Teen Mom Finale Recap: Blue Raspberry Slut Puppies

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Well folks, here we are.  Like Farrah’s life when Debra grabs the butcher knives, all good things must come to an end.  So for one last time, let’s see what Amber, Farrah, Maci, and Catelynn were up to on last nights crapisode of “The One Time Unprotected Teenage Sex Actually Paid Off, Literally.”

Amber – Amber hasn’t had a lot of time to attend her out-patient therapy, what with all the sitting around and crying in the fetal position and all.  I’m sure she doesn’t even need therapy.  She seems very well adjusted and not at all like she’ll be soon serving actual jail time.  Therapy is for people who like to complain.  At least that’s my motto.  My therapist says it’s a nice motto.  Anylashes, since Amber isn’t in therapy, taking care of Leah, going to get that pesky (pole) GED or, you know, actually contributing to society it only makes sense that she’s been able to focus on her dating life.  And has she ever!  Enter Mike.  He may or may not be on “the drugs” as we speak.  I’m also not convinced that he’s not just Amber’s dealer and they’re both too high to realize that there are people following them with cameras and boom mics.  Apparently Mike has never had Italian food before so Amber is sure to take him to the finest Italian cuisine in Lanford’s most high profile strip mall.  I’m sure it’s directly next to the Lunch Box.  Obviously.  Whilst at the restaurant Amber is telling her new boyfriend (or boy toy as Gary likes to call him) all of her troubles, including such word gems as “court” and “giving up custody” and “battery; domestic.”  I’ll assume that kind of battery is better than international?  I don’t know.  I don’t hit people.  I do kick pigeons, however.  I’m kidding.  I feed them Pop Rocks and Coke and then I just watch.  Oh, and I love how every time Amber is at a restaurant on a date and she starts eating she’s like “Mmmmm this is SO good!”  Is it?  Is it really?  I mean there’s wood paneling behind you, I can see the parking lot in the background, and I’m almost certain it’s just Chicken Noodle Soup.  Pipe down.  No literally, put the pipe down.  Amber starts telling Mike about Leah and he says that even though he hasn’t met her yet he’s sure that Leah is just like Amber.  Yeah, a friggin maniac.  Seriously, is this guy just part of the camera crew?  Come on MTV, the show is over…you can tell us now.

Meanwhile, since Amber is now dating Mike, Gary and his flesh-color-slim-fit-hyper-color-t-shirt is just going to throw Leah her own birthday party.  Gary’s MILF is literally choking from her own fitted sweat-shirt with what I can only assume is a family of geese on it.  So hot.  As Leah is blowing out her candles I notice how much combined obesity is sitting around that table.  Dear Lord.  If anyone exhales Leah is going to lose an eye to a flying Levi’s 501 Blues button.  Amber can’t seem to understand why Gary is having a party without her, especially because she’s now dating someone else.  Yeah I can’t piece that puzzle together either.  After Gary hangs up on Amber and tells her he’ll never answer her calls again he ends up, well, answering her call the next day.  But this is when it turns into “On a very special episode of Teen Mom”  because the sad music is playing and Amber is sitting along, curled up, and crying while they just, you know, film her and junk.  She calls Gary and asks to have Leah for the day and when Gary denies her request it turns into an episode of Bad Girls Club.  Obviously, Gary is the chick with the big rack.  Duh.  Gary sends his love to Amber by calling her a whore and then really spices things up by calling her a “slut puppy” for having a new boyfriend.  I used to like those blue raspberry slut puppies.  But, like a traditional slut puppy, they really tend to lose their flavor after just a few minutes.  I mean, these two are screaming at each other.  Amber is shaking and screaming claiming that the court will never give custody of Leah to Gary.  Uh, if they have eyes and know how to Google things they’ll definitely give custody to Gar Bear.  At one point, Amber starts to hyperventilate and slowly falls over like it’s nappy-poo time.  Awww so cute.  Crying sleeping Amby-Pants.  Awww too much Ambien for Ambien.

