Teen Mom Recap: All of Farrah’s Ex’s Live in Texas (and Heaven)

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Hello my good people.  It’s time for yet another episode of “Carly is Really Missing Out.”  Before we continue I’d like to say a big “gracias” to all of you who recommended and shared my recap of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.  It broke IBBB records that, well, only I care about.  So let’s make that happen all the time, right?  Right!  Oh, and my birthday is right around the corner so be sure to join me on my Facebook page so that you can send me money and such. Also:

Hi Parents, big year for spelling, here’s what the kids will N-E-E-D
Pens & markers, paper (Wide-Ruled),
Puddy, stickers, tape, and sticks of glue,
Lunch boxes, pencils, highlighters,
Sneakers, & tee shirts,
Notebooks & Jeans,
Notebooks & Jeans, Notebooks & Jeans,
YEAH-NOTEBOOKS & JEANS

Ok, let’s get down to lady business.

Farrah – Our beloved Ms. Gulch has finally made it to Texas with her boyfriend of 7 years, Daniel.  Oh wait, they’ve only been dating for about 5 weeks?  Gotcha.  Well frankly I find it refreshing that Farrah is giving the terrorists other states to attack for a change.  I mean, lay off Iowa and Florida for Pete’s sake.  Anynewboobs, Farrah and Daniel head out for a wonderful dinner in which Farrah shows her teeth and isn’t a giant C the entire time.  It’s like “getting the D” really recharges her.  I hope she never disconnects…if ya know what I mean?  And if you don’t let me spell it out for you. I hope Farrah goes through life with a penis permanently stored inside her.  Now that we’re clear, let’s move on.  After a romantic dinner filled with lots of cheese that will most likely give her the sh*ts, it’s time to kiss on a bridge at sunset whilst hundreds of bats fly all over the place.  So sexy.  I can’t wait for the bats to nest in Farrah’s hair and Shasta McNasty in her newly aligned mouth.

Later, Farrah gets to meet Daniel’s dad and stepmom at dinner.  I have no clue, by the way, what nationality anyone is.  Dinner was like an ad for United Colors of Benetton but, you know, way ugly.   She wants to know how she should act in front of his dad and Daniel chimes in that she should just act like herself.  It seems odd that he would want her to berate them during the first dinner, but maybe they really do things different in Texas after all?  The dinner goes really well which was refreshing.  I’m kidding.  It was as much of a disaster as Farrah’s vag probably was post-childbirth.  I’m talking a mess. A. Mess. Like a pair of ripped up “dungarees” from the 80’s…with red whore paint spilled all over them.  I actually thought Farrah was drunk, but then just realized this is what her personality is like when she’s being “outgoing” and “charming.”  Not only does she tell the 51 year old stepmother that she’s going to be a “lone bird” because she has never had any children, she then tells his dad that she’s ready to have another child soon so Baby Goop has someone to smother to death and serve 10 years in Juvie.  She hardcore slaps Daniel on the back and ask him if he’s ready for all this.  I mean how she got one guy to stick it in and stay inside long enough to impregnate her is beyond me.  P.S., she should just give Baby Goop to the stepmom to, you know, own and junk. Or at least see if she wants to take care of her for a couple months after Debra is done with her.  #PlanAheadBricks

The “next day” the happy couple go shopping and buy Sophia some red cowboy boots most likely so she has a better shot of either (1) running away from Debra or (B) kicking the crap out of her.  It’s a win/win either way.  Unless she chooses what’s behind curtain #3 and then in that case she could win a goat grazing on some grass.  It’s a tough call.  After boots are bought (and not knocked) Farrah buys her own engagement ring for herself and rubs it in Daniel’s face.  I then spend the next 5 minutes simply yelling “ruuuuuun” at my television.  Luckily for the white-trash store they’re in Farrah also thinks she sees her wedding dress.  Words can’t even begin to describe the physiological problems this chick has.  I mean Debra must have really done a number on her.  Most likely, number 2 but still a number nonetheless.

Later, Daniel is literally up sh*ts creek without a paddle.  And to make things worse he can’t even use Debra’s trash claw to row up river because Debra isn’t with them right now, although I’m pretty sure she’s perched up on a mighty sequoia watching them from a distance to make sure there isn’t any tricky-dick trying to make its way into Farrah’s Abraham.  Sadly this is the one Abraham that wasn’t shot in the back of the head.  Too soon for Lincoln jokes?  I figured.  Anygulch, Farrah and Daniel are taking a romantic boat trip up the river just the two of them…and the camera crew.  Within seconds of being on these little boats Farrah is sure to be completely normal and alerts Daniel that she doesn’t want to “date forever” and since it’s already been a lengthy 1.5 months she’s ready to be engaged.  Way to not blow your load right away, Far-Far.  I’m not sure what was more shocking, the fact that’s she’s saying this on camera and hit tilt on the “trash-o-meter” or the fact that I was able to give the middle finger to my television all whilst sporting some side-eye during this entire scene.  I was just as surprised as you that my arm didn’t get tired from holding it up so long.

