Teen Mom Recap: I’m Dreaming of a White (Trash) Christmas

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Farrah – Apparently getting your “Pizza Making” 2 year degree deserves an endless celebration because Farrah’s dad is taking her out to brunch.  This, of course, requires him to have a little screwdriver with brunch basically to just get through it…kinda like what I have to do watching these trash heaps converse.  Farrah is filling in Michael on her big plans to move to California and get her bachelors degree in, you guessed it, Culinary Management!  Culinary Management is clearly the new “Pitocin” so every time you hear it you have to take a shot and scratch your privates with a shiny silver trash claw.  At least that’s how I plan on spending the next 4 Tuesday nights and, well I hope you do too.  As long as this doesn’t turn into scratch-n-sniff I think we’ll all be fine.   Moving on.  Michael tries to warn Farrah about how moving to LA without a job, money, or anyone to take care of Sophia is friggin bricks and Farrah reacts to him like he’s saying that she’s losing her trademark glow worm look.  Geesh.  By the way, did Farrah give Sophia doll bangs just like hers?  Why would she want to hurt a poor innocent child like baby Goo?

In typical Farrah fashion she has nothing better to do but to call up random people on the phone, roll her eyes, and sound like she’s better than them.  This time around she dials up a realtor in California because she sees a house in Santa Monica that she wants to rent.  Seriously, stay off the phone and the computer.  The last time she tried to make a large purchase out of state she bought a fake car for $5000 on Craigslist and, sadly, she didn’t even get killed.  It’s like, can’t you win at anything?  Anygravesdiseaseeyes, Farrah gives this realtor over the phone way too much information and at one point I think she said that she was looking for a “pretty school.”  But, clearly, it wasn’t just me who heard that because even the realtor was like, “what?!” and Farrah said it again, but this time she said “pre-school.” I found myself shouting at the TV, “You said pretty school you dumb b*tch.  I know it, you know, and the 12 stuffed animals around me having a tea party and wearing birthday hats know it!”

However, this move to California isn’t going to be all fun and games because she has to get through the gatekeeper first who is, of course, Debra.  Da da daaaaaa!  Debra.  Looks. Pissed.  Per usual she looks like a Who who just woke up on Christmas morning only to find all their toys and trinkets missing.  She demands to know why Farrah wants to move and I start sweating from my ass.  Um, you don’t tell Debra you want to move, you just sneak out in the middle of the night, run towards the electric fence, and pray to sweet baby Jesus and his teen mom Mary that Debra isn’t standing on a giant stone wall looking down at you with a loaded rifle and shoulder pads.  Anyway, Farrah answers with, “Because I want to move!”  Had there not been a camera crew there at the time I’m pretty sure I would be recapping Farrah’s obituary right now.  Farrah even sasses Debra back by saying that she wants to live in another state and not just stay in one place like “they” do.  Gulp!  My stomach started moving like when a sneaky little Shasta McNasty attack sneaks up on you and you have to book it to the bathroom.  However, Debra didn’t slap at Farrah but, instead, provided a little comic relief by saying, “We’re not nomads, Farrah, we can’t just meander around the United States.”  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it!  Sounds like someone is using their expensive Executive MBA vocab flash cards at night!  Ole!

Regardless of her family hating Farrah, they do end up watching Sophia for her and driving her to the airport so that she can “vacation” in LA for 2 days.  Since she’s just going for 2 days it only makes sense that she brings the largest piece of luggage that Samsonite makes.  Michael, being a pro at traveling with Debra, actually asks Farrah if she has any knives packed in there.  Brilliant.  I’m sure if she did he would have removed the knives and cut his own throat for having to live in this family of insanity.  Michael accidentally leaves Farrah’s luggage outside at the airport and Farrah makes sure to give him one last eye-roll before she boards the plane.  She then leaves baby Goo at security just like Michael left Farrah’s luggage….unattended! (RHONJ crossover reference!)

After looking at a few houses with some skank-bag realtor, Farrah decides to check out some random college that I believe was called “West LA Half-Ass U” or something of the sorts.  I’m still shocked that Farrah was looking at houses where the rent was $2,000 per month.  Finally someone is being real about the kind of money they make on this show.  Spreading at 16 is finally paying off…just like it says in the Bible, I believe.  I’m surprised Farrah didn’t like that one house that was permanently decorated like it was a luau in every room.  However, in the end, Farrah didn’t like the construction that was going on at the “college” and didn’t really like LA so she’s decided to not move there.  I’m glad she gave it a full 2 days to make a life altering decision.  Seriously, she spent more time contemplating having Derrick use a condom than she did this.  Oh well, see y’all in hell.

