Sure she almost falls asleep whilst saying it, but still. Since it’s a big day Amber makes sure to put on her best tank top that I’m pretty sure was made out of a Howard Johnson’s bed spread (with obligatory bed bugs) and brush her new Octomom hairdo. To sum up, she looks like a walking disaster. The sad news is that once Gar arrives we immediately learn that there was a mistake and he, Amber, and Leah can’t be together all at the same time. To make things worse, Gary can’t even be in Amber’s rehab room either. They must hug it out in the hallway where punches can’t be thrown easily (due to narrow walls I assume). Speaking of the hug. I mean, did anyone else yell towards their TV “Go Go Gadget Arms!” when Amber tried to hug Gary? Well I did and, you know what, it was the best thing I said all day. Not for nothing but if you can afford XBox and a ski chalet why not just take a cue from Lauren Manzo and go for the lap band? Personally this coming holiday season I plan on eating like a rabid animal in heat and then just asking Santa for lap band. Seems like an easy solution and one that is right up my alley. You can drink with lap band though, right?
Amber and Gary weren’t really featured too much in this crapisode which was as shame because I figured there would have been a little sexy-dance or ass-kicking ceremony taking place. Sadly, we were sans fun. However, we did get to witness them “taking therapy” together. Taking therapy is the new “take steak.” I think what I liked best about the therapy session was how Amber was basically passed out and leaning up against Gary on this bench. Gary is so God damn large that Amber looked like a puppet sitting on his lap. After Amber admits to being sane enough to now take her medication daily they decide to talk about their relationship and trust issues. Evidently Gary is afraid Amber will cheat on him and Amber (for some odd reason) thinks that Gary will cheat on her. Yeah, maybe with Wendy…you know…from actual Wendy’s? Gary makes a statement that forces me to sucker punch my self in the a ding-a-ling for upwards of 17 seconds. And that statement has to too with the fact that he’s been with other girls while Amber was with other guys. Who are these girls? Does his MILF, Carol, count? What takes place at that damn chalet? I picture him putting on the bunny suit and heading off to one of those plushie conventions that Indiana is likely to have in every other town. Obviously it will take place in a Raddison or Red Roof Inn. But you knew that already didn’t ya? After all my puking stopped I came back in time to see Amber scream out “F you, Gary! You don’t wear your heart on your sleeve. You wear your heart on your d*ck!” and then she storms off. I mean, if I thought for one second that Gary could even find/see his d*ck I’d believe Amber but, come on, it’s a gotta be like trying to find Baby Jessica in the well. You know she’s down there somewhere but you can’t see past that damn wooden bucket. P.S., there’s a hole in that bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza. There’s a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, a hole.
After Amber storms off she quickly comes back because, let’s face it, she’s cured (!!) and decides that she wants to go steady with Gary. Since Gary must have an all-girl lineup waiting for him at the chalet he says he wants to think about it for the week to make sure this really is what Ambjikistan wants. I’ll assume that was all code for him wanting to undo her piercings and wash her with a fire hose. P.S., is Leah still in the car? Crack a window. Malibu gets hot. EXPENSIVE!
Farrah – Our very own Miss Gulch is finally all on her own in Fort Lauderdale and things must be going well since last week because she’s already d0g-sitting for her neighbor. That makes sense. Farrah did so well with one dog that it’s perfectly normal that she’s ready to handle two. Shortly after we understand why Farrah was willing to watch her neighbors dog. You see, boys and girls, Farrah is what I like to call “in heat.” We quickly get to meet her neighbor (whom she calls “neighbor”) and it’s clear to me that he’s in the Taliban. I think it’s sweet that Farrah wants to date the Taliban. They’re a nice group and seem to really like America. Either way Farrah seems smitten and I think we’re all ready to see her in a burka. Hopefully it comes with a muzzle as well. I wonder if she’ll be bringing Taliban Teddy to the graveyard like she enjoys bringing baby goop?
Since it’s date night for Miss Gulch, she decides to leave Baby Goop with some crackpot neighbor in her building. Later she leaves her with some other neighbor too. I mean, does Farrah just open up her apartment door, stick her worm head out into the hallway, ring a bell, and yell “Who wants her for 2 hours?” I think this is her safest bet considering in the last episode we learned that there are sex offenders busting at the seams in her neighborhood. Eh, either way. Farrah’s date seems to be going well as she and Taliban Teddy go to the driving range. They could have been at a poetry reading for all I know because all I could see was Farrah’s new rack. At one point I was like, ‘Oh she stuffed Sophia under her shirt so she could come on the date too!” Seriously, Farrah could barely swing the club because her new boobs were in the way. I think they look good, however. They make her look more confident and smarter too. Plus, I think it’s about time they gave a Glow Worm double D’s. Teach the kids young. Legit she’s like t*ts on a stick…and with as much personality. I’m sure Debra squeezes them with her trash claw when she comes to visit. It was actually nice to see Farrah with a smile on her brace face (shout out to Catelynn: Season’s 1- 3). It’s nice to see how attention from male strangers really makes Farrah happy. I’m sure there are no issues there at all.
