Teen Mom Recap: Amber’s Mom is the Myspace of Teen Mom’s Moms

teen-mom-farrah-crying-now-with-bangs!teen-mom-riding-the-albinoteen-mom-ryan-hidden-yawnsteen-mom-garys-mom

facebook ibbb twitter ibbb

Farrah – Since Debra no longer seems to want to “slash-n-grab” Farrah’s face anymore we’re left with picking random storylines out of a black top-hat.  So what do we have in store this week, boys and girls?  Well we’re going to be heading off to the graveyard but of course!  Sophia, press pause on your Dora cartoon and get a black lace veil for your binky because you’re taking a field trip to the cemetery with a camera crew to visit your dead daddy.  I mean, Farrah’s boobs certainly aren’t going to pay for themselves so this only makes sense.

I love how Farrah tries to let the camera know everything she is doing, even when we can figure it out on our own.  Like the time when she called Derrick’s dad and they answer the phone and Farrah just yells, “Helloooooo I’m calling you on the phone.”  Are you?  Are you really?  I thought you were placing an order at the Burger King drive-thru.  Thank Debra God she cleared that up for us.  Since this is likely to be an emotional time for our most famous Glow Worm, Debra has decided that she’s going to pretend she’s not entirely dead inside and is going to go with Farrah for support.  She’ll be the shoulder pads during Farrah’s blazer of life.  See what I did there?  We learn of this support when Farrah heads over to Debra’s house and Debra yells, “I’m upstairs eating lunch” and then we see her spoon-feeding herself applesauce out of one of those little tiny Asian finger bowls.  Odd.  I always figured this Who would be eating green eggs and ham.

You know who I want to send out an All Waldo’s Bulletin over?  Farrah’s old friend, Margaret Cho.  What the hell ever happened to her?  Debra’s Asian finger bowl reminded me of her and I began to feel empty inside.  I miss her.  Moving on.  Pack up the Kia because it’s time for the family trip to the cemetery!  Debra is rocking some beautiful black Isotoners.  Not only will these keep her hands warm during this frigid winter day, but she’s always easily be able to slap at and choke Farrah without any fingerprints or hand fibers that could ever be used in a court of law.  I think it’s great that they’re all going to let Sophia finally meet her dad, but it’s pretty cold out and, well, things could have probably been a little more interactive for her had they just brought up the Ouija Board from the basement and perhaps 2 tin cans and some really long string.  More importantly, anyone else notice how Debra drives a Kia and Farrah’s daughter is named Sophia?  You do the math.

The second they get out of the car at the cemetery that’s directly on the side of a highway Farrah starts busting out the ugly cry.  Ugh, even the dead don’t want to deal with this right now.  Things take a quick odd turn when Farrah blurts out the statement, “Awww you guys did a nice little grave for Derrick!” Awkward!  I was wondering what the hell she was talking about and then, well, then the camera panned down towards the ground and we all get to see that Derrick’s parents apparently sliced up a Christmas tree and decorated the grave plaque.  To make things even more awkward they’ve placed 3 wooden boxes as gifts on it as well and gave one of those boxes to Farrah.  I assumed giving a box to Farrah was their symbolic way of calling her a c*nt, but apparently there’s a candle inside they she can light any time she likes.  I happened to notice Debra in the background and with all the Christmas decorations lying about I was waiting for our favorite little Isotoner’d Who to bust out with the chorus of “Fahoo fores, dahoo dores, welcome Christmas, Christmas day….”  I’m going to stop now because, well, we’re at the location of Derrick’s dirt nap and my karma jar certainly runneth over at this point.  All in all, I think I did a pretty good job of not crossing any lines.  Fine, you’re right.

