Teen Mom 2 Reunion: Guess Whose Mother Thinks Their Daughter Isn’t Lovable?

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What a new and innovative way for Teen Mom 2 to kick me in the nuts one last time by having a 2 hour reunion special.  2 hours.  2 hours?  Really?  I don’t even want to be awake at midnight on New Years, let alone for Ye Old Teenage Mother and Dr. Drew.  Speaking of Dr. Drew it’s nice to see that he really got all decked out for this television event.  Basically he had on a purple t-shirt and then someone forced him to put on a blue blazer over it like he was underdressed at a fancy restaurant and they wouldn’t let him in without it.

I love how at the beginning all the girls are just sitting on the couch together like they’re waiting to meet with the Principal for cheating on their Geography quiz.  They all look miserable and, well, colorful all at the same time.  Jenelle and Kail both look like they’re waiting to audition for a future installment of Twilight and then as we take a gander up the couch it gets increasingly orange.  Chelsea is less orange than normal, whilst Leah actually can’t get any more orange without being picked from a tree in Florida.  We’ll get to all of these girls individually in a minute.

Does Dr. Drew ever get a haircut?  It’s like his Weeble hair never grows, it just exists.  And I would please and thank you like for him to stop referring to all of us as ‘the teens at home watching this.” I’m 87 yrs old and, well, so are 99% of the people who are reading this.  And no teens should be up this late watching this reunion special.  I mean, they have school the next day and unprotected sex to have so, well, they have priorities and this isn’t one of them.

We kick things off with Leah, surprisingly.  I mean I don’t even know where to begin.  To say that she is orange is an understatement.  Burnt Sienna?  Possibly.  And nothing makes her look more terrifying than her white fright wig that she’s sporting.  She kind of looks like Maci’s slutty sister.  I was waiting for Bint-Lee to come running across the stage with Ryan slowly chasing behind him, yawning of course.  We end up learning only one thing from Leah during her interview and that is the fact that her mother, her mother’s crunchy curls, and her mother’s fried bangs (all three of them) wasn’t overly excited when Leah called to tell her she was engaged because apparently when they were broken up Corey was banging every other girl in town.  Leah says “dating” but she says it in air quotes so I think we all know that mean “doing the dirty with other girls who most likely say “y’all” whilst orgasming.”  After she spilled the beans she kind of looked off stage like she wasn’t supposed to say anything about that.

Apparently she was right because Corey comes out and snaps back that Leah did the same thing too when they were broken up.  Do you think when Leah is “bobbing for apples” on her suitors lap and she has crunchy wet curls she ends up getting her head stuck to said suitors crotchal region?  These are things I think of.  What?  Safety first.  Speaking of goons, Corey is sporting a real nice black t-shirt for the show.  Oh la la, I bet it was imported from the runways of Paris.  And with Corey’s white face and black shirt sitting so close to Leah’s white nana hair and Ernie-like face she actually is starting to look like she’s glowing.

I know that the main focus of the children has been with Ali’s medical issues (which doctors can’t seem to find an issue and she’s already starting to make improvements), but does anyone remember they have another kid? I already forget her name.  We’ll just refer to her as “The Other One.”  Even when Dr. Drew asks Corey what he wants for his kids in the future he says, “…I especially want Ali to be able to do whatever she wants.”  Then at one point Leah refers to her kids as “my child.”  Singular.  Although, most likely, this was just a grammatical error.  Oh and it’s good that they have Ali seeing three different therapists per week to help her with the issues.  I mean, I don’t want to compete but that’s 2 less therapists than I see per week, so well…

I wish Leah, Corey, their “child,” her mother, her father (wherever he is – I’m sure he’ll be in touch soon to collect some money), and her mother’s brother/husband all the best.  They are all great people and I’m honored that they would share their stories on national television.  They are better people than me as I like to comment on other peoples lives to make my own sad and pathetic life seem more interesting and manageable.  Oh, I should have prefaced this paragraph with “A Special Note to Those Who Will Be Sending Me Hate Mail.”

Next up we have Chelsea.  Pretty.  Chelsea only gets about 25 seconds of this segment to herself as we quickly learn that she is, in fact, back with Adam.  I don’t know why everyone is so shocked as Chelsea finds her own self worth in men who treat her bad and Adam has such an outgoing quick witted personality it was only a matter of time that Chelsea would fall for him all over again.  More importantly is every strand of Chelsea’s hair pinned in place?  I have to admit she looks better when she is sticking to just one or two colors.  In this case, those colors are yellow and orange.  So, well, that’s that.

