Teen Mom Recap: I Mean, Amber is Basically Cured

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As promised here is the recap of the second crapisode of Teen Mom.  Per usual, the most interesting person in this episode is Amber because, well, watching anyone have a breakdown is quite the treat for both the eyes and ears.  If you like this recrap, don’t forget to click on the “Recommend” button that I scattered all over this b*tch so that it can be shared with your d-bag Facebook friends!  Speaking of, feel free to join me on my own Facebook page where the conversation continues.  It’s like the aftershow except it isn’t at all.

Amber  – The good news is that Amber didn’t kill herself, for those of you who were concerned.  The bad news is that we weren’t able to see Gary actually call 911, but we were able to listen to his Type II Diabetes voice via “the phone” all whilst we stared at a black screen like we were watching the difficult parts of Fahrenheit 911.  It was interesting that Gary didn’t really seem worked up at all during the call.  It was like he  called to place an order and was like, “Yeah, I’d like to place an order.  Delivery.  Can I have the right side of the menu?  Also can you send an ambulance because my girlfriend, in which whom is televisions Amber Portwood (applause, applause), is going to use the rope that I normal use as a belt to hang herself.  Oh, and fries too.  How long will that be?”  End scene.  Thank you, thank you.  Apparently Amber was going to meet Farrah’s boyfriend in Heaven.  I’m joking.  She will clearly end up in hell.  As will I.  Since Amber can’t really commit to anything, she ended up being sent to lock-down for 72 hours and then was shipped off (as punishment) to sunny Malibu to enter rehab…on the beach.  I mean, I’d try to kill myself to vacation in Hoboken at this point.  Hey-oh!

Whilst at “the ‘hab” Amber is talking to one of her therapists who is looking at Amber like crazy is about to take over.  Amber almost tries to force the tears, but then slows it down to the point where the therapist (who is a woman) says, “Amber.  I’m going to try something.”  And then she sits next to her and starts to place her hand directly on Ambjikistan’s FUPA.  I’m sure the stretched out tattoo of Leah on Amby-pant’s stomach was squealing with delight.  I was like, Ohhhh Amber is going to second on camera!  I high-fived myself because I was sure this would lead to Amber doing her “sexy-dance” but sadly it wasn’t.  Although I’m sure she’ll have to point on the doll to her next therapist where this chick inappropriately touched her.  Either way this therapist really got me to thinking of making FUPA Puppets so, obviously, I’m going to be busy over the next few weeks, you know, in the lab and whatnot.

You know who’s sick of Amber, by the way?  Leah.  I know.  That chick is like side-eye after side-eye after eye roll every time Amber calls…especially this time.  Amber just wants to talk to Leah since she is unable to parent her due to a little ropey-poo incident and Leah keeps screaming “no” into the phone and trying to rip it out of Gary’s hand.  I’m pretty sure at one point I heard Lead yell, “F that B, you P!”  In this case the  “P” means “pig.”  You can decode the rest.  I’m surprised how well Leah can speak.  I’m also surprised that being raised by Gary she also doesn’t have to be lifted via  crane from her bed.  Small miracles, big parents.  Sidenote, that will totally be the name of a reality show some day.  Later, Amber is back talking to a different doctor but this time she’s on a large puffy leather black couch, but the kind “the rich” have an not “the poors.”  It was more like a Mr. Drummond/Edward Stratton type of couch.  It could possibly have also been the couch on Benson but to be quite honest I’d have to research.  Anypinknails, Amber may or may not be in the process of detoxing and/or in the middle of a “trip” because when the doctor asks her to close her eyes and think of her parents, she keeps her eyes open and starts talking really slowly and saying one word at a time.  She was one frown away from saying, “I see dead people.”  Apparently Amber’s parents were real crap bags while she was growing up and use to fight all the time in front of Amby-pants and her brother whilst they just cried and begged the yelling to stop.  I’m glad Amber broke that cycle of yelling.  Phew!  Just sidestepped that landmine!

