It’s the season finale of Teen Mom OG. How could it already be over? It seems like the season just started 72 weeks ago. Alas, here we are. Thanks for reading, sharing with your Facebook friends, and helping me to continue to sell out each and every week! Let’s get to it.
Farrah – I guess Farrah and Debra are still at odds with each other. Who knew? I thought they were getting along swimmingly and only threatened to use the trash-claw on each other if absolutely necessary. Simon is kicking around town still helping the Big F with her IKEA of the south store and he’s chatting up Debra about them going to see Dr. Jenn (read: Dr. Drew with a girl wig) and Debra agrees they need to all communicate better. She is, however, gushing over her own “doctor boyfriend” who she said is smart and calm and it looked like she was about to go to town on herself right then and there. I have a feeling he’s going to want to invite Farrah into the bedroom for a little doctor visit. I’m guessing.
I don’t want to oversell this, but it’s really the moment I’ve been waiting for for quite a while. It’s finally time for Farrah to meet Debra’s boyfriend in person. If I were her I’d give him all kissy faces and be like, “Oooooooo you like my mom, you dirty little bird you!” And then I’d high-five myself, slam down a glass of wine and start chanting “Yankees suck!” all whilst I am, of course, mimicking the chicken-dance. But, I mean, that’s just me. Maybe Farrah has other tricks up her sleeveless sleeves. Who am I to judge. Anyway, Farrah and Simon head on into the restaurant where Debra and her boyfriend (who let’s all just assume is Kenny Rogers in the flesh) are anxiously waiting. Debra’s boyfriend is named David, but I’ll only refer to him as Kenny Rogers from here on out. From time to time I may call him “Peter Griffin ‘playing’ Kenny Rogers’ but that’s really my call.
Farrah basically sing-whines her way into the room in the restaurant where Debra and Kenny Rogers are waiting and when Farrah goes to shake his hand he just starts hugging her. And I mean hugging. She was sort of turned halfway away from him, but he just kept going for it and hugging her…for, like, a long time. It was creepy and you totally know that’s just how the naughty-no-no-touching probably went down back in the 90’s. When he glanced down at her rack I was waiting for his eyes to bug out like a cartoon and start making honking sounds and that “Arrrruuuuuuggggga!” sound that you totally know which one I mean. Farrah is so shocked by the hugging that she awkwardly laughs while it’s happening and just says, “Oh you’re hugging.” Still stunned after the hug she ends up just shaking Debra’s hand like she met her for the first time right then and there. So much dysfunction, so little time.
More: These Jeans are Breaking the Internet (No They’re Not)
We learn that Debra and Kenny Rogers met on the internet (apparently it was the one time the Craigslist Killer was on sabbatical) and Simon thinks that Kenny Rogers really brings out the best in Debra. Kenny Rogers ends up disagreeing because the way he sees it is that Debra is “always the best” but she’s just “under so much stress” because of how people treat her and talk to her. As he’s saying this “Brooks Ayers-like” speech, I started laughing because Farrah legit just chugs down her entire glass of wine. I realized this is the first time (ever) Farrah made me laugh. I guess it just takes 7 years for you to warm up to someone.
Kenny Rogers confesses that he’s watched Teen Mom and says “ugh!” whenever someone is beating up Debra. Farrah rolls her eyes and responds by actually saying, “What do you mean in regards to beating her up or what up or down up?” No for real, that’s what she said. I would have been like, “Uh 3 of those things don’t make sense” but I digress. Kenny Rogers and his feathered perm explain that he just doesn’t like the negativity and Farrah explains she can’t control the negativity to which Kenny Rogers says, “Ah, but you can because you are the one who says it.” She tries to say something back, but he ends up just saying, “Take a pause and think.” I stood up, slow clapped, and Irish-gigged my way around my apartment for what seemed like hours. In reality it was upwards of 1 second. Either way. Farrah just awkwardly shakes her head back and forth and just says, “God bless us all.” So, that happened. At this point if Debra and Kenny Rogers don’t bust out into “Islands in the Stream” I’m going to be pissed.