I have to admit, some of this crap got sad.  When Amber and Gary were walking paw in paw into court so that Amber would sign over custody of her daughter I thought, well that blows.  It’s like can’t she just stop beating the bag out of people and then CPS will go away on their own?  It’s not like they like watching Amber or anything.  That’s out job, as Americans.  In the end, Amber heads home and Destiny’s Child arrives to comfort Amber, but it was Destiny’s Child who was in need of comforting.  Her eyes were filling up and on two different occasions she legit looked like she was going to hurl.  I’m not sure why she’s so sad.  I mean, it’s 11:30 and da club is jumpin’ jumpin’.  In the final scenes Amber throws a little party for Leah, in which just the two of them make cupcakes and then eat them.  I tell ya, you put anything to slow music and it really sucks the life right on out of you.

My Amber Prediction – She’ll shank some b*tch in prison and spend the rest of her life there.  Gary, of course, will still be a bastard.

Farrah – I’m not sure why this entire episode needed to be 1.5 hours, as nothing really happened.  However, since Farrah basically had a late-in-life abortion she’s able to do all sorts of fun things to boost up her resume like taking a bartending class.  Don’t worry, it’s not a waste of time or footage since we get to see Farrah learn how to ask if someone wants an olive or lemon twist in their martini.  She’s now officially qualified to work the afternoon shift at the Olive Garden. Ole!    Also, since Farrah doesn’t have any friends and is sans life (like me) she drags her neighbor to her apartment so they can sit on the couch and Farrah can tell her that Sophia used to really cheer her up when she was sad about Derrick and so, therefore, she misses her.  I mean, I always thought Baby Goop was a child but evidently Farrah thinks of her more like a  My Little Pony doll for her own entertainment.  Eh, let’s face it she is.  It’s one of the last times we’ll get to watch Farrah sitting on puffy leather and giving us her best “ugly cry” that MTV’s money can buy!  Personally I liked the way she seemed to try to pull her hat directly over her head and somehow around her neck.  Had her neighbor had a mallet it could have turned into Whack-a-Mole.  Speaking of which, in 3 years I don’t think I ever referenced Farrah’s mole.  Well what do you know?!  Didn’t we almost have it all…

Later Farrah checks in with Baby Goop and Debra and we learn that Goop is all hopped up on candy eggs.  Farrah seems less than pleased with this knowledge, which is weird since she’s always such a ray of sunshine.  Meanwhile, she has her classmate come over so they can work on their homework together, which consists of making a fortune cookie canoli.  Don’t worry, it came out as horrific as it sounds.  It literally cracked up the middle, exploded on the sides, and canoli was everywhere.  To sum up, it looked like Farrah’s “gentlemen greeter” post the birthing process.  They end up having to take a picture of it so they can send it to their teacher.  Is this for real?  I would have just found a picture of one online and sent that.  I would have also sent a little strip of paper that said “Your Lucky Numbers are: 5, 14, 27, 25,29.”  I would have also told the teacher that Ni Hao Kai Lan gave me the recipe.  Any other stereotypes I missed?  Think I got ’em all.  Anyjunk, the recipe must have been a success because Farrah got all A’s in all of her classes.  Apparently she really does appreciate art as much as she should.  I wouldn’t be surprised if Farrah gave up her fortune cookie to some of her other teacher as well…if ya know what I mean.  I’m talking about having sex with them for grades.  Cool.  And I loved when Farrah called Debra to let her know her grades and then got all pissed off when Debra couldn’t hear what she said.  She rolls her eyes and is like, “I got all A’s mom….God!”  She also is a Grade-A b*tch, but that goes without saying.

Farrah makes it back to Florida to scoop up Goop and spend a little eye-roll time with Debra and the rest of the crew…sans Michael, whom I can only assume is chained up naked in the basement and down 50 pounds.  At the airport Farrah did seem happy to see Sophia, but turned into a modern day Pinnochio by telling her sister that she was so overcome with happiness that she started crying.  Uh, really?  Every time you lie your boobs grow, Farrah.  She should write a song about that.  While having dinner with her sister and her sister’s underbite we learn that some schmuck proposed to her.  We’re left to believe she wasn’t going to marry him.  That would have been a good lead-in question but, per usual, Farrah made it all about herself and said that if any guy proposed to her she’d just say yes no matter what and work on their problems later.  That seems like a healthy thought process.  Of course she starts to ugly cry (for the last time) when she talks about Derrick proposing to her and then her giving him the ring back.  I’m sorry, but had this guy been alive there is no way they would have been together.  Also, had he been alive he surely would have just ended up killing himself anyway.  I mean, it’s a miracle I made it through 3 seasons of this without kicking the chair out from underneath me.  Anyway, as Farrah cries Sophia chimes in that she’s a big cry baby and then at one point she tells her she’s a bad person.  Seriously, Sophia is not only officially the smartest person on this show, but quite possibly in all of Nebraska (where they give out Executive MBA’s with the purchase of a large iced coffee and dozen donuts).

