Teen Mom Recap: Butch’s Dream of Becoming a Lawyer

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Time for another episode of “Spread ‘Em Young and Land on the Television.”  Before we get to that, please be sure to come back tomorrow where (yes) I will be recapping a new show, “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” on TLC.  I like to think of it as a Teen Mom prequel.  Also, be sure to click on the “Recommend” button to share this recap on Facebook and join me on my own Facebook page whilst you’re at it.  Click here!

Catelynn – Unfortunately Catelynn has to work at DOTS fixing up fake jewelry to sell to “the poors” so she is unable to to make it to Butch’s arraignment.  She is also unable to lose the baby weight from 2 years ago.  She is also unable to stop looking like a Japanimation Hello Kitty cartoon come to life.  There is a lot of “unable” with her.  Nevertheless moreover however and thensome Tyler, April, and Kim are all able to attend court to see Butch in person after he was arrested for treating April like a human pinata.  Ole!  Instead of candy coming out of her forehead I assume it’s cigarette butts and Twisted Tea bottle caps.  Oh, and blood of course.  Duh.  If you’re a complete loser like me you made sure to pause the court room scene a few times so you could look around at those in attendance.  Obviously.  Kim forgot all about her makeover from a previous episode and was sporting her tight perm and black leather jacket with 80’s shoulder pads.  She looked as rested and joyful as April when it’s time for her to go to work.  I jest.  I’m sure she doesn’t work.  There in the sea of blurred out faces I was able to see the following:

  1. Man will wet curly bangs
  2. Man with mullet
  3. Person with “dungaree” jacket
  4. Woman with black scrunchie
  5. Woman with white sweatshirt with Tiger from Winnie the Pooh on it (look closely)
  6. Lack of ambition everywhere

At one point I thought I actually found Waldo but it just ended up being another prisoner in stripes.  Tricky Waldo!  Anyway, Butch finally walks into the court room, taking little steps in his tan prison sandals, shackles and orange jumpsuit.  Everyday he’s shuffling.  Of course he also had his half-glasses and rat tail, but that goes without saying.  I’m sure he uses his rat tail as whip to “get sexy” with his cellmate.  His cellmate plays the role of Santa and Butch plays Rudolph and the rat tail is used as the reins.  But you knew that already.  Oh, and Butch looks pissed.  I’m not sure why since he’s dressed like a backup dancer for a terrible J Lo video.  April looks so stressed out/cracked out that her forehead is about to bust at the seams.  Although that may just be because Butch caused that when he was taking her for a ride all around the trailer and made the final stop into the bathroom wall.  I mean, they’re like cave people.

Since Butch is “sans brain” he decides to fulfill his life-long dream of becoming the next Star Jones and decides to represent himself in court.  The judge informs Butch that it’s extremely foolish to represent himself, but Butch continues on the path of bad decisions and confirms that he will go at this without actual legal representation.  Truth be told, Butch has been in jail and courts enough to probably know how this goes anyway.  However, the best part for me was when Butch addresses the court and asks the judge to transfer him to a different jail so that he can…wait for it…wait for it…lick your rat tail…wait for it…wait for it…use the other prisons “law library” so he can “do some research.”  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it!  I mean.  Of all things.  I immediately jumped up off my couch, high-fived myself, and tried my hand at a little break-dancing.  I failed, but I still tried.  Kind of like Butch, in life.  The judge states that due to Butch’s insane criminal background there is “no way” he’s letting him out of jail.  Ty Ty side-eyes the camera hard and April gives a look that lets us know she truly has no idea where she is right now.  I mean she’s dressed like she’s waiting in line for Space Mountain so maybe she thinks she’s at Disney World?  You know, like at the Hall of Presidents or something?  Butch then shuffles is way out of the court room and we’re all left wondering if we’ll ever see him again.  I mean, I know I will because I’m planning a Teen Mom road trip across the United States, but the rest of the population may not see him again.

