Teen Mom Recap: Like Santa Claus, Amber’s Cellmate Nicole is Coming to Town

Nicole, Amber's Cellmate, Teen Mom OG

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Another week, another Teen Mom in crisis.  This week we all get to attend Amber’s 26th surprise party, blame a pig for a breakdown, and awkwardly sit in a boat with Farrah and Simon.  Let me know what you think by joining me on my Facebook page (click here!). Sure it’s a shameless plug, but some of the best comments on the show take place over there!

Farrah –  You know what part of the United States probably doesn’t think Farrah is a goon yet?  Hawaii.  So it only makes sense that she’s taking her family on a trip there.  If there are active volcanos on the island I’m going to just let nature take its course. The whole Glow Worm-Who clan is there and MTV is making sure to put all their budget into island background music.  Farrah is draped in flower leis (go figure) and Debra is wearing some form of straw hat that kinda makes her look like a nun working in the field.  You know the type.  Needless to say, this trip is everything I wished it would be and more.  And less.  A lot less.  I mean Sophia is eating bags of Cheetos so if that isn’t a crystal ball shining directly in our faces I don’t know what is.  For those of you who missed it or those of you who are of a certain age, they basically just showed footage from when The Brady Bunch went to Hawaii.  For real.  I’m just hoping that creepy doctor brings Sophia into that cave and ties her to that giant wooden tiki. Do do dooooo.

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Per usual Debra basically tells Farrah she’s a rusted out garbage can for always fighting with Simon and how they’re going to fight for the rest of their lives, so Farrah does the only logical thing she can think of which is to Facetime with Simon and invite him to Hawaii…but she does it an a nagging/complaining way where she eyes rolls, whines and then basically just says, “So if you can deal with me and my family you should come.”  Simon takes Farrah up on her offer, most likely because without this show he’s basically just selling rug vs. chasing it.  There’s more of a joke in there somewhere, but I’m too tired to workshop it.

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After some normal island rooster chases and having to sit through watching Michael shirtless by the pool with his girlfriend Amy just oddly looking at Farrah, it’s time to discuss whether or not Farrah loves Simon.  She, of course, eye rolls Michael when he asks her this and responds something like, “I don’t need to concern myself with..if…I love someone.”  I’m sorry, what now?  Debra, however, is the voice of reason when she tells Farrah that she should wait until she and Simon can talk somewhere alone instead of ruining her own vacation.  Farrah just goes, “I’m having a good time and it doesn’t matter who’s here I’m still enjoying myself.”  Uh, ok.  I mean, she certainly looks like she’s having fun.  Kinda like the same way that homeless guy on the side of the highway begging for money with his homemade cardboard sign looks like he’s having fun too.

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Later, Simon shows up and Farrah gives him a hug the same way you’d give your librarian a hug, with that awkward one pat on the back over and over again.  Now that’s love!  For reasons that are never explained, Sophia is wearing a coconut bra and has so much red lipstick smeared across her lips that right at this very moment some pervs are most likely being arrested in a raid.  Look, I don’t care about how Farrah decides to raise her daughter but there are a lot of sickos out there.  And I’m not just talking about the one in the straw hat who’s giving Farrah advice.  Either way, everyone goes on that dreadful boat cruise around the harbor and Farrah yells at Simon for not really talking to Sophia.  She’s literally making him yell across the boat to tell Baby Goop “good job” for driving the boat.  The. Worst.  He looks so uncomfortable.  Maybe it’s the coconut bra and whore lipstick?  One may never know.  I always feel bad when I see couples fighting and you’re just thinking, “This is NEVER going to work.  Ever.”  Honestly, this is all terrible to watch. If I were on the boat I’d hint at Sophia to drive this ship directly off the end of the earth.  By the way, what was up with Farrah trying to figure out how gravity works and why the water is always flat no matter where she goes?!  At one point she just says “Water is heavier than gravity.”  Ok to be honest, I don’t know if that’s true or not.  I mean, at the end of the day I’m writing about Teen Mom OG from my apartment so how smart can I really be?

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In the end, Simon goes MIA and the producers stop by to try and find him.  He ends up showing up via Facetime on a motorcycle and, once again, Farrah yells at him and decides to place his luggage by the trash barrels so he can pick them up later.  Farah should give women a whirl.  I actually cracked up in the very last two-second scene when they show the producer passing the luggage to Simon through a car window.  Hot from the garbage!

Amber – I’m loving Amber more and more each week, mainly because she walks about like she doesn’t care that she’s filming a TV show.  I’m just glad she’s off that damn couch.  This time around Amber and Sully are just about done flipping their second house and swing by it to do a quick walk-through and make sure, I assume, Sully hasn’t left and/or hidden any crack in any of the cracks.  The producer starts asking Amber how old she’s going to be and after Amber answers “26” she then lets us know that she recommends all the teen moms to work on some side stuff so they can make money and be set for the rest of their lives.  I think Amber means, like, flipping houses.  Whereas Farrah means:

Step 1:  Get a new head
Step 2:  Buy a new rack
Step 3:  Film well-lit accidental porn
Step 4:  Collect check(s)

I mean, either way good for everyone trying to get their money any way they can.  Amber nails boards and Farrah nails anything.  Hey-oh!  I jest.  As I typed that I was giving all the emoji faces.

