Teen Mom 2 Recap: The One Where Barb is Ready to Rumble

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Welcome back folks!  We had a nice little break while I was away and then MTV showed a repeat the second week, which made my heart squeal with delight. I missed you all and none of you all at the same time.  I jest.  Let’s get right into it…

Jenelle – Just when you think that Jenelle and Barb are getting along all too well lately, things are about to change.  We’ll get to it in minute, but their major blowup reminds me of simpler times when Jenelle was just a 16 year old little surf girl looking for love in all the wrong places because she grew up in a house where, most likely, one of Barb’s old flames probably played “Let me point to where your hoo hoo is” one too many times.  You see where I’m going with this?  If you shouted at your computer, “What is…In the Dumpster?”  Ding! Ding! Ding!  You would be correct.

Anyway, before the best Barb brawl of the season takes places, Jenelle and David are out for some dinner and drinks so they can talk about being human trash cans for a few minutes. After Jenelle takes another sip from what I can only assume is her Planet Hollywood margarita she lets out a sigh and just says, “Dude, if we can just get Jace back we’re so moving away from here.”  Yeah “dude” it’s totally cool to still be a runaway at 23.  David replies with “Yeah! And what about Kaiser?”  And Jenelle has a look on her face that simply reads, “Damn.  I didn’t give the abortion treatment to that one, did I?”  And here we are again, in quite the pickle, where Jenelle is slowly turning into the Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe.

Luckily for us,  David has taken over speaking directly with Nathan via text, which really makes the most sense since both of these guys will eventually, most likely, appear on one of those VH1 celebrity therapy shows.  Sidenote, if anyone isn’t watching the one with Dr. Jenn and Dina and Michael Lohan I suggest you catch up…STAT.  New York and Sister Patterson are a breath of fresh air.  Anyway, Nathan is texting up a storm to let David know he needs to tell Jenelle that his girlfriend said she is not dropping the charges against the Big J. (This is the trashiest game of ‘telephone’ ever)  Ruh-roh!  Looks like no dream job in the world of Surgical Tech for her!  Whatever will she do to make ends meet?  Strip! Strip! Strip! Strip!  Or just sell one or two of your kids on the black market.  You mean to tell me you can’t get at least $350K for Jace?   I mean, that kid already knows how to throw a punch.  Think of the money he’ll be able to rake in in the underground sporting world of Mexican Cock Fighting…which I’m pretty sure means you basically try to kick George Lopez in the ding ding.  Right?

Meanwhile, Barb is questioning Jace about what he does over at Jenelle’s house and he sadly says that he just sits there and watches TV because Jenelle is always sleeping.  And evidently David is in the room with her so Jace has to play with his daughter.  If that’s not a recipe for early pregnancy I don’t know what is.  I actually felt really bad for Jace and I wondered what Ke$ha would think about all of this?  At the same time I was beaming with pride over Barb basically producing and directing her own segments now.  Just another bullet-point for the resume, Barb!

Fast forward because I don’t think anything else happened.  Oh wait, at one point Kaiser tried to be like Jesus and walk on water and he walked himself right off the couch and onto the floor.  For real it looked like a 50 foot drop.  Jenelle was probably regretting the day she ever put down floors in hopes that Kaiser would have just dropped into the abyss.

Ok, it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for.  The Fight.  I have to admit, I was confused by how this all started.  Was it the editing?  Was it the fact that I’m an adult and have been watching Teen Mom for 5+ years and my mind has turned into actual garbage?  Let’s just figure it’s a little bit of all of the above which, ironically, is how I answered 75% of my SAT questions.  Anyway, Barb heads over to Jenelle’s house to pick up Jace.  Jace and David’s daughter are legit out front playing in the street and Jenelle and David are nowhere to be found.  The least Jenelle could have done was to give Jace some knives and matches in case kidnappers or the neighborhood diddler showed up….it’s called parenting.  Geesh.

