Teen Mom 2 Unseen Moments: Barb in a Bathing Suit Officially Completes My Life

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Jenelle – What scenes could we possibly have missed this season with Jenelle?  I imagine it’s scenes like Jenelle and Barb skipping in the meadow or Jenelle doing 30 minutes of Flash Cards with Kieffah.  But, alas, my guesses are wrong.  The “unseen moments” of Jenelle are just pretty odd overall.  For example, we actually see Jenelle interacting with Jace and, dare I say, feeding him?  Where is Barb during all this?  I’m sure if the camera panned out a bit we’d see Jenelle surrounded by hundreds of Teddy Bears with “nanny cams” attached to them and Barb watching each and every move she makes all whilst she’s cutting honey ham sliced thin and scooping out 2 pints of that nasty potato salad that never tastes as good as it looks.  I mean, it needs more mayo and, well, everyone knows that.  Where the hell was I?  Ah yes, Jenelle is feeding Jace and she ends up calling Jace’s father, Andrew to talk about his plan of signing over temporary custody to Barb.  I’m surprised she could even get in touch with him.  Isn’t he supposed to be some successful model in China?  Oh, he never made it as a Chinese model?  Oh.  Jenelle also takes this time to brag it up to Andrew about what a great mom she is now because she is not only feeding Jace food (to survive), but she also has her own car.  Why does she always brag about that car?  She’s always like, “I have my own car, I’m doing really well.”  Yeah, no.  We can see that car that you have with these things that the medical world likes to call “eyes” and I’m not quite sure if you should be talking up that “sweet whip.”  More on this later.

We also get to learn about Jenelle’s sexual history and it’s as wonderful as it sounds.  Apparently she hasn’t had a boyfriend in 7 months and she hasn’t had sex in 6 months.  I’m not great at math, but it sounds like she’s had a one night stand after Andrew so let’s all just assume that Grandpa Mike got frisky one night when they were all high/high yaw both high.  However, don’t feel sorry for Jenelle because she lets her friend know that she can pretty much get sex any time she wants.  Big deal.  As long as I have hands, so can I.  Too much?  But don’t count Jenelle as the town slam-pig because she’s really looking for a relationship and not just sex.  She actually discusses how she’s looking for someone who has goals and is a real go-getter…like her.  She knows we can hear her, right?

Later, times get really tough for Jenelle, Kieffah, and the camera crew for her high rated television show so she’s forced to go to a food pantry that Barb recommended.  I mean, who recommends this sh*t?!  Here’s the deal with this scene that pissed me off, there are people who really need to go to a food pantry and it’s not supposed to be for 2 potheads who have the munchies and can’t hold down a part-time job because they feel the need to drive to New Jersey.  And, not for nothing, but where does Kieffah think he’s going to cook this food?  He lives on a grassy knoll on the side of a dirt road.  Sure there’s a busted stove just a few feet away, but I always assumed someone just abandon it there.  And Jenelle is missing the point of the food pantry.  She keeps saying things like, “I don’t like mushrooms, I don’t like spinach, I don’t like lettuce.”  Yeah, you’re not doing a food order and browsing up and down each aisle.  You’re supposed to be desperate for food.  In the end, they walk out with a cart full of food and Keiffah actually says that it’s the best place on earth.  Great, now he’ll never try to get a job.  And Jenelle seems to love it too.  She actually says, “They have, like, name brand food!”  Um it was “Jiffy” muffin mix that Walgreen’s has on sale every Sunday in the paper for like 10 boxes for $1.00.  Yes! Name brand muffin mix!  All of a sudden Keiffah is the King of England.

Just as I found myself almost falling asleep, suddenly it happens.  I see Barb’s name spelled out on the screen in big bubble letters like they do with the actual “Teen Moms” and there we have it…Barb is…wait for it…wait for it…wait for it…I can’t.  She’s at the beach and in a green polka-dot bathing suit with matching green hat!  We get to experience a lot of Barb boob so it really is quite the treat.  I don’t want to oversell this, but this is the best day of my entire life!!