In the end, Farrah ends up taking Sophia back to Florida with her and tells Debra she won’t be coming back that often now that she’s enrolled Sophia into art class.  That was sweet.  I’m sure with Farrah’s booming music career this isn’t the last we’ll be seeing of her.

My Farrah Prediction – Sex tape with Michael.

Catelynn – Since there are Halloween decorations in the background it only makes sense that Cate and Tyler start shopping for school supplies for when they start college in 3 more months.  Trust me, Teresa and Brandon aren’t watching and I’m sure they couldn’t give two Shasta McNasty’s if you two go to Double-Wide University or not.  Anyway, April and her forehead stop on by to see if Cate and Ty will watch Nick for her for the weekend so she can have some “alone time.”  Is that code for “meth binge” or “carving a vibrator in the shape of Butch’s mullet?”  One may never know.  What we do know, however, is that April is still on the poor-white-trash-chain-link-fence about divorcing Butch or not.  She knows she should, but she still loves the bastard.  For the 10th time they all discuss Butch’s admitted love for cocaine over his own son or wife.  Yawn.  I mean, this is the same conversation we’ve all had with our parents at some point, right?  Had Butch been released into the wild he would have kidnapped iCarly and turned her into a Mexican drug mule at this point.  Ole!

Now here’s something none of us knew anything about.  Evidently Tyler has these huge anger issues?  Uh ok.  Tyler is yelling and screaming when a can falls over and then later when Nick’s dog take a sh*t on the floor he starts legit screaming and kicks the dog out of the house trailer.  He was like that chick from the Stanley Steamer commercial when she screams “Toby!” like someone is brutally murdering her.   I actually squealed with delight when Ty was yelling, “I said git!  Git!  Git! I said git!” to the dog.  This causes poor Nick to start crying.  That poor bastard has been crying for 3/4s of his life.  And you totally know he saw Butch ride April’s head into the bathroom wall like she was the god-damn Polar Express for cripes-sake.  Why is Ty Ty so angry?  I was sure there would be a z-snap in there somewhere, but sadly there wasn’t.  He decides that he needs therapy.  I hope it’s filmed.  Oh.  It is.

Once again, I have to admit that this therapy session actually got kind of sad.  Through the miracle of his therapist, Tyler learns that his anger comes from fear and his fear resides because he thinks Butch is going to choose death over life and he’ll die without ever loving Tyler.  Aww that does kinda suck (like Kim at “ladies night” on a Friday night…wink wink).  Tyler was crying and the therapist looked bored.  The whole situation really blew.  I don’t know what I would do if I learned that Butch didn’t love me.  I just assumed he did.  And I could care less if he loved coke more than me.  Hell, I love Barb Evans more than him so, well, we’re even.  There, I said it!

In the end, Ty decides to write Butch a “goodbye” letter and he and Cate read it on the top of some mountain at sunset.  Uh, ok.  I’m pretty sure this is the same mountain that the Von Trapps used to escape those meddling Nazi’s many year ago.  Fine it’s not, but I like to pretend it was.  It make it all the more fun.  And if I thought for one second that Butch had the ability to read, I’m sure he would have found Ty’s letter very touching and sobering.  I mean, not sobering in the whole “I’ll quit booze and drugs” kind of sobering…but the other definition.  I don’t know all the definitions.

My Catelynn Prediction – She’ll end up chasing waterfalls well into her 30’s.

Maci – Goodbye forever.

Well that’s that.  It was fun whilst it lasted and was more torture than you’ll ever know. I kid.  It was worse. Join me on my Facebook page so we can remain friends until April and Butch get their own spinoff!

Episode Rating: 4 “Dead to Us” Butch’s

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