Teen Mom Recap: “Guess What, B*tch? This is MY House!”

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  • Amber – Oh Amber.  Amber, Amber, Amber.  Amber and her friend, who I believe is also a “teenage mother” are out at the park pushing their kids on the swings and chit-chattin’ about deep world issues.  I’m kidding.  They’re talking about how Gary may end up living in his van since he doesn’t have anywhere else to go and no one will take him in.  Living in his van?  Come on.  He literally is wedged in between the steering wheel and the drivers seat with little room to move.  In fact, I believe a seat belt is not even required.  Amber, who’s turned herself into a karate-kicking Bratz doll is now teaching her friend some of her cool fighting moves.  I have a feeling we’ll be seeing these moves later in the episode.  It’s called foreshadowing, kids.  Later, Gary’s mom and his stepdad/brother were watching Leah and so now they’re dropping her off back at Amber’s insane asylum.  Gary’s mom and stepdad are wearing exactly what you would expect them to be wearing:  USA t-shirt with waving flag, jean shorts, and a pink srunchie.  A traditional WT uniform, if you will.  They are kind enough to bring over some new crib sheets for Leah since she is basically sleeping on some newspapers taped down to her mattress and Amber, apparently, takes this as a declaration of jihad.  Once Gary comes “home” he catches the wrath of what his mom did and perhaps the best fight of the entire season breaks out between Amber and Gar.  Somehow through the grace of sweet baby Jesus Claus, Gary becomes the voice of reason and tells Amber that he’s going to call DSS on her.  He even tells her that she needs to start taking her medication again.  Ruh-roh.  Somehow Amber turns into Chris Tucker and kicks Gary out of the house by saying, “Guess what bitch?  This is MY house!”  Gary tosses in his threat again of calling DSS.  Well, assuming DSS owns a television I believe Season 2 of Teen Mom will be Exhibit A.  Finally, he grabs Leah and says that he’s taking her away from Amber “forever.”  When he said “forever” they should have added an echo sound effect.  “I’m taking her away…forever ever ever ever ever.”  This is great!  This is like the shiz that used to go down between LC and J-Wahl behind the scenes that MTV would never air.  After Gary leaves Amber invites some friends over so she can vent and she confesses that she feels bad for calling him a “fatass.”  Later, once Gary comes back to Amber’s House of Horror, Amber is busy cleaning out the apartment with all of Gary’s stuff. She must be making some extra room so she can practice her “sexy dancing.”  Well, Gar has come back just in time to get his arse beat once more.  Amber ends up punching him in the face, tries to knock his TV down the stairs (which I thought he took before), calls him a fatass again, slaps the sunglasses off his face, calls him “trash” (I mean, it’s like “Pot, Kettle…oh you both know each other already?”), and then she tells him to watch his back (which he does not) so she kicks it while he walks down the stairs. So none of this can be legal, right?  By the way, MTV couldn’t stop running “If you or someone you know has been victim of domestic violence” ads every commercial break.  Thanks Amb!
  • Farrah – So Farrah finally got a new car.  I’m guessing that’s 3 cars in 1 year?  No wonder she’s having money problems.  It’s like, stop buying automobiles on Craigslist.  She ends up heading back to her lawyer, who hates her, and to no surprise he’s still wearing a t-shirt even though he knows he’s going to be on camera.  This time, however, his t-shirt sleeves are short enough to show to matching arm tattoos.  The defense rests.  April should go to this guy.  I’m sure she’d at least be able to afford him.  Lawyer JingleJangle decides to give Sophia’s baby daddy sister (Kassy) a call to see if she’s going to take her lazy arse to the DNA store.  She explains that she wanted to take some time to research this “law” and make sure that Sophia gets all the money and that none of it goes to sh*t-bag Farrah.  She also decides that she will take the DNA test and that she wants to meet baby Sophia for the first time…oh, and be on national television too.  Debra better shine up the trash claw because she may have some new competition!  And she seems totally pissed that the sister was dragging her feet taking this DNA test.  So when Debra gets brought up on attempted murder charges and they make a Lifetime movie about her, I really hope Meredith Baxter-Birney gets to play her.  I’ll start the letter-writing campaign to congress.  Done and done.  Later Kassy calls Farrah and is all freaked out about meeting Sophia…she’ll be even more freaked out when she finds Debra hiding in the bushes with a sniper rifle.  She does, however, end up meeting up with Farrah and Sophia under some random bridge like they’re a bunch of trolls.  She brings Sophia a book of her dead father and, well, this a serious part of the episode so I’ll just move on.  At the end of their day they all go to the DNA store together just like they all used to dream about when they were little girls wondering what it would be like to become a mom one day.  After that was over, Debra calls Farrah to see how everything went and Farrah breaks down saying that she’s never met anyone else that she  felt so strongly about like Sohpia’s dad and Debra lets her know that “God will make a place for you with someone wonderful.”  I’m sure she ended that with “…and if He doesn’t, I will take my butcher knife and hunt a man down for you and bring him home to you via my trash claw.”  In the end she ends up meeting up with Margaret Cho, whom I thought was busy with Dancing With the Stars but apparently not, and she ends up crying all over again.  Poor Farrah.  She needs some more of “the therapy” and perhaps she can borrow some of Amber’s meds that she’s not taking.
