Farrah – A lot may be going on in Farrah’s life, but that doesn’t mean she can’t find the time to get a colonoscopy and visit Daddy Derrick’s gravesite (again) on camera. Because if it’s one thing we really need to know more about in regards to Farrah it’s her back door and how she looks when she cries. At this point I’m pretty certain we could all sketch both like it were a crime scene and, to be honest, it kind of is.
Our most favorite life-like Who from Who-ville, Debra, is there waiting in the wings will a cooler filled with fluids so that Farrah doesn’t pass out during her procedure. Of course Farrah eye-rolls Debra and lets her know that she doesn’t plan on fainting anytime soon…um…because that’s something most people plan for?! Since colonoscopies can be a real touchy and intrusive subject (literally) Debra decides to provide us a little comic relief by letting us know that when she had her procedure done she thought everything was fine and then suddenly four hours later, and I quote, she claims her a$$ exploded. Good for her. I guess that explains why she always looks like she’s clenching when she’s filming this show.
Per usual, I’m 100% confused and Farrah didn’t actually need a colonoscopy, but her doctor just told her to eat right and (probably) stop skanking her way to freedom. It’s basically a steeplechase at this point because Debra meets her in the parking lot of the doctor’s office to hand her “Easter-like” flowers so she can and Baby Goop can bring them to Daddy Derrick’s grave. Spring is in the air. The gravesite is the usual awkward mess it normally is. Goop is talking baby voice to the engraved stone and says that she really misses Daddy Derrick. It’s at this point that I actually wonder if the ghost of Derrick is giving her as much of the side-eye as I am right now. Oddly enough, Farrah didn’t ugly cry. We’ll get to that later. Oh, and is now the time I invite you to follow me on Instagram? You should…I have a picture with Snooki so there’s that. Click here!
Later Farrah and Goop swing by a restaurant to meet up with Daddy Derrick’s family. They all look like they’re scared of Farrah, but still want to say on her nice side in case they need anything financially at some point….like a car. In fact, at one point the step-mother starts telling a story about how her car basically crapped the bed and she can’t get a new one because she got that car on the day when Daddy Derrick died. Circle of life, my friends. I was just waiting for Farrah to open up her checkbook and start writing…and I sorta kinda think they were hoping for the same thing too. Also, not to knock them (at all), but if I knew I were going to be filming scenes for Teen Mom (even just once) I would buy new clothes and look camera ready (read: not wear a faded out t-shirt. read: brush hair.) But that’s just me. Some people prefer a more natural look on “the television.” I mean, I brush my hair when I’m writing this and no one can even see me (except the ghost of Daddy Derrick I assume).
In the end, Farrah swings by Debra’s house (did I mention she’s back in Nebraska?! I wonder what happened?!) and she talks to her about Daddy Derrick. I think Debra is drunk because she keeps trying to ‘cheers’ Farrah with her wine glass and, per usual, Farrah naggingly reads her for filth. I’m still so surprised that there wasn’t an ugly cry at all from Farrah and I think she was surprised too. And then suddenly it happened. It’s like you’ll never forget where you were when you saw Farrah show true emotion to Debra. Debra busts out Farrah’s old baby book and has her read what Debra wrote about Farrah after she was born. Honestly, my guess is that she filled it in 5 minutes before they began filming but, alas, Farrah reads it, hugs Debra, and ugly cries into her shoulder. It was actually pretty nice. I was legit thinking at that moment, “I wonder if she regrets the porn?” #NeverForget
Catelynn – Hey did you guys know that Cate and Tyler gave their baby up for adoption like 7 years ago? Well they did. And you know what else? They’re going to talk about it every chance they get. Part of me doesn’t blame them and then part of me is thinking that they should put as much energy into talking about Butch and April’s wedding of yesteryear as they do iCarly. Regardless, this week Teresa rings up Cate on the ding-a-ling machine and (off camera) lets her know that she and her husband decided they do NOT want Cate and Ty to talk about iCarly, the adoption, or them anymore on camera. Well there you have it. We might as well fade to black because between that and Butch on the sober train for the past 9 months we’ve got nothing left except how to count Weight Watchers points and puffy leather couches. Ok, the puffy leather may be just enough for me.