Adam comes out onto stage dressed to the nines.  He’s another one that must have forgot he was going to be on television as he is wearing ripped jeans, flipflops, a polo shirt that is 3 sizes too big for him, and a backwards baseball hat with sunglasses superglued to the brim.  It’s like he was playing dress up with my nieces before he walked out on stage.  We learn that Adam isn’t officially living with Chelsea, but he does stay there a majority of the time.  Technically, however, he’s not working, lives with his parents, and doesn’t pay anyone rent.  I mean, it’s like the personal ad writes itself.

What a real shame these two are.  They claim that they don’t fight as much as they did on TV and they’ve only broken up a few times since they’ve been back together.  Although they do admit to doing the “I’m done” faux-breakup every time they fight.  For those of you confused by the “I’m done” breakup this was originally coined by one Ms. Audrina “Teefs” Patridge whilst she was filming The Hills and would be “done’ with Justin Bobby-Socks on the regular.  She is a real trendsetter and national treasure all rolled up into one.

Randilicious waddles his way onto stage and actually brings a bit of excitement to this boring segment.  For example, he still refuses to speak with Adam and spills the beans that in the past Adam has threatened to kill himself the first time Chelsea broke up with him, only wanted to get back with Chelsea if she erased his child support payments, and then at one point demanded that she and her dad buy him a truck.  So for those of you playing along at home, “yes” he is back with Chelsea for all the right reasons.  Seriously, a truck?  How about clothes for a job interview?  A razor for his sideburns that technically stop at his chin?  Protein and free-weights for the strings hanging out of this shirt?  I mean any of the above would be money better spent than a truck.

Dr. Drew chimes in to teach everyone what a “cycle of abuse” is and, well, Chelsea and Adam are in the spin cycle of abuse right now.  See what I did there?  I used a washing machine reference tied to Dr. Drew’s reference to make a runny joke.  Sometimes I need to spell it out.  In the end, Dr. Drew strongly suggests that they both go to therapy if they ever want a chance of having a real relationship.  If they do go they should totally use the same therapist that Heidi and Spencer used because, clearly, that worked.  And I must admit I was a little disappointed that Megan wasn’t there to tell her side of the story or to show off her baby bump and, yes, I called it months ago!

Ugh! I can’t believe they’re going to make us wait until the end to get to Jenelle and Barb.  Well played, MTV, well played.  In the meantime let’s catch up with Kail.  We learn that the Cowardly Lion has moved into her own place (aka Teen Mom money finally kicked in) and is still going to college, working, and dating  Jordan.  Actually, before we get to Jordan, what season is this?  Is it winter, spring, or summer?  I ask this because everyone is dressed for opposite seasons.  Adam has flip-flops on and Kail is sporting winter boots up to her knees.  And then, well, Leah is orange in April so she must have gone somewhere exotic…like Wally.

Anyway, back to Kail and Jordan.  Jordan comes out on stage sporting some blinding florescent green sneakers.  No joke I had three seizures every time they would show the sneakers.  In fact, I’m seizing just writing about it.  As if things couldn’t get more strange we learn that Jordan has never had a girlfriend before and so his first girlfriend, Kail, not only has a child but is also on a television show.  Way to ease into it, Jordan, way to ease on in.  At least he’s stepping up and helping Kail with the baby.  I’m sure Issac will be working at Sports Authority by the time he can say “Would you like to save 15% on your purchase by opening up a Sports Authority credit card?”  And how tall is Kail for real?  Because Jordan is 6’6″ and sitting next to Kail he doesn’t look that tall.

After Jordan exits stage left, Jo and Janet come out for their segment.  I have to admit I know I’ve given Janet a lot of crap over the past season for things pertaining to an LC-like mustache, but it’s like I’m a little boy and have a crush on Janet so I pull her hair to get her attention.  Seriously, me gusta Janet (she knows what that means).  I know that people think Janet is a mess for letting her son treat Kail the way he does, but Jo is an adult (sort of) and Janet can’t be responsible for that.  That aside, me gusta Janet because she seems like good people and has some really good and level-headed words of wisdom.  And she has enough flavor that I think she’s ready at a moments notice to be a back up dancer for J Lo and, well, I’m almost certain she was a Fly Girl in the early 90’s anyway.

However, this segment isn’t all my obsession with Janet, but secrets are revealed like Jo banged some 25 yr old woman and Kail was half naked in Jo’s bed even when they were ‘broken up’ and she was living in Janet’s dungeon.  First off, you know you’re too young to have a baby when you’re referencing Jo banging a 25 yr old and placing the emphasis on the age like it’s so old.  I mean, F you, really.  Second, now I have images of a half naked Eeyore laying in Jo’s bed sporting one of Suzi’s oversized t-shirts and banana clips.  Oh, and I’m pissed that Suzi wasn’t part of this reunion.  Definitely a missed opportunity MTV.

