Teen Mom Recap: April, Without Butch, Frightens Me. Like, A Lot.

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  • Catelynn – Once again I’m kicking things off with Catelynn and crew because, well, I pretty much only want to watch a show with them in it. It’s Prom time for Cate and Tyler and so that can only mean one thing, Catelynn’s mom, April, is taking her and her friend dress shopping at DEB.  They’re looking for a Prom dress at DEB.  DEB.  I’m not saying anything.  Since meth is a son-of-a-b*tch to kick, April is lashing out at Catelynn with every dress she tries on.  Basically she tells her she looks too fat and/or ugly in each dress.  Had she said she looked flammable I would have agreed, but April has crossed the line.  I’m guessing she wants Catelynn to jump on that “coke” and cigarettes diet that’s all the rage with “the kids” these days.  April makes sure to toss in some ugly faces and mocking tones with Cate and disappear from the store right before it’s time to actually pay for the dress.  How does April have money for a pink Blackberry and 1997 nose ring and not any money for the dress?  Odd.  As a sidenote, she’s also driving a beat up BMW and is sporting some bedazzled sunglasses.  Highfalutin!  Once Catelynn and her friend get back into the car, April calls them both “ignorant bitches.”  What the hell did the friend do?  And, not for nothing, “Precious” could totally take on April any day, any time.  Later April drops them off at the tuxedo shop so that Tyler can pick out a tux for “da prom.”  Clearly Tyler has been tanning like it’s his job and is probably prepping himself for a near-future Jersey Shore audition.  If Vinny ever gets the boot I think Tyler is a good next natural fit.  He has the TL, he just needs the G.  Somehow “Precious” is the voice of reason at the tux shop and tells Catelynn that she thinks her mom is just jealous of her and all that she’s gained since giving her baby up for adoption (like “pay per episode” and “a tv series”).  You totally know April is trying to get knocked up just so she can try to get something out of MTV as well and, you know what, I’d totally watch the piss out of it.  During this conversation, April sends a txt message to Catelynn to let her know she wants “gas money.”  Yeah, that’s code for “meth lab monthly fees” I think.  She needs to take all of her Teen Mom money and get that hell away from her mom and just start her life all over again away from the toxic (yet beautiful) environment that is “April.”  Wow, I just got deep.  In the end, Catelynn gets ready for the prom and Tyler’s sister does her hair in million tiny little curls all while April sulks on the couch.  She’s seriously like Oscar the Grouch, trashcan and all. Tyler and Catelynn end up getting voted Prom King and Queen by their classmates.  Once again, boys and girls, sex at a young age pays off and it really makes you popular.  Now have at it!
  • Farrah – Debra has completed all the trash-picking that the court has ordered, but Farrah still thinks she needs more therapy.  At this point I think Farrah’s lawyer is even sick of her piss-poor attitude.  Luckily, Margaret Cho is back in this episode and just in the nick of time since Farrah is cleaning her apartment all whilst little Sophia has somehow crawled up onto the counter and is basically sitting on a 2×4.  She’s about 4 seconds away from falling into the open dishwasher and on top of the 4 pointed knives (butcher) that are sticking up.  Farrah will be serving Sophia-kabobs by the end of the episode.  Later, Farrah calls up Debra to invite her to go to her therapy session.  Yeah, ouch.  Debra seems less than thrilled to be going to this.  In fact, she sounds like she’d rather pick up trash for the next 3 years, and be filmed while doing so, then go to therapy with Farrah.  Also, I’d like to watch that…on a loop….for 2 weeks straight.  The therapy session is totally awkward.  Of course.  Debra and Farrah are both doing their typical ugly cry.  I’m doing the ugly cry on the inside.  Debra says she just wants Farrah to be happy and, per usual, Farrah ups her sass level to “red alert.”  The therapist, to my surprise, calls out Farrah on her terrible body language, crap-bag attitude, and overall for just being a big b*tch.  Therefore, I like her.  I kinda wish she was Farrah’s mom and that way Debra could just focus on her reflective vest, trash claw, and butcher knife fetish.  Perhaps she could chase Butch around rehab?  Just a suggestion.  In the end, Farrah ends up inviting her mom out for coffee so she can try and rebuild her bizarro relationship with her.  Why does Farrah’s face look so different in this scene?  Gained weight?  Parted her hair differently?  Coke bloat?  All good questions.  Regardless, she decides that she’ll take up Debra on her offer to babysit Sophia more so that Farrah can up her pizza making duties and, one day, make pizza’s at Pizza Hut.  I assume that’s her end goal.  No idea.  Sweet Sixteeeeeen!
