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I know I’ve said that Gary and Amber were basically the Roseanne and Dan Connor of our generation and, well, they basically do live in Lanford, but as time goes on I think I’m going to start to elevate them to Ross & Rachael status. I mean, when will these two get together already! This episode Amber is starting to get the feels for Gar Bear again and how can you blame her? He’s almost down to his birth weight, his head is so giant his hat pops off on the regular and don’t even get me started on his abundance of chins. He’s a real dream come true for any girl and, if science is correct (which it always is) obesity in the mid-west is a problem…but only for those of us in the more progressive states, not for the obese person in question. Either way it was like old times watching Gary and Amber co-parent Leah and I was so happy to see her go off to her first day of school! I was mainly happy, however, because I’m most certain the school lunch plan alone will potentially save Leah’s life, since she’ll no longer be able to have Twinkie soup and jelly donut stew for lunch anymore.
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While Ambjikistan and Gar Bear were driving around in Gary’s oversized Pathfinder (Nissan is piiissed), we get to witness Gary starting to tickle Amber in the car. They both squeal with delight and I, too, smile because I’m just happy with any form of exercise these two can get. I say that I was watching this show eating a sub and taking Tums for the heartburn. Leah, on the other hand, looks like she’s not having it at all. She’s like, “who the hell is my mom and why are people filming my mom basically getting to second base in the front seat.” I did let out a chuckle when they were leaving the school supply store and random strangers were watching them and Gary just says explains it away by stating that people want to “watch Gary film scenes for Teen Mom.” Good for him. I want to know which chin he stores his confidence in!
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You know who I can’t put my finger on? Gary’s girl Kristen. What’s her deal? I want to say she seems normal, but I do question her choice in who she decides to bump uglies with. Do we assume she has to do all the work or, like, does she just sit on it and flip through a magazine until the 1 minute and 14 seconds is up? THIS is what the American public wants to know, damn it!
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Oh you know what else I loved? Gary’s “family dinner.” Is it just me or every time I watch that family cook “dinner” I’m always super critical and thinking, “that’s why you’re all overweight.” Plus, what was Gary’s mom putting into that giant sauce pan? Was she just scooping mayonaise into a pan or no? And were they all eating slop for Sunday dinner? And why was he serving it via a measuring cup? I mean, it can’t be portion control. Regardless, Amber was stuck home sulking because she realizes that Gary has a new family with Kristen and Leah and there isn’t really room for her in that life. I felt bad. I kinda feel like all Amber films is scenes with Krystal Meth sitting on her couch or just scenes of her sitting alone on her couch looking out the window. I mean, this is riveting television. I was proud of Amber, however, for not beating the bag out of Gary after he kissed Kristen at Leah’s first day of school. And by that I, of course, mean “disappointed.” If it’s two things I want out of life it’s the following: (1) Amber to be the next Bachelorette and (2) Gary to either be on the next season of The Biggest Loser or a remake of The Swan where they basically just create a whole new Gar Bear. Who’s with me?
In other news, Hello Kitty and Tyler are going to find out if they’re having a boy or if they’re having a girl that can basically just take the place of Carly. But first things first. It wouldn’t be an episode without Tyler commenting on Catelynn’s weight and kind of fat-shaming her for gaining 20 pounds in her first month of pregnancy when websites state you should only gain about 5 (according to Tyler). Websites, huh? You believe everything you read on websites? Well I asked Jeeves and he said that in the first month of pregnancy a woman should gain upwards of 30 pounds or one “Gary arm” according to the Mayo Clinic. And, yes, I mean that Mayo Clinic. Helmans style.
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After much back and forth Cate and Tyler Banks decide to invite their friend over and post pictures of Cate’s baby bump on Instagram. They time it, hit send and then watch all the likes go through the roof. It’s nice to see I’m not the only reject who does the same. So, ahem, maybe you should all share this recap on Facebook with your friends so I can learn my self worth. Duh.
There was a scene, however, that gave me a case of both the sads and the happys. I’m of course talking about the “will you accept a collect call from…BUTCH!” God bless America! I also loved how they all shouted “Butch” at the same time. Is it weird that Cate’s like, “I love you Butch!” after he beat the bag out of her mom and is serving a 3 year sentence for that? I’m not one to judge. I guess a beating in middle America is like a hug elsewhere. It’s all lost in translation. Butch was all jovial and having the time of his life on the phone, as am I watching. Tyler asks him if once he’s out of prison (in the year 2088) if he plans on living with them. Butch legit says, “Now that’ll make great TV!” It’s like he knows! And, he’s right, it will! Tyler lets him know that he’ll have to get a job when he’s out and Butch explains he can’t find work so he’ll have to get into the porn industry and….wait for it…wait for it….call up Farrah to help him out. Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it! I’m not joking, if Butch promises to stay off the drugs and off the April then I would consider raising money so that he never has to work again, but will have to be ok with cameras following him around on the regular and maybe even poking him with a stick from time to time to see what he’ll do.
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The sad part, for me, came with it was Tyler’s little brother’s birthday. Nick, I believe. I’m not 100% sure what the relation is, but I think Butch pretends to be his dad. It’s like the most jacked up family tree ever. It’s Nick’s birthday and Butch sent him a card in the mail that…are you ready for this…he had another inmate draw for him in exchange for 5 bags of chips. I can’t. This is real. Like this actually is happening. He wrote a nice letter to Nick for his birthday and when Nick was done reading it he said, “I felt like I was going to cry, but I’m glad I didn’t” Then he and Tyler have an actual conversation about how many birthdays Butch missed because he was in jail. It made me feel blah. It was like we were witnessing the exact moment when someone gets f’d up as a child. I feel like Nick will be knocking over 7-11’s by his next birthday. Humph.
In lighter news, it’s time for the big Gender Reveal Party or the GRP as I can only assume Bruce Jenner will be calling it. Too soon? It is, of course, at a public park and quite possibly the same location that they passed off Carly to the nice white folks. April is like a school girl in heat over wishing that the baby will be a girl. Tyler wants the baby to be a boy and I, on the other hand, don’t care what the baby is as long as it comes out a different race than white and looking like Teresa. Just me? I feel like that could make for an interesting story line. Either way, the producers bring a pinata with a sting for them to pull and when (spoiler alert) pink confetti comes pouring out we realize that they’re having girl. April did a little jig and Tyler looked like he wished they were never pregnant in the first place….again. He’s going to ring up Brandon and Teresa and be all, “You want another one?”
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Oh, and Maci was in this episode too. Bint-Lee was going to his first day of school and Ryan couldn’t make it because he had to yawn constantly out of town and his dad was pissed over it. Unless these two plan on getting back together I’m less than interested in their scenes. Plus, when the heck does Backdoor Farrah come back?!?!
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