Teen Mom Recap: Maybe Ryan Can Work at Farrah’s Frozen Yogurt Shop and Be the Mascot!

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Another week, another recap of all things Teen Mom.  Be sure to share this on Facebook with all your trash bag friends!

Farrah – Apparently Farrah has sold out of all of her sex toys so it only makes sense that she set sail on her next business venture…opening up a frozen yogurt shop.  I know, I guessed it too.  Farrah is probably the happiest we’ve ever seen her as she’s talking to Debra about opening up the store and showing off her stuffed animals she’ll be selling there.  I mean, she didn’t even make Debra (or me) flinch once!  Such progress.  Also, what the heck was she calling that frozen yogurt mascot thing?  Was it coopa-hooka?  Cuppo-huppo?  I’m not kidding, I hit rewind 15 times and finally just gave up trying to understand as I assumed I was just having a stroke.  Either way, she’s excited and decided she may be the mascot and hold her own ‘Undercover Boss’ which, to be honest, I would totally watch and recap.  I do have my favorite Undercover Boss episodes (Donatos, Popeyes, Gigi’s Swirl, Philly Pretzel Company, Modell’s, Cinnabon…the list is endless) so this could be one of them too!

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It’s such a treat that Farrah officially owns that frozen yogurt shop she’s always dreamed of as a young child!  And look how much fun she’s having!  She’s wearing real ‘zany’ sunglasses mixed with a grey blazer.  Fro-yo sure is a real hoot! Luckily Debra and Michael are there to burst Farrah’s slimy-glow-worm-like bubble.  You see, Debra is an expert on freezer temperatures, but apparently she’s not really sure the difference between a refrigerator and a freezer and neither is Michael. Someone evidently set the temperature to the wrong degree and Farrah is confusing that minor issue with thinking one of her parents just pushed the nuclear bomb button and we’re all about the get wiped off the face of the earth. Per usual, Farrah ends up berating both of her parents for being complete fro-yo temperature morons.   I tell ya, if Trump becomes President and ends up sending Hillary to jail he should then take that same misplaced anger and throw Debra and Michael into solitary confinement for life.  Moreover, after Debra beat the old face off of Farrah that one time years ago on Teen Mom and then had to pick up garbage on the side of the road with a trash claw and a lime green reflector vest (you remember the time) wasn’t there some restraining order that stated that Farrah and Debra could never be in a kitchen together at the same time for the rest of their lives?  There should have been.  Eh, at least Michael yelled back at Farrah…as he walked out of the kitchen.  Oh, P.S., frozen yogurt is dumb. Oh and P.P.S, click here to follow me on my Facebook page.  It really helps me sell-out.  But you knew that.


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Later Farrah starts the interview process which, I’m not kidding, I think was totally illegal.  First off she wore those ridic sunglasses and made the girl who was there for the interview wear them too.  She then “complimented” her by saying “You actually look good in those” like the poor girl was a rusted out dumpster in shoes.  I scratched my head when Farrah told her she would need her to work 40 hours and informed the girl she could do that in 3 days.  They both just said “ok” to each other over and over again all whilst Debra lurked from the background wearing the same sunglasses.  Next thing you know another girl comes for an interview and Farrah legit asks her how old she is, does she live with her parents, and basically who she sleeps with at night and what her religion is.  See you on Judge Judy!  Finally one last girl came in who used to work for the old owners and Farrah hired her on the spot and told her she didn’t really need an hour to open the store and that she should be able to do it in 5-15 minutes.  It’s going to take the girl 5-15 minutes just to make it into the back kitchen if she’s forced to wear those sunglasses!

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Later, after Michael dresses as the mascot and just waves on the side of the highway saying “Hello, hello, hello” over and over again (and Baby Goop is dressed as “Swirl”) Debra, Farrah and Goop go out for dinner where Farrah legit orders her 3 meals off the kids menu and…wait for it…no one yells at each other!  I miss it already.  I kinda wish that Baby Goop was still dressed like Swirl at dinner.  But, to be honest, I wish she was dressed as Gigi’s Swirl.  I also wish they would stop talking in that baby voice when there are stranger around, like the waitstaff.  Keep that crap private and in your own home.  I want Dr. Jenn to explain to all of The America why Debra and Farrah feel the need to talk to each other like that too.  It’s like they’re too embarrassed to say real words.  In the end, everyone is so proud of Farrah for making enough money that neither of her parents have to work for real.  Having Daddy Derrick do naughty-boom-boom to Farrah all those years ago really paid off.  Mazel.

