If Gary Doesn’t Wear His ‘Dad Bod’ T-Shirt to Farrah’s FroCo Grand Opening, Then Life Isn’t Real

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Farrah – It’s almost the grand opening of FroCo and the poor girls who have to work the counter are now being trained by Farrah on all things social media and how to take picture of ice cream cones.  Seems like she missed the part where she tells them they’ll get more ‘likes’ if they accidentally do porn.  Simple mistake.   I’m sure she’ll catch it next time.

In order to celebrate this momentous occasion, everyone takes Farrah out for a nice dinner.  All of Farrah’s friends are there like Baby Goop, Debra, Michael, and Michael’s girlfriend Amy.  They’re toasting Farrah and all of a sudden Amy just goes, “I really do love you Farrah!”  Pour this frizz-puff of a woman another glass of wine because I think she just might be my favorite person at the table/in life.  Baby Goop passes out at the table since, you know, wreaking havoc on unsuspecting people all day is taxing on the mind and body.  So now it makes perfect sense for Michael to bring up Farrah’s old porn career.  It was like the magic word because everyone basically just yells, “Jesus, Michael!” at the same time.  Debra chimes in and just says, “Well anyone who judges Farrah for that is just plain ridiculous.”  I mean, really now?  I have to say I’m loving this dinner.  Amy can’t stop smirking, Michael can’t stop saying the word “porno” and Farrah can’t stop saying that if it wasn’t for her, her parents wouldn’t be as good as they are.  I guess she has a point.  If it was for Farrah I’m sure Debra would have never (allegedly) pulled a knife on those cops and then, in turn, got arrested and secured an additional season of Teen Mom.  It’s a real full-circle moment.

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I’m glad that we live in a world where Farrah refuses to remove her FroCo sunglasses.  Ever.  If you ever wanted to know what Slimy the Worm from Sesame Street looks like with Yeezy shades, well, wonder no longer.  Simon is ‘helping’ Farrah by ‘working’ in her ‘store.’  I mean at this point shouldn’t this whole recap just all be in quotes?  Farrah is being a super good boss to Simon and we know this by how she yells at him and belittles him the whole time, especially when he’s eating ribs in the back room.  For real, what could Simon see in her?  And more importantly have we ever noticed Farrah joke with anyone ever before?  In the history of ever?  She just barks out orders to people like a robot with a fat lip all the live-long-day.  I just want to see her tell a joke just once.  Also, bonus points to MTV for not really intro’ing Simon back into the episode, but instead drawing him arriving in a hot air balloon.  At this point they’re just like, “F it.”

I also loved how during the grand opening Farrah was still Snapchatting a “behind the scenes” with everything that was going on and, literally, the store was empty and Simon was just texting on his phone. I’m not on Snapchat as I believe that’s the devil’s work, but I am on Instagram.  And if you don’t follow me there it really does break my heart because I write all of this crap every week for you. Pay it forward!  Anyway, even the Chamber of Commerce dude was looking around like he knew this location was just about ready to turn itself into a Super Cuts by the coming month.  Farrah told him that she plans on taking the frozen yogurt industry to a whole new level (read: porn) and eventually go international because there are already people in CA and NYC who want to  franchise it. Is that international?  I’m not great with the map.  The Chamber of Commerce guy was just like, good luck with that.  I do, however, think Farrah is right and it’s time to bring frozen yogurt international.  Those poor people overseas must still be eating warm yogurt.  See how good we have it here?  USA! USA! USA! USA!

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In the end, Farrah’s grand opening was a huge success.  I don’t know.  All I know is that there was a long line of people, Farrah had those giant scissors to cut the ribbon and she and Debra were wearing silver sparkly gowns like they were both Barker’s Beauties on the Price is Right.  Also, F-off for judging my age with that joke.  Everyone had a great time, especially that kid that side-eyed the camera as he was walking into the store.  You know you saw him.  Plus, Baby Goop was singing what I can only assume was Satanic Spirituals into the microphone.  All in all, a good time was had by all and Farrah didn’t ugly-cry once.  It was a real let-down for me.

 

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Catelynn – You know what’s not fun?  Mental illness.  You know what’s worse than mental illness?  Hearing that Butch was arrested again just the other day and spent some time in jail.  Yes, that wasn’t in the episode last night, but being reported and discussed here.  So sad.  I hope we can all collect enough money to free him from the slammer-lammer-ding-dong.  Anyway, Cate is still suffering from a case of the “puffy couch sweats” and Tyler is exhausted by her behavior.  Look, I think it totally stinks like Butch’s old prison rat-tail that Cate is struggling with this, but she can’t fake it and pretend she’s ok once in a while in front of the cameras?  Maybe that’s my ignorance, but I what do I know?  I’m just a self diagnosed tool.

