Teen Mom 2: The One Where You Have to Tell Your Mom You Was a Slut, Y’all!

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Jenelle – You gotta love an episode that kicks things off with a little b*tchfest between Barbarella and Jenelle!  Could they be fighting over the fact that they can barely afford their mortgage?  No.  Could they be fighting over the fact that Jace has ruined both of their lives?  Nope.  They’re simply fighting over where in the holy hell Jenelle’s pants are.  Apparently Barb has washed them for her and placed them somewhere but, ooops, she can’t seem to remember where.  When Jenelle asks about them Barb spouts out, “Shut yaw God damn mouf, Jenelle!”  Ahhh Barb.  Her sweet soft voice soothes my soul and makes my junk spring to life.  Am I sharing too much?  While she’s looking for her pants I’m shocked she’s hasn’t put out an A.P.B on her blue crusty hoodie.  I mean, I alone have already put a picture of it on every milk carton this side of the Mason Dixon in hopes that someone will see it and bring it back into our lives, like a modern version of Savannah Smiles.  As a sidenote, my sister and I used to watch Savannah Smiles on our VCR until the tape was about to bust.  Kidnapping always seemed like it was so fun and some real adventure in the countryside.  Oh Bootsie.  Moving on.

Jenelle, who I’m pretty sure hasn’t smiled once since her 16 & Pregnant episode 2 years ago, is under court order to not hang out with any of her friends who have pending drug charges or takes drugs.  That pretty much sums up everyone in her life…including Barb’s boyfriend, Mike.  Notice how we haven’t seen him in a spell and haven’t experienced anything Pirate-related in a while?  Not just a coincidence, my friends (oh yeah!).  She is, however, able to call her druggies on the phone and chit chat all the live-long-day like it’s a 1980’s party-line.  She, of course, calls Queen LaQueefer.  I’m surprised they don’t communicate via two tin cans and a real long strong that makes its way all the way to the grassy knoll.  Regardless, Jenelle decides that the best thing for her and her dirty lover to do is to break up.  Gulp.  I’ll give everyone a moment to wipe the tears from their cheeks and chisel away the skidmarks from their underwear.  It’s fine.  I’ll wait.  Ready?  Ok, Special K agrees that they should break up, but wants Jenelle to know that it will take “years” to get over her.  Hahaha.  Oh Keiffah.  Just by the one statement alone I know that “yaw high/high.”  You totally know that the second he hangs up he’s going to let that random chick on the knoll finish bobbing for apples in his lap.  Crab apples, most likely, but apples of some sort nonetheless.

Per usual, Jenelle is at her breaking point because she’s hardcore addicted to marijuana cigarettes.  For real.  Since she can’t smoke it (court ordered) for one year she’s pretty much ready to murder-suicide the piss out of Barb’s bungalow.  I mean, can you really be addicted that badly to weed?  Isn’t that sorta like my addiction to lime seltzer water?  Same/same.  Sure I can shank someone over it, but I’m sure I can stop at any time.  Either way, Jenelle needs to have a little sit-down with Barb to chat about all things addiction and realizes that she should probably go to rehab so she can finally get off the drug that can be legally prescribed to people with glaucoma, I believe.  Oh, and Joan Rivers.  You’re basically “hooked on the junk” that Joan Rivers has done on an episode of her reality show.  There are so many things wrong with that sentence.  Eh, circle gets the square.  Barb gets all misty-eyed when she talks about Jenelle getting her life back on track.  I’m sure she probably got a little misty in her underpants too because she’s finally going to get some much needed private time with Pirate Mike and his (wink wink) hook.  She’ll likely yell out things in the heat of the moment like, “Yaw a god damn animal Mike!”  and “Arrrrrg I love yaw pirate ways you tall drink of wataaah!”  And the like.

Jenelle is bricks and, therefore, needs to go see her lawyer multiple times this episode so she can figure out how the hell to go to rehab.  Not that I  think that rehab is a waste for Jenelle, but couldn’t she just shadow Barb at her job at Walmart for the weekend?  That would scare her straight, I’d assume.  You wanna slice deli meat in a blue shirt every day until retirement (which will most likely be at the age of 76 by the time Jenelle is eligible) you lil b*tch like Barb? Well then stop smoking pot!  At least kick it up to meth or something.  I mean, I wanna see a complete facial change by season 3.   I guess it makes sense that Jenelle did visit her lawyer about this whole rehab situation because apparently after a little time has passed, he’s got her a scholarship to a rehab in California.  I’m going to repeat that.  Jenelle got a “scholarship” to rehab.  Scholarship.  Does that exist?  Does this mean in return she has to play basketball for them or something?  I’m confused by most things in life, but this the most.

