Teen Mom 2: Um. The Walmart Deli is OFF LIMITS!

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Jenelle – It’s finally Court Day for Barb’s little b*tch of a daughtah, Jenelle!  Will she go to the slammer?  Will she scissor her way to freedom in honor of Blessed Mother Amber Portwood?  Kieffah seems to really care and we can tell that because he’s slurring half of his words together.  Truth be told, who knew he knew so many words!?  At one point he just says, “Like you going to jail today?”  It’s as if he’s asking her if she’s picking up some groceries at the Supermercado.  That’s Spanish for, “Pharmacy.”  Yup, just checked it.  It is.  Ole Senor Kieffah!  Jenelle is a little nervous if she gets drug tested because she is so hooked on marijuana cigarettes. Seriously, pick up a tougher habit like Nicorette or some junk.  The good news is that Big J stopped smoking pot 2 weeks ago so she should fine.  Phew!  Per usual, Jenelle goes into the court house (she should get her card stamped so the 10th trial is for free!) and we see the “1 Hour Later” sign.  Fast forward…she’s free!  She won’t have to trade her mouth for cigarettes in the slammer.  Gary is charged with being on Teen Mom and I’m pretty sure that’s about all.   Oh, and Jenelle’s lawyer is wearing his father’s suit.  So there’s that.  I bet now Jenelle can finally focus on being a mother to Jace…whom I believe will be turning 22 this year.

Well the black cloud keeps following Jenelle.  And she even has some bad luck too.  Sadly, we must learn that after not paying her rent for one month she is being evicted.  Kieffah can’t seem to understand why the landlord (Mr. Firley) never knocked on the door asking for money.  I mean, this ain’t the projects, Special K!  I jest I assume my tax money pays for the projects but I could be mistaken.  Also, I know nothing about where my tax money goes.  Social Security?  Who knows?!  I write about Teen Mom it’s not like I’m a government math scientist or something.  Kieffah is all bummed out that the landlord will take “their” security deposit, but luckily he claims he has enough money from “my pipes” to pay for a new place.  If by “new place” he is referring to the “grassy knoll” then, yes, “the pipes” can afford that.  No WiFi though.  Oh, and the might as well cross off apartment complexes on their “wish list of horror” because Special K said he knows no place will take him because he’s a convicted felon.  Now that’s racist!  Wait, is that was racism is?  Because, I mean, I’m pretty sure a racist is someone who, like, races for a living.  No, yeah?

By the way, why isn’t this show just 60 minutes of Barb interacting with society?  Just when you think you can’t love this beautiful beast of a woman any more than you do, she really dials it up to about 12.  Of course I’m speaking about when Barb heads over to Jenelle and Kieffah’s crack den to show Jenelle what her son looks like.  This poor kid doesn’t have half-a-chance.  I can’t tell if his white t-shirt says, “I’m single” or “I’m for sale.”  Sadly I kinda hope it says, “I’m for sale.”  At least a nice family of beavers could potentially take him under their wing.  Wait.  Either way, summer time and the livin’ is easy.  Barb grew her (god-damn) haiaaah out a bit and is sporting a beautiful blue (of course) summertime dress.  Her sleeves say, “I could gain wait and there would still be plenty of room.”  Apparently the casa de crazy smells like crack, coke, weed, meth, heroine, and a half-falling out Mirena.  In other words, it smells like Jenelle’s wrists and left ankle.  Barb calls them out on the smell and Big J tries to make it seem like it’s just the smell of trash.  Oh please.  Like Barb doesn’t know the common smell of garbage?  I mean she lives in it and dates it.  Sorry Pirate Mike!  Arrrrgh.  Quickly the conversation gears towards paying the damn rent and Big J still hasn’t paid it.  Suddenly Barb is at her absolute finest.  She kinda starts chanting about Jenelle and Kieffah, “Since you got together it’s like the same thing, Deja Vu.  Same way.”  How that isn’t already a ringtone on my phone is a national tragedy.  At one point she’s doing a little “time-out” hand gesture followed by what I will only assume is “off sides, 5 yard penalty…repeat first down.”

