Teen Mom 2 Recap: Sweet, Single and Sassy

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You wanna know who’s doing soooo well lately?  Leah.  I know, I was as surprised as you.  She’s present, fresh as a daisy and looks very put together.  I, of course, am kidding.  She is hell on earth.  Per usual I think the biggest mistake MTV made this season was not breaking the 4th wall like they did for Teen Mom OG.  Also, remember that time that Amber broke the 4th wall with Gary’s body when she was kicking it down the stairs?  #NeverForget.  I’d love to see what the producers were thinking when Leah and her friend were sitting on a grassy hill whilst the girls were playing a classic game of “One Tick, Two Tick, Red Tick…We’re White Trash Ain’t We Momma?”  You know you used to play when you were little too.

And what was up with Leah’s friend?  Sure Leah looked like a luke-warm mess falling in an out of life, but her friend was just as bad.  Plus, who didn’t love when the friend asked Leah, “Is there one pacific think you want to get out of this?”  I know, I know.  “Specific” is a hard word to pronounce when you live in W. VA.  It’s like trying to say “work” and “education.” It just doesn’t roll off the tongue.

You know what did surprise me in this episode?  When Corey went to go visit his lawyer.  It was like he was at a fancy club or lounge.  And, don’t quote me because I can’t count to all the numbers yet, but I feel like his lawyer had all his teeth.  I tried to pause and count but, you know me, I immediately fell asleep and woke with my head in the oven.  Per usual.  Corey isn’t comfortable with not knowing where Leah is going for 30 days….or annunciating, apparently.  What, y’all?  She’s going to therapy in the middle of the country for 30 days.  It’s not rehab, it’s therapy to work on herself.  You know that kind of therapy….that 30 day therapy that all your friends go to.  I mean.  I just want to know what drugs we’re talking about.  Pills, I assume.  I mean, I’m not a doctor so I can’t be 100% certain.  Which is the drug you get addicted to where your house is in absolute squalor and you give your kids 15 ponytails?  Is that pills?  Probably.

Speaking of which, Leah decides to leave her kids one more time to go to that special 30 day therapy, especially now that she’s legally separated from Jeremy.  It was sad to, once again, see her kids freak the F out when she was leaving.  I just want to give them a hug.  And by “a hug” I mean “ a bath” and by “ a bath” I mean a “power wash” and by a “power wash” I mean “an education.”  Leah just basically peaces out with wet hair and no makeup.  It’s like she’s ready for a West Virginian job interview.  In the end, Leah’s mom takes all the kids out for pizza at a place that I’m sure is about to be closed by the board of health and keeps saying to the girls, “Momma’s at the doctor, right?  She’s at the doctor to get better, right?”   I mean, couldn’t she have said, “Momma is in NYC with MTV?”  Saying she’s at the doctor probably makes the kids think she’s dying.  Plus, next time the kids have to go to the doctor they’re going to think they’re going on vacation for a month.

Leah ends up texting her mom while everyone is at pizza and her mom breaks down crying.  I was like, is she dead?  Has she texted from the great beyond?  I’m pretty sure her sister was thinking the same thing.  Apparently the text was a picture from “rehab” that said “Expect a miracle.”  Is that the same sign at Leah’s hairdressers?  Hey-oh!  Get well soon!  Use drills not pills!  Don’t have a beer, comb your hair!  Stay quiet as a mouse, but clean your house!

Meanwhile, over in crazy town, Jenelle is trying to get back with Nathan because, let’s face it, the girl loves a beating.  I’m not joking, can she please get into intensive therapy and talk about either (1) how she chooses horrific men in her life because she’s looking for love from the father who was never around or (2) point to the place on the doll where one of Barb’s old boyfriends diddled you?  I’m sorry, it needs to be discussed.  Can’t Dr. Drew help with this?  Either way, Nathan doesn’t appear to want to get back together with Jenelle, but that might just be because he’s housing his diner breakfast whilst looking bloated.  Is it never winter where they live?  Because Nathan is always in that same ratty homemade tank-top.  Was that even a sentence?  Sometimes I don’t know.

Later, Jenelle and Barb head off to mediation to discuss who gets to own Jace.  Honestly, I’d say more than half off all Teen Mom episodes deal with court and/or cheating.  It’s too much.  Plus, we NEVER get to see any of the court scenes.  At the least MTV should have a cartoon court scene for us.  Nevertheless, we just get the recap after where Jenelle calls Nathan to say that now they have to go to court because they couldn’t agree to one thing during mediation.  Go figure.  Can you imagine what that mediator must have been thinking when Barb and Jenelle walked in?  Shots!

You know what I feel bad about?  Does Barb have any real-life friends?  We never see her with anyone.  I feel bad.  I’d be her friend and, you know what, in my mind we already are!  Barb has to call a “friend” on the phone (probably the deli manager at Walmart) to tell them about mediation.  She ends up slow crying saying they have to go to court and she’s basically afraid she’s going to lose custody and Jace is going to be “ripped out of her house.”  I guess that’s better than Jace being “ripped from the headlines” and turned into an episode of Law and Order SVU, which is likely to happen if he stays with Barb for much longer.  Who’s with me?  Crickets.

By the end, Barb and Jenelle take the kids out for lunch and I really can’t believe they’re filming a scene together at all!  Not to be “one of those people” but was anyone else uncomfortable every time Jace went downstairs to the bathroom by himself at the restaurant?  Danger!  I wasn’t even allowed to cross the street by myself until I was about 18.  Maybe that’s why all I do with my life is recap Teen Mom?  Hmmm.  Interesting.  Maybe I need one of those 30 day therapy sessions in the middle of the country?  My apartment IS in squalor right now.  HELP! I need help, y’all!

Anyjunk, Kail and Javi are buying a new house so, well, there’s that.  They haven’t been fighting on camera for a little while now so it only makes sense they should buy a house together.  It’ll just make it all that much better when they get a divorce and the court wants to split their assets.  Other than house hunting, the main focus is on getting more child support from Jo.  Apparently he doesn’t want to take this to the courts because he feels like they’re going to make him pay $3,000 a month for Issac.  I believe right now he’s paying three easy installments of $19.99.  I have no idea.  But Kail is being decent about not wanting to bankrupt him and Javi is basically like make the courts decide and let it riiiiide!  Ugh.  Doesn’t he have a war to go fight in.

I actually felt bad for Jo when they basically had an intervention with Jo and put him on the spot about child support.  For some reason he thinks the court will make him pay between $3000 – $5000 a month.  Don’t they  have to base that off of salary?  Does he make that much?  Isn’t he a struggling rapper?  Shouldn’t Kail have to pay him?  Unless he’s making bank from MTV?  So many questions.  Also, Javi should really be careful about letting the courts decide because, well, I’m pretty sure he’s next.

I’m glad Chelsea is in a healthy relationship, finally.  The baby voice has got to go.  Although, Chelsea’s mom’s t-shirt that said, “Sweet, Sassy and Single” made the entire episode/my life.  What a minx!

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