Teen Mom Recap: Amber Becomes a Woman in Jail

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Farrah – It’s been about 3 minutes since our little Glow Worm with a new rack has made the friendly skies unfriendly so it only makes sense that Farrah is talking to Debra and filling us all in that she wants to travel to Florida to check out some below average school that takes worms and look into some apartments that double as crack dens so that Sophia has increased chances of one day becoming a Madam.  Dream big, baby Goo, because these episodes will most likely be the highlight of your life.  It was odd because Debra seemed very supportive of Farrah checking out Florida, at first, but then she suddenly used her rusty trash claw to throw Farrah a curve ball by suggesting she she “keep” Sophia while Farrah goes to school in Florida.  Apparently the angle she’s going for has to do with it being cheaper for Farrah to fly back and forth to see Sophia than it will be to hire some “nanny kind of person.”  Oh Debra, you are the trickiest Who anyone has seen in Whoville since the Grinch dressed up as Santa and stole all of Cindy-Lou Who’s trickets,  drinkets, and wallygongs!  All of this, of course, makes Farrah immediately snap into the traditional Ugly Cry, but this time she tries to talk through the Ugly Cry in which it sounds like she says that if she stays it’s because Debra suffocates her and she never wants to go out…and have unprotected sex with people who will eventually die.  Fine, I made that last part up but it would be awesome if she said she just wants to get laid and hasn’t been able to have naughty times in over two years.  Seriously, that’s what I think everyone’s problem is in that family.  They all need to do the sex and start drinking more.  The More You Know.

Per usual, as Farrah is packing up her crap for her 15th trip of the season she decides to start yelling at Michael.  She’s good like that.  Michael comes over in his pajamas (pervert) and walks in with a stuffed animal for baby goop. Without batting an eye, Farrah in her typical robotic monotone voice just spews out, “Hi Michael, thanks for knocking.”  At first I thought she was thanking him for buying her implants, as in “Hi Michael, thanks for knockers!”  but evidently I was incorrect which is weird because that never really happens.  Michael looks like he had to down a couple of Prickly Pear Margaritas before coming over to Farrah’s house of horror, but was missing the ingredients so he just mixed bleach and cheap vodka and was ready for death or a Farrah visit…whichever was planned next and less painful.

Anyquestionablemole, Farrah lets  Michael know that she’s sick of the precious little puppy that she gave to Sophia so she’s ready to stuff it down the garbage disposal or give it to the crack box neighbor next door and Sophia will never even miss it.  That’s sweet.  Luckily the prosecution will have all this footage to use in their case of “The America vs. That Little B*tch Farrah” in 2017.  I’m surprised Farrah is giving the dog away because she showed her motherly instinct by holding the puppy over the trash barrel with one hand and trying to shake the diaper off of it like she was Louise Woodward.  And, not for nothing, but enough with that Knicks t-shirt.  It’s almost starting to turn into Gary’s AERO t-shirt and, well, none of us need that.  Plus, I’m tired of seeing her underdeveloped stick arms dangling out the sleeves.  The only time I’m ok with seeing appendages that small is when I’m playing hangman…which is typically on Friday nights so don’t judge me.  Jerks.

Well it’s finally time for the big trip to Florida!  Farrah drops off Sophia’s Christmas gift at the crazy neighbors house that still appears to be filled with Coke memorabilia, dust bunnies, and pending death.  That chick Jean who has a permagrin on her face just blurts out “I love this dog” when Farrah hands it to her.  I have a feeling Jean has no idea where she actually is and thinks that Farrah just handed her a basket of muffins.  Someone is going to need to explain to baby goop why Jean put the dog in the microwave for 10 seconds and then is smearing butter on him.  Eh, that’s another conversation for another time.  At least the whole time Farrah just left Sophia in the car (UNATTENDED!) during her whole visit with Jean.  That’s safe.  Later, they finally arrive at Ft Lauderdale because, at the end of the day, Farrah is totally 80’s Spring Break when you really think about it so Lauderdale is fitting.  My personal favorite was how Sophia was just sitting on Farrah’s lap in the back of the cab without a car seat (almost as much as I liked how Bint-Lee just called shotgun and sat in the front seat of the car whilst Maci drove Kyle to the hospital).  Oh that Sophia!  Spring Break party animal!

Farrah ends up checking out some real nice places that look like Section 8 Housing and Foreclosure and, in the end, ends up taking Sophia to the beach while the sun is setting.  Sophia, of course, freaks the F out when her feet touch the sand (like most kids) and is screaming and yelling when Farrah picks her up and brings her closer to the water that has waves that makes Debra’s butcher knife slashing look like a walk in the park.  At one point Sophia legit gives Farrah the side-eye that really says, “B*tch, enough with these trips.  Give me some consistency in my life, will ya?”  Once back at the prostitution brothel, Farrah calls Debra to let her know how awesome everything was and how they “loved” the beach.  The best was how you could hear Debra on the other end saying, “The waves will pull you right down and kill ya!”  And if it’s one thing that Debra knows about, it’s killing.  Or at least attempted killing.  Fine, aggravated assault.