Amber – After 52 weeks Amber is finally almost all moved into her house, thanks to her “friend” Clinton (more on him later).  Amber is so proud of herself because she decorated Leah’s room with a princess theme.  Um, this basically consisted of a flammable princess blanket on her bed and one of those nylon dog mazes, that some people have, just sprawled out in the middle of her room.  She calls Krystle Meth to tell her all about it and says how psyched Leah is going to be when she sees it.  I think she’ll be more psyched to see walls without holes punched out in them, but I guess we’ll take even small miracles at this point. All this is taking place while Gary is talking to his MILF about still caring about Amber.  I couldn’t give two Shasta’s about their conversation because I was in complete shock and awe that his AERO/ZERO t-shirt was already blurred out by MTV.  Didn’t AERO just issue a statement last week that Gary must stop wearing their clothes?  They must have more power than I thought.  Apparently I have more power than I thought too (insert sidewards winky face with the letter “p” to be used as a tongue sticking out).  Also, fat bastard.

The social worker brings Leah back home to Amber’s new house and Amber gives Leah a tour of the house like it’s a white trash themed episode of Cribs.  I was waiting for Amber to jump 3 times in slow motion on her bed and then tell Leah, “This is where momma does her layin’ when she’s comin’ off the meth!”  But alas that doesn’t happen and Leah just decides to ride the horse instead.  Personally, I was thinking she thought it would actually get her out of there, but no dice.  After spending 14 minutes with her daughter we learn that Gary’s sex maniac mom will be watching her for the weekend so Amber is free to do whomever and whatever she pleases.  Timing must be right because the phone rings and it’s her high-school friend, Clinton, asking her out on a date.  Gross.  Clinton must love getting beatings because he’s picked the right girl for that.  Hope he also loves his sh*t being kicked down the stairs too because, well, Amber doesn’t disappoint.  Leah actually doesn’t want her going on this “date” unless it ends with “rape” and even takes a swing at Amber when she asks her if it’s ok for her to go out on a the date.  Hmm, I wonder where she learned to hit? Hittin’ from momma and carb-loadin’ from daddy! Yeeeee haw!

Amber keeps bringing up the date and Leah keeps giving her the side-eye but as soon as Gary’s mom comes to pick her up she’s like, “Feets don’t fail me now!” and books it the F out of there.  She literally just says “bye bye” and runs out the door.  I don’t think she even cared if she had shoes on for the snow outside, she just wanted out and she wanted out now.   Amber ends up going out with Clinton to a “restaurant” where he’s able to feed her with his rusty fork.  Hope they’re serving tetanus for dessert!  I love when “the poors” get extra dressed up to go to mediocre (at best) restaurants.  It’s like, it’s Cracker Barrel dude…a tie is not needed.  Also, get a dress-shirt that fits.  You’re not 17 anymore.  Oh wait.  We learn that Clinton has a 14-month old child already so he can really relate to Amber.  And since Amber is so good at raising one child, I’m sure 2 children will be a real breeze for this pro.   I’m sure no one will accidentally be falling out of the second floor window by pushing on the screen and making the local news.  No, not at all.  In the end, Clinton and Amber end up kissing at the table and I, per usual, close my laptop on my ding-dong so that I can never have feeling in it again.  Like a modern day Tyra Banks, I give up myself…for you.

Catelynn – It’s Christmas for the poors!  I love this time of year.  It’s mostly fun to just mute the TV and pause it every once in a while so you can catch a glimpse of some really tacky Christmas decorations.  It’s like the poors only bought their decorations in the mid 70’s and just stopped after that.  Anyjunk,  Carly is going to be 18-months old and so the adoption nosy-Nellie wants Tyler and Cate to write her a letter and send her Christmas gifts.  Oh, and they’re still harping on asking Carly to come to their graduation.  Uh, they know she can’t read yet, right?  Eh, doesn’t matter.  I’m sure Teresa and Brandon shred the letters as soon as they arrive to the house and then Purell their hands just from touching the envelope.

Like a girl after the Prom, we get teased big time because Butch has made it into the episode but only for about 2 minutes.  You see, Tyler and Butch are at Target and doing their Christmas shopping for Carly.  Butch, who’s dressed like a snowman wearing all sorts of flannel decides to buy her a toy plane and then says, “Well at least she can say her grandfather got something for her one year!”  He then chuckles it off and Tyler shakes his head in shame.  I love all of this.  I love how Butch knows he’s a garbage disposal.  Long live Butch!  And while he was there he should have asked to fill out an application.  I could totally see him working at the “Pizza Hut section” right by check out.  You know the area…right next to  the glass case of popcorn that makes your stomach turn every time you smell it when you’re paying for your crap?  Yeah, that one.

