Teen Mom 2 Recap: Jenelle Takes a MUCH NEEDED Vacation

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Is it just me or is it tough having Teen Mom 2 air on a Thursday night?  I’m tired by the end of the week and can barely stay up.  That could be because I’m over 85 years old, but let’s not split the remaining hairs on my head.  Either way, we begin with Kail and her Kesha fueled concert fight with El Chapo  Javi.  I’m pretty sure they’re still fighting over why Kail’s chinless face gets to go to a concert and sleep over in Motown Philly, but Javi has to stay home and watch the kids and make sure Suzi isn’t hiding/sleeping in the bushes in front of their house singing “Friends in Low Places” topless.  It’s really a mess overall, but Kail is at her breaking point and is this close to getting a divorce and then probably having sex in a dumpster with a stranger, getting pregnant and then getting married to said stranger…and then getting divorced again.  Lather, rinse, repeat as needed.

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Honestly, I think Kail’s friends are fueling the fire.  And I’m specifically talking about Peach and her shit ass attitude.  I’m kidding.  She may be a peacemaker, but I just really want to type “Peach” and have to capitalize it because it’s actually a proper name.  Let’s face it, she’s really the most famous Peach since, well, Princess.  You know the one.  And I loved seeing the iPhone footage of the Sam Smith concert they went to, which basically just consisted of Kail giving chinless duck lips, peace fingers and a variety of emoji tongues to the camera.  Youth rules!

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Later the girls all go back to the bed bug infested hotel and Kail lays all over the comforter, face down.  Good luck explaining to your clinic doctor why you have face herpes from rubbing your face all over that bed.  Gross.  But she’s starting to perk up because Javi texted and basically sold the children to his sister (La Chapa?) so that he and his friend could drive all the way to Philly and hang out with Kail and crew to make sure she isn’t giving handies to the band on the tour bus.  Personally I like how Javi walked into the hotel room and pretended he didn’t just throw a bitch fit.  He just gave Kail gross little face kisses and gave her “apologies” by actually saying, “I’m giving apologies.”  Um, yeah, I don’t think that’s how that really works.  If these two get a divorce I hope it’s well documented and maybe, just maybe, it will be in the form of Pop Up Video.  Please join my prayer circle.

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Speaking of people who are on the brink of “the divorce” we get to catch up with Leah and Jeremy for about 10 minutes this week, which is good for our ears but bad for our eyes.  It looks like Leah found her Halloween fright wig under the couch cushions and then tried to iron it and just placed it on her head for all of us to see.  She’s slowly turning into the Whitney of our generation.  Too soon?  Leah, Jeremy and Jeremy’s fingers are having a discussion about Corey the Beaver trying to get the girls every other week.  The conversation starts off well, but then I legit lose what the hell Leah is talking about.  Even Jeremy is looking at her like, “Bitch, where’s my drugs?”

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Later, the girls are going absolute ape shit in the the double wide.  They’re all freaking out because they want cookies that are in the refrigerator that Leah says have “gone bad” and needs to be thrown out.  Uh, they live in West Virginia.  Everything has gone bad.  Gracie Lee Loo Sue Who is throwing fits and haymakers and finally gets a timeout and the little baby is also getting a timeout for reasons that are unclear to me.  You know who’s ba da ba ba ba lovin’ all the punishments?  The one with the glasses.  I believe it’s something like Alia Laquisha Lataka.  She’s just at her coloring book smirking and giving the side eye to anyone she can connect with.  I knew she was always my favorite.

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Other then general trashing it up at home, I always love when Leah heads out to a restaurant because, let’s face it, you know these places are minutes away from being shut down by the board of health.  This time around she’s goes to some dump with her sister and she may or may not be drinking a mimosa for dinner.  I say good for her.  If this was my life I’d be serving myself bourbon whiskey mimosas, iced coffees and infused water on the regular.  I also applaud Leah’s 80’s green leather jacket and like someone emailed me on my Facebook page her “Barbara Mandrell” hairdo.  She’s freaking out about having to take her court ordered “hair follicle” drug test but I love how she keeps referring to it by its full name.  Can’t she just cut off a few pieces of her weave and have them test that?  I wonder if they can test her for rickets too all at the same time?