Daniel’s first mistake on this trip was even putting on a life-vest.  He should have filled his sneakers with cement and put on a lead dunce-cap and just let nature take its course.  I mean even Baby Goop has an efficient escape plan as she spends her free time trying to jump down wells like she is the Baby Jessica of our generation.  I liked how Daniel was basically like, “B*tch we’ve been dating for a month and I can barely put it in you without your mother swatting at me with her trash-claw and Michael filming it.”  Damn it, Michael!  Sure he didn’t really say that but he, along with certain parts of Canada, were thinking it.  In typical Farrah “eye-roll” fashion she’s sure to end the conversation with giving him an attitude and saying, “Well I want more of a commitment and be engaged so no big deal.”    Honestly, no wonder why Sophia’s daddy “checked out” early.  Although I guess Farrah really knows what she wants as she claims she knows if she’s ready to be married after a short period of time.  It’s similar to when she moves into a registered-sex-offender neighborhood and lets just anyone babysit her child.  So same/same.

In the end, Farrah is invited to hang out with Daniel and his friends but Daniel hardly talks to Farrah so she leaves early and goes to the hotel by herself.  Daniel never returns.  The next morning Farrah calls Debra to b*tch about him and tell her that it’s over.  Yeah, I’m pretty sure he’s decided that before she had the chance to call Trash Claw.  My favorite part was when she was checking out of the hotel and the employee asks her if she enjoyed Texas and she just replies by saying, “I had an ok time” and then rolls her eyes.  The B*tch is Back.  I enjoy how Farrah finds all of her happiness in men instead of herself.  We see the relationship fall to sh*t when Daniel drives around with his friend and explains how Farrah means well but she just simply has too many demands.  Oh yeah Daniel?  Say it to Debra’s face.

Amber – Look who’s cured!!!  For me that jokes never gets old.  Other things that don’t get old is Amber explaining to anyone who will listen that Leah can’t live with her because of the vandalism that was done to her home.  Yawn.  Amber probably did it herself.  And why does she feel the need to tell us every episode?  And more importantly, is the real vandalism the tattoo of Leah that Amber has on her FUPA?  Probably.  Speaking of mistakes, Leah keeps calling Gary “mom” and Gar-Bear needs to keep correcting her.  You can’t really blame her, however, because Gary really does have a bigger cup size than Amber.  And he kinda sorta does look pregnant.  Basically Gary and his MILF are like a modern day lesbian couple.  They’re just missing a lot of keys and some Phish paraphernalia.  Presto Chango…Scissors.  Where was I?  Seriously, I think I need a geneticist STAT!

Amby-Pants is freaking out at Gary over the phone because she wants to see Leah today since she has nothing to do.  Aww that’s sweet.  She should save sweet talk like that for when Leah needs to talk to her via bullet-proof glass.  And how can Amber say she has nothing to do today?  I mean, she clearly spent hours trying to look like Six from Blossom.  And, by the way, she nailed it.  Also, she looks like she’s going to cry by simply dialing the phone.  Per usual, Amber is screaming at Gary for being “a bastard” and not letting her see Leah.  She hangs up the phone and immediately starts crying all whilst she gets into her brand-new Lincoln.  A Lincoln, really?  You’re like 19 and you’re driving a Lincoln?  Suddenly she’s like Mama Fratelli.  No joke I just cracked myself up.  Then I Googled “Mama Fratelli” and laughed whilst looking through the images.  Ahhh life is neat.

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While driving, Amber decides to call Destiny’s Child to complain about Gary.  At one point I’m pretty sure she was bursting into tears because she couldn’t merge onto the highway.  No joke.  While talking to Destiny’s Child she turns the story around to say that Gary was yelling at her on the phone for no reason.  Destiny’s Child was telling her to keep calm because she “knows how Gary is.”  It was really like she was saying no no no no no, when it’s really yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah (this is the remix).  She finally makes it to Destiny Child’s house and cries some more claiming she just wants a new house so she can get Leah back.  She also hopes that a house will make her happy.  I’m sure it will work out that way.  If these walls could talk I’m sure they’d say, “EXPENSIVE!”

In the end, Amber and Destiny’s Child head over to some kick-ass neighborhood to look at a house that Amber wants to rent.  Seriously it’s huge.  It’s like “The Gary” of homes.  She’s going from this big house to The Big House.  Ok I’m done.  I don’t want to say that the guy showing the house is a Level III, but I’m guessing that the guy showing the house is a Level III (allegedly…ok fine, not allegedly…entirely made up).  But what I am saying is that if a giant red flag appears on a map over his house I wouldn’t be shocked.  Basically, he’s qualified to babysit Baby Goop.  And notice how quickly he was to tell Amber where the nearest playground was?  Diddles McLaughlin.  In all honestly that house was amazing and I’m almost certain that if Amber moves in the price of all the other houses around her will plummet.  Way to trash up the neighborhood.  Imagine owning a home there for like $1 million and you open up your back porch and hear Amber beating the bag out of Gary and seeing all the indoor furniture thrown to and fro all over the backyard?  Simply brilliant.  In the closing seconds what the hell was Destiny’s Child talking about on the playground swing saying there was enough room on it for her, Leah, and Amber?  Wait a second, does she do scissors?  I don’t think you do, so you and me are through.

