Teen Mom 2 Recap: Suzi, the Unsung Skittish Hero!

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Jenelle – Me gusta mi favorita teenage mother “La Jenelle.”  That’s Spanish for “Trash is here!”  Jenelle and Kieffah are spending a romantic day at the beach discussing how they’ve never been apart since that day that Jenelle drunkenly met him at a porch party.  I remember when she picked him up for their first date and he was standing on the side of a dirt road like he just frolicked out of the woods.  It seems like just 25 episodes ago that happened.  Apparently time flies when your “gentlemen greeter” isn’t pushing out tiny humans.  Anyway, Special K is going to crash at his cousins house which I believe is actually code for “the shelter” and Jenelle is going back to Barb’s Bitchin Bungalow of  Booze and Blue (shirts, that is).  To keep on pace with her Guinness World Record, Barb is wearing her prized blue shirt again and welcomes Jenelle back home with open eye rolls and sassy slurred attitude.  My favorite!

I must admit I love scenes when Barb and Jenelle are just chilling on the front porch.  I can only imagine countless screaming matches and wicker furniture being thrown at each other when Jenelle was little punk youth.  However, this time around Barb has a brand new attitude, a new pink shirt, and it looks like she’s even using some voluminous mousse on the ends of her hair.  She kinda has spikes.  Basically it’s like a modern version of the Ma’am Papadopolis and ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it.  Jenelle and Barb decide to work on their relationship, keep things positive and respect each other more because, as Barb puts it, Jenelle is stuck with her for the rest of her life.  Let’s hope so.  I pray Barb lives to the ripe old age of 227, as I think she has the will to hit that number and that also happens to be my favorite TV show growing up and, well, I get to make the rules around here.  Bonus points for Barb’s mom jeans.  My dear Jesus I love that woman.

Just when everything seems to be going so well, Jenelle disobeys one of Barb’s 100 Commandments:  Thou Shall Not Take Jace Anywhere With Out Ye Old Blue Shirt Approval.  It’s in the Bible.  Trust me.  It’s right after the part about not touching yourself.  Anyway, Jenelle brought Jace 5 minutes up the street to the store and came right home.  Barb, hops out of her car basically in a tuck and roll position and finds the car seat in the back of Jenelle’s mode of transportation.  A fight ensues in which Barb says that Jenelle is required to ask permission before she takes him out and that if she pushes her too far she’ll call the police.  Well that seems a little dramatic, no?  I would have been like, “If you wear that blue shirt one more time in front of Jace then I’m calling the police because it’s abuse…or some sort.  I have no idea, but I’ll call the police too.  We can speak with them at the same time if you’d like.  Shall I dial?  Are they still at 911?  Good.  Good day.”

Since Jenelle is great at making good, sound, thorough decisions she decides to head to the beach to meet up with Kieffah since they haven’t banged up a storm in a few days.  Nothing is really new with Kieffah since the last time we saw him.  Oh, except actually he has a full blow out this time around.  If it wasn’t so spiky I would have guessed he was going for a Dionne Warwick look.  Either way, he’s shaved, removed his lip ring, and is missing home so Jenelle decides they should immediately take a road trip to New Jersey (this must explain the blow out).  And, to top things off she has enough money for gas to get them there (suddenly she’s good at estimating how much gas costs for a trip from NC to NJ?  She knows it’s not the next state over right?  It isn’t, is it?) and decides she will use Barb’s credit card for gas on the way back and food.  I’m sure that will go over well.  No trouble, no trouble at all.  Oh, and they’re going to tell her that she’s just going to Myrtle Beach for a concert.  Yeah, I’m sure Barb doesn’t call her bank 5 times a day to see if any money is missing or anything so I’m sure she won’t be the wiser.  And I’m also sure she won’t watch this episode either.  It’s like, come on man take Barb on the trip!  She’s half the fun!  Plus I kinda want to see her do the Jersey Turnpike like Deena!

