Teen Mom 2 Recap: I Hate You Both. Never Talk to Me Again.

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Welcome back folks.  It’s time for another episode of “The Kids Are Kinda Pointless Now.”  This week we get to see if all the moms give up their children for Lent.  Spoiler Alert:  Yes!  Also, speaking of spoiler alerts click here to follow me on Facebook.  You’ll love it/hate it.  Be sure to recommend me to two-to-seven of your friends as well.  And as always, thanks for the support by clicking the “Recommend Button” that’s all over this place so you can share it with your friends.  It makes me feel all warm inside and reminds me there is a heart in there somewhere (behind the booze).

Jenelle – Snack time is officially over so get back to your seats and bathroom breaks are canceled because Jenelle is busy actually studying for some form of a test that isn’t drug/urine/lie-detector related.  Our Little Ms. Smiles is really starting to grow up.  Apparently she’s studying all the muscles in the body (that you can probably hide weed inside) for an upcoming test.  I laughed out loud (or LOL as the kids say in 1998 AOL chatrooms) when I saw her paper skeletons.  You totally know she was studying those so she could point out exactly where Pirate Mike touched her naughty-no-no.  I bet he said things like, “Baaaaarrrrb is gone for the day so let me see ya varrrrrrgina!” You know, standard pirate-like things.  Big J’s roommate is all inquisitive about the Keiffah situation and wants to know if Jenelle would be with him had Gary II not been in the picture.  She’s so nosy.  It’s like, get a life roomie.  I jest.  I too want to know.  Celebs…they’re just like us!  Jenelle doesn’t think she really has feelings for Special K anymore…but also admits that legally she isn’t allowed to see him.  So, well, there’s that.  It’s basically like the law that Walmart has in which Barb is never allowed to slice honey ham and honey turkey on the same machine without wiping it down.  So, same/same.  Also, I could go for a sub.  Italian sub with everything but no onions and no hots.  Universe, make it happen.  Eh, nothing.

Even more good news!  Barb bought herself a new house!  I mean, I’m sure it’s just rented but I’m not judging.  The only thing that really gets my goat (named Larry) is that I feel like she moved to get away from me.  Is that wrong?  Either way, the new house is as colorful as Barb’s heaaaaarrrt.  She’s like, “You know Jenelle, you like my new house?”  And Jenelle does her best Kristen Stewart and just says, “Yeah, I like it so far.”  WTF does she mean, so far?  Like, does she think the house is going to turn on her or something?  Maybe it does.  Maybe the house tricks her into smoking “da weed?”  Barb’s blue shirt really pops on camera in front of those newly painted lime green walls.  Eh, at least this house won’t have hook marks all over the walls thanks to Pirate Mike.  Later, Jenelle and Gary II head to breakfast so Gary II can order gritz and eat it with a knife, you know, cause he’s protecting our freedom and so that makes sense.  We get to be a fly on the greasy wall and listen to these two geniuses have a conversation.  Jenelle let’s Gary II know that she loves him more than Kieffah mainly because he has a job, doesn’t sleep in a car, and doesn’t make her break into homes and then sleep in them.  Evidently my bar is way too high.

However all “good things” must come to a crashing end.  Tori spilled the beans over text to Jenelle that she banged Gary II “hours before” they started dating.  Jenelle is crushed and after 4-months isn’t sure if she’d be able to marry Gary II now…even though he hasn’t proposed.  So that’s where we’re at.  If there is one thing that we’ve really learned from life (and by life, I of course me old episodes of 90210) it’s that the Brenda/Dylan/Kelly drama reinvents itself over and over again in all of our lives.  Now I know what you must be thinking.  You’re saying,”But IBBB, the Peach Pit is no longer in our lives, how could this be?”  I would respond with a loving, “Stop asking me dumb childish questions.”  The point is, is that it wouldn’t be a standard episode of Teen Mom 2 if Jenelle wasn’t moving in or out of a new home…and it wouldn’t be a standard crapisode if her boyfriend-o-da-week wasn’t stopping by to pack up his crap and leave.  This time around Gary II is trying to defend himself to Big J for banging the bag out of Tori (Spelling?).  Apparently Jenelle introduced him to her when they were all just “friends” and the next thing you know alcohol was involved and penis and vag were playing the magnet game.  I’d say Gary II was a complete weasel, but obviously he scores extra points for the Red Sox hat two weeks in a row.  He’s like the Nomar of our generation.  I have no idea.  Anysox, after Gary II tries to explain the situation that he was drunk, they were just friends at the time, and he could have banged any one of Jenelle’s friends (sweet) he is about to pack up his crap but Jenelle beats him to the punch and starts tossing his pants into a box that just happens to be there.  I’ll assume the real estate agent knew empty boxes would be needed again within 5 days of moving in.  It’s kind of rude, however, that Jenelle is using Keiffah’s future portable home to help Gary II pack.  #Manners