Apparently Teresa was very stern on this (I’m half making that up) and so Cate decides it’s in her best interest to immediately tell the producer about the call and then talk about it for the remaining hour of the show. Makes sense. She legit spends 5 minutes telling the producer and the camera guy that Teresa doesn’t want her going back to tell the producer and the camera guy about the phone call that just took place. It must be Opposites Day here on Ye Olde Teenage Mother. At least I hope it is because then that means that Butch and April would get back together and then all would be right with the world.
It’s a little while later that Cate finally decides to tell Tyler about this because she knows he’s about to Z-Snap for days about this as soon as he hears and he doesn’t really disappoint. Cate has to call him as he and Butch are busy at work on their new house and trying to find new and innovative ways to make it stop smelling like rotten cattle live there. It was at this moment that I realized I wanted a “Butch Extreme Home Makeover” show where maybe Butch just dabbles again in crack and then make a wrecking ball destroy a house. Sure it would be the same thing week after week, but I’d still tune in.
To nobodies surprise, Tyler is upset that he can’t talk about iCarly and the adoption on camera every day for another 7 years. Suddenly he feels like he’s Maya Angelou and demands his voice be heard. But still, I rise. Anyway, I’m not going to pretend to know what they’re going through, how they feel, or why their walls are orange, but I always cringe when Tyler gets on his soapbox and explains how he sacrificed everything so that Brandon and Teresa could have a kid. At one point he basically says they’re raising his kid. Ugh, too much. I was a little surprised Dawn didn’t get a blowout and then immediately head over to give them a stern talking too. I hope Dawn messages me on my Facebook page like other random Teen Mom one-off people have. You should too! I actually feel bad for Catelynn a bit because she clearly doesn’t want to rock the boat with Teresa because she doesn’t want her to cut off all communication between she and iCarly. I don’t blame her. I wasn’t following Tyler’s point where he told Cate if Teresa made her paint her house tan, she would. But I’m sure there was something there. At least this was all preventing him from fat-shaming her for another week.
Amber – Every week I feel bad for Amber. Not really pity, necessarily, but I just think it must stink to have to deal with everyone in America (and some parts of Canada) who watch this show to think that Amber’s fiance, Sully, is pulling the wool over her eyes. Also, I don’t think I ever used the phrase “pull the wool over her eyes” before in my life, so that feels really good.
Amber is still saying that one of the reasons she’s postponing the wedding is because she’s never met anyone in his family before and he’s met everyone in hers. So it’s not so odd when suddenly Sully’s phone rings and it’s his cousin, Michael, that he hasn’t spoken to in over 10 years inviting him to come to Boston for dinner and so that he can meet Amber. Sure why not. The fact that they’re heading to Boston makes me (someone from Boston) overly excited because I can’t wait to see all the places they’ll go. I could not, however, imagine how much greater this would actually be for me.
First off, they head to Boston in this episode so we don’t have to wait. Second, they’re driving through Winthrop, MA which is the town over from where I grew up AND where I looked to possibly buy a condo right before I ended up moving to NYC. Third…and this doesn’t get ANY BETTER for me….Sully tells Amber (as they’re driving through it) that they’re in Revere, MA and that’s where his Satan-mother lives. I needed a minute. I am FROM Revere, MA! This, my friends, is officially the best day of my life. I need to find out who his mother is and if I know her. I’m praying it’s the lady who walks up and down Broadway with an empty upside-down KFC box on her head and tells everyone who passes her that that they’re going to burn in hell for not refilling her bucket of chicken. I mean, I really pray it. Also, this just makes things so much better for me because I know that one I day I WILL meet Amber and we’ll get to chat and I’ll get to bring up Revere, MA and we’ll both squeal with delight and be life-long friends. You guys, the Universe really does work in your favor. I KNEW Kim Zolciak was onto something!
Phew. That was a lot. Anyway, Amber and Sully get to meet his cousin Michael and his wife at their home. Everyone seemed pretty nice…even though the cousin’s wife looked like she thought she could catch teen-pregnancy just by being in the same room as everyone. I mean, you can’t, right? I don’t know all the rules. The “Matt isn’t the worst” tour continues and they drive through Winthrop talking about how Matt/Sully was a legendary track star in high school and they finally end up on a whale watch where Sully takes some pictures of said whales and references that they too just want to be on MTV and are probably looking for “catfish.” It was a decent joke. I can’t hate on him for that. It was the kind of joke where you don’t fully laugh, but you kind of just quickly breathe air out of your nose and make a little sound. You know the kind.
Maci – Knew she was knocked-to-the-up from last week, but found out this week she was basically 8 months pregnant already. Way to know your body.
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