Later, Jenelle tries to sneak out of the house with her backpack by…walking directly past Barb.  Hmmm I wonder if she’ll notice?  Oh, she did.  She’s a quick one.  Barb sort of fell for the lie about Myrtle Beach.  As much as like dysfunction how wrong was it that she would be willing to leave Jace for a few days and not even kiss him goodbye.  That’s really sad.  Now I have the blues…like Barb’s shirt. Jenelle peaces out of the house and picks up Kieffah on his usual spot which is, of course, sitting on the grass on the side of the road.  I mean, at least sit on someone else’s front stairs and pretend it’s your house.

Kailyn – Oh good the Cowardly Lion is back in action!  Kail ends up having to leave her baby with her mom, Suzi, so she can go meet up with Jo in some random parking lot to discuss all things “crazy.”  Why do I have a feeling that the next time we see Isaac, Suzi is going to have tried to snort him?  Anyjunk, Jo acts like he’s acting out lines from the local community play when he says, “Hello, nice day isn’t it?”  He then finishes it off by saying how it’s too nice out for Kail to be enjoying it as “she should be in a cave.”  Oh please, like Kail would be that lucky to have all the luxuries of  cave life.  Kail ends up spilling the scripted beans that she has, in fact, been seeing someone for the past 3 months and Jo tells her that she’s no longer allowed in his house or even on his block anymore.  He then says, “Oh, and you’re a whore” like he was ordering breakfast and says to the waitress, “Oh, and I want a side of hash-browns too!”  After lovingly telling Kail that she won’t finish school and gets in at all hours of the night he decides to call her a whore one more time and then he leaves…the parking lot.  Let’s just assume that Janet is going to place her entire head right through the wall when she hears this.  It’s enough to make her mustache curl.  Charlie Sheen’s machete has nothing on Janet on a rampage.  See what I did there?  I’m weaving current events into this recap.  Winning.

Later Kail meets up with her Sports Authority Neanderthal Lover to let him know that the gig is up, Jo knows about them, and how she is now basically homeless.  She ends up calling her mom to see if she can stay with her and Suzi shockingly says, and I quote, “Yeah, come right over.  I’m here.”  I’m sorry what?  Who is this and what have you done with Suzi?  She must be on a bender.

Well it’s the big day of the move and we get to actually see inside Suzi’s house!  This, basically, is the best day of my life.  Sadly from what we can see nothing seems out of the ordinary except, well, Suzi.  What the hell is she wearing?  She’s sporting a white shirt and some white jogging pants with some kind of large black Asian writing going up her pant leg.  And she has a banana clip.  And a nose piercing.  And her eyes are blinking about 100 miles per hour.  She’s either coming down right now or going up.  It’s a tough call, really.  She ends up making ground rules for Kail right off the bat, which includes not being on the phone at all hours of the night and not texting a lot because she “hates the noise.”  Yeah, she’s definitely coming down.  Although Suzi is being extra nice and letting Kail know that she can stay with her as long as she needs.  I have a feeling she maybe wants to bang the camera man?  She’s like, “Oooo weeeeee!  A man!”  This explains her show-off jogging pants.

At this time, Kail needs to go to work and has no one who can watch her baby so she calls Jo’s brother to watch him, which he agrees.  Great, now Janet has him.  I’m sure she’s in the process of cleaning up the dungeon where she’ll lock up the baby so that Kail can never get him again.