  • Maci – Well Maci is officially in her new place in Nashville and she’s busy cooking chicken and rice for Bint-Lee and Kyle.  We learn that somehow Maci doesn’t know what an Ethiopian is, which is ironic since they really share the same forehead.  While Maci is cooking, Kyle is bummed that there is no leftover pizza and says, “I could have eaten it for days!”  Funny, I think Ryan said the same exact thing seconds before Maci got knocked up.  Hey-oh!  Later one of Maci’s friends comes over to bad mouth Ryan a little bit in front of Bint-Lee and Maci decides that she doesn’t want to be enemies with Ryan.  Therefore she straps Bint into his car-seat and does a little sneak attack on Ryan by bringing Bint-Lee over to his house so that he can sit in Ryan’s truck for 10 minutes and they can talk about the new legal word they’ve learned called “mediation.”  In the end, they end up breaking out the calendar and marking off who gets Bint-Lee when for the next 18 years, I believe.  They actually came to an agreement and acted like adults the whole time.  They should have unprotected sex one more time…you know, to celebrate.  Sidenote, I miss Maci’s two-tone car.
  • Catelynn – The adoption lady is meeting up with Catelynn and Tyler at some random bar (yes bar) so that she can show pictures of Carly at 12-months old.   She seems like a real nice lady, until she brings up April being a drunk and Catelynn’s grades suffering because of it.  It’s like relax lady, she already has a mom…you can’t adopt her.  As a sidenote, after this first scene Catelynn and Tyler weren’t in this episode again until almost 35 minutes later, which means I guess we can pretty much kiss our dream of “April and Butch scenes” goodbye for this week.  How sad for me.  Later they end up going to visit a community college and to meet with an adviser.  Here we learn that Catelynn wants to be an Ultrasound Tech and Tyler wants to become an EMT for now and then eventually a Psychiatrist.  Um ok.  Seems like the next natural step after EMT.  Why can’t Tyler just become Butch’s manager and call it a day?  I actually got sad when Catelynn said that she was definitely going to college because she was going to make a better life for herself. This really is her only way out and she knows that.  I’m really pulling for her and I think she can do it.  Oh, and if for some reason it doesn’t work out I’m sure this little thing called “a TV show” and getting paid for covers of “People Magazine” and “Us Weekly”  will help support her for a while until she gets a spin-off show with Butch and April and then she starts making Jersey Shore money.  Unfortunately we later find out that Catelynn and Tyler won’t be graduating on time with the rest of their class because they’re pretty much a semester behind.  More importantly they’re eating ice-cream outside at a picnic table with some friends when this discussion takes place and one of their friends is sitting there wearing jeans and a bikini top like she’s a backup dancer from the MC Hammer “Can’t Touch This” video.  Yes!  April! Is! Back!  Who cares that there’s only 10 minutes left of the episode?  10 minutes of April is better than no minutes of April, right?  April is, of course, wearing her “I’m not short I’m fun sized” t-shirt again or her “work shirt” as I’m sure she calls it. Catelynn gets her grades mailed to her and April seems indifferent that she’s getting C’s and D’s in her classes.  April does, however, ask Catelynn what she thought she would have gotten for grades.  Um yeah.  Isn’t that something you ask in the middle of the semester and not after the semester is over?!  Way to be involved, April.  In the most awkward moment of the episode, Catelynn tells her mom that she doesn’t want to be a loser who doesn’t graduate and says “oh no, no like you” to April as she kind of slaps her in the head.  Like there ever was any doubt that April didn’t finish high-school.  See?  Now that would be a great spin-off.  “April Goes Back to School.”  Please MTV, make this for me.  In the end, Tyler and Cate go to graduation to sit and support their friends.  Poor kids.  I don’t think Catelynn could have graduated with braces anyway.  I believe it’s a law.  Also, is it wrong that I’m more excited to see Catelynn get her braces off than actually see her graduate?  Join Me on Facebook!
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