Barb enters the house like a bat out of hell (aka West Virginia)  and instead of delicately saying, “Hello?  Is anyone home?” she just sounds like a fog horn and starts screaming, “Uh, Jenelle?!” over and over again.  She makes her way to the bedroom in which the door is closed and locked.  Barb continues to yell that the kids were playing out front without any adult supervision.  Here’s the thing…the camera crew was there so, technically, they were watching the kids.  They’re kind of like babysitters.  But, still, I see her point.  When Barb begins her rant about “Ok so it’s going to be like this?  Then I’m not going let Jace come over…” and then David opens the door and asks Barb to stop yelling in his house.  Now I thought that seemed a little odd, but figured it was a slip of the tongue since, you know, it’s Jenelle’s House-of-Horror and she pays the bills.  But whatever.  Of course Barb is like, “Yaw house?  Yeah right.  Jenelle pays for everything around heaaaah just like she did wif all her othaaah boyfriends.”  Slow clap for Barb.  The only thing missing was someone z-snapping in the background.

Next up, Barb continues her rants on David and is all “You have pending chaaaaahges against you for ‘the domestic violence'” and David laughs it off after calling her crazy.  Speaking of crazy, David then says, “Please stop yelling in front of all my children” as he’s holding Kaiser and Jace is running around.  I’m sorry now, what?  Even Barb breaks character for a second and is like, “None of these kids are yours!”  David claims that because he takes care of them (eye roll) they’re his.  That makes sense.  Barb keeps banging on the door to talk to Jenelle and realizes the door is locked and thinks that David is locking her in the bedroom, which he kinda is.  Is he slowly turning into Ariel Castro?  If you see something, say something…that’s my motto….and New York City’s…but they kinda stole that from me after that whole 9-11 fiasco.  Anyway.

David decides he’s calling the cops because Barb is yelling in front of “his children” and when he closes the door in Barb’s face she goes, “That’s it I’m pressing chaaaaahges against you for assault!”  It’s almost like you can smell the dysfunction right through the TV.  And watching David talk to the police on the phone was insanity.  He’s like, “A woman is yelling in front of my children inside my house.”  Ah, ok Pinocchio.  I was two seconds away from printing up “Free Barb!” t-shirts.  Barb heads outside after letting David know he was Jenelle’s ‘worst boyfriend so far.’  I mean, there’s still time.  I’m sure there will be more boyfriends who will be much worse.  We’ve barely reached OJ status yet.

Barb heads outside just as the police show up.  To be honest I was thinking David legit called 411 just to scare her, but the actual cops were there.  She just casually says to the cops, “Oh hi.  I wasn’t yelling inside the house.”  Even the cops looked like they were about to eye-roll her right into prison.  But they let her go and she tells Jace he’s never going back there again.  Jace looks like he’s about to throw up the deuces to this whole situation.  He has a look on his face that says, “Can I leave earth?”  That poor kid.  Literally and figuratively.  Barb is grilling Jace on the ride home about what happens over there and he says that they’re always mad at him for being there.  Can you imagine?  This kid doesn’t have a chance, which is more than sad.

In the end, Jenelle finally calls Barb and is, of course, yelling at her. She blames Barb for the cops being there and she tells her how embarrassed she is that this happened.  I mean, she also told us her legit eating and gym routine when Barb said that Jenelle doesn’t seem like herself anymore.  She was like, “I do 3 sets of 10 4 days a week followed by a healthy salad with light balsamic dressing followed by a class or two of zumba.”   I mean, I was like whaaaat…why is she telling us this?!

Leah – It’s time to recap Leah, y’all!  This week we get to see Leah pulling herself together and doing pretty well, which is a nice change of pace (read: boring).  Things seem a bit easier for her with just one child instead of 3 of them around the compound all the live-long-day.  And I really liked her babysitting skills too.  When she wants to talk to her mom for a bit she just places an entire can of frosting on the table with a knife in it so her baby daughter can entertain herself for hours and catch the diabetes all at the same time!  Now I’m not technically a parent, but I think that’s called a “Parenting Hack.”