Once back in the safety of her Kia, Farrah busts out the ugly cry once more just to make sure we knew what it looked like if a worm could form tears.  Even Debra got in on the ugly cry action, but she stopped herself at the very last second.  We all knew it was there though.  I’m sure Debra wasn’t crying about this situation, however.  I’m pretty sure she just caught a glimpse of herself in the rear-view mirror and realized her hair wasn’t as feathered as it normally is.  Ugh, Mother Nature is quiet the b*tch.  Either way, Farrah and Debra partaking in little ugly cry is this generations Creature Double Feature and, well, I’m all in!  My goal for next time is to figure out a way to join in on their ugly cry.  Sorta like a 3-way, but without the risk of getting my dinky-doo bitten off by Miss Gulch.

In the end, Farrah heads back to Derrick’s dad’s house to meet more of his family, corner him in the kitchen, and then ugly cry on his private property.  The entire time she was crying in the kitchen I realized one thing.  One very important thing.  Derrick’s dad is totally Alex Karras and, therefore, in my mind Derrick will be Webster from this point moving forward.  This all makes sense as I’m pretty sure there is a giant grandfather clock at Debra’s house that opens up and you can walk into it and down a ladder into Bill and Casey’s house.  Just watch out for that mannequin sitting on a chair in corner of their place…you won’t sleep for weeks!  I mean, I didn’t.

Amber – Well what do we have here!  You know things are going to be good when we start off with Amber laying on a mattress on the floor (without sheets!), chatting on the phone, and sporting some real long Anna Nicole Smith fake nails.  I love how the mattress is just laid out directly on the floor like it’s a legit crack den. A bed without sheets is like Gary without a condom…an obese jobless sticky mess.  Even the bed bugs are like, “Gross.”  Amber is busy making her calls to let people know she has to go to CPS the next day to find out if she has a daughter anymore of not.  She’s actually telling her mom, Tonya, not to “be herself” when she’s at CPS because she knows how she hates Gary and Gary’s mom.  As Amber stated that, I found myself yelling towards my TV “please, please, please let Tonya be herself, please!”  I say I yell towards my TV as opposed to at my TV because my TV is my best friend and I would never want to yell at it unless, of course, my TV and I are playing our weekly game of “Your Gary and I’m Amber.” The time my TV said we were “fiance” was a real hoot.  Also, I have major major mental problems.

It’s the big day of CPS and we know this because of the way that everyone is dressed.  First off Amber and Krystle Meth are hairsprayed within an inch of their lives.  Because at the end of the day I think nothing says, “I want custody of my daughter” like AquaNet asphyxiation. Next up, we have Tonya, Amber’s mom.  She’s rocking a white hooded shirt with a bubble vest.  Sexy.  Everyone is appropriately dressed for the county fair.  The drive over to CPS is brilliant because Amber and her mom are already starting to fight.  By the time they get out of the car Tonya tells Amber to remember that she’s a mom and not say the F word at CPS.  That’s nice motherly advice.  However, Amber freaks out over her comment about remembering she’s a mom and they fight all the way into CPS.  That’s like eating cake on the way into the Jenny Craig center, no?  Same same.  Speaking of cake and obesity, enter Gary.  Because this is such a big day, Gar Bear is rocking an Ed Hardy t-shirt instead of his standard AERO.  He must want the powers-to-be at CPS to think he is “worldly.”  Gary’s mom, who’s quite the dish, is wearing some old lady purple polyester pants.  It’s like she doesn’t even try.  I get it, you’re poor but you can’t afford a brush?  And they don’t sell black pants where you bought those purples?  Maybe she doesn’t have the time to deal with “fashion.”  I guess this since she’s actually using a recyclable mesh grocery bag as a purse.  Eh, she’s a woman on the go.  Who has the time to not use trash bags as purses?!

We’re not lucky enough to see what takes place inside CPS, but we do learn that Amber continues to have full custody of Leah, but the CPS worker won’t allow Leah to stay with Amber until her house is finally ready.  That seems pretty straight-forward.  I mean, it makes sense to me but Tonya can’t understand what the F is going on to save her life.  At least we all know what her face looked like when she was trying to solve “word problems” as a child.  Something has changed, however, with Tonya from the last time we saw her (5 minutes ago) until now.  She has slooooowed down a bit.  She’s talking all slowly like Amber does when she’s yelling at Gary whilst laying down on a pile of clothes in her bed.  They begin to fight in the car and then that fight rolls over into the house as well.  Tonya is making no sense and saying she doesn’t understand who has custody of Leah and why she can’t see Leah.  I is be confuzed.  What’s even more confusing to me is how Amber keeps saying that she needs to “finish her house” before Leah can come and live with her.  Well what the F is taking her so long?  It’s not like she’s building the house, she’s renting it.  And she just needs to unpack her Ramen noodles and Pillow People decorations and she’s done.  Why this is taking months is beyond me.