The remainder of their segment consists of Dr. Drew making Kail feel bad for not being with Jo since he loves her so much.  I was confused that Drew was kind of siding with Jo to be honest.  I was waiting for Drew to say, “Kail, he hits you because he loves you so just be ok with that.”  While Jo and Kail did continue to fight throughout their segment Jo did say sorry for calling her a whore on television.  He literally said, “Sorry for calling you a whore.  You’re not a whore.”  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it!  Oh and I forgot to mention that Kail was definitely the Amber of this reunion as she cried the entire time.  Seriously, how’s your emotional breakdown on national television for 20 minutes?

Finally!  It’s time for Jenelle and Barb.  Hooray!  Jenelle may or may not be high/high during this entire segment.  We learn that Jenelle bailed Kieffah out of the slammer because she missed him and didn’t want to be alone.  Apparently the camera crew can’t provide her the love that she originally thought.  We also learn how Jenelle originally fell for Kieffah and it was his….humor.  No joke, she really said that.  I mean, sure he’s had some funny hairstyles and, well, his mug shot made me do that small laugh through my nose (you know the one), but I’m not sure if I look at Kieffah and think “intentional comedy gold” but apparently Jenelle does.  She is, however, currently broken up with him and feels very used by him for her money and her sweet ride.  It was also comical when Drew tells Jenelle that is appears that she’ll be with anyone in order to not be alone and points out the fact that Kieffah is homeless and a criminal.  Good times.  It gets better when Drew makes Jenelle look into the camera and give Kieffah a special message which is “F you Kieffah…you’re a douche bag.”  I mean, I couldn’t write that scene any better.  Although, I’m not sure that Special K will see this message as I don’t know if he has cable out there on the grassy knol on the side of the street that he usually sits at.

Finally Barb is about to come out on stage, but first we much watch her awkwardly hold Jace and wave to the camera in front of a giant Teen Mom sign.  I love how Jace has the same exact haircut as Barb.  Speaking of which, Barb is apparently letting her hair grow out.  By next season I expect her to look like Kyle from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.  Anyway, Barb is all dolled up for this reunion.  She has some fancy earrings in and is sporting a silk shirt that I’m almost positive has the same pattern as a portrait that hung in the living room of the Cosby Show.

Right off the bat, Barb seems kind of pissed off.  I wonder when this was filmed?  I’m guessing it was before the beat-down that recently aired on TMZ as they don’t mention it, but Barb seems kind of off.  She does say that she loves Jenelle and Dr. Drew makes them awkwardly hold hands while Barb tells Jenelle that she does love her.  Then it gets interesting.  Dr. Drew gives Barb a pop quiz and makes her come up with three things that she admires about Jenelle and it can’t be the same three things that she used in the last reunion.  Barb is literally drawing a blank and says, ‘Aww I gotta think!”  She finally comes up with: Strong and Ambitious.  She then bursts out laughing, looks at the audience and says, “I can’t never think of the third, I always just get to two!”  Even I started laughing which kinda startled me as it’s about 11:45 and I’m starting to snooze this sh*t out.

Things get a bit serious, however, when Barb can’t find a third thing she likes about Jenelle and then Drew asks her if Jenelle is lovable and Barb answers, “no.”  Ouch.  Even the dimwits in the audience are shaking their head.  Barb starts crying and saying how she’s done with Jenelle, is burnt out, and has been dealing with her bad behavior since Jenelle was 15.  She even gets in a little accent action when she’s crying and saying, “Jenelle I am yaw mutha and you call me a b*tch!”  I think the accent would have been out more had she been in her blue shirt.  Maybe it’s on its way to the Smithsonian.  I’ll look into that.  All this makes Jenelle shut down and says that she is trying to move out as soon as possible and will move away from Barb and the craziness.  She even threatens to walk “off set” be “done with filming” right the F now.  Fine, leave.  Just let Barb stay and perhaps give her a mic and song to sing.  Oh Jesus I finally discovered my purpose in life…to sing drunken Karaoke with Barb!

Here’s the deal.  Some people are going to think that Barb is being too hard on Jenelle and maybe she is, but I’m sure she’s tired of the constant crap that she pulls on the regular.  But, Jenelle probably pulls all this crap because of the love she doesn’t feel from her mother.  It’s a complete cycle of dysfunction.  At least Dr. Drew told Jenelle that she is deserving of love.  Sh*t got deep!

In the end, all the girls come out on stage and all awkwardly ask each other questions and, of course, they all did this lifelessly.  And they all are looking at Jenelle like they can catch “trash” just from sitting there.  Even when the babies all come out on stage Jace is looking at Jenelle like, “B*tch, who the hell are you?”

Overall I think this reunion was pretty much a snooze.  Half of it was just watching clips from the season and 2 hrs wasn’t needed.  I mean, maybe 1.5 hours of Barb, but that’s all that was needed.

Episode Rating: 4 Yawning Ryan’s

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