You know what never makes sense?  Amber, who is in rehab also for anger management, joining a kickboxing class while in “the ‘hab.”  Nothing makes angry people calm down like kicking the crap out of strangers while wearing Old Navy Performance Fleece pajama pants.  Those must smell like the basement of a church and a classic Pizzone.  Amber is afraid that Leah will end up forgetting her and that makes her sad.  There’s no way Leah will forget her.  First off, she’ll be able rent all the seasons on DVD.  Second, I’m sure she’ll have enough emotional scarring that she’ll be able to tie that directly back to  “momma.”  In the end, Amber seems to be doing a bit better now that she’s detoxing and has some adjusted meds.  In fact, this time around Leah will talk to her and she says she loves her and misses her the most.  Please.  She’s 2 yrs old.  She probably thought Elmo was on the other end of the line.  Either way, Amber’s counselor is going to fly out Gary (two seats) and Leah for a visit and some intensive therapy.  Hopefully diet and exercise will be added to the mix as well.

Farrah – Within the first few seconds Debra is already talking super creepy to Sophia.  At one point she tells Sophia how she’s never going to see her again because she’s leaving and then she asks Sophia if she’ll miss grandma and Sophia simply replies with “no!”  Had the pacifier not been in her mouth at the time she probably would have said, “B*tch, no!”  Shortly after, Farrah starts barking out orders to Debra and Michael about how this move is going to go.  Once they start to question her she just immediately tells Michael that he’ll pack up the U-Haul and drive it to Florida and she’ll meet him there in a few days to help, but he should start unpacking.  She is such a treat.  I have no clue why they’re trying so hard to keep her there.  I mean, I know why Debra allegedly smacked the sh*t out of her a couple of seasons ago.  I’m surprised Farrah has made it to the age she is.  She probably only got braces so that they cut up Debra’s fists-of-fury.

The packing process is as fun as you could image and Farrah handles it all with dignity and grace.  I was relieved to see the puffy leather couch being dissected and tossed in Michael’s You-Haul.  Michael has the look on his face like he’d be happy to walk her stuff to Florida if he could just leave now.  Once he drives away he smashes into the no-parking sign and then drives off.  I’m sure he was hoping it would crash through his window and cut his head off…anything to get away from Farrah and her mother.  After Michael leaves, Debra decides to have a “girls night out” and takes Farrah and Sophia for dinner at a place where I’m almost certain they’re eating outside in the parking lot.  Fancy.  Sophia is losing her sh*t because she’s stuck at the table with these two and Debra decides to order a bottle of the Farrah wine, which she thinks is the best thing she’s ever heard in her life.  I’m sure it’s bitter and cold just like her daughter.  See what I did there?  I’m not sure how many glasses Debra had, but she was pretty slurry towards the end and told the waiter the wine tasted like vinegar.  I mean, you’re basically eating in the parking lot of a TGI Fridays.  What did you expect!?

In the end, Farrah decides to take Sophia for one last trip to the cemetery so they can visit Sophia’s daddy.  Graveyards are such a blast to play in.  Kids love it!  Farrah, of course, is crying and talking to herself/the camera and letting Derrick know that she wishes he was still alive so she didn’t have to be a parent by herself and they could get married.  I say do it via a Ouija Board!  Is is just me or didn’t she hate him and fight with him all the time before he died?  Not saying anything, but just saying.  And, not for nothing, but 50% of marriages end in divorce and I’m sure Dr. Drew could spew out a statistic that like 80% of teen moms don’t end up getting married to the baby daddy.  He would, of course, say it whilst sporting a t-shirt, sports coat, and Mr Potato Head hair.

Catelynn – It’s the big episode where Cate and Tyler Perry finally get to have their visit with sweet baby iCarly in quiet and subdued New York City.  I find it shocking that Brandon and Teresa didn’t want to go to Michigan and stay with Cate and Ty in their trailer.  Think of the fun that iCarly would have had picking the bugs off her body and crawling away from a wide variety of mice.  It would have been like a Disney movie for “the poors.”  To my surprise they actually ended up staying in a decent hotel in the city.  I was figuring they would have been at the Lincoln Motel just outside of JFK.  If you’re from the area you know what I mean.  If you’re not from the area, the Lincoln Motel is where President Lincoln was strangled to death whilst watching the play Rock of Ages.  It’s in your history book, trust me.