Later we learn that it’s Farrah’s 20th birthday. Debra gives her a call on her “old-timey” phone and looks like she wants to cry the whole time. I bet that Michael is dead and buried in the backyard. I also bet that had Debra been in Florida on Farrah’s birthday she would have given her 20 spankings with “the claw.” That’s right folks, two trash claw jokes in 1 recap! It’s like getting the 7-11 on $25,000 Pyramid. Things that a douche would say? Things that a loser would blog about? Things that you give to a leper? Ding! Ding! Ding! Anyclaw, Debra wants to know all about Taliban Teddy and is shocked that he is 28 years old. Farrah is immediately a miserable B and basically hangs up on Debra. They cut the scene but I really wanted to know how Debra hung up her phone. Where does the ear piece go?
Farrah decides to bring Sophia to the zoo for her own birthday and demands that the zoo worker (zoo keeper?) drives them both around the zoo because (1) it’s hot and (2) she’s never been to the zoo before. She doesn’t even ask nicely. She just demands it. I would have been like, “Cut the cameras. B*tch I’m gonna pin you down.” Ever since seeing the RHONJ Reunion from 2 years ago I’ve always wanted to use that line and, well, I think now’s the time. I think now. Is. The. Time. Later, Farrah ships off Sophia to another sitter so that Taliban Teddy and his stick legs can take Farrah out for a nice birthday dinner. This poor bastard has no idea what he’s in for. Somehow the topic of conversation turns into what Farrah would like to do on her day off and she replies “work.” Taliban Teddy, who actually just might be Italian after all, basically tells Farrah that she needs to relax and she immediately starts talking to him like he’s Michael. I couldn’t even believe it. She is such a treat. If I were him I would have tossed her bony ass in the ocean. She would have floated for new and obvious reasons.
Maci – Ugh. Maci. Let’s get this over with. Maci and 57 of her friends are all in Florida crashing Ryan’s family vacation. For reasons that are never discussed, Maci is dressed like Michael Jackson for the first few minutes of her scenes. Had Bint-Lee been there with her he would have been Bubbles. Obviously. The good news is that we finally get to meet Ryan’s new girlfriend. Her name is Dallas but she spells it with like an “i” one “l” and a silent “czh” I believe. She’s basically Maci 2.0 and everyone knows it. She would have been the “After Maci” in a Before/After Pro-Activ commercial. All of Ryan’s friends think that Maci is a stalker for following Ryan down to Florida and apparently she texted him saying that he would have had more fun with her than his new girlfriend? Oh really? Prove it. Let me see the text. Show me the receipts.
Most of Maci’s scenes are about waiting to see Bint-Lee on the beach and whether or not Ryan’s girlfriend will be part of the random family picture that will take place on the beach. It was nice to see Ryan’s signature yawn while Maci and her 10 friends were walking towards him on the beach to see Bint-Lee. It was also nice to see Bint-Lee freak the F out when Maci wanted to spend time with him and sent Ryan and Dalisczh out of the picture. Bint-Lee cries like a little Bint-Lee and just tells Maci to go away…over and over again. See even he’s sick of this B. It’s not just me. Before Maci gives him back to Ryan, Maci realizes that Bint-Lee pissed on her t-shirt…just like his father did to his and Maci’s relationship in season 1. I think that’s call symbolism but I don’t have the Cliff Notes to tell me that. So it’s basically just a guess.
In the end, Maci invites Ryan and his girlfriend to go out to “da club” with them which sounds like a horrific idea. I think the girlfriend actually seemed pretty nice and friendly but Maci made her seem like a giant douche to her friends. Sadly Ryan and his girlfriend decline the offer as they’re going to stay in for the night. I kinda believe that since we saw Ryan yawning earlier on the beach. Nappy time! However, the highlight of the entire Maci montage was when she and her friends ate at a restaurant called, “Dirty Dick’s Crabs.” Since this is taking place in Florida let’s just assume that this is the restaurant that Farrah finally opened up thanks to her 2 year Culinary Management associates degree.
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Teen Mom Episode Rating: 2 Different Ugly-Crying Farrah’s, 1 Jenelle Mug Shot (for sport), and 1 Trash Bag