Catelynn – What the F kind of “colleges” are these two trying to attend where no one seems to know what the F kind of degree they should be getting?!  My friends, this is the overall theme of all of Catelynn and Tyler’s scenes tonight.  If this show was being talked about on Bravo there would be a “drinking game alert” and you’d have to take a mullet-full of your cocktail every time you heard someone say “social working degree.”  Husky Kitty and Son of Snarlin’ Darlin’ are at the local diner (the kind of place where they pour hepatitis directly into your orange juice) with their friend and chit-chatting about taking some time off from school because they’re not sure what degree they should get.  They’re genuinely scared that they’ll choose the wrong degree for what they want to do with their lives and, apparently, get shot in the face for doing so.  I mean, aren’t they attending Trailer Park Community College (TPCC)?  I’m pretty sure the “degree choices” is VCR Repair and CD Walkman Cleaning.  Pick one.  Catelynn wants to become an Adoption Counselor and with the same bad hairdo as Dawn from “the agency” so she gives her a call right then and there to see what degree she should be getting.  Do you need a degree to picket abortion clinics?  I was not aware.  Either way,  Cate dials up Dawn with her gross fake Lee Press-On finger nails.  It looks like she placed both hands in the hole in April’s bathroom and that’s what her hands looked like when she took them out.   Basically it was the color of Butch’s skid-marked-underoos.  Was that not clear?

Later Cate and Ty get a “letter” from Brandon and Teresa.  They always say “letter” but it’s really just an email.  Teresa basically G-chatted them.  I’m sure the subject line was, “B*tch, leave us alone!”  Teresa is pretty much just rubbing things in their face now.  She’s like, “iCarly is doing great.  She may be only 2 years old but she already knows she’s better off living with us. P.S., she wears bows in her hair now.  P.P.S, we have a lot of money, we could have technically bought your baby instead of you just passing her to us.”  Fine, part of that was made up.  The bow part was true.  I think it’s great that iCarly sports hair bows just like Husky Kitty.  As the old saying goes, “Like biological mother like better off daughter.”  After the fun email, mini April and baby Butch  have to go to that God-forsaken Adoption Group meeting that Dawn seems to have 6 days a week.  It’s like, adoption is great but this series is about to end so it’s ok to “do abortion” sometimes too.  Every time Catelynn goes to these meetings she always finds some Stage 5 clinger.  This time around some blond chick keeps asking Catelynn to talk to her and “counsel” her and then is like, “Can I have your phone number?”  Why?  It’s not like Catelynn is going to adopt your baby.  If I was there to help I would just always say, “Papa don’t preach” and hope they would get the message. Also, there is no shortage of free pizza at these meetings so the local homeless should stuff some towels or, you know, balls of tinfoil up their shirt and go get some food.  Just for fun, towards the end of the meeting go into the bathroom, remove the towel from under your shirt, and then come out and tell Dawn you found someone on the way to buy your baby.  You’ll all be squealing with delight before the last slice of pizza is gone.

Meanwhile, Kim is on “Red Alert” because she found out that Tyler is taking some time off from VCR Repair school.  She was in such a huff she just grabbed the first shirt she could find and headed over to the trailer to discuss.  I was content, of course, knowing that she was sporting a grey cardigan that had the picture of a golf scene on her boob area.  Not to be outdone, Tyler is really committing to his Michael Jackson black fedora.  He was really just only missing the glove, which I’m sure is stashed somewhere around the trailer.  Kim is going to set up a dinner with her “work friends” because apparently they gave Kim advice when she was going to school even when her own school wasn’t sure what degree she should go after.  I mean, really.  No one in that neck of the woods seems be able to master the difficult task of “choosing a degree.”   Jesus, pick anything.  Either way you’re only going to W2 no more than $10K anyway.  And Catelynn seems to think that college is like buying a used car.  She keeps telling people that “they’re only going to tell you what you want to hear.”  Really? I’m pretty sure “college” isn’t trying to scam you.  If they said, “Those bows look great!” then I’d think you were onto something.

In the end, Kim and Tyler attend that fancy dinner with Kim’s co-workers who can help Tyler figure out what degree he should get.  In honor of this special occasion, Kim is decked out in a Marsha Warfield all purple suit.  Is she a pimp on the side?  One may never know.  Everyone is in awe of that one chick at dinner who has a “double masters degree.”  They looked at her like she should run for president.  Not for nothing, but I’m almost certain that a double masters degree where they’re from is basically just completing two weeks of Community College without dropping out.  Either way, she was helpful and told Tyler that he can keep his degree as Home Economics (?) and still work with “the youth” when he is all done with college.  Even Cate gets to keep the degree that she wanted so that she can one day intern for Dawn.  They’re still not going to go back to college until the winter, but they claim they’re really going to go.  If they wait long enough maybe iCarly will be in class with them!  Fingers crossed.

Maci – Had a yard sale.

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Episode Rating:  2 Opposite Yawning Ryan’s and 2 Opposite Crying Farrah’s

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