Anyjunk, Cate is proud of the fact that she hasn’t had a panic attack since she came back from the hacienda in Arizona so it only makes sense that in the next scene all of my dreams come true.  First of all, Cate is with Nova and her friends at a pool party at April’s house.  I’m going to pause for a second and let that sink in for a spell.  You good?  Also, April is…wait for it…wait for it…in a bikini frolicking around the above-the-ground.  I’d say “good for April” looking that good in a bathing suit and being a grandmother, but then I realized she’s basically 30 so, still, good for her, but not really.

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The pool scene was so odd because they were basically playing creepy music and almost shooting scenes in slow motion.  I’m not joking, it was like that scene in Erin Brockovich where Julia Roberts tells that mom that her family is so sick because of the water and then she goes running out to the pool to tell her kids to get out of the water immediately.  Just me?  Outside of that mental image, Cate has a panic attack whilst playing Marco Polo and has to leave baby Nova at April’s house right away. She needs quiet and some front-seat-cigarettes, STAT!  When she calls Tyler to tell him he basically eye-rolls it the whole time and is like, “Enjoy the couch, trash.”

Luckily, Cate has her appointment with a legit psychiatrist that Dr. Drew (Mike Pence) found for her.  She needed to wait 6-months to get the appointment and, well, she’s running late so she heads into the office regardless and…

Welp, that appointment went well.  Cate comes back home after her ‘appointment’ and tries to teach iCarly 2.0 to say iCarly 1.0’s name like she’s a parakeet.  Wait, she isn’t is she?! I wish.  I’m sure Brandon and Teresa are psyched that all this is taking place, by the way.  Someone who isn’t psyched right now is Tyler.  We know this for two reasons.  (1) He’s sulking and (2) his bangs curled.  Must be the heat.  Cate seems shocked that because she was only 18 minutes late for her appointment they canceled on her.  Tyler looks like he’s about to pack up all his knit hats and pleather zip-ups and move right on out of that house of horrors.  He also tossed a little shade Cate’s way by saying she couldn’t get up on time because she’s hits “snooze” too much.  I have to admit I agree with him on that.  I never understand people who always hit snooze and then are late for things because they say it’s too hard to get up.  I say when your alarm goes off, physically stand up. It’s pretty hard to go back to sleep when you’re walking to the bathroom.  But I digress and digest all at the same time.  Cate says she feels like a failure and can’t do anything right.  Agreed.

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Amber – I’m loving everything about Amber and Sully taking Leah back-to-school shopping at that boutique they took her too. First off I was like, this ain’t no (ai-not no) Walmart that Gar Bear is going to take her too.  Second off, the woman with the bleach blond side ponytail who was tanned to the nines really made me miss Jersey Shore, but she was still a national treasure in my eyes.  Anyway, Leah is picking out all her clothes for school, although I think Leah is confusing her first day of school with celebrating her quinceanera.  Someone spellcheck that for me.  Ole!  Sully is in charge of “paying” for all these clothes and apparently the outfits totaled $900, which is awesome on so many levels.  Seriously, prison was the best thing that ever happened to Amber’s bank account.  Also, when they dropped Leah back off at Gary and Kristina’s and Amber said how much the clothes cost, Kristina had a look on her face that totally said, “My entire life didn’t cost $900…and why am I always mid-rash up and down my arms?”  I assume that’s what her face said.  I can’t be entirely sure.

Later, Kristina gives Leah her “first day of school” present which was a lunchbox.  She looked like she was already giving up by the time Leah was opening everything up.  Then they asked her what she wanted to wear to school on the first day because apparently it’s too hot outside to wear the clothes that Amber bought for her.  They kept saying things like “The clothes are heavy.”  Yeah that’s called c-o-t-t-o-n.  I mean, evidently if it’s not a polyester-spandex-cotton blend they have no idea how to wear it.  Leah ended up picking out the pink shorts that Kristina got on clearance for $4.00.  That’s a great deal.  I wonder if the skid-marks come with it.  Also, I think it was super planned ahead for Kristina to happen to pick out cheap shorts and be sure to tell the price so it can make Amber look like she’s a braggy-bragerson.  Either way, $4.00 shorts will tear into 4 separate pieces the second Leah starts to hopscotch her way to freedom.

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Lucky for us Gary is wearing his famous ‘Dad Bod’ t-shirt on Leah’s first day.  Amber is pissed that they’re not dressing Leah in any of the clothes they bought, but all I care about is that Gar thinks that raging obesity = ‘dad bod.’  Math is tough.  I especially loved it when Gar picked up Leah after school and asked her if she liked going over to Amber’s house and then said that Leah shouldn’t feel left out because he takes her to the movies and do things she likes to do.  Leah then just goes, “I like getting up early.  You should try that.”  Read.  For. Filth.  It was awesome, really.  She should have been like, “I like overall good health an and daily hygiene. You should try it, Kool Aid man!”

Maci – Ryan wore a rainbow outfit to pick up pieces of a tree in his yard.

 

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