Teen Mom 2 Recap: The One Where Barb Basically Is a Doctor

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Jenelle – We’re fresh off the showdown between David (‘the worst boyfriend she’s evvvah had!’) and Barb (the wind beneath our wings) and this time around Jenelle wants to try and pretend it never happened and she wants to talk to Barb because, you guessed it, she wants to see if she can have Jace for the weekend.  Barb needs some time to think about it because she says that David needs to show her some respect (sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me … re, re, re, re, re, re, re, a little respect, just a little bit), but Jenelle spends her time trying to convince Barb that David is a really good guy and how they really only play a little game of Ike and Tina when Jenelle has a fresh mouth and/or burns the roast.  At one point I’m pretty sure Barb said, “David attacked me like a ‘dovuhmin.”  Let’s all just assume she meant the dog.  Unless she actually meant a man from Dover.  Either way, no one better mess with Meme.  Or Texas.  Basically don’t mess with Texas or Meme.  Someone make t-shirts.

Later Barb is beginning the drive to Jenelle’s so she can drop off Jace, but Jenelle apparently is having some health issues.  She keeps screaming that she has restless leg syndrome (what I usually call “a case of the fidgets”), her hands are going numb and she’s tired all the time. Eh, who isn’t?! She went to see her doctor in North Carolina, but evidently her doctor won’t give her the Xanax that they originally wanted to in order to calm the beast because Jenelle is on some database that basically says, “Junkie-4-Life” so they sent her home with nothing.

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Barb is telling Jace in the car that “mommy don’t feel good” so she may be in a bad mood and won’t want to play with Jace (aka sleep while Jace plays Super Mario Brothers).  Jenelle calls Barb and is yelling that the doctor won’t give her any meds.  Surprisingly enough, Barb knows all about this and how North Carolina passed a law last year that prevents prescribing meds to former crackheads and the like.  I was legit impressed that Barb knew any of this, but when in Rome, I guess.  Jenelle begins to scream that she was only addicted to heroin in the past so the anxiety meds have nothing to do with that.  She drops a few f-bombs and Barb just goes, “Damn it Jenelle yaw on the caaaah phone.”  I love it.  That accent is like a fresh morning dew, on a brand new day.  And hearing Barb try to say “car,” the Boston Phrase that Pays, is like music to my ears.

At one point Jenelle starts crying and screaming that she just knows she has MS and, legit, Barb turns her head to keep from laughing.  At first I thought she was going to cry, but then I was like, nope that’s a smile.  You totally know Barb is thinking at that very moment, “Bravo Jenelle!  You are one crafty b*tch!.”  So per usual, Barb just says, “Nooo I don’t think you have MS.”  And Jenelle gets even more pissed so begins to hang up and Barb just quickly chimes in, “I think you have ‘the’ diabetes.  Do you have the diabetes?”  I mean.  First off, Barb starting to diagnose as if she was a ham-slicing-deli-doctor is everything.  Second off, why is she asking her if she has it like Jenelle is going to be like, “yeah you’re right I do have it.  Problem solved.”

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Sadly, Barb basically has to turn her car around because, guess what, Jace can’t go to Jenelle’s anymore.  Who would have thought!  Truth be told, I’m pretty sure Barb only drove to the end of her driveway and then backed up and did it over and over again because she knew there was no way in hell Jenelle would stick to her word and take Jace that weekend.  Jenelle is just too weak to take care of Jace….but the good news is that she’s going to NYC!!!!  Since her doctor in NC won’t give her meds she and David decide to take her case to NYC where the doctors basically just hand you a duffel bag of various medications and let you pick.  It really is a magical place.  Of course before the appointment they go to their favorite chain restaurant/tourist spot that no one in NYC ever goes to in the history of ever so that Jenelle can read to David (and us) all the symptoms she’s currently experiencing.  I’m not joking I think she legit just downloaded every word from WebMD onto her phone.  It ranged from everything from “cough due to cold” to “tingling in her fingers” to “testicle swelling” to “migraines” to “jock itch” to “Jock Jams” and everything in between.  Now That’s What I Call Symptoms: Vol. 7.  Oh, and did I mention she can “see molecules.”  Meth is a hell of a drug.

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In the end, Jenelle gets her NYC MRI and then is waiting for the results.  When she doesn’t hear back the next day she calls the MRI center and a recording comes on saying that they’re only open from the hours between 8am and 4pm.  Jenelle loses her shiz and thinks it doesn’t make any sense that they close at 4pm.  For real it’s like she’s never heard of doctors hours before.  Did we ever find out what Jenelle actually had/has?  I’m going to go with seasonal allergies, but that’s just me.

Leah – I can’t stop cleaning, y’all!  With the kids away for most of the week Leah is like a cleaning machine!  I have to say, I like it.  Plus her hair whilst curly isn’t crunchy.  To me, those are things that make a good mother so I say just give her primary custody and call it a day.  This week Leah meets Corey in their typical highway baby drop off-safe haven and Corey looks like a worried little beaver, so we know something is up.  He’s letting Leah know that Alicia Keys is not really eating at his house anymore and he thinks she’s losing weight.  Well at least someone in that house is.  He says to Leah, “You need to talk to Dr. Sao about her diet.”  I mean, is she on Atkins?  What diet?  Leah actually explains that she eats at her house so she’s not sure what’s up, but that she’ll make an appointment with Dr. Kung Pow Chicken.  Corey feels like she used to be 40 pounds and is now down to 34 pounds, but he can’t remember.  I mean, if she’s losing any weight it’s probably just because she’s not slamming down 14 Lunchables every day anymore.

Leah’s sister is playing more and more of role in this show because she’s able to articulate, you know, things.  She’s pissed that Corey is talking about weight issues when the kid is only not eating at his house.  I mean, she spend legit 5 minutes saying the same thing over and over again about it being an issue at Corey’s house and not at Leah’s house.  Finally I was like, yeah we get it, let’s move it right along.  But, alas, Leah makes an appoint with Dr. Spock and the good news is that Alicia Keys is totally fine, is the same weight she always was and Corey is still a male beaver.

Things take an interesting turn, however, when Chasity (the best cousin in the world) calls Leah to let her know that she was “watching dem girls” and Alicia Keys was complaining that her school bag was too heavy to carry and so she asked Miranda to carry it for her and Miranda told her “no” because she had to carry the new baby.  I mean, everyone is outraged.  Oh, and did I mention that Chasity is apparently the La Toya Jackson of our generation trying to be a detective…because she evidently video recorded this conversation “dem girls” was having.  Yup.  She’d like to present to you Exhibit A in the case of the white trash family from W. VA.

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Chasity ends up sending this video to Leah and Leah watches it with semi-tears in her eyes.  And when Leah plays it for her sister, her sister is more than outraged.  Here’s the thing….is it wrong that I don’t think it’s actually that bad?  I mean, sure I feel bad that the school bag is too heavy for Ali Laqushka to carry, but at that time Miranda has a newborn that can’t, uh, walk, crawl or lift her own head yet, so it’s not like she’s going to drop her own the ground just so she can carry a school bag.  Also, kids are pretty dramatic and maybe she’s just jealous of all the time her beaver father and bleach blond step-mother are giving to the new baby.  Seems pretty normal to me, but what do I know…I just write about this crap, I don’t actually care for “none babies, y’all!”

Kail – Goes to lunch with Vee.

Chelsea – Wears plaid.

 

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