Next up, the fight commences and at this point Kieffah is still in abesntia from the conversation.  Jenelle and Barb are screaming at each other at the top of their poor lungs the way I would assume Roseanne Barr and Sam Kinison would do it on the regular.  Jenelle was one octave away from the standard, “Ow! Ow! Ow!” at the end of her sentence.  Now, we know that math may not be Barb’s forte but evidently drugs isn’t either.  She’s telling Jenelle that she won’t get Jace back because she’s too busy “buying kilos of weed.”  Jenelle quickly lets her know she doesn’t buy kilos and Barb is like, “Oh, well, whateva they aaaah…pounds of weed!”   She was adorable, easy, breezy and beautiful.  But one thing we learned from aging contestants of America’s Next Top Model, is that beauty eventually turns ugly…as does this screaming match.  Kieffah’s name is brought up as the source of all problems and then the unthinkable happens.  I’m going to need a minute.  Ok I’m ready.  They attack Barb for both her age and her occupation.  They actually say, “Why are you 60 years old and working in a deli.”  I can’t.  Then Jenelle says, “You’re a deli person who’s going to work at Walmart for the rest of your life.”  I began to hug myself in hopes that Barb would somehow feel comforted.  Plus, I mean, they totally stole my blog jokes for the past 2 years so, well, there’s that.  In other words, hurtful.  And it’s even too hurtful for a hashtag.  Barb begins to actually cry, but then musters up enough energy to give Jenelle the middle finger and say, “Well F*** you!”  Per usual, Jenelle pulls the whole, “Well guess what?  I’m gonna take my son and run away and never come back!”  I mean, is that a promise?  Plus, can you really run away when you’re 21, not living at home, and on a television show?  It’s like, we can still see you, stupid.  For real, run away via Bobby and Cindy Brady in the Grand Canyon and let some Native American dude feed you franks and beans out of an empty flash light.  Best wishes with the mercury poisoning.  I hear that’s a real b*tch to shake.

Things get real boring real quick so that can only mean one thing:  Drug Run!  High-Five…literally.  But, like my 6th grade teacher once told us, ‘Drugs, it’s 15 seconds of heaven and a lifetime of hell!”  Even as a little 6th grader I was like, “Prove it!”  Shockingly she didn’t think it was funny.  Anyway, later that day Jenelle has the “post drugs blues” and is crying and shaking and saying she’s so mad and bored and has nothing to do.  Special K can’t seem to understand why she’s so upset because he’s got $70 in his pocket and they’re not sleeping in the front seat of the Accord.  It’s like a Honda commercial all of a sudden.  I thought they bought their drugs in bulk like a Cosco, but after Jenelle locked herself in the bathroom and could barely shove down her pain pills, Kieffah agrees to go to this magical place called Willmington where drugs must grow right off the trees!  He’s such a good boyfriend.  I hope Jenelle doesn’t burn the roast like she did with Gary or this could end up with an accidental walking into the door again!  Mmmm roast.

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Kail – Stamp your Bingo card and take a double shot of Pitocin because we just heard the “phrase that pays” which is, of course, “We have to go to court ordered…”  It doesn’t even matter what.  It’s just court ordered and it’s spectacular!  Of course it’s usually court ordered therapy due to anger and the like and this time is no different.  Kail has to start up her court ordered therapy because she and Jo played a little game of “Eat yo damn’ cake, Anna Mae!” in front of Issac.  Sadly, it wasn’t in front of the cameras.  What?  I need some new violence to watch after the big let down of a Bald Bull TKO on Mike Tyson’s Punch Out. Kail’s really with-it and smart friends want to know what they’re going to teach her in therapy and she explains, “They want us to learn to communicate instead of throwing punches.”  I mean, this is actually happening.   Javi doesn’t think therapy works (voodoo, I’m sure) and Kail doesn’t understand why if people know she has a temper why they even mess with her.  This is a match made in white trash heaven (i.e., Jersey…ohhhhh!).

Later, Kail is busy setting crayons on fire that are glued to the side of her house (um, ok) and Javi comes home from work and is ready to have a nice debate about how he doesn’t think therapy is real.  He knows it actually is a thing though, right?  Kail tries to explain that her brain is wired differently than his because he can not punch strangers and, well, she can’t.  Javi is confused why she was never like this during the first 6-months and suddenly is now.  Aww young love.  So cute.  Of course the first 6 months everyone is on their best behavior.  After that the real people show themselves and sometimes that includes pooping, drinking to much, potential nose picking and, of course, hard core farting.  In Kail’s case toss in some punches and you have yourself a recipe for disaster.  After Javi keeps saying that therapy isn’t real Kail makes him walk away because you can tell she’s ready to totally Amber-out on him and kick his television right down the stairs.  I wasn’t sure why she just didn’t walk away but something tells me it has to do with the melted crayons dripping off the side of the house.  Is this like paper mache for the poors?