I have to admit, I’m totally digging Suzi in this crapisode.  While she’s crazier than a toothless homeless man wearing a tinfoil hat and trying to fist-fight the sky, she’s really got Kail’s back.  Maybe it’s the meth, maybe it’s love.  No way to fully know.  All I do know is that Kail wants to get her stuff back from Jo’s house and he’s holding it all hostage until she can pay him back the $600 that she owes him.  Suzi wants none of this and drives over with Kail to Janet’s house to get her stuff back.  She leaves Kail in the car and heads into Janet’s territory.  I’m nervous.  Janet, who is camera ready with her hair completely straightened, tells Suzi that she can’t have Kail’s stuff back until she pays back Jo because “Kail has done him dirty.”  She was missing the z-snap, but the delivery was great.  Suzi, on the other hand, is now starting to shake, twitch, and pace and demands her stuff back and Jo starts mouthing off to Suzi saying that she can’t have Kail’s stuff.  I was yelling at my TV, “You do NOT yell at my Suzi, you hear me!?”  Sadly, they didn’t talk back to me.  One day, my friends, one day.

Suzi ends up calling the police to try and get this situation under control, but sadly the police just tell Jo and Janet that they’re not going to make them give Kail her stuff back.  To make matters worse, Jo asks the police that without a custody order can he just keep the baby until something is filled out…to which the answer is “yes.”  The police then instruct Kail to file for custody…but she looks more concerned about getting her scrunchies back so she can do more side-ponytails.  Do you think Suzi knows where she is right now?  I hope not.  I love her.

Chelsea – Ugh, here we go.  Right off the bat, Chelsea is fighting with Adam about watching the baby so that she can start to get ready because she has some friend coming over.  What’s odd is that in this scene she has the entire top of her head with random blond in it, but next thing you know when her friend arrives all the blond is completely gone.  I don’t know why I care, but the producers should make sure they don’t change their white-trash look often so when they edit the absolute piss out of this it doesn’t look so obvious.  While her friend is over with her baby, Aubree is trying to tongue the little boy on the regular…just like her mother.  Can you crush up birth control and put it in her bottle?  I don’t know how all that works, but it must be better than giving the baby orange Fanta like it appears is regularly in there.  Anytan, the best part of this entire episode is when Chelsea is walking through the house and we catch a very quick glimpse or some oil-like painting of Chelsea holding her baby in a Glamour Shots like picture.  She was just missing the feather boa.  Everything else was dead on.

So Adam continues to be a complete douchenheimer this entire episode.  They’re all going to the town fair and Adam calls the baby a “turd” just like Amber used to call Leah “booger.”  It must be a poverty thing…kind of like puffy leather couches.  There’s some correlation there I’m sure that scientists are currently studying and I’m happy to fund it.

Whilst at the fair, in which Adam makes Chelsea pay for her ticket and his, he sees a girl that he once at sex with and waves to her.  This, of course, turns Chelsea a darker shade of orange, and yet another fight ensues.  She wants to hold Adam’s hand, but he won’t do it.  They fight over Adam waving to that girl and his defense is, “Of course we’re going to see people we hooked up with here.”  Really?  What kind of f’n county fair is this?  Do they typically hook up with carnival workers?  Is this something that normally happens in South Dakota that I don’t know about?  And the whole time Chelsea’s friend keeps looking at Adam like she can catch “douche.”  Priceless.

Back at home, Adam continues to be a big b*tch and keeps forgetting to wear his shirt.  Chelsea should have been like “Hey Megan you’re back! Oh it’s you Adam.  Your petite shoulders threw me off.”  He ends up calling Chelsea a b*tch for wanting to hold the baby while she has her bottle.  This kid is a complete tool.  He makes Ryan seem enthusiastic.

Later, Adam “falls asleep” at his friends house all day and wont come home to help watch the baby.  They’re now fighting over who works less.  I mean, no one can win in this fight.  It’s like two armless people fighting over who has a harder time picking their nose. I have no idea.  When Chelsea asks him to come home to help watch the baby he just says that he’s busy and hangs up…but then we see him playing pool in what I thought was the basement of homeless shelter but apparently it’s the local bar.  I would kill myself if I lived where they live.