In the end, Amber starts making her typical Ace Ventura faces while her mom yells at her and she yells at her mom.  She ends up spilling the beans that she grew up in a horrible house with a crazy mother and an alcoholic father.  She winds things down by saying that her mom was a terrible mother and is trying to stay the hell away from her.  Of course, Krystle Meth tries to comfort Amber by telling her how proud she has been of Amber these past few months by getting her life together.  By getting her life together does she mean not seeing her daughter and filming a television show?  Just making sure we’re clear.  However, the most important part of this scene was the rosary bead earrings that Krystle Meth is rocking.  I’m sure Jesus isn’t giving her the side-eye by her side-eye at all.

Catelynn – Ugh.  I’m not sure what the F is going on this season but MTV missed the boat, for sure, by not having April and Butch in more episodes.  It actually makes me angry.  Angry like Debra gets when those meddling police officers come to the door!  The only good thing about this crapisode is that we get to spend more time with Catelynn and Tyler’s friends, like at the local pool hall for example.  Everyone is playing pool with plaid flannel shirts on and jacked up hair like this is an after-school-special and Tori from Saved By the Bell is playing every role.  What’s up with that one chick whose hair is legit square?  I bet if she ran a comb through it she could probably increase the chances of having unprotected sex, getting pregnant, and making a real life for herself…on television, of course.  She better hurry up though because I’ve learned that if you’re not a teen and pregnant, people just aren’t as interested.  Maybe they should lower the bar.  Like, “A Tween & Pregnant” or maybe even perhaps “Toddlers and Pitocin.”  Sky is the limit!  Moving on.

After 6 tries, Tyler is finally graduating from high school!  Catelynn isn’t as lucky and needs to take an additional semester because getting pregnant during the school year apparently made her bricks. Tyler wants iCarly to come to his graduation (awkward) and he even invited Butch to the little graduation party that Kim is throwing for him, but Butch can’t make it because he’s busy trying to smuggle drugs into the halfway house and grocery shopping.  I’m joking, he has to work.  Yes, I’m sure he has a high-pressure business meeting he can’t get out of.  I mean, really.  Like, no one else can bag groceries that afternoon for him?

Catelynn is busy studying for some big history test that, if she doesn’t pass, she won’t be able to graduate on time, 6 months from now.  Tyler is quizzing her on things like Pearl Harbor and, well, her name.  We’re all in for a real treat because the cameras are let into their school and we get to meet Cate’s teacher who they call by his first name which is, of course, Montee.  Montee has a pony-tail like a pirate and is wearing stone-washed jeans.   I mean at this point let’s just call them dungarees.  Also, is he really the history teacher of the janitor?  I’m sure at their school everyone just pitches in.  We learn that Catelynn got a 65 on her history test.  Ruh-roh!  Oh wait, apparently that’s good because Montee just high-fived her over her D+ grade.  I’m sure at home April will think a 65 is a triple A+ and hang that on her refrigerator right next to the magnet letters that spell out “Where’s Butch?”  I like Catelynn, don’t get me wrong but hit the books kid.  It’s not like you’re up all hours of the night with a baby.  Oh please, you were thinking it too.  Don’t judge me.