In the end, things get a little sad for Jenelle…and America, but mainly because Barb turns into a blubbering mess.  It’s just hours away from Jenelle flying out to California for her rehab stint and two things really stand out to me.  (1) Barb is dressed like a stick-ball player on the streets of Brooklyn circa 1945 and (2) why does Jenelle have some sort of cast on for a hot minute?  It’s never referenced.  Let’s just all assume Barb twisted it back whilst trying to make a citizens arrest.  My favorite part, of course, was how hours before Jenelle is leaving for “the ‘hab” Barb is celebrating with a glass of red wine.  She is legit so excited.  I bet she’s doubling down on Jenelle leaving in 4 hours and the plane exploding mid air.  When Jenelle has to say bye to Jace I thought it would be sad, but he was basically like “See ya, b*tch!”  Things got real when it was time to say bye to Barb and Barb just cries over and over again.  She says she’s going to miss Jenelle, but is certainly not going to miss the “dramaaaaa.”  Oh Barb, I’ll miss you!  It was great how this went from a typical episode of Teen Mom and morphed into a standard episode of Intervention, including the tearful goodbye outside of the cab with a lot of “bye’s!” being yelled from inside the cab when the person outside the cab can’t hear you.  Combining Teen Mom and Intervention was, clearly, the only direction to go in.  Me gusta.  Me gusta all of it.

Leah – Hey y’all!  I’m signin’ my divorce papers in bubble-letters, y’all!  Things get real and real quick when Corey confronts Leah right off the bat about a little rumor that he’s heard about her.  Apparently, Leah has a problem with her legs too, y’all!  She can’t keep ’em closed.  Someone dial up the geneticist because she’s might have some form of dysplasia of the vagina, y’all!  Ok, I’m done with the “y’all!” (y’all!).  Just 1 week before Leah got married to a real life woodchuck, she let another man set up shop in her vagiola.  She had sex.  And she did it with that kid Robbie.  You may remember him from Leah’s episode of 16 & Ouchies and also remember him from Leah’s first affair.  As Corey confronts Leah, she just keeps typing away on her pink cell phone with her pink (gross) nails.  Corey suddenly starts to cross-examine Leah by asking her brilliant questions like, “Was yous ring on y’alls fingers?”  And my other favorite, “Was you lookins at its?”  If I were Leah I would have been like, “Are you giving me a recipe for easy to bake blueberry muffins because I have no clue what you’re saying.”  Seriously, I’m buying a ticket to Western Vagina and packing a suitcase full of flashcards for this one.  We’re doing things like “2 x 2” and “Picture Association.”  We’ll get to things about “Subject/Predicate/Preposition” on the next trip.  However, Leah comes clean that she cheated on Corey a week before the wedding because she was “drunk” and Corey was “distant” and they were “fighting” before the wedding.  Way to put all the blame on the woodchuck and your six pack of Seagrams.  At this point, Leah is crying and morphing into our beloved Lauren Conrad with makeup and tears running all down her face.  She looks like a raccoon in heat, which is fitting because I’m pretty sure that after the divorce she’ll be eating out of the garbage like a raccoon too.  I’m kidding. Clearly, she’s already doing that.

After more crying and more ugly crying (see: Farrah) and saying that she never wanted to hurt Corey and she still loves him (and Corey crying all whilst keeping his mouth ajar the whole time) they end the white trash fight in the only way that white trash really knows…which is by asking, “So are you still going to move into the trailer with me?”  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it.  I literally shouted out, “YES, JESUS!” as soon as I heard that.  Sadly, Corey doesn’t know if he’s going to move into the trailer with his sex-crazed wife and needs some space for the time being so Leah and the babies are going to stay with Leah’s mom.  Leah’s mom thinks she’s staying there because the trailer isn’t ready yet, but she has no clue her daughter doubled-down on some ex-boyfriend dinky 7 days before she got married at the local VFW all whilst the camera crew from US Weekly was there taking pictures and, you know, paying them for all this.

Meanwhile, Corey is at home and having some sort of conversation with his look-alike dad about the whole situation.  I actually have no idea what they’re talking about because I can barely understand a thing they’re saying.  At one point I thought my TV was on that SAP option that happens from time to time.  I mean, MTV, if you’re not going to provide subtitles for “the poors” it’s going to be tough to follow along.  Corey’s dad thinks he’s making the right decision by not getting back with Leah (that whore!) and even offers up his own divorce lawyer to help out with the situation.  Eh, I guess that beats Googling for a lawyer which, of course, is what Leah has to do in a few more minutes.  Speaking of which, I love how Leah is telling her friend about cheating on Corey and her friend looks like she can “catch skank” by simply hearing this conversation.  Even through the conversation, Leah still pretty much makes it seem like it was all Corey’s fault.  I can’t wait for Dr. Drew and his Weeble hair to get a hold of this one.  Someone cue the “ugly cry” because it’s going to be happening again for sure.

Shortly after the conversation with her friend, Leah does finally hear from Corey again…but via text.  He won’t return any of her calls but is ok with communicating via short-easy-to-read messages which is fine with me because at least I can finally understand what the hell he’s saying.  Over text he ends up saying that he doesn’t love her anymore and he’s getting a lawyer.  Now we didn’t read the word “lawyer” but Leah said it out loud.  Actually she said, “law-yuh.”  Like it was two words.  “He’s got a law-yuh.”  At first I was like, is that an STD that Leah gave to Corey?  And you know what?  I just may be.  It. Just. May. Be.