Barb is with her bang buddy, Mike, Mike’s one tooth, and Jace.  They’re talking about how peaceful it’s been since Jenelle has been out of the house and then Barb makes  a statement that made my ears squeal with delight.  She says, and I quote, “I really thawwt for a while theaaah, Jenelle was startin’ to step up. She thinks I don’t unduhstand what she’s doin’ BUT YOU KNOW WHAT (yelling it),  Jenelle is like my clone.  I was a paaaahty girl just like her.  I’ve done it, been there and that’s why I’m after her because I know she’s on the road to destruction.”  I actually stood up and applauded once she completed these sentences.  Had I had roses I would have thrown them at my television.  The thought of Barb being a party girl is actually more than my little brain can handle.  I envision her doing keg stands, giving handies under the bar, and Jersey Turnpiking the sh*t out of guys at “da club” like Deena from Jersey Shore.  I also can almost hear her saying, “YOU KNOW WHAT, I’m doing another shot because I know one day I’m gonna be  staaaaah!”

Barb’s scene concludes with a giant wave coming up to her chair, causing her to make a run for it (full FUPA in action) and yelling at Mike saying, “Whoa whoa whoa whoa, I told ya, Mike, my phone is in heeeeah.  Ugh, right in the wataaah!”  God bless you Barb, you crazy son-of-a-little-b*tch-of-a-daughtah!

Jenelle’s unseen moments end with her car basically exploding on the highway.  She and Keiffah are driving to God only knows where and her car starts making a ton of noise.  This makes her nervous, but she continues to gun it up the highway and suddenly her tire pops.  The best part of this was Kieffah’s reaction.  He reacted like he just got shot by the cops.  Oh, and all of a sudden she hates her car?  She was just bragging about it to Andrew on the phone in an earlier scene.  And for some reason, Kieffah seems to think that she can get a new tire for $40.00.  Sure that’ll happen.  Jenelle decides that she’ll instead get her car fixed at Walmart because, she says, they’ll fix it for cheap.  Barb must be able to get a majaaah, majaaah discount!

Chelsea – Since Chelsea and Adam have such a healthy and adult relationship, they figure their next most logical step is to adopt a cat together.  It’s interesting because Chelsea already lives with a big pussy who lays around and sleeps all day so it was surprising that she’d want another one in her house. Hey-oh!  That shelter looked horrible.  Jenelle’s food pantry actually looked nicer.  Aubree was loving the cats, but more because her parents were basically just throwing her into them.  At one point she just falls over onto a cat who looks like it’s about to claw her face off.  Safe.  I hope they choose the cat that’s more orange than Chelsea’s facia bruta.

Not much else really happens with Chelsea.  Go figure.  However, we do get to go along with he whilst she gets her wisdom teeth taken out.  Isn’t Randy a dentist?  I’m sure he’s going to just do it in her garage and will probably motorboat her rack while she’s under anesthesia. However, she goes to a different oral surgeon and gets her teeth ripped out in about 5 seconds.  I’m sure Karma just punched them out of her mouth.  The next time we see Chelsea she has her face all wrapped up and she looks like Lynn from Real Housewives of Orange County after she had her face-lift.  And, well, she’s making about as much sense as Lynn too.  Chelsea ends up getting wheeled out of the office in a wheelchair.  Really?  That happens to no one.  You walk out with, you know, your legs.  Unless pulling out her teeth somehow made her push a baby out of her “gentlemen greeter” there was no need for the wheelchair.

After “major surgery” Adam has to go to the pharmacy to pick up her pain meds.  Uh, do they just let some random person pick up someone else’s highly addictive and “sellable” Vicodin?  The real comedy ensues when the pharmacist is asking Adam if Chelsea has insurance and he has to call her in the car to ask her.  She keeps trying to tell him she has Medicaid, but he has no clue what that is or what she’s saying.  In the end he should have been like, “What did you say?  Are you giving me permission to cheat on you?  Great, thanks, bye!”

In the end we’re forced to watch a scene where they fight over which movie to watch that night and Chelsea is pushing for The Notebook because she says, “It’s us” but they settle on watching Joe Dirt because, in reality, that’s them.