Amber – I’m pissed at the police right now.  I’m pissed because they put Amber (Ambuuuuh!) in jail and, therefore, we barely get to see her all episode.  What a real shame.  What an American shame.  At least we get to hear Amber’s angelic voice via her voice-overs so at least we know she’s alive.  Phew!  We’re stuck with Gary filling us in on everything that is going on with Amber serving her 24 hours in jail by talking to his sexy-beast-of-a-woman mother.  What a dish.  I love how his mom is sticking to her guns and never brushing her hair or using any kind of product in it whatsoever.  I mean, at this point I’d be ok with Leah taking a hot Shasta McNasty on her head and then his mom just rubbing it into some kind of a hair style.  Ugh, the poors.  Never able to own a brush.  I blame Obama.  I’m not sure why, I just do.  Anyknottyhair, Gar Bear is close to tears (in his eyes and the seam of his pants) while telling his MILF that the court has issued a “no contact” order between Amber and him.  He feels like now that they’re at the point where they’re getting along again, the “no contact” order is really making him miss Amber a lot.  Uh oh, someone is craving a beating!  Seriously, if I was his mom I would line up his clothes and his TV at the top of the stairs and then kick them and his fat ass down said steps and then say, “Still miss her?”   At least Leah is taking it well and by “well” I mean secluded in the kitchen and eating a can of Pringles off the floor.   Pick up a dust pan and brush while you’re down there, lazy.

I love how Amber and Gary have the same “no contact” order that Butch and April have with each other.  Young love.  So sweet.  Evidently the court really tries to keep “the poors” away from each other.  See, now that’s where me and the courts differ.  I think you should keep violent “poors” together because it makes for really good television and, well, if someone gets killed in the process then it’s just the cost of doing business for reality television.  You win some you lose some (obviously not in regards to weight).  Gary’s mom leaves Gary with some words of wisdom which is, “Well, they say absence makes the heart grow fonder.”  You totally know she read that on the middle of a popsicle stick.  You just know it.

Legit, Amber and Gary are missing from about 35 minutes of this crapisode, but once we finally get to see Amber we’re not let down because we were right there when she was freed from jail. She’s like the Nelson Mandela of our generation.  However, we weren’t the only ones who were there.  You see, the local news crews were there as well.  Amber serving 24 hours is big news for her town because, let’s face it, how many meth lab fires can you keep covering each week?  5?  46?  It gets old.  And you totally know that Amber thinks she’s an A-lister because of this.  It looks like she was even trying to do that Martha Stewart “free from the slammer” walk on her way out.  I’m surprised none of her cellmates knitted her a poncho.  Odd.

Later, Amber finally gets to see Leah after her mom had to pick up Leah at Gary’s ski chalet and bring her back to Amber’s new house of chuckles.  Amber tells her mom that spending a night in jail “sucked.”  Really?  Well it’s not supposed to tickle.  Amber even says that while she knows she only spent 24 hours in jail it felt like “days” and she realized how much she appreciates everything she has in her life.  Uh, self tanner and sexy-dance moves?  I’m lost.  The whole time Amber keeps telling her mom how much she needs her in her life and how she still needs a mother figure to help her out and provide her with some direction.  After Amber’s whole speech, Amber’s mom just basically says “yup” and then they hug.  Amber even admits to wanting to breaking their unhealthy cycle of behavior but I, well, I would actually like the opposite.

Catelynn – I love how we kick things off with Catelynn in school and the fact that Monte is back and is teaching a “nuclear energy” class.  I mean, come on.  I didn’t know Monte had it in him!  Plus, these kids don’t know what nuclear means and they don’t have any energy so it’s basically a waste.  They should have a class on how to bag groceries and how not to put the bread in the same bag as the eggs and tissue box. Oh, and these kids are in high school so there shouldn’t have been the alphabet and numbers as a border around the classroom but, alas, there it was.  Explains so much.

All while Catelynn is in school, so is Tyler.  He’s “big man on campus” at their local community college.  He can’t believe that after 2 hours he’s done for the day and gets to go back to this mobile home and hang out with his friends.  What luck!  He should be visiting Butch in the halfway house just for us, but Tyler is selfish like that.  He ends up looking up online some clubs in his area and at first I thought he meant actual clubs, like the Boy Scouts, but he’s actually talking about “da club.”  Seriously, what?  I don’t peg Tyler for someone who goes to “da club” but apparently this is really happening folks!