You know who I god-damn love?  Tyler’s mom, Kim.  I know I always say it but I do, I really do.  I love her perm. I love her turtle necks.  I love her attitude.  I love her “no nonsense” way of speaking.  I want to split a bottle of vodka with her and just hug.  Anyway, Kim put together a graduation party for Tyler and his friends and they’re all having a great time.  I can’t even make fun of anyone.  I mean, that chick with the square hair is there, but I’m even gonna let that slide.  I still wonder how she wears hats, but I’m still letting it slide.  Tyler is such a good kid that he even pulls Kim aside to thank her for the party and for making him go to school.  He did all this with a partial British accent and, well, that’s alright with me.  Kim’s so proud of Tyler because he graduated high school and works at a pizza place.  Dream big!

In the end, as Tyler and Catelynn are laying in bed (wear a condom before iCarly 2 pops out) Catelynn is so excited that her boyfriend is now a college guy, but she wants him to wear an engagement ring so that all the girls at “college” know he’s taken.  I mean.  Come on.  Look, it’s great that he’s continuing his education, but it’s not like the Community College is going to be like the dorms at UMass Amherst.  No girl is going to be throwing herself at him in the hallway on the way to Intro to World Chem.  I mean, it’s college, but it’s not.  Pipe down Catelynn.  Focus on longer bangs.

Maci – I just typed Maci’s name and then put my head down and yelled “Noooooo!”  This is legit painful to recap.  Sure, Bint-Lee starts things off by taking a hot piss on Maci, but still.  Maci asks Bint-Lee if he wants her to pee on him and Bint-Lee says yes.  Things are about to get real sexy real quick.  Oh wait.  Never mind.  I’m sure Bint-Lee learned that from walking in on Kyle urinating on Maci’s face to clear up that problematic acne.  Now I used to have bad acne so save your hate-mail and nastygrams.  I mean I never peed on my face as I didn’t want to get Honky McHonkerson at attention, do a handstand, and then let the urine drip where it may, but I was lazy like that and just took medication.  What?  Sometimes I like to share things on this here blog.  Anypissfreecomplexion, Kyle shockingly still doesn’t have a job so he’s free to give Bint-Lee and Maci rides on his back all the live-long-day.  You ride that Albino Bull Dog, Bint-Lee!

Later, Ryan has Bint-Lee for the weekend and we learn that he’s coming home from work.  Work.  Work?  Work.  Wow.  Good for him.  Ryan just trumped Kyle on national television…again!  When Ryan comes home from work his mom is laughing because he’s filthy, shoeless, and his jeans are all ripped and torn up.  Now was he at work or a Ke$ha concert, because there’s a difference.  Hey-oh!  #Ke$haJokes.

After Ryan’s mom, Gladys Cravitz , sets up an appointment with a lawyer to give Ryan official half-custody of Bint-o-Palooza we all get to take a trip to the lawyers office to meet “Johnny.”  I love it.  Johnny the Lawyer.  He seems better than Amber’s lawyer “Bob” but not as good as Farrah’s t-shirt wearing attorney, John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt His Name is My Name Too.  I mean, Johnny is wearing a clown tie and I did notice the Three Stooges dolls (DOLLS!) in the background of his office so I think he is highly qualified in custody cases and, from the looks of it, affordable.  The good news is that Ryan has been working for 2 months now. What recession?  The bad news is that the lawyer thinks that Ryan should not tell Maci he’s bringing her to court and just blindside her so that she doesn’t take Bint-Lee and try to skip state on the double.

Everything else in their scenes was dumb.  Maci talked to 3 different girls who all looked like the same girl about how hard school is while being a mom.  Yawn.  Speaking of which, Ryan started to yawn but then caught himself and covered it up.  Hence, my screen-cap above.  So, Maci ends up, once again, dropping all of her classes as she likes to piss out money on the school like Bint-Lee likes to piss on her.  To sum up, Maci drops her classes, Kyle can’t get a job, and Bint-Lee sh*ts his pants on the regular. Everything seems to be going really well for them.

Wanna Talk Teen Mom?  Join Me on My Facebook Page. Ole!

Episode Rating: 1 Yawning Ryan, 1 Missing Butch, 1 Crying Farrah (3 out 4)

teen-mom-rating

twitter ibbb facebook ibbb

Facebook Comments