Teen Mom Recap: Step Right Up! Step Right Up! Come See the World’s Worst Marriage Proposal!

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Catelynn – I used to love Catelynn and Tyler because they seemed the most normal with a great giant forehead head on their shoulders, but lately they’re turning into little mini April and Butch.  By the way is her mom’s name April?  I think it is.  Anyway, it’s Catelynn’s birthday so, of course, everyone heads out to celebrate at the local (gulp) roller-rink.  Honestly, I caught lice just watching them skate.  Butch braided his rat-tail and then gelled it for such a nice occasion and, sadly, I’m not joking.  Similar to when there was the crisis in Haiti, I think MTV should keep an 800 number flashing at the bottom of the screen so I know where I can make donations because, well, I would.  I really would.  Later Tyler thinks they should go to counseling because he claims Catelynn has a “wall up.”  I think he meant “braces.”  She has her “braces up.”  There’s a difference.  When did Tyler and Catelynn turn into Heidi and Spencer with their therapy storyline?  Can’t we just see more of Butch?  Butch riding a lawnmower while drinking a Natty-Lite? Butch chasing squirrels?  Butch putting an oversized satellite dish on the roof of his trailer? You know, the usual. They finally end up going to see the therapist who I’m pretty sure is actually Tyler’s mom with her permed bangs matted down and her eyes taped shut.  If it wasn’t for a lack of shoulder-pad I would have requested a DNA.  Once again, just when I’m pleased with the amount of “making fun” I’ve done we learn that Catelynn’s mom is a recovering alcoholic and used to make Catelynn lie for her, which explains why Catelynn may have been lying about her random ex-boyfriend in Florida.  Honestly was it just me, but I was relieved that her mom was only a recovering alcoholic because I had my money on the fact that I was convinced she was a meth face?  Maybe she is, but they’re cleaning it up for TV?  In the end, Tyler keeps talking about seeing Catelynn’s phone records so that he can finally get over not trusting her.  I assumed “phone records” was code for “knockers” but, no, he really means phone records.  In fact, he won’t stop staying “phone records.”   He keeps asking her if he can have permission to get her phone records.  So, uh, is there a “phone records” store in the South that I don’t know about where you can just go and look at phone records if you have a permission slip or something?  Good luck to these two.  I’m thinking Catelynn is going to need to get knocked up again if she wants to get renewed for next season.

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Farrah – Whomp whomp!  Enter Farrah.  Times are still tough for Farrah who is fighting her mom off with one hand and making pizza’s for a living with the other free hand.  Since she has no money she is randomly getting the state to pay for her babysitting until the issue with her mom is resolved.  Uh.  Ok.  Uh-oh.  Oh no.  Yowza.  Wow.  Ouch.  Farrah drops off baby Sophia at the “babysitter” who I believe lives in a crack-den and is old enough to have arrived to America on the Santa Maria.  Maybe it was the Pinta.  I’ll have to look into that.  There is no doubt in my mind this old woman is going to sell Sophia into the black-market.  Bon voyage, Sophia!  Farrah ends up seeing her lawyer and learns that the deal they have come up with for Debra is basically to go to anger management for the assault and then basically do 10 hours of community service for trying to kill a police officer with two butcher knives.  Howie, NO DEAL! is what I would say.  Farrah’s mom thinks she shouldn’t have to plead guilty because she was acting in self defense since Farrah was “pounding on her and tries to break her finger.”  Seriously, this must be such a scandal in Who-ville.  Farrah and her mom meet at some random place where all that’s in the room in a table, two chairs, and some books on a shelf.  Quaint.  Per usual Farrah is being a big b*tch to her mom and is going Kristen Cavallari all over Debra-Sue Who.  As if things can’t get more awkward during this meeting, Debra whips out Farrah’s baby book and starts reading from it.  I, of course, turn red with embarrassment.  Does she just carry this book around with her at all times?  Odd.  Farrah decides she wants no relationship with Debra-Sue Who and DSW wishes Farrah good luck with her life.  Um, she doesn’t need luck.  She makes pizza part-time for a living.  She’ll be fine.  In the end, Farrah gets ready in a public bathroom with her friend, who I believe is Margaret Cho, and they head out for a strange girls night out.  Is it just me or does her friends voice mimic Farrah’s?  It’s like nails on a chalkboard to me.  Perhaps everyone in their town sounds like that.  I need to know where they live so I can definitely cross it off the map.  On the plus side, another episode complete with Farrah not accidentally killing Sophia or getting her kidnapped.  Put up a W.