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Amber – Poor Amber.  She’s feeling a major case of “the sads” because she’s gained half the weight back that she lost.  She used to be addicted to drugs and the like and now feels like she’s struggling from a food addiction.  Sully is kind enough to say that he doesn’t care if she was 900 lbs.  I think they must have edited out when he most likely ended that sentence with, “…as long as she still has money and I get to be on Teen Mom.”  Either way I’m getting a Kelly Clarkson vibe from Amber so basically I think she should record a song and just let the chips fall where they may.  Oh and it’s Father’s Day so Leah got Gary a wallet and a coin.  Is it just me or every time they show Gary’s house now (after seeing Amber’s new kick-ass house) it looks like they live on the poverty line.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  Also, who knew Gar-Bear was such a prominent coin collector!?  I just assumed all the coins he had were Chuck-E-Cheese tokens.   Everyone stop for a moment and visualize Gary cannonballing into the tiny ball pit.  You’re welcome.

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It’s Diet Day for Amber, which I guess is good for her, but certainly bad for me because I typically like to eat two sleeves of Oreos whilst watching this show and, well, it makes me feel worse knowing Amber can’t.  I mean, I’ll still eat Oreos but maybe I’ll just eat one sleeve of them.  Or maybe I’ll do two sleeves this week and then, like, regular chocolate chip cookies next week.  Does it cancel out the calories and fat if I drink one glass of water during the day?  Either way, Amber is on a diet and she’s eating orange creamsicle ‘death bars’ as I assume they’re called.  Personally I think Amber should consider eating this to lose some weight.  I hear it’s like a magical diet.  Anyway, apparently Amber is like a eating machine because she’s depressed and even did some “sleep walk eating” where she wrestled a t-bone steak from one of her dogs and brought it back to the bedroom in the middle of the night.  I made some of that up, but I think that’s what Sully was telling the producers. Is it just me or do you all cringe when Sully tries to “father” Amber.  I need Amber to get these years of her life back. Also, I love Kerthy.

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Later, Sully is having beers with his friend because, you know, he’s clean and sober, and gives everyone a recap that he doesn’t care when the tabloids write false articles about him.  He also let us know that his child support cases in MA were dropped. More importantly his friend was wearing a Lion King t-shirt.  So, there’s that.

In the end, Amber and Sully take Leah to Steak N Shake (is that a place?) and everyone gets something fun to eat except Amber who is ready to kill someone because she has to go home and make green beans and grilled chicken.  I feel her pain.  If I don’t eat every 2 hours I could strangle my way to freedom.  So same/same.  Right?

Catelynn – Things aren’t really getting that much better for poor Cate.  Take that sentence any way you’d like.  She’s basically the new Amber since she’s just sprawled out on her puffy leather couch and doesn’t have any desire to do anything.  I mean I can think of a few things she can do?  How much energy does it take to prank call Brandon and Teresa and ask them if their refrigerator is running.  When they say “yes, why?” Catelynn will just say, “Well then you better go catch it!”  She can then hang up the phone, but not before saying, “And give us back Carly!”  She can try the same prank with Butch and/or April, but leave out the “Give us back Carly” part.  See?  I can help people.  For real, I’m delirious.

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Tyler and his mom, Kim, have a little lunch and talk about Cate being a major downer.  Later, Tyler goes out for beers with his toothless cousin, Jordan, and I honestly couldn’t be any happier.  His cousin is trying to give some advice to Tyler and I think he’s making a lot of sense, although I can’t be sure because I’m lost in that missing front tooth.   Like, for real, why wouldn’t you just superglue a Chiclet or a Tic-Tac to that gum just during filming?  Or just talk with your hand over your mouth the entire time.  If worse comes to worse you could just be like, “Oh whoa some guy just punched out my front tooth in the parking lot right before we were about to film…I’ll get that fixed later.”  Either way, Ty thinks he needs to talk to a professional first before confronting Catelynn about whatever it is that she has going on.  I truly hope that “professional” is just Butch with eyeglasses on.  Or Kerthy.  I can never get enough Kerthy.

