Teen Mom 2 Recap: When Will They Be Adding Barb’s Blue Shirt to the Smithsonian?

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I don’t feel guilt that I changed the channel during the President’s State of the Union Address to watch Teen Mom 2 as I’m already well aware that the economy is still in the crapper and the world, as we know, is two more snow storms away from self-imploding.  Yawn.  I have real problems to attend to like figuring out if the Barbarasaurus Rex is going to get custody of that baby.  And, most importantly, figuring out why I can’t stop yelling out loud in the middle of the day, “You need to starting parenting this child, Jenelle!”  Anyshortstoponyourwords, here’s what went down last night on “I Can’t Buy Scratch Tickets, But Here’s My Baby: 2”

Jenelle – Ever notice even when Jenelle does her “voice-overs” she’s yelling and sounds all pissed off?  She sounds like she literally has Barb in a headlock when she’s reading her lines.  It’s all in the tone of “nothing worse can happen, mom!”

Jenelle is out to become a full-fledged career woman and land herself a job!  She applies at a local bakery named something crazy like “Baked with Love.”  Ahh yes, that seems like the perfect place for our delicate oriental flower to work.  I’m pretty sure she’ll smash your cupcakes with her bare breasts if you piss her off.  Even though she struck out on “getting work” (separate from the money that MTV is paying her to be a walking douche) she is just as busy trying to transfer credits over to her community college so that she can have a better life for herself and, well, if she gets that then maybe she’ll even get a better life for her baby, you know, if she ends up taking care of him again one day.  Minor details.

Baby Jace is in his rocking seat throwing his bottle on the floor over and over again until Jenelle tells him that if he does it one more time, she’s not getting it.   And, of course, he does it one more time so she just leaves it there.  Trash box.  It’s like this kid has no clue what you’re saying.  You’re trying to reason with a 10-month old, trash box.  This is what babies do.  They throw their stuff on the ground over and over and over again and then when you’re just about to lose your mind from picking it up for the 1,403rd time they sh*t their pants and then you have to clean that too.  That’s life, trash box.  Bet you’re second guessing if that 13 seconds of unprotected sex was worth it.

You know who we seldom discuss?  Barb’s boy-toy.  If the camera would spend a little more time on him I think we’d discover that he would give Butch (from Teen Mom 1) a real run for his food stamps money.  I mean, he’s missing a few front teeth and one tooth sticks straight out when he smiles.  I was this close to singing, “Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it” but then he faded into the background.

Meanwhile, Jenelle heads out to the front porch to visit with a relaxing Barb who’s sitting on a wicker rocking chair, sipping on some ice cold lemonade and reading one of her worldly novels (or the phone book).  Well my, my, aren’t we practically a lady, Barb?  Jenelle chats up B-dog for a few about signing over temporary custody so that she can get her trash compactor life in order.  She then tells Barb that she remembers when her dad was around and would take her places and…tickle her.  I turned red with embarrassment and was like, “Please don’t tell me you were diddled or I may have to stop recapping this junk and shut down this here blog for good.”  Luckily she just wanted to mention that she was tickled and then move on to other topics.  Barb decides to accept Jenelle’s offer (basically this is a fancy kind of baby black-market deal?) and ends up hugging it out.  She claims that Jenelle doesn’t like to hug her mother.  How sad.  If Rocky Barbboa was my mom I would hug her until her head popped off and then I’d hang said head from my rear-view mirror.  I mean, that’s just what I would do.  Perhaps you have your own strategy.

The next day Barb and Jenelle gas up the tank and drive on down to the local court house (where brothers and sisters can marry) to sign over temporary custody of the baby to Barbzilla.  Seriously, beyond needing actual therapy for a million other reasons, Jenelle should really hit up the therapist to process what actually just happened that day.  This kind of seemed like an adoption signing to me.  Jenelle, who is usually filled with piss and vinegar, seemed lifeless after she was done signing.  Barb, on the other hand, exclaimed that she was happy that they didn’t go through a court hearing and missed all the “dramaaaaah.”  Oh Barb.  Friend ‘til the end.