Stamp your Bingo card because we just got 4 seconds of Janet bending over up the stairs!  It’s like sometimes I only want to live in a world where Janet acknowledges me and accepts my offer to knock over a 7-11 for a 30 pack of Bud Light Lime and trade them for a 12 pack of Stella.  I know you guys don’t get my relationship with Janet but our friends think we’re opposites, falling in and out of love.  They all said we’d never last.  Still, we manage to stay together.  There’s no easy explanation for it, but whenever there’s a problem we always work it out somehow (uh, work it out somehow-how).  They said it wouldn’t last, we had to prove them wrong.  Cause I’ve learned in the past that love will never do without you.  So, you know, it’s like that.  Was that not clear?

Anyjunk, Kail and Jo head out to therapy which I’m almost certain is up in Nana’s 3 family house.  Their therapist may or may not be in the beginning stages of hair plugs, which makes me sad because he knew he was going to be on camera so he could have put a kerchief on of some sorts, you know, like he’s in the bread line in the Soviet Union.  Is that still a place?  Kail immediately starts crying.  I thought it was because she realized therapy was in a borderline brothel, but I guess it was because she thinks that Veegina is trying to take her place as a mom.  Jo is afraid of the same thing too…and he’s afraid that Kail is going to move away one day.  Little does he know that conversation is taking place within minutes.

In the end, Kail sits on the front stairs of the therapy whore house and she and Jo have a rap-off talk about the future and how Javi is in the military and so they’ll soon be married and move to God-knows-where.  Jo, like the rest of the America, thinks it’s ridiculous and brings up a point I never thought of.  Since they’ve only been together for less than 1 year, how does Kail know that Javi doesn’t make porn?  Let’s just end on that note.  Actually one last thing.  If he does make porn and Janet is not in it, this blog is being taken down and sold for scrap parts.

Leah – Ugh.  So all of Leah’s scenes are really centered around doctor appointments.  How in the heck can I make fun of this?  I’ll have to get creative I guess.  Jeremy is busy laying pipe somewhere and can’t make the doctors appointment.  Luckily Corey could take some time off from building dams and go to support his daughter.  That’s nice.  My favorite part, however, is when Leah goes to her mom’s house for a visit.  Did anyone ever notice that the furniture in Leah’s mom’s house looks like it belongs in the Oval Office?  Very high society.  It’s like, is that genuine wooden legs and actual fabric?  Ohh la la.  4 more years!  4 more years!  4 more years!  Where was I?  Alilaquisitakahstah is trying to walk for the first time and, well, let’s just say that Lee isn’t being that supportive.  After she takes two steps and falls he keeps yelling, “she quit.”  Yeah I’m sure that doesn’t mess with her or anything.  Suddenly Dawn starts chiming in and saying, “No she’s just lazy.”  Um, are you two talking about the baby or each other because, well, these insults basically apply to anyone in the room right now…including me.  Finally after a little more practice she’s able to take a few steps and really walk.  That’ s great!  She even calls “daddy” to tell him the news.  He sounds like he’s taking a dump and the kid speaks more clearly than him so I have no idea how the conversation is actually going.  All I know is that I thought I heard someone yelling “timber!” in the background.  #BeaverJokes  #CleanOnes

They all need to travel 4 hours to Ohio to see the specialist.  Both Leah and Corey admit that they have no idea what this doctor actually does.  Way to Google sh*t, jerks!  And…in walks the doctor.  Now I’m not going to say that sub-titles are needed but if they’re good enough for Corey they’re good enough for Pat Morita.  He’s talking in detail about some muscle biopsy they may have to do and Leah and Corey both look like someone is yelling algebra problems into their ears.  Actual steam is coming out of Corey’s ears…and Leah’s privates.  Allegedly.  Actually, made up for sport.  Truth be told, I’m pretty sure this doctor is simply trying to get Ali to star in the next Karate Kid installment and, well, I think she should do it.  If she can wave she can chop.  That should be life’s motto for all of us.  I have no idea.

In the end (because this episode was heavily medical) Leah gets all sad because she’s finally going to eventually find out what is wrong with Ali and she isn’t sure she wants to know.  She calls up Dawn and while the twins scream bloody murder at each other Leah just cries on the phone and after 2 minutes Dawn is just like, “Well call me if you need me…bye y’all!”  More importantly can you believe next week is the season finale!  Wait, did I sound too excited when I said that!?

Chelsea – Is less orange today.

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