Catelynn gets home and we get to learn that mentally she’s kind of a mess because she’s legit crying and freaking out over Tyler wanting to go to “da club” and how she doesn’t want to go to “da club” because she doesn’t look like the rest of the girls who attend “da club.”  No really, she’s freaking out over this.  She’s even throwing it out there that she’s not 115 pounds anymore because she carried a baby for 9-months.  I’m sorry, while I do love Catelynn, she had that baby almost 2 years ago.  She hasn’t been eating for two for quiet a while so there’s no excuse why she can’t drop 20 pounds in 2 years.  I mean, give April a 12 pack of Twisted Tea and a knife and have her chase you up and down the block if you have to.  Hell, call Debra.  She”ll try to kill ya if you need her to.  She’ll chase ya real good!

How they’re still fighting about “da club” is beyond me.  Now Catelynn is crying and saying that it will never work out for them because they’re two totally different people.  So let me get this right, they might break up over “da club?”  I kinda like it.  They’re like the white-trashier version of Ronnie and Sam  from Jersey Shore.  If Tyler says “I’m gonna do me, you do you” and then flips Catelynn’s bed over I’m going to be pleased.  However, they’re smarter than Ronnie and Sam because they’re going to take their fight about “da club” and go to counseling over it.  I’m not joking.  Catelynn actually said that they should see their counselor about this issue.  Is she for real?  This is terrible.  They legit go see the counselor about “da club” and even the counselor (who is in basement) seems less than interested.  Cate keeps talking about how she doesn’t feel pretty like the other girls at “da club” and how she feels overweight but she never mentions once her forehead, which I personally think just adds to the problem.  But I’m not a basement counselor so what the hell do I know?

In the end, after talking about “da club” for an hour it’s finally time to go to “da club.”  This should be good.  I can’t wait to see what “the kids” are wearing to “da club” these days.  Tyler is apparently dressed in Butch’s clothes for an interview and Catelynn decided to dress up like the real life Hello Kitty.  This club must be awesome.  I, of course, immediately suffered from secondhand embarrassment when I was forced to watch Catelynn and Tyler sexy-dancing with each other.  Gross.  Catelynn should turn around so that Tyler isn’t grinding with her ass but her “gentlemen greeter” instead.  This way, it increases the chances of them having unprotected sex and having another baby that they get to keep.   At least Cate had fun at “da club.”  She should drink to loosen up.  That works for me.  I highly recommend it at any age.  They should also send pictures of themselves “clubbing” to iCarly with a message that says, “We get to do this because you’re not here.”

Maci – So we meet again, Maci.  Damn you.  Why can’t there just be 3 teen moms in this series?  Or perhaps let Jenelle and Barb in on the fun.  At least punches get thrown on the regular with those two.  Since Maci apparently makes good decisions, she’s decided to enroll back at Chat State which is either a school or the name of a 1997 AOL chatroom.  A/S/L?  Since Kyle doesn’t work he has more time to race his dirt bike so it only makes sense that he crashed it and broke his knee and now needs surgery.  Don’t they take albino polar bears to the vet?  Or zoo for that matter?  Alas, Maci has to bring Kyle to the hospital for surgery and since they’re already on their way to the hospital it only makes sense that she lets Bint-Lee sit in the front seat the whole ride.  This way, once he goes through the windshield he’ll just land at the emergency room front doors anyway.  My favorite part, however, was when Maci went to get a coffee with her friend during the surgery and her friend wants to know if Kyle’s knee replacements means that he’s getting someone else’s knee.  Why yes, why yes he is.  It was touch and go for a while but finally they found a match on the National Knee Donors list and Kyle will, in fact, live.  Bricks.

Once Kyle is back home Maci needs to take care of Kyle’s “bint-knee” and Bint-Lee all at the same time.  Kyle is so tired, apparently, that he hasn’t been able to shave in days.  Maci might as well let her ladybusiness grow out as well.  Bint-Lee is throwing fit after fit after fit.  He especially throws a fit when Maci needs to use the computer to…wait for it….Google her college’s name to find their website and figure out what assignment is due at 10pm that same night.  Seriously, can’t she just pay me to give her an F?  Hey-oh!  Her assignment work doesn’t last long because Bint-Lee got some Lint-Lee in his eye and so Maci sprays saline directly in it to make him feel better.  She should have yelled, “There’s your future…cloudy with a lot of tears!”  Maci ends up locking herself in the bathroom to get some peace and quiet.  Luckily she allowed the camera man in there with her.  They probably ended that scene with golden showers and just had to edit it out.

Everything else, per usual, is a snooze.  We learn that Ryan is no longer working (again) and gave up his job after what seems like 4 days.  That’s nice.  So he doesn’t work, Kyle doesn’t work, and Maci doesn’t work.  Everyone should drop their custody claims and just lay low before the court puts Bint-Lee in an orphanage.  Anytrash, in the end Maci ends up stopping at the salon to get…wait for it….wait for it…blond extension added to her head for a “new look.”  It is stringy, greasy, and hay like…and I love it!  As Paris Hilton would say when she got those  same exact extensions circa 2002 “loves it” and “that’s hot!”  Kill yourself.  Kill me first though.

Episode Rating:  3 Broken Down Maci’s (Out of 4 Broken Down Maci’s)

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