Leah ends up having to spill the beans to her mom that she is basically a slut.  In fact, she basically had to admit to everyone that she was a skank this whole episode.  Put a cork in it, y’all!  The whole time Leah is on the porch telling her mom what happened, I can’t help but notice that she’s sporting a Kim Zolciak fright wig.  It’s like she’s all ready in hiding.  Her mom is actually pretty nice about the whole thing and hugs Leah after she tells her she had another mans bait in her tackle box.  But, per usual, Leah still throws Corey under the bus and says that they hadn’t had sex in a week and so Robbie was there for her…peniley, I suppose.  Her mom agrees that Leah also needs to get a “law-yuh” because she’s got to protect those babies!  In the end, Leah ends up Googling “law-yuh” in West Virginia and sets up a meeting to discuss the situation.  My favorite part is when she needs to tell the lawyer that she’s only been married for 6-months and you can actually hear the lawyer sigh over the phone.  Brilliant.  We learn that Corey has not, in fact, filed for divorce yet, but the lawyer ends up basically forcing Leah to file and so she signs the petition papers in typical bubble letters and cries her way out of the office.  She should give her kids up for adoption too.  That way she’ll have more time for “the banging.”  You know how that saying goes.  “If the trailer is rockin’….it was probably a FEMA trailer and is probably covered in asbestos.”  At least that’s how I think that saying goes.

Kail – I’m keeping this one short, as when MTV puts this show on for 90 minutes it makes me want to pull a Jenelle/Barb fight with myself in my apartment.  All we need to know is that there is a little love connection sparking up between the Cowardly Lion and Rizzo the Rat from the Muppets.  You see, it all starts because Jo wants to add a visit to Kail and Issac/Isaac during the week because his weekends are getting a little busy because he’s….wait for it…wait for it….take a shot of pitocin….wait for it…slap your own ass…wait for it…has a music video shoot coming up.  Hooray!  If this video doesn’t consist of Janet in “Hammer pants” with a Hypercolor T-shirt and big hoop earrings doing the Running Man for 30 seconds followed by the Roger Rabbit for 30 seconds I’m going to be bullsh*t!  And if any of you try to pretend Janet isn’t really Nenah Cherry, 20 years later, you’re sadly mistaken.  I mean, you totally know Janet was rocking the Buffalo Stance.  You know it, I know it, and Janet’s ‘stache knows it.

Jordan is all freaked out by these “during the week” visits and at first I couldn’t figure out why, but then quickly realized that Kail may have the same vaginal disease that Leah has.  She can’t keep things out of it.  Allegedly.  The flirting starts off slowly with a “feel my heart…no really, feel it.  Feel it.  Feel my heart.”  Last time I checked your heart isn’t down your underpants.  Maybe it is.  I’ll check.  Nope. It isn’t.  But I did find a penis down there.  It says hello.  Regardless, all this awkward flirting must be paying off because Jo has decided to forget about his appeal to pay less child support.  Seriously, Kail must have a magical vag!  Jordan gets pissed off that Jo is coming over during the week and Kail doesn’t ease his fears because she’s admitting that it does increase the chances that she’ll have feelings for him again.  That’s nice.  Gotta love these girls who grew up without a daddy.  Oh, and please don’t send me hate-mail.  I’m sure not everyone who grew up without a dad tries to find acceptance from all sorts of men, but I’m pretty sure that I’m right.  And that’s not based on statistics or studies.  Nope.  It’s just based on me reeeeaaaalllly thinking it so that must make a fact, right?

As a bonus we got to hear a snippet of Jo rapping via Kail’s phone.  Love it.  If I close my eyes I can almost hear Janet beat-boxing the sh*t out of it in the background.  God I love that woman.  Seriously.  Jo comes over one more time to spend a little time with Issac/Isaac and possibly dip his ding dong in Kail cup-o-milk.  You can cut the sexual tension with a knife (probably the one that’s in Jordan’s back) after they’re reading Humpty Dumpty to the baby.  Must have been all the times they had to read the word “Humpty” out loud.  In the end they put Issac/Isaac to bed and Jo asks Kail if he should leave and she says he can stay…and then they close the bedroom door!  Oh snap!  They must have successfully seen the wizard, but the Cowardly Lion certainly got some courage that night!  See what I did there?

Chelsea – Still doesn’t have her GED.

So.  Here we are again.  Why not join me on my Facebook page where all the fun really happens.  You know you want to.  Tell a friend.  Spread the word.  Click the “Recommend” button and let’s make this recap spread around the Interweb as much as Leah has spread prior to marriage.

More Teen Mom Fun:
I Ain’t Bath-ing No Babies!
When Bad Hair Happens to Chinless Teens
Cheese Puffs, the Walking Splints of West Virginia
Here Comes Corey Claus Right Down Trailer Trash Lane
Birthday Gifts from Barb
The One Where Everyone Gets Orange Sweaters
Welcome to the World of West Virginian Medicine, Y’all!
Season Premiere:  Jenelle and Barb Brawl on the Front Lawn, Ya Lil B*tch!
Let’s Talk About Teen Mom on My Facebook Page!

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