In the end, Adam comes home for 10 minutes and ends up telling Chelsea that he cheated on her like 5 times while they were together, but that it was ok because she cheated on him too.  Chelsea actually looks shocked and like her tan is going to slide right off of her.  They end up “breaking up” like Audrina and Justin Bobby for the 200th time and Adam leaves the house to go and stay with someone else.  I think Chelsea’s dad should take him in since he’s basically already supporting him.  Just me?

Leah – Hey y’all!  Go have sex with your brother because it’s time for Leah and crew (shoot two guns in the air whilst chewing on hay)!  What the F is up with the front of their house?  The “porch” is a complete trash dump and Corey comes into the house saying “Look what’s been delivered.”  He’s holding a package that ends up being Ali’s eyeglasses, but I have no idea how in the hell he even found it on that front porch.  And you totally know the delivery person just through it into the giant pile of trash and ran.  Just because you live in a trailer without wheels doesn’t mean you can’t clean it.  If you have time for fishing trips and keg parties you have time to organize the porch.  And by “organize” I mean “perform an exorcism.”

Leah, her friends, her mom, and Corey’s mom all go out wedding dress shopping.  So Corey’s mom is actually just Corey with a blond wig on, right?  Kind of like when Chris Farley used to dress up as the Gap Girl?  Anyway, Leah’s mom is starting to cry about Leah in a wedding dress because of the cost.  Whilst she is crying she’s patting her own crunchy curls and freshly fried bangs.  It’s like she’s signaling an al qaeda attack.  After the wedding shop owner gives Leah a 30% discount on the dress and lowers the price to $1000, her mom ends up buying it for her even though she looks like she’s about break wind, puke, and pass out all at the same time.  It’s actually really nice that she’s willing to buy this dress.  I’m sure once this Teen Mom money starts to kick in, Leah will hook her up.  Maybe she’ll give her a hairdo makeover for the Dr. Drew reunion show.  I hope they bring me up.

Later, it’s the big day to get the results of the MR-eeeeyyye.  Why am I nervous?  They send a resident doctor in to give the results of the MR-eeeeyyye…is that normal?  Isn’t a resident like the kid who’s still in school?  I have no idea as I haven’t been to doctor since I was born.  I jest. Hooray the MR-eeeeyyyye came back fine!  Just as I suspected.  Then they send in the other doctor who, to no surprise, basically makes them feel like crap.  He wants them to see a genetics doctor to see if she has any syndromes, but thinks she’ll be able to walk and kinda makes Leah feel like an idiot for even asking because the baby is only like 8 months old.  Again his bedside manor is the pits and Leah seems pissed.

Meanwhile the crunch ball interventionist comes by to take another look at Ali and while she’s happy with some new progress she’s been making she still thinks something is definitely wrong with her legs.  I definitely think there is something wrong with all the wet curls in the house at one time.  I mean, it has to be a fire hazard of some sort, no?

Leah has a moment of clarity and ends up calling another hospital to get a second opinion on Ali’s MR-eeeyyyee, which is probably the right decision.  The appointment for the second MR-eeeeyyyye is just two days before her elaborate wedding.  Geesh, I hope Diddy doesn’t cancel!  In the end, Corey wins himself $5 from the bet they made because Ali can, in fact, roll over from her stomach to her back.  Good for her.  Now that Corey is $5 richer I’m sure he can take the next week off from work.  And by “work” I of course mean “shooting things in the woods.”

Episode Rating:  3 Suzi Hairdo’s and 1 Yawning Ryan

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Related Teen Mom 2 Links:

High, High.  Yaw Both High and Smokin’ Weeeed!
Teen Mom 2 Hits Up the Oregon Trail!

Jenelle’s Master Plan With the US Dept of Education

The Episode Where I Almost Ended Up on the Today Show
Jenelle’s Hickeys = 6 More Weeks of Winter

The One With Barb’s Blue Shirt
Teen Mom 2 Season Premiere Recap:  Jenelle Fights Her Mom
Jenelle’s 16 & Pregnant Episode Recap – 2010
Join Jenelle’s Moms Facebook Fanpage

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