Later Tyler fills in Catelynn (not literally) about everything that happened in court and is freaking out that Butch will rep himself.  Ty actually says, “You’re going to represent yourself with your rat tail and your mullet?”  Um, yeah.  Obviously his rat tail will “object” and his mullet will cross reference the witness.  Duh.  I thought everyone knew that’s how it would work.  Guess not.  In the end, Catelynn chews on her gross fingers a bit and chats it up with April, who decides to give up the sauce for good.  April admits that she doesn’t want just one beer…she wants all the beers that are around until they’re gone.  I’m sorry and that’s a problem because…?  Oh wait.  I get it.  As April is talking to Catelynn about going to an AA meeting our beloved Butchy-Poo is calling her over 13 times.  How?  Isn’t he in jail?  You can just make as many calls as you want all the live-long-day?  I mean, even the Brady Bunch kids had phone rule when Mike Brady installed a payphone in the living room.  Anyschlitz, April does in fact go to her AA meeting and Cate goes with her for support.  April is a renewed woman and is so excited to be sober because she really wants Brandon and Teresa to let her one day see iCarly.  Oh April.  That will never happen.  iCarly and crew are probably halfway to the moon after watching this episode.  Just stick to your Twisted Tea’s…in moderation of course.

Farrah – Is it too late to give up Baby Goop for adoption?  What a little sh*t she’s being in this weeks crapisode.  Farrah seems to think that Goop is the devil himself and whilst I typically agree isn’t she just being a typical 2 year old?  Things kick off with Sophia not wanting to go to bed and then constantly sneaking out of her room to see what Farrah is up to.  I loved how when Sophia was sneaking through the house they were playing tribal music the whole time.  It was like the opening credits of the Cosby Show those seasons when they got extra ethnic.  You know the one.  Farrah doesn’t have any time for Goop’s sh*t because she’s making flash cards for school so she can ace her exam of knowing what temperature to cook chicken at.  Later Sophia ends up throwing a marker directly at Farrah’s head (from 5 inches away) and then slaps Daniel on the leg.  She is certainly Debra’s granddaughter.  I’m sure she her assault and battery tendencies are genetic…as is that terrific underbite.  Daniel gets all involved in the “parenting” and immediately helps put Sophia to bed.  Had she not had her pacifier cemented into her mouth I’m sure she would have said to him, “B*tch you ain’t my daddy!  My daddy is in hell!”  I assume hell because anyone who would do the naughty-no-no with Farrah pre-boobs and pre-braces must be part of Satan’s work.

Later, since Baby Goop has officially turned into a semi-tanned Chucky doll, she used her markers on her bedroom walls and Farrah immediately calls her sister to let her know she may want Debra to take Sophia back to Omaha for a month or so.  Is she for real?  She keeps telling her sister that this is a lot harder than she thought…but it will be a positive thing for Sophia to live with someone else for one month and then she can come back.  Yeah.  Because at the end of the day we all know how children hate consistency in their lives.  Ms. Gulch ends up calling Debra to propose this “solution” to her and while we can’t see Debra’s expression we can just assume she is smiling trash claw to trash claw.  How busy can Farrah really be?  I mean, she has time to go to Austin, TX with Daniel for a week and I think she’s only taking 3 classes a week.  Perhaps she’s not “appreciating art” as much as she should?  What a real shame that she’s going to ship off her daughter for a month.  Between all the different babysitters, dates, and houses that Sophia spends time with I’m sure she’ll be turning tricks by age 13 and looking for love in all the wrong places.

Debra finally makes it back to Florida and looks easy/breezy when she gets off the plane.  Her mom jeans are hiked up halfway to her boos and her hair is feathered and blowing in the wind.  To sum up, she’s a dream come true.  She barely looks like someone who’s made Michael’s life a living hell just hours before.  Debra is all excited to go out for dinner in order to meet Daniel in person so she is sporting her standard little black cocktail dress and high heels.  Let’s just all assume she has a butcher knife strapped to one leg and a flask strapped to the other.  She’s dressed perfectly to help Sophia “go poop” on camera.  Of course, since Baby Goop already shows signs of a serial killer it only makes sense that she starts to poop in her underwear before she jumps up on the toilet.  Debra scolds her, but I’m sure if the cameras weren’t there she would be rubbing Goop in the poop.  See what I did there?  In the end, they all go out for dinner and Debra asks Daniel about his ten year plan and if he really is committed to Farrah.  Debra keeps saying that her daughter is a “brilliant business woman” but she’s not mentioning anything about her daughter being a “teen slut who lucked out with a tv show and magazine endorsements.”  Maybe they edited that part out?  Farrah sends Daniel outside with Sophia so she can Debra and chit-chat like highschool girls on their period in homeroom.  Debra claims she likes Daniel (predator) and thinks that this is the happiest she’s seen Farrah in a long time.  Well I mean, she filled her prescription for d*ck and isn’t seeing any bad side effects yet.