Kailyn – Hooray because Suzi is getting some additional camera time and it looks like we caught her on not her best day.  She’s freaking out on Kail  because apparently while living in her house Kail went out with her friends and didn’t tell Suzi who she was going with or what time she was going to be home.  She actually tells Kail, “Being an emotional mess gets you nowhere.”  She would know.  Although, I disagree.  Being an emotional mess got Suzi to be one of my top three picks in this show (Barb, Suzi and, of course, Crunchy Curls).  Suzi also says that Issac will always have a stable home with her there in the house…yeah, seems safe to me and not at all like Suzi is about 1 meth binge away from licking the title and smashing her head through the microwave door.

We definitely kick things up a notch when all of an F’n sudden we’re watching Jo in “the studio” rapping.  Let me say that again.  Jo’s rapping.  He’s a rapper.  And to make things worse, Dr. Drew (who is hosting this show for some reason) actually says, “rap skills.”  I was red with secondhand embarrassment.  While Jo raps, Janet should be booty dancing in the background. In fact, Janet should be booty dancing in the background of every scene…of every show…on every channel…on every television..in every country…in the entire world.  Jo is making me nervous with the the “rhymes he’s spittin.’ He should rap, “Yo, I’m a supporting character on Teen Mom, what, what.  I’ll bust a cap in Suzi’s ass.  Ya heard!”  Actually scratch that, I want to keep those lyrics for my rap that I’m working on.  What?  I’m working on rap.  Jealous?

Other crap happens that bores me to tears, but then there’s a scene where Kail starts brawling with Jo’s dad who’s just sitting in a rocking chair that’s facing another rocking chair in the garage.  I assume the rocking chairs are facing each other because that’s where Jo’s dad and Janet have their nightly “stare-offs.”  I think they’re fighting about Kail having a new boyfriend and she’s trying to convince him that Jo cheated on her too but she never told anyone that before.  I actually have no clue what they’re fighting over because I am in complete shock over the dad’s voice.  It’s like the perfect heavenly mix between Bobcat Goldthwait, Kermit the Frog, and Ray Romano.  Plus, with the acoustics in the garage I was hypnotized by the voice.  I bet if Suzi could bang Jo’s dad she would.  She’d be like, “Pull my Kate Gosselin hair and sing ‘It’s Not Easy Being Green,’ b*tch!”

Leah – Hey y’all it’s Leah.  All this crap is a yawnfest.  While Leah and Corey were broken up we were forced to watch them hanging out with their friends separately.  The only thing good about this entire segment was Corey’s friend he was hanging out with at the local bar.  Apparently Jersey Shore has infiltrated West Virginia because this kid was like a mix between Vinny and Pauly D.  I mean, his eye brows were waxed within an inch of its life and he was rocking some jacked up fade.  So we see him looking like a traditional guidette and then he opens his mouth and I basically just heard banjos playing.   It would be like if all of a sudden your Tickle Me Elmo doll had the voice of Nell Carter.

And then, it happens.  Leah is ready to ask her sister to be her Maid of Honor.  Her sister is in the other room and Leah keeps calling her.  Her sister finally comes out of the room and says, “Were y’all’s callsin’ me?  Sorry I was hairsprayin’ my hair” and then she takes her hand and slicks down her bangs.  It was like that scene was totally for me and we aaaaalllll know it.  Her sister is so excited to be the Maid of Honor as she mentions about 5 times in 2 minutes that she needs to go tanning.  Yeah, we know how that turns out.  I mean she also tells Leah, “Now I’m your Maid of Honor and it seems like just yesterday we’s wuz muddin'”  What in the holy sh*t sticks is “muddin'” supposed to mean?  It’s like there are so many words I just don’t know about.

Later, Leah and Corey are having some lame fight over how long Leah gets to sleep each night and Corey starts dropping F-bombs and looking like Fire Marshall Bill in heat all whilst having a seizure.  Leah immediately starts doing Farrah’s ugly cry and Corey starts yelling at her for that.  You should never yell at someone for doing Farrah’s ugly cry.  That’s art for some people and by “some people” I of course mean “me.”  He should dry her tears with part of the puffy leather couch.  Me gusta “the poors.”

In the end, Leah takes Corey to get a pedicure aaaaaaand I’m done.

Well folks, I think we’re officially done with Teen Mom 2.  I heard that the first Teen Mom (with Farrah, Maci, Amber, Gary, Butch, April, etc) is starting in June.  It shall be a summer to remember!

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