Teen Mom Recap: Fat Shaming and Busted Knuckles and Tomato Sauce Sales…Oh My!

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You know who has a loving aura around her?  Farrah.  Between her sweet-as-pie face and the way she honors her mother on a regular basis, well, I hope we all have 10 kids just like her.  She’s like the “I’d Like to Buy the World a Coke” commercial of our generation (#MadMen).  I’m kidding.  As you know, of course, she is one of the most horrific people in society today.  “Horrific” which I believe is Latin for “A terrific whore.”  Even Hitler would be like, “Baby, tone it down.”  For some reason I feel like Hitler would talk like the grandmother from Family Matters.  History is fun!

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This week Farrah decides to film about 3 minutes with her daughter, Baby Goop.  Apparently she think it makes sense to have a photo shoot where her daughter dresses up like Honey Boo Boo all whilst she throws gold glitter up in the air as an attempt to make her homelife more beautiful. As if that were possible.  Why Farrah was spending money on a toddler-sized prom dress and not on mouth reconstruction was beyond me.  And I know, I know, I’m going to get crap for commenting on Goop’s teeth, but they’re an issue and if I were her I’d be like, “No photoshoot until I’ve been sucking on an Invisalign for at least 6-months.

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The rest of Farrah’s scenes consist of the blossoming relationship between she and her mom.  Debra is looking shiny and like she has a new purpose in life, which she does because she’s desperately trying to go into business with Farrah.  What business, you ask?  Oh, well she’s selling tomato sauce, but of course!  Because when I think of a wholesome Italian noni “a-makin’-the-sauce” I, of course, think of Debra.  If she doesn’t use her court-appointed trash-claw to stir that sauce it really is a missed opportunity.  In that matter, why doesn’t she just sell autographed trash-claws and call it a day?  Hell, I’d be good for purchasing at least 72,000 units.  I’d then file Chapter 11 and rebuild my life shortly thereafter.  See?  I have a sensible strategy.

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Honestly, the regular exchanges between Farrah and Debra are so terrible that I almost can’t believe MTV even allows it to air.  I want to see the raw footage (and I ain’t talkin’ ’bout “Back Door Farrah”) just to see if it literally is Farrah just yelling at her mom over every single question she asks.

Debra: “What a beautiful day it is today, huh Farrah?”

Farrah: “Uh, yeah mom it is.  You don’t need to say it and make a big deal out of it.  So if you say it again I’m f**king done talking to you and I’ll just drive home and you can go back to Seattle.”

End scene.

You know when you just read Farrah’s part you totally did her voice in your head.  And that, my friends, is how I write a play! You’re welcome America!  Anyway, Debra and Farrah head to a convention to try to get dirt bags to invest in their sauce but Farrah no longer wants anything to do with it because there is no contract in place that protects Farrah’s assets (giggity) and it’s taken Debra 2 years to even get the sauce to this point.  I mean, in Debra’s defense she was picking up trash on the side of the highway with a murderous chain-gang for almost all that time so cut her some slack.  Also, cut her some hair because it’s too long for a woman of her age.  I want to see a mom perm and I want to see it now.  In the end, I was waiting for Farrah to hit her mom in the car just like her mom hit her all those years ago.  Was anyone else picking up on that “full circle” moment?  I guess I’m deeper than y’all.  But clearly you knew that through my award winning writing (my parents gave me an award for this).  Oh, and then they went out for Michael’s birthday so they could all yell at each other in a restaurant and Baby Goop could fall asleep at the table dreaming that she was Carly and living with Brandon and Teresa.  I assume.   I know I would be.

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Meanwhile, I mean WTF is up with Amber and Sully from Southie?!  These two headed off to Vegas to celebrate Amber no longer being on probation (I think, right?) and you totally know they’re going to do all the worst touristy things and probably buy a set of shot glasses from Planet Hollywood, The Hard Rock Cafe, Red Lobster, and Senior Frogs.  You just know it!  Anyway, in her voiceover, Amber says that whilst she’s still sober from drugs she does have a drink once in a while.  Literally when I heard that, out loud, I just shouted “Oh Jesus here we go!”  Something tells me a sip of wine is going to eventually turn into Ambjikistan snorting a line of meth off of Gary’s D-cup.  Also, do you snort meth?  I have no idea.  I should start watching Intervention again so I can learn these things.  You know, tips and tricks.  That sort of thing.

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Amber and Sully are, of course, going to dinner at some tragically themed doo wop diner in Vegas and they both order drinks.  I gulped when Amber took her first sip.  She was like, “Wait is this a virgin?”  I was waiting for Gary to crash through the wall like the Kool Aid man and say, “Did somebody say….virgin?  Oh YEAH!”  Alas that never happened.  What did happen, however, is Amber having an absolute meltdown over the fact that everyone in the diner was staring at them.  She was getting pissed and kept saying that her anxiety was making her freak out.  She dropped a lot of “Dude, I’m ’bout to leave, dude.”  And that’s when you know things are taking a turn.  The next thing you know, for reasons that are NEVER explained, Amber and Sully are sitting in the back of an empty mini van.  No joke, they’re in the back and NO ONE is in the front seat.  Like, where the hell are they going?  Are they squatters now?  They’re like, “We live here now” to the family of 6 who will be walking in about 5 minutes from now.