Barb, however, is still bat-sh*t crazy because later she leaves instructions for Jenelle to give Jace Tylenol between 2:00 – 3:00 because she thinks he has a “fevaaaah.”  Next thing you know Jenelle calmly says that she may take Jace with her friend Jason out somewhere and Barb loses her sh*t and the first thing she brings up is that fact that she now has custody of the baby.  Geesh.  Way to blow your load, Barb.

Things are looking up for Jenelle who lands herself a waitress job at the local pub, who has a sign on it that says “5.99 menu.”  Oh the tips she will make!  With all the money she’s making she gets to buy the baby diapers and herself some $3.00 pairs of shorts and, no I’m not joking.  Barb seems to think this is too much to spend.  I mean, how much can Barb be spending on those blue shirts that she sports in every episode?  You know that Lane Bryant was having a buy one get two deal doing on.  And why when Jenelle wants to bring Jace to go see the fireworks, Barb keeps telling her that the rule is that she can’t go out with the baby by herself.  Why?  Why is that the rule?  What happened?  I’m confused.  Is it because her friends are allegedly pot-smoking-whores who live in places where crashed up cars on the front lawn and living furniture is placed, awkwardly, outside for all the neighbors to see?  I mean, unless you get specific, Barb, we’re not going to be able to follow along.

In the end, Jenelle goes to see the fireworks with her friend and without Jace.  Eh, at least she’s just sitting there and not “paaaahtyin’ her ass off.”

Chelsea – Oompa Loompa Doopity Doo, I’ve got another teen mom for you.  Enter Chelsea, just orange enough to make Snooki feel inadequate.  We’re reminded that Chelsea’s dad is still paying all her bills and, why the hell not, while he’s at it he’s basically paying Megan’s bills too.  Speaking of “daddy” he stops by to give Chelsea $200 in cash so that she can buy food (and go tanning, get her nails done, her her bangs bleached, etc).  This may be because Chelsea claims all she’s able to eat is Ramen Noodle.  Really Chels?  Just Ramen?  Sadly I think her FUPA begs to differ.

And, not for nothing, but the fact that her father gives her all this money and pays all her bills is basically why this chick is in this pickle in the first place.  Have some rules and some consequences and don’t give you kids everything they ask for.  Moving on.

Chelsea is happy that Adam is back in her life.   I couldn’t care any less than I already do.  I’d rather focus on her statement of wanting to start “beauty school” in the near future.  Look out world, there’s going to be a whole new community of girls looking like they just washed up on the Jersey Shore.  And how come no matter where in the house Chelsea and Megan are talking it looks like a basket of Easter eggs exploded all over the place?  Everything is so bright and colorful, which is odd since her future is so dark and bleak.  Please, it’s a joke.  After this season I’m sure she’ll close out this year making more money than I will in 5 years combined.  Show me your W2’s you bragging skank!

When Chelsea has to go for a beauty school meeting she leaves her baby with Adam who may or may not know that there is baby at his feet.  That’s like leaving a baby with Debra and her trash claw…just not the best of ideas.  However, per usual, I am wrong and as they return back to the house, Adam is feeding the baby with his friends on the porch.  Adam is one of those guys who doesn’t fully know he’s white, right?  Anyway,  Chelsea is surprised that this is happening, but I’m pretty sure that once the cameras go down when the season is over Adam will fade away like the fireworks that he is now setting off about 3 feet from where the baby is sitting.  Safe.  I’m sure babies can’t catch on fire anyway.

Kailyn – Time for Mumbles McPuss-Face!  She’s like a younger, way less hot, more dead behind the eyes Kardashian sister.  I literally watch all of Kailyn’s scenes by giving her the side-eye.  What?  She wants to give me the side pony-tail in every episode then I’m giving her the constant side-eye.  And where the hell does Jo live?  Chuck E Cheeses?  He’s shooting hoops one minute with his friend and next thing you know he’s playing Whack-a-Mole the next.  Fine I made that last part up.

Kail is the worst and is chatting with Jo’s mothers thickly-braided mustache.  I kid, I kid.  I love her and miss her like the desserts miss the rain.  Jo’s mom, Janet, is no joke.  She’s like Caroline Manzo if Caroline Manzo was a Fly Girl on In Living Color and, you know, a Puerto Rican lady.  She lays down the law to Kail by letting her know (without blinking, looking away, or raising her voice) that if she wants to have another boyfriend to go and live with him, but not to take her grandson down with her.  Jo’s dad basically shouted out “Go on girl!” and hip bumped his wife after she said that.