These two childless parents just want to get their first night over with so that they can wake up and have breakfast with the whole adoption gang.  I’m actually excited as well because the last time they got to meet iCarly in the park was pretty emotional and when I’m ready to rope myself (a la Amber) from watching this crap sometimes I like tears to be involved.  I wonder if she’ll play with Catelynn’s face piercing or if she knows enough words to ask Tyler if he knows he’s a white man?  Either way I say bring on the footage!  Oh.  Wait.  That’s right.  This episode is sans footage.  I can’t figure out what the deal was.  There is a crazy long picture montage of their “reunion” with Brandon, Teresa, and baby iCarly.  They didn’t film it, but they did allow a photographer to be present?  What gives!?  What was even more strange was that when the camera was rolling it was only on Cate and Ty-ra Banks, but you’d never actually see anyone from the adoption gang in a scene.  I really think this was a missed opportunity for Cate and Steven Tyler.  When Catelynn was holding iCarly she should have tossed a Hail Mary pass to Tyler and then Tyler would have caught iCarly, hopped on the E Train, jumped off at JFK, and headed back to their trailer with their daughter.  I’m pretty sure that’s what an open adoption is all about anyway.

In the end, we only got to witness about 8 minutes of snapshots and bad soundtracks until they finally said goodbye to them and sat on someones front stairs and cried.  At one point Ty said, “I wanted her to be calling me daddy.”  That sounded sexual and gross.  I’m sure Ty will be able to call someone else daddy one day and he’ll finally get his wish.  On a lighter note, Catelynn sported a bright yellow J. Lo jumper for this reunion.  Had their been a stronger wind and better camera angles we would have been guaranteed some cameltoe.  I bet that’s where she stores her retainer.  Just a guess.

Maci – Hey y’all it’s Maci!  Is it just me or is Maci a complete snooze this year?  And by “this year” I really mean “every year.”  She’s trying to spend some time teaching Bint-Lee to ride his bike in the middle of the street, but he’s apparently a quitter and doesn’t want to actually have to do the pedaling himself so he jumps off his bike and walks it over to Maci.  Good luck with this one.  Maci’s is going to be out of town for a few days evidently going to some school to teach girls how to “dodge the dick” until they’re old enough to have a baby.  So obviously, 17.  Someone left a comment on this here crap blog yesterday stating that Maci seemed to have come back from that “conference” with a bigger rack and I was on the lookout.  That seems accurate and I applaud you and you perverted ways.

We were lucky enough to see Ryan in this episode, but it was quickly a letdown when he didn’t yawn once for the camera while he was out eating with his friends.  The only saving grace was that he had one friend who kept blinking and freaking out on the regular.  I don’t like watching people like that because I’m almost positive you can catch whatever they have just by looking at that via “the television.”  We do learn, however, that Ryan doesn’t have a job anymore because he’s going back to school for “Applied Technical Science.”  I have no idea what that is and I don’t think Ryan does either.  Is that just a fancy name for “Refrigerator and VCR repair?”  Remember when Sally Struthers used to be the spokesperson for those commercials?  I used to laugh every time when she would say, “…or get a degree in gun repair!”  Sure, why not.  Sign me up.

In the end, Maci and Kyle get into a fight about albino relationships and Kyle calls Maci an idiot.  This causes her to kick him out of the house and instructs him to go to his mothers house, which is 2 hours away.  He obeys like a good cartoon albino bulldog does.  I’m sure a treat was waiting for him in Nashville.  Maci is sure to manipulate Kyle by using her own son, Bint-Lee, to call him up and leave him a message about coming back home and how he misses him.  If I thought for one second Kyle knew how to get into his voicemail to listen to that message I would have thought Maci’s plan was a good one.   After Maci comes back from her “conference” with a fuller chest she and Kyle decide to talk things out.  The new maroon streaks in her hair never came up during their conversation, which really was a shame.  I feel like someone needs to tell her that Avril Lavigne isn’t happening anymore…so, stop it.

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If you missed my last Teen Mom Recap, click here to catch up on all the craziness.

Teen Mom Episode Rating: One Puffy Leather Couch, One Bag of Trash, and Two Missing April’s

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