Amber – Amber is doing so well since she completed her stint in rehab.  I’m joking.  She’s one pot-pie away from self combustion.  The creepy case worker, JJ, calls Amber to see how she’s doing and we learn that Amby-Pants sleeps all day because her meds “take her down” and if she doesn’t take her meds she’s a crazy person.  I say just put her on a enough tranquilizers to take down a charging rhino and place her on a rocking chair on the front porch.  No?  I think it would do wonders for her.  And why does she keep saying that the court won’t allow Leah to stay with her over night because of the vandalism that people do to her house?  If that was the case wouldn’t all the kids in the projects not be allowed to stay there?  As if things can’t get any worse, Gary comes over to drop off Leah (or pick her up, I’m half asleep like when Amber is forced to parent) and also drop a deuce in Amber’s toilet.  He’s freshly shaved which makes his extra chins really pop on camera.  And he looks like he just came from the drive thru (any drive thru…all drive thrus) so I’m sure he’ll do some damage in there.  Amber, of course, freaks out that he’s done that and then starts yelling at Gary because he keeps on leaving the state and not telling her.  He’s been to Tennesee and that really gets Amber’s goat.  But nothing make her more upset than not knowing why he’s been to Illinois.  Of course, since Amber is pre-GED she pronounces the “s” in Illinois and says it like “Illinoisss!”  She must be the dumbest b*tch in prison these days.  And why is she so surprised Gary is going to various states?  I mean, when a new Applebee’s opens up he’s going to go.  Who else’s hands can easily fit into those giant scissors to cut the ribbon?

Later we get to take a tour of Gary’s new home.  I miss the ski chalet already.  This new home has white carpeting throughout which really is going to absorb all the Taco Bell that will be dropped on it in each and every room of the house. I have to admit I’m only half paying attention, but was Gary talking to his MILF about putting Leah into school so they can potty-train her?  If Gary isn’t the most qualified person on sitting on a toilet for hours at a time, I’m not quite sure who is.  Leah probably just needs someone to train her on how to get off the toilet if and when you ever become stuck.  Obviously, hiring a crane company to be on standby is surely your best bet.

I’m not sure what really has happened, but next thing you know Amber is sitting in front of Gary’s MILFs home to get Leah and no one is home so she is shaking and crying and having an actual mental breakdown.  I love that we get to witness this.  She ends up going home and crying hysterically on the ground.  I’m sure the camera crew must be really comfortable filming all of this.  Suddenly during her fit the doorbell rings and one of the old members of Destiny’s Child arrives.  I was hoping she was going to have an impromptu performance of Bug-a-Boo or Bills Bills Bills but, sadly, she did not.  This chick, Sara, may or may not have been on something whilst trying to calm Amber down.  She should have told Amber to throw her pager out the window, tell MCI to cut the phone calls, break her lease so she can move because she’s a Bug-a-Boo, a Bug-a-Boo.  She could have put Gary’s number on the call block, have AOL make he emails stop because you buggin what? You buggin who?  You buggin me!  And don’t you see it ain’t cool!

In the end, Gary’s MILF ends up dropping off Leah at Amber’s and Amber is going to give MILFY Claus a stern talking to.  Carol claims she didn’t answer when Amber called because she didn’t have her new phone number and Amber claims that Gary needs to give her new number to Carol.  It’s strange because as Carol is getting scolded Amber seems like she’s speaking calm and clear and isn’t freaking the F out like she usually does.  Perhaps Carol and her prison glasses and scrunchie has a calming effect over Ambjikistan?  It’s amazing to me that through all this Leah is typically happy to see Amber.  I wonder if she has much fun visiting her in prison?  I know I would.  And by “would” I of course mean “will.”

Maci – Bint-Lee got a wiffle.

Well that’s that.  Click to join me on my Facebook page and help free Butch from the clink!

Teen Mom Episode Rating: 4 Butch’s Prison Sandals

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