However, since Butch and April still can’t basically be in the same state as each other at the same time, Catelynn and April have to do their Christmas shopping separately.  They too are going to Target.   You know the PR team at Target is pissed after this episode and will probably issue a statement like AERO did with Gary and tell them to stop shopping at Target.  And, not for nothing, Target isn’t that cheap so stop trying to convince us you need to get a job to pay off your $60 phone bill but suddenly you can come home with bags of toys for Carly.  You’re not fooling anyone, you make good money from this show.  And good money to this crew can be like $10,000.  That alone would allow them to not get real jobs until half way through the 2000’s.  April ends up picking out some toy dog that she thinks you can hook up to the Internet and make it learn your name.  I’m not convinced April knows what the Internet is and I’m pretty sure she thinks it really means that you plug it into the wall and it doesn’t take batteries. Hopefully it can still take steak.  Nevertheless, April peaces out of her scene in about 60 seconds.  What a jip!  It’s like those episodes of Three’s Company when Suzanne Somers was in salary negotiations and they wouldn’t pay her what she wanted so they punished her by giving her one scene where she would just call Janet and Jack and tell them that she was visiting her sick aunt in the mountains (via split-screen) and then was eventually kicked off the show.  So, yeah, I feel that way about April.

All of a sudden out of left field we hear that Tyler’s mom, Kim, called Brandon and Teresa without them knowing and started to talk to them about going to Tyler’s graduation.  Creeeepy!  That doesn’t sound like the Kim I know and love and, well, it wasn’t captured on film so I don’t believe it.  I’m not sure why Teresa and Brandon freaked out over this call.  I would LOVE a surprise call from Kim.  Sometimes I pretend my phone rings and then I just answer it and go, “Oh hey Kim.  I’m good.  You?”  and then I pretend she tells me all the neato stuff she’s doing like curling her bangs, adding fresh shoulder pads to her blazers, and practicing bugging out her eyes during fake scenarios when she looks in the bathroom mirror.  Kim ends up coming over to Tyler and Cate’s apartment to drop off Christmas presents for Carly and provide us with a little ugly cry over the fact that she called Teresa and Brandon without them knowing.  It was more of a “sweet cry” than an “ugly cry” as we typically leave all ugly crying to Farrah.  She’s upset that she messed things up for Catelynn and Tyler and that’s why she’s so sad.   Poor Kim.  Double chin up, Kim!  No one is mad.  She just says she wants to have a relationship with Carly and doesn’t want to have to go through Cate and Tyler who have to go through the adoption lady who has to contact Teresa and Brandon who will relay a message to Carly.  Phew!  I’m sorry, but did no one get the memo that Carly isn’t just at sleep-away camp and legally belongs to another family now?  The end.

Maci – Ugh, again with this one.  Week after week all her scenes make me want to play murder-suicide with myself.  Also, I want a Bint-Lee bobblehead.  I should just end with that because there’s nothing else worth saying.  Fine, I’ll do it.  Since Maci dropped all of her classes again she has more free time to spend with Bint-Lee (according to her) so she decides to drop him off at daycare so he can start playing with other kids and, you know, other people can start taking care of him.  Bint-Lee is freaking the F out having to interact with these other kids and everyone looks surprised when the giant beast of a woman with a porcupine on her head can’t seem to calm him down and comfort him. As Bint-Lee tries to kick the door down to bust the F out of there all the other kids are looking at him like, “Uh, who’s the diva with the camera crew?!”

The remainder of the episode consists of Maci trying to convince everyone under the sun that she wants to have another baby with Kyle right now.  Apparently she wants the next one to look like one of the polar bears on the Christmas Coke cans so she feels like Kyle is her best bet.  Even her friends think she’s a goon for wanting this and her one friend looks like she’s about to cut out her vagina and other lady parts and staple them to restaurant wall during their conversation.  Since 19yr old Maci thinks it’s a great idea to have another baby and not be married and insists on talking about it for 25 minutes then I insist in lieu of the remainder of this recap you all go to “itsyoursexlife.org” to learn more about how to not make bad decisions like our multi-color hair friend, Maci.

Episode Rating: 2 Stylish April’s, 1 yawning Ryan, and 1 Puffy Leather Couch That Amber Will Freak On:

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