  • Maci  – In a real turn of events, Ryan is looking to spend more time with Bint-Lee.  Now does he want this in order to increase his overall camera time with MTV or is it more because of what Maci is thinking which details the fact that he’ll have to pay less child support if he increases the amount of days he spends with him?  I mean, he’s paying like $80 a week.  I’m sure Bint-Lee’s first words will be, “No really, it’s fine.  I don’t even need it.”  Anyavril, Maci’s friend Debbie Downer reminds Maci of how hard it’s going to be to move Bint-Lee away from Ryan and go to Nashville so she can be closer to her very own albino Care Bear.  Ole!  Meanwhile, Ryan and his friends are out having drinks and talking about his “big plan” to get more time with Bint-Lee.  This is where his girlfriend steps in the conversation and and wants to know why Maci is allowed to move 5 hours away and Ryan doesn’t have a say.  The answer to that is:  “Teen Mom Season 1 footage.”  She then wants to know if there’s anything else Ryan can do to spend more time with Bint-Lee.  The answer to that is: “Leave you, bitch, and go back with Maci.”  What?  They’re my Ross and Rachel now so go F yourself.   Don’t judge me.  Next up, Ryan goes and gets himself the sleeziest lawyer in Chattanooga that 3 easy installments of $19.95 can buy.  Seriously, this lawyer is the worst.  He tells Ryan to go take a DNA test to make sure Bint-Lee is his and then tells him he should start taking Maci to court because once that process begins she’s not allowed to move more than 100 miles away and Nashville is 120 miles away, so that will get her to stick around.  He would have said more, but he heard an ambulance drive by and he had to go chase it.  Ryan should have jumped up and shouted, “See you on Judge Judy, bitches!”  Ryan ends up showing Maci his fancy “court papers”  and how he’s looking for 3 days with Bint-Lee and then Maci will have 3 days with Bint-Lee.  Um, can someone fill in Ryan that, as of recent, the calendar has 7 days on it.  Who gets Bint-Lee for the 7th day?  I’d vote for God, but I’m pretty sure He rests on the 7th day.  In the end, Maci drives home and is crying to her mother because she’s so angry and hurt.  I kind of feel bad.  Kind of.  Although, you know what could totally solve their problems?  Ryan should get her pregnant again.  I think that solves things.  I mean, it always worked for those girls on Ricki Lake so I assume that “formula” still works.
  • Amber – It’s Roseanne’s birthday today and Dan is out in the kitchen obesely making pancakes for his “queen” who is still in bed.  Odd how Gary knows that recipe by heart (attack).  To keep the birthday love flowing, Gary agrees to watch Leah, Darlene, DJ, and Becky while Amber goes out “sexy dancing” with her girlfriends, Jackie and Crystal.  I hope the Lobo lowered their drinking age to 18!  Gary heads out to buy Amber a small bucketful of $10.00 flowers (so half the price of her engagement ring for those doing “the math” at home).  I mean, he technically spent about the same on a bucket of chicken and biscuits, but still that is love. Well, love and grease.  Later, Amber starts creaming up her legs (puke) and puts her rats nest into a pony tail because she doesn’t want it to get in the way of all that “sexy dancing.”  Dan and Arnie are driving in the old truck and Arnie is totally egging on Dan to have Roseanne invite him out for her girls night out.  Seriously, this friend is the worst.  He looks like he stinks of underachievement and Old Spice.  So, after 4 seconds of the taunting, Gary folds from the peer pressure and calls up Amber and demands to be invited out with her and her friends.  Amber isn’t having any of this and tells Gary that it’s over (for the 15th time).  Gary tells her he is so mad that he is NOT going to pick up her “special cake” from the store for tonight.  Seriously, who’s he kidding?  Not only is he going to pick up that cake, but he’s going to eat that cake, naked, in the back of the truck all whilst is creepo friend does an oil painting of him.  However, in the end, Gar goes  home with that “special cake” with trick candles and apparently that is enough for Amber to forgive him because she does.  With the time that’s remaining she ends up going out “sexy dancing” with her friends and guess what?  She does do a little “sexy dancing.”  I mean she’s a real God-damn machine out there on the dance floor.  Somewhere in the fetal position, Gary is eating that cake and crying.

I seriously can’t get enough of Teen Mom.  Me gusta it, like a lot.  MTV would really be a bunch of dumb-dumb douches if they didn’t at least consider spinning off Catelynn and Tyler’s family and/or Amber and Gary.  I’m thinking something along the lines of the Beverly Hillbillies, but more up-to-date.  And, please tell me April and Butch have their own Twitter accounts?  I’m going to start searching for that.  Finally, a special shout-out (as “the kids” say) to the folks over at BabyCenter, TheKnot, and TheNest.  Who knew moms and future moms actually found any of this junk the least bit funny?  Ole!  Join Me on Facebook!

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