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Amber also makes me scratch my head when she then out of nowhere tells the producer that she’s bipolar, manic, and has borderline personality disorder.  It’s like the singles ad writes itself!  Apparently she’s diagnosed with all those things and takes “the meds” but not the kind that make you feel better immediately.  I think she meant heroin, but I’m not entirely sure.  Which is the drug that you heat up on a metal spoon with, like, an old-timey cigarette lighter?  Either way, that one.  I’m just glad Amber can admit she’s a hot mess and is trying to get better.  Get well soon.  Leave Sully sooner.  For real that should either be on a greeting card or a t-shirt.  Or both.  Or neither.

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Sully decides that he’s going to throw Amber a surprise birthday party even though she hates them.  Makes sense.  To make things even better he decides to invite Amber’s cellmate, Nicole, to the party since she hasn’t seen her since their days of sharing a jail cell.  Honestly, I think this is the best thing that’s ever happened to Amber and, more importantly, me!  I think they should do the same thing next with with Butch’s old cellmate(s).  Fingers crossed.  Anyway, the good news is that Sully decides to also invite Gary, his ‘wife’ and Leah.  Gary decides he’s going to go and I’m a little surprised, but then figure who is he to pass up a birthday cake?!  Plus, if things get heated he can always just punt the bouncy house.

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After Krystal-Meth takes Amber out to get her nails done for the birthday she brings her back to the house and…wait for it….it’s a surprise party!  Amber figures it out because there are 200 cars parked in her 2 car driveway.  Way to plan ahead, Sully!  Everyone yells surprise and then the real surprise takes place when Sully brings Amber’s cellmate, Nicole, out from the back of the house.  Amber actually is surprised and then kisses her on her lips and hugs for around 5 full minutes.  It’s like, scissor much?  I was a little confused though because Nicole’s name on screen said “Nicole” but didn’t Amber call her Pam?  I hit rewind 10 times because (1) I’m a loser and (2) that’s what it really sounded like to me.  Someone tell me.  And when you do, tell me on Instagram.  Speaking of which, click here to follow me on Instagram.  I have a picture with a Real Housewife or two…which helps support point #1 above stating that I’m a loser.  Anyway….

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It actually was nice to see Amber having such a fun time at her party and it was a little sad when she and Nicole talked about how out of all of their prison friends they’re the only two that “made it” and haven’t had to go back to jail.  The people in the background looked like they were clutching their purses and wallets just in case Nicole was in the slammer for petty theft.  I mean, you never know.  Better to be safe than sorry.  Gary, on the other hand, is having the time of his life and so am I as I just noticed his t-shirt says, “Just Do It….Tomorrow.”  Oh Gary!  He sure does love a t-shirt joke.  As do I.  And it’s nice to see his singed off eyebrows are starting to fill back in.  The human body really is a miracle.

In the end, Amber gives a toast to Nicole and says she learned so much about herself from Nicole during those 1.5 years they were “bunkies” in prison.  Is “bunkies” like prison lingo for “scissor sisters?”  I mean, the jail jokes really are endless.  I’m glad everyone is doing well and not near me so I can’t get robbed or killed.  I wish everyone a beautiful life.

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Catelynn – Speaking of mental illness, Cate is gearing up to go away for 1-month of treatment to find out why she has a chronic case of the sads.  I say good for her!  For real.  She never really appears that happy so it’s time to get to the bottom of that.  I did find it slightly strange that I feel like she’s blaming the pig for her troubles but, after all, I’m not a doctor so I can’t diagnose.  Perhaps the pig did mess with her mind.  Pigs are like that.

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To be honest most of Catelynn’s scenes are pretty sad.  There’s not much to joke about, so hopefully Butch is back next week for some comic relief.  Cate is pretty much balling her eyes out the entire episode and then Tyler starts crying…probably because he’s not going to have anyone to fat-shame for the next 30 days.  Maybe he can just take to Twitter and really lay into strangers.  Sky is the limit.

I felt pretty bad when Tyler was crying in the car….and then in the house…and then in the car again, but mainly because I realized I don’t cry nearly as much as I probably should.  Maybe I’m dead inside?  Or worse, maybe I’m dead on the outside, you know, where it really matters.  God I hope not.  I want to be alive on both the inside and the outside.  I also want less muppet-like eyebrows.  I figured I’d just toss all this out there in case the universe is listening and/or reading this recap.  I hope so at least.

In the end, Catelynn ships off to some form of rehab and has to say goodbye to Nova, which pretty much sucks.  I think April was thinking, “How am I stuck with this kid now too?”  Oh April don’t think your MTV t-shirt snuck past me in that last scene. Good for you.  Get that money!  I felt a little emotional when April said her classic line to Cate, “So you ready for this, kid?”  It was a real 80’s movie moment for me.  To make myself feel better I paused that scene so I could look at all the stuff in the background of April’s kitchen.  I spotted a bag of “Beggin’ Strips” so, you know, that made me feel better.

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Maci – pregnantly bought a house.

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