The “next day”  Kail is going to college orientation.  Ole!  What a treat this is going to be.  Sadly, no one can watch her baby for the day or drive her to college even though the house is literally filled with people bumping into each other as they walk by.  She ends up having to ask Jo’s brother who, spoiler alert, also lives in the basement to drive her to college.  How F’n big is that basement?  Do they live at The Louvre?  That’s right I just dropped some impressive knowledge on all ya’lls asses.  Y’all a bunch of skanky-ass b*tches!  Sorry, wrong show.  Moving on.

Kail lugs the baby with her to orientation and basically disrupts everyone around her.  If it was me I would have been like, “Excuse me, I’m paying 3 easy installments of $19.99 to attend this school so can you please quiet your baby down so I can learn how to turn on a computer?  Thanks.”

Next up, Kail decides that if she still wants to live in Janet’s Palace she needs to stop seeing that other f*ck-wit and pretend she loves Jo and his moms ‘stache again.  The only problem?  There are cameras on you right now and they are recording you having this conversation with your friend.  Oh, and we have eyes and ears and saw this.  You are as crazy as your mother BUT without that kick-ass half Kate Gosselin half straw-head haircut.  So deal with that.

Kail ends up breaking up with Jordan by sitting in her car (that her crack-head mom gave to her) and calling him over the phone.  He just basically says, “Yup” and that they’ll see each other at Sport’s Authority the following day.   Ahhh Sport’s Authority.  So romantic.  I hear if Shakespeare was alive today this is where he would base Romeo and Juliet.

Leah – Ugh, back to doom and gloom.  We learn right off the bat that the baby can’t get her MRI because she’s too young.  Uh, I’m sorry, the doctor from last week couldn’t have mentioned that?  And why is her mom making it seem like Leah is not doing enough to help the baby?  It’s like relax Plain Jane.  She can’t even get the MRI for another few months.  More importantly, why does her mom look like she has a new horrible hairdo in every scene she’s in?  Any by “new hairdo” I of course mean, “took a shower, washed her hair, let it mostly air dry, and then used a horses brush to dry the rest and a pick to fluff up her bangs.”  Was that not clear?

Overall all this is sad especially when Leah realizes that there’s a chance that her baby may never be able to walk.  And you want me to make what joke?  Next week I may just skip over Leah and just focus on Corey, especially if he starts balling like a constipated baby.

Finally, Leah and Corey get some 1 on 1 time without the baby medical drama.  Just when I was about to give up!  So to take her mind off things, Leah and Corey head out for a night of bowling and possible finger diseases and staph infections. All would have been fine until Corey was about to hit up the lane and Leah said, and I quote, “I believe in you…just like I believe in us.”  I actually gave my TV the finger and looked the other way.  If someone ever said that to me I would have washed their mouth out with cheap rum and grabbed them from under the arm all whist giving them the spanking of their life (and not in the good way).

Sidenote:  Why does Leah have Anna Nicole Smith’s fingernails?

In the end it’s the 4th of July and you would think that Leah thought it was Christmas because she’s so happy that she and Corey are officially together.  She keeps saying how they haven’t been together on a “holiday” in so long.  Pipe down, it’s the 4th of July not Groundhog’s Day, wet curls.  To celebrate this hip-happenin’ day they all go to a family party at Corey’s house.  This consists of sitting on folding chairs in the backyard and drinking out of keg cups.  Oooh la la just like the Spelling’s would do it.

In the end, Corey’s parents agree to watch the kids so that Corey and Leah can go to watch the fireworks and hopefully not get pregnant again.  Corey ends up surprising Leah by renting (?) a boat so they can better see the fireworks.  I’m sorry, you have “boat renting money” but Leah is basically living in trailer without wheels?  Nice try, Hefner, but splurge some of that money on the kids.  Poppycock!

Special Shout Out to the IBBB Readers at BabyCenter, CafeMom, and The Knot! Thanks For All the Love!

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