Kenny Rogers keeps up his “truth tour” and decides to tell Farrah she was wrong to pick out her own engagement ring. She starts to defend herself and then the ugly cry comes out to play. She gets up to leave and he LITERALLY won’t stop hugging her. It’s like a giant bear hug and I’m not kidding. It’s so in her face that she’s ugly crying and saying “don’t try to change me” as she is almost in a full backbend. Gross all around. In other news, remind me to listen to “The Gambler” on Spotify later. Thanks.
More: The Best Smelling Body Sprays EVER
Later, Farrah and Simon stay at the restaurant to debrief on the insanity of what just happened, but Farrah kind of gives Simon an attitude and Simon basically says that Kenny Rogers made her cry and then gave her a hug and a kiss. They both seem confused by having two different conversations at the same time and I’m confused listening to it. All I do know is that Simon said that he gives it two months before “Debra gets got.” Are the kids still saying that? It’s hard to keep up.
In the end Farrah and Debra head to Dr. Jenn’s house of horror to work on their communication. Dr. Jenn tells Farrah she suffers from entitlement issues and she starts to slowly ugly cry all whilst Debra cries an high-pitch talks…and then weird editing happens. So same/same.
Catelynn – I’m pretty sure they filmed these scenes like 5 days ago because everyone is on the lookout for Butch these days. Sadly, we know by now that he’s been in the slammer-lammer-ding-dong, but Cate and Ty are Face-timing him to remind him to call his probation officer because time is running out. Next thing you know, Tyler gets a call from an unknown number so, you know, he ends up answering it and oddly looks at the camera and then steps outside. I mean, we all knew who it was by now, but I was still kind of hoping it was Brandon and Teresa on a three-way call (assuming they were both in work at different locations and calling in) letting Tyler know that they’re ready to give iCarly 1.0 back to them in exchange for the phone number of April’s upper leg tattoo artist. Unfortunately, no dice.
Tyler comes back and and just lets Catelynn know that Butch is back in jail and, lifelessly, Catelynn just goes, “Why?” like she was responding to Tyler saying his favorite color is off-white. Ty is pissed and says he doesn’t know, but that Butch missed his probation appointment for the first time since he’s been out of jail. They both look like they think it’s drugs and, well, we all think it’s drugs so let’s just go with “because of drugs.” Although I feel like someone Facebook messaged me that it was driving with a suspended license or something like that. I figured maybe it was for “Operating a human rat-tail without a license” but I think my guess was wrong too. Oh well, what can you do?
In the end, Cate and Ty head on out to Maci’s wedding so, well, the recap portion of the is over. See you next season!
Amber – I really actually like Amber, I have to be honest. But here’s the thing. I’m not loving the fact this season that she’s spending a lot of her time with her new house and buying herself a new body and not spending as much time as possible with Leah. Maybe she is and we just don’t see it, but I want Amber to buy a new body, a new house, and have full custody of Leah. I also want Sully to head back to Boston and just call it a day. Maybe Amber can give it a go with Dr. Drew. I’m just spitballin’ here, but I think I’m onto something. Or maybe I’m just on something. Who knows. Anyway, Amber is all nervous to get her 10,045 surgeries all in one sitting because she’s never done anything like this before. For real, where does Amber get all this money from? I mean, good for her for sure, but it seems like she has waaaay more than any other Teen Mom. Maybe her prison time put a higher price on her head? Good for her. Send me some money so I can buy a new body too.
More: Which is Your Favorite Perfume for 2017?
Matt is staying busy by shooting the cover of his book. Ugh. Amber jumps into the photo-shoot to help and they kind of hug against a tree while Sully gives the middle finger. Again, I mean good for him for getting a book deal, but couldn’t he have just covered everything he wanted to in, like, a two paragraph Facebook post? You know, something real vague and passive aggressive? Oh, and why does everyone keep asking Amber about her “Mommy Makeover” and why won’t she tell anyone what that entails?! I’m confused by life.
I’m bored. So, in the end Amber is in bed days after surgery and her arms are all bruised so I guess I don’t really understand what a “Mommy Makeover” is at all. Do they just admit you into the hospital and then punch you in the upper arm area? Oh and she has newer and higher boobs so there’s that. See everybody wins and by “everybody” I mean “the terrorists.”
Maci – Did marriage.