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Maci – Father of the Year, Ryan, has Bint-Lee for the weekend so Maci is gassing up a rental car, because her her two-toned car died from the red eating the black, and heading out to Nashville to see her friends in college.  They want to know if she’s already kissed Kyle (the dude she likes).  Do they even need to ask?  She had a kid when she was 16.  Let’s just assume she went down on him on the car ride home from their first date.  Once the weekend is over Maci goes to Ryan’s to pick up Bint-Lee and I think Ryan is racing bikes or some junk.  I have no idea.  All I know is that it looks like I’m witnessing a scene out of an Avril Lavigne video circa 1999.  Now when exactly did Maci’s forehead get so big?  Between her forehead and Catelynn’s forehead I’m thinking we should start funding a study to determine forehead size to teen birth rate.  Maci’s friend, Debbie Downs, stops by to talk about Kyle.  At the same time Bint-Lee is just about to fall down the F’n stairs because someone forgot to put the gate up.  Seriously, why do all kids love trying to fall down the stairs.  It’s like a sport for them.  I mean, I guess it’s fun.  I don’t know.  I’m old fashioned.  I like sitting.  Later at night Bint-Lee is screaming is head off and can’t sleep.  Perhaps it’s because there’s a camera crew in his room point all their equipment at his crib.  Just a guess.  We learn that Maci is trying to get Bint-Lee to stop using his pacifier, which is why he’s blowing a gasket.  Although I want to drink bleach while Maci instructs Ryan not to give Bint-Lee a pacifier because she keeps calling it a “passie.”  Hey y’all don’t give Bint-Lee a passie, ok y’all?  This is why I won’t have children of my own.  Dumb made up names.  While Ryan has Bint-Lee the poor kid falls off the couch and smashes his face off the glass coffee table.  Ouch.  So Ryan’s new girlfriend gives Bint-Lee his “passie” to calm down.  Ruh-roh!  White Tyra is not going to like this one bit!  In the end, Kyle comes by Maci’s house to surprise her.  So, uh, Kyle’s an albino cartoon bulldog, yes?

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Amber – Just when you thought the chance had passed I went and saved the best for last.  It’s Amber and Gary time!  Amber and Gary time!  Amber and Gary time!  Wait a second.  Puke.  Why in the holy hell is Gary walking around with his (hurl) shirt off?  Come on, they need to put up a warning before they show something like that.   I was eating for Christs sakes.  As a sidenote, I guess we learn who’s been breastfeeding Leah.  Amber and Gary take Leah to a candy store where she basically declares Jihad on the place and they allow her to walk all over the store, without watching her, and  knock sh*t off the shelves, etc.  The employees look pissed.  Gary decides that since he’s not working and they have no money they should totally go on vacation!  Makes sense.  Nothing says, “let’s save money” like taking a trip.  They’re leaving Lanford and a taking  16 hour ride to Florida and will be staying with Amber’s uncle.  In the car is Leah, Gary, Amber, and Amber’s dad.  I can’t even.  Leah is screaming the whole time.  I wonder why she doesn’t want to stay strapped in a car seat for 16 hours? Odd.  Also, is Amber’s dad on the run from the law?  Is that why he’s on this trip?  As another sidenote, why do poor people always wear oversized clothes?  You’d assume they’d wear smaller, but maybe that’s just because they keep their clothes longer and they get bigger over time?  I’m not sure.  That’s one for the great philosophers.  All I’m saying is that I’m seeing a pattern.  Anyway, so they arrive in Florida and meet up with Amber’s uncle and his wife.  So, yeah.  Amber’s uncle is the dude from Penn and Teller, right?  Her uncle is talking to Gary about getting married to Amber and thinks he should pop the question here in Florida.  He says it doesn’t matter that he doesn’t have the money…or ring…or a job…or have his family here.  It all makes sense to me!  Clearly all the signs are pointing in the right direction.  The next day Roseanne and Dan take Darlene to the beach and she is freaking the F out.  Maybe it’s because it’s 100 degrees out and they don’t have her in any form of shade?  Perhaps.  They end up, literally, dragging her off the beach.  All I can say is thank Jesus Claus that Gary kept his shirt on while at the beach.  I’m still having horrific Vietnam flashbacks from the beginning of the crapisode.  At night they end up leaving Leah with the aunt and uncle so they can have a nice out on the town which consists of Amber dancing sexy to bad music.  I am so embarrassed right now I can’t even tell you.  I actually looked away from my TV because Amber won’t stop “dancing sexy.”  At least we know how she got pregnant in the first place.  Gary, on the other hand, can’t dance because of his sneakers.  Oh, and his obesity.  The next night they go out again and are wearing the exact same clothes.  Fine, I won’t judge.  We’ve all done that before.  We have, right?  Right?  Riiiight?  So this is the worst marriage proposal ever.  Basically, Amber tells Gary to propose and then when he does she tells him he’s doing it wrong.  I guess it’s an issue between him saying “can you” and “will you.”  All I know is that now Gar is down on one knee (which is a feat in itself) and they are fighting.  He basically ends up saying “are you going to do this?” and Amber basically responds with “fine, I’ll marry you.”  To no surprise they’re re-purposing that damn ring she already has on for the 15th time.  How these two trash bags have now officially been engaged 3 times and I haven’t been even once is horrific.  Oh wait, that’s karma.  Ohhhhh.  I get how that works now.  I guess I should try to be nicer moving forward.  I thought about it and I say…..NO DEAL, Howie!

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