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I was half-right, by the way.  Butch was there when he told Cate he was going to go see her therapist as well.  It was a real plus that Cate had some high-end Lee Press-On nails.  That made me feel a little better.  Anyway, he ended up seeing Cate’s therapist, who I think is the only therapist in their entire state.  I just assume everyone else just yells their problems to rocks on the side of the road.  The therapist tells Ty it’s ok for him to tell Cate how he feels, but just to not do it like a complete douche (I’m summarizing).  I know this is supposed to be about depression, etc but I just want everyone to take a bath, take a brush to their hair, and just show up camera-ready just once.  Is that too much to ask?

The white Tyler Perry, Tyler, has had it up to his side-slicked bangs with Catelynn not doing much of anything and not being motivated.  He’s afraid so say what he really thinks because he keeps saying that “the people at Cate’s treatment in Arizona” told him not to ask Cate how she’s doing.  I mean.  Is that true?  Since Tyler is 1/2 huff and 1/2 z-snap (with a twist) away from losing his mind, he finally tells Catelynn that he can’t live like this for the rest of his life and he doesn’t want her “going back to how she used to be.”  While he’s giving a list of demands can he also add that he doesn’t want her chewing her fingers or eating burritos on camera?  Sure that’s more my list of requests, but I’m hoping Ty-Ty would agree with me.  Catelynn cries and says she feels like her mental illness is ruining everything.  If the Croc fits.  AmIRight?!

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Maci – Well, buckle up everyone, because for the first time in about 5 years I’m deciding to recap parts of Maci’s storyline.  I typically don’t recap her since she hasn’t smiled on camera in over 6 years and, well, that’s just a hard and fast rule I have.  However, after seeing Ryan’s dad completely turning on him and kicking him out of the house I couldn’t stay silent.  USA! USA! USA! USA! Speaking of USA, if you have Instagram you have to click here to follow me over there.  If I get 5,000 Instagram followers, Barb from Teen Mom 2 will reenact multiple dances from Dirty Dancing for me.  Nobody puts Babs in the corner.  Or something like that.

Apparently there was a big blow out between Ryan and his dad over allen wrenches and so his dad threw him out of the house. I hear the Kennedy’s fought over the same exact thing.  There’s got to be more to the story and I need to know what it is.  And what was up with Ryan’s eyes when he was talking to the producer about this?  Is that Ecstasy?  Or do the kids call it “Molly” these days.  I don’t know the difference, but clearly I’m old. Moving right along.

I’m not quite sure if Ryan’s dad likes “the sauce” or if he really was just at his breaking point, but that scene where he’s lounging on the couch in some sort of blanket-onsie with Ryan’s mom, and talking to the producer about how he kicked Ryan out…was riveting.  It was also confusing.  He kept saying that Ryan was a leech and he was sick of the lies so he tossed him out.  Oddly enough Ryan is now living in some spare house that Ryan’s mom owns that used to be her parents.  And Ryan’s dad freaked out about that and yelled at her saying, “And you better sell it to him for what you could really get for it because I’ll find out.”  I was like, “And what are you going to do about, Southern Super Mario?!”

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I actually really felt bad for his mom because she kept tearing up and even the producer was too.  What am I missing?!  Is this because I typically fast-forward through Maci’s scenes?! Is this perhaps the biggest regret/mistake of my life?!  At one point he just says that he never wants to see or be around Ryan ever again.  What did he do?!?  It was because of all the nervous yawning, wasn’t it??  I KNEW IT!  His dad (I just remembered is named Larry) say he wouldn’t “piss on Ryan if he were on fire.”  Uh, that’s fine because water is all that’s really needed to put out a body-fire.

Later, Ryan’s mom peaces out of the conversation because she’s too emotional and then Ryan’s dad says the strangest thing which is basically he’s always been #2 in his wife’s life because of Ryan and then he became #3 because of Bentley so he says he’s tired of it and if she doesn’t like it she can pack up her stuff and leave.  Ouch!  So much word-pageantry with this guy.  Who knew?!

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