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Now I may have been falling in and out of slumber, but at one point did Leah say she was so sick before from her “medication” that she was crawling to the “commode?”  She did, right?  Looks like someones ‘Ziggy Word-a-Day’ calendar is really starting to pay off!  Later Leah’s lawyer calls her to let he know the dreaded drug test results are in, so she has to go see her to get them.  Is this something lawyers usually do?  I have no clue, but I do know I’m missing the blonde lawyer she usually uses.  This time it’s some other chick with a Sears power suit and she’s really doing a great job recapping everything for us.  Was anyone else as nervous as me?  I was pretty sure she was going to be found guilty and then the jury would vote to give her the electric chair because I’m also certain that’s how all this works.  Sadly, she was found not guilty of taking illegal drugs and she was also found not guilty in the murder of Nicole Brown Simpson.  Geesh we’ll never know who did that now!?

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Finally we’re on to the best of the best.  Jenelle.  She’s just about to leave for her much needed St. Thomas vacation with Nathan.  They are so tired of looking after their 3 day old baby that they need to get away for a while and just have some fun without all the kids (?) who live in their home.  They’re going to most likely chain Kaiser to the radiator and leave him a little sugar water in a bowl to keep him alive for the week.  But, per usual, Jenelle can’t just leave in peace because she’s trying to get in touch with Barb so she can say bye to Jace and let him know that she’s his mom.

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Since Barb is the wiley little minx we all love, every time Jenelle calls she just lets it go into voicemail.  But Jenelle is relentless so Barb picks up her phone and then hangs it back up.  So Jenelle keeps calling and Barb just turns the phone off altogether.  I love it.  I bet Barb was like (insert voice), “Look Jenelle, yaw not gonna just call me on my cell phone to say ‘see ya latah’ to Jace and then go have a la-di-da time in The Saint Thomas for a week with your son-of-a-bitch-boyfriend, Nathan.  Good-bye, Jenelle, I’m hangin’ up on you.”  And end scene.

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Jenelle ends up crying on her stairs and screaming, “But I just want to see my son.  I want to see Jace!”  I was surprised she didn’t say, “I just want to see my son.  Jason, is it?”  God if she wants to see him so bad why not just watch the episode of Teen Mom where she signed custody of him over to Barb?  I mean the look on his face was priceless.  I’m pretty sure that moment alone was what inspired him to sing that “The world is a rainbow” song.  But either way, Jenelle is over it and it’s time to head on her vacation to paaaaaaaaaaarty!  Little does Jenelle know, Nathan is going to propose to her whilst on vacation. We all learn this when he tells his brother (who isn’t a professional wrestler?) and his brother’s girlfriend who…I can’t.

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They’re all having the time of their lives in St. Thomas and are really trashing up the island, I’m sure, for everyone else who is vacationing there.  I have to admit Jenelle really does seem so happy when she is drinking and doesn’t have children.  It really agrees with her.  She should go that Caitlyn and Tyler route and just call it a day.  Of course, the best moment of the entire episode/my life was the few seconds we got with Barb this episode where she got on Jace’s trick bike in the driveway and starts riding, spinning around, and squealing with delight!  Not only was it a real joy to watch, but all the spinning on that bike really helped to dry Barb’s half-spiked/half-bangs hairdo.  She really is a national treasure.

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In the end, everyone is out to dinner and Nathan decides (probably after crushing a case during the day) that now is the time to propose.  So he stands up and makes an announcement to the restaurant about how much he loves Jenelle and then he gets down on one steroid knee and asks Jenelle to marry him.  Her response?  “Yes.  I thought you were never going to do this.”  Awww true love.  I’m so glad they made it over that “90% of couples fighting” hump that she was talking about for 20 minutes this episode.

Oh, and Chelsea went to a Christmas play.

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