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Things take a turn for the worse when Sully tells Amber that she’s never like this (a bitch) when the cameras aren’t around, but as soon as they start filming she changes for the camera.  Welp.  That set Amber off and a verbal fight takes place.  “Hooray!” shouted the people living in my head.  Sully better be careful the way he’s talking to Amber because if she up and leaves him he’s going to have to go back to Boston, where I assume he was a homeless person working on the Matty in the Morning show on Kiss 108 FM.  Shout out to all my Boston peeps!  Do people still say “peeps,” I mean, outside of the Easter season?

Later the cameras go off and during that time apparently the fight escalated so much that Sully punched a wall and now his hand is all jacked up.  So Amber calls the producers and they come back to start filming. I was like, uh you meant to call the police….the police….not the producers.  Both words start with “p” so I can understand the mistake.  They’re both sitting on their bed (shocking) and the camera keeps closing up on Sully’s hand, which is all mangled.  Did I mention that during this whole ordeal Amber is wearing prison stripes?  For real.  Go back and look at the main image at the beginning of this recap.  I was just waiting for a white fan to pick her up and be like, “Ok, get in, you’re going back.” Sully explains away his punching of the wall by saying he had way to much to drink.  I call bullshit because anyone from Boston knows that the drunker you get the worse your accent gets and Sully sounds exactly the same to me throughout the entire episode.  And by that I mean, totally unintelligible.  BONUS WORD!

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By the end these two decide to try to enjoy the rest of their National Lampoon’s White Trash Vegas Vacation and so they decide to go to a psychic.  I can’t.  For some reason the psychic had an assistant who was some dude who was almost sorta dressed like a movie usher and they were both like, “Why don’t you tell us all about your relationship first.”  Uh, yeah that seems legit.  They both say how much they love each other, but they fight sometimes and blah.  So the reading is as insane as you could imagine.  For real, they go (as they’re flipping over cards) “I see you could get married…or not at all.  On one hand you’re in love, but on the other hand this may not work.”  I’m paraphrasing, but I decided to still use quotes because, well, this is my site and I write the rules.  I hope they got that reading for free and I hope these psychics are still there by the time I get out to Vegas!

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While all of this is going on, back in the back woods of Mississippi (I assume) where Catelynn and Tyler live Catelynn gets fat-shamed on national television for one full hour.  For real, her entire episode was about how she needs to lose more weight so she can fit into her trash bag wedding dress in just 8 months.  Apparently she gained a sh*t ton of weight during her pregnancy (as ya do) and it’s just taking some time to lose it.  The good news is that she lost 20 pounds in two months.  The bad news is that she’s still 180 pounds and, well, Tyler is 80 pounds.  She basically needs to lose one entire Tyler (or any standard white rapper) in order to get into that wedding dress and have Tyler love her again.

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It really is a shame how much pressure everyone is putting on her because of her weight.  I mean, she wasn’t willing to eat healthy even after she caught da ‘betes when she was pregnant so what makes you think she’s going to start up now?  Suddenly, however, Cate starts talking an awful lot about Weight Watchers and I was like, “Ohhhhhhh she’s trying to get an endorsement!”  For real, that’s what I think.  In other news, I’m a loser.  Part of me thinks it’s a really smart move and then the other part of me thinks it’s too late but that Weight Watchers may toss her a couple hundred thousand to stop referencing their program on national television.

Later, Cate and April (drink!)  head out to see how Cate’s wedding dress is fitting these days and, well, the outcome is not good.  Also not good?  Us having to witness Catelynn in her bra.  It’s like where’s that MTV disclaimer when you need it?!  I’m talking about the domestic violence one because my eyes have just been assaulted.  Either way, to no surprise her dress does not fit and once again Catelynn has been shamed on TV.  It gets worse when she gets home to tell Tyler and he just suggests that she “add sleeves” to her dress.   How about she just dye the entire dress black so she looks like Missy Elliot from the “I Can’t Stand the Rain” music video.  Anyone?  The hell with ya.

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In the end, Cate decides to start counting her points on Weight Watchers even as Tyler, her dad, his girlfriend, and some other random kid sit around the table and basically have a fat intervention or a “fintervention” as I’d like it to be called.  Cate’s dad’s girlfriend just goes, “You need to stick to 1200 calories a day.”  Uh, oh ok thanks for the tip.  But I’m pretty sure Cate’s morning McDonald’s snack is 34oo calories so that idea is out the trailer window.  I say, good for Cate.  Count your points and stay true to who you are.  You just had a baby so take it easy.  You’ll drop the weight and if not there’s a plethora of other reality shows where you can lose weight right on TV.  Team up with Gar Bear.  You two could make TV magic together.

P.S., wash your face.

God is Love,
Rev Run

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