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Is it weird that when Leah said it was Thursday in her voiceover I immediately knew it was her day to take the girls to cheering and gymnastics?  You know it’s time to turn off the TV and pick up a book when you totally know what Leah’s weekly parenting schedule is like.  We get to witness Ali Latasha do her gymnastics (?) routine for Leah whilst the instructor lifelessly told her what to do next.  She might was well have been smoking a cigarette and downing a beer because she was all, “Yeah, yeah tumble over there.  Now roll.  And, uh, tumble over there some more.”  I felt bad because the other sister, Aliqua Dashiqua, was crying because she missed cheering and wasn’t able to do that anymore.  That really sucks and I feel like it’s only going to get worse because that’s what Dr. Chicken Sao says all the time.  It’s like, thanks for the hope!

Later Leah gets the mail and it’s….you guessed it….another court order because apparently in the glamorous state (town/city?) of W. Virginia you’re not allowed to legally have shared custody with no one as the primary parent.  Yawn.  So now Corey thinks he  should be the primary because he’s the closest to a beaver (it’s a thing) and Leah thinks she should be the primary because if she isn’t who the hell is going to feed her kids frosting right out of the can every Monday/Wednesday/Friday?  Honestly, if I never had to hear about custody or court ever again it would be too soon.  Is that how the saying goes?  All I know is that we’re going back to court to figure all of this out.  I mean there has to be another storyline than this, right?  It’s always the same thing.  I actually found it more entertaining to watch Leah vacuum.  For real, I was like “Wow good for you!  And great vacuum lines too!”  As soon as I see a Fed Ex package I’m like, here we go….and then I begin to shut down.

Kail – It’s month 299 of Javi fighting the sh*t out of ISIS and Kail is stressed to the max. I have no idea.  I think it’s been 4 days.  Either way, Javi decided to be a nice guy on camera and let his friend know that he’s setting up a fun night out for Kail and her friends to go to dinner and have a bottle of wine.  His friend is Facetiming with him and it’s overly awkward.  First off, who the hell is this friend and why are we in his house?  Second, why is Javi in bed with his shirt off?  Why is he always in bed during Facetime calls?  He’s never not laying down in a bunk-bed.   For real, I think he’s just away at summer camp.  If the camera panned out a bit I’d bet we’d see wheelbarrow races taking place in the background.

Anyway, per usual, this is all one giant snore.  Kail and her friends get all dressed up to go out to dinner.  When they arrive there are dozens of roses on the table for all the girls.  Some of them cry.  I realize my eyebrows are in the angry position as I watch this seen because it seems overly dramatic.  Also, Kail seems like she still doesn’t really care.  After the talk about Javi fighting that good old war for a a hot second the conversation turns into a Q&A to see if Kail is ok with not being able to get it in for a few months.  She explains that she’s fine because she has toys and then one of her friends starts talking about a shower attachment. Clearly Kail is in heat so I think it’s officially time for her to have a third kid with a third guy.  Who’s with me?!  The conversation turns into Javi always asking her to send naked pictures, which seems like a waste because he could turn on The Wizard of Oz, fast forward to the Cowardly Lion scenes, and just finish himself off and call it a day.  Also, this dinner is the worst.  I’ve never seen on episode of Sex in the City/Sex and the City, but I assume this is what it’s like.

The next day, Kail has to get up early (and is most likely hungover) to get a bedridden Facetime call from Javi.  They both cry because Javi says he feels like he’s in prison which, actually, I’m starting to think he might be.  I was surprised Kail cried, but then remembered they were downing wine the night before so will chalk this one up to a nice little hangover depression.  I’m sure Javi can’t wait to get out of there, come home, and then get a divorce because, spoiler alert, that’s pretty much what happens right?  Either way, who cares.

Chelsea – Cuts a piece of wood.

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