Suddenly this turns into a fight like we haven’t seen since the days of Amber punching Gar Bear in the face and then kicking his fat a** and 27″ television down a flight of stairs.  Jenelle makes a break for the door and Gary II kinda closes it shut on her.  Bravo, for taking a strategy directly out of Gar Bear’s playbook.  Something tells me that Jenelle being caught between the door and the reality of her life probably isn’t the best mix.  Plus, good luck getting your security deposit back when there is a hat-shaped cutout in the living room with pieces of scalp sprayed to and fro.  Anyway, Jenelle seems stunned for a moment and then clocks Gary II in the chest and warns him to get away before she punches him in the facia bruta.  God I love when this show turns into an episode of COPS.  The shaky camera work really makes me squeal with delight like a pig in heat or in mud.  Either way, there was squealing.  It’s been a while.  The look on the roommates face is priceless and I say that only because I have no money to give her for it.  You know what I mean.

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Chelsea – Surprise!  I know, I’m just as surprised as you are that I’m going to recap the absolute piss out of Chelsea this week.  It’s like I’ve awakened from a fog.  A South Dakotian fog.  Is that  a thing?  It’s a big day for Chelsea because she’s finally starting her first day of beauty school.  And, at the same time, Aubree is going to be starting daycare at place called Trunks and Tykes.  I’m sure there are not diddling innuendos in there at all.  Chelsea by the Sea is caking on the makeup like she’s about to audition for Circus of the Stars.  Dear God I wish they’d bring that show back.  At one point I had no clue it was even Chelsea putting on makeup. I was like, “Who is that dapper young man playing with his mothers whore-face-lotion?”  Maybe Randy was getting frisky and trying out another side of life.  Either way, Chelsea is sad that Aubree is going to be playing with other kids instead of trying to make her into a 19 year old girl who sweats leopard print and is still doing the fist-bump that stopped being cool as soon as Barack and Michelle debuted it on Ellen.  As one would think.  Aubree is a smart little girl and is able to pick out her own coat in the pile of clothes that’s scattered all over the floor like they live in a homeless shelter and it’s “shopping night.”  No joke, I was impressed because her leopard coat was in a pile of leopard print clothes.  It was like Where’s Waldo: Toddler Edition.  Chelsea drops off Aubree at school and Aubree looks like she has a little relief on her face.  Perhaps she defecated in the back of the orange Jeep prior to this scene. One may never know.  Watching Chelsea with her orange face drive in her orange Jeep was like watching a set of eyes and teeth cart Aubree around town.  It was like Ghost Dad all over again.  Rent it.

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Chelsea’s first day of school was as magical as I thought it would be.  The classroom was a dump and there were boxes and trash everyone.  It was like Aubree’s coat-room.  My favorite part, of course, was the mannequin heads all over the place.  They were ghetto and I loved them.  It was like all the ex-members of Destiny’s Child in the same place at the same time.  Did your heart start to race as soon as they had to do ice-breakers or was it just mine?  Trick question.  I am, of course, sans heart.  I kinda wish the whole episode was just about the “classmates” because they were quite the hot mess.  Do people still say hot mess?  is that like the fist bump?  Am I old?  Either way, Chelsea is afraid to talk to everyone yet once she does she lets them know that she has a little girl who’s in daycare.  Uh, no sh*t.  Why do they think the cameras are there and the reason why they had to sign waivers that said “MTV and Teen Mom” across the top of them.  Plus, it’s a Dakota.  What tv show really could be filming there besides Teen Mom?  Later Chelsea picks up Aubree from the diddle factory and Aubree seemed actually happy to see her.  Clearly she doesn’t take after Adam.  Although their arms are around the same size.  Sidenote, mine are smaller.  What what!?  I loved how they stopped by Lois Griffin’s house to make sure that her mom would be forced to tell her she’s proud of her.  Nothing like making someone say it.  Eh, guilty on all counts here too.  Lois is totally psyched that she’s going to be getting some free haircuts in the future.  Hopefully something can even out that bowl-cut-mullet she’s rocking.  It really makes the embroidered snowman on her maroon sweatshirt pop.

In the end, Chelsea is fresh out of the shower (with a face full of makeup) and chatting it up with her friend all with a towel wrapped around her head.  She’s still playing that game of, “My OPP/IUD/PYT fell out and Adam came over and did sex to me and I might be pregnant.”  Yawn.  We know she’s not.  Randy would literally reach in and pull it out…and then clean its teeth.  I would assume.  If Chelsea didn’t have any protection during sexy-time she could have at least kept that beautiful towel wrapped around her head.  That’ll do the trick.  P.S., her friend looked pissed that she wouldn’t have an abortion if she was pregnant.  Just think of the possible spin-off!  “20 and Abortion.”  It has a nice ring to it.

Leah – Hey y’all it’s the same thing each week with me and my jacked up love life, y’all!  Look.  I don’t know what it’s like to be 19 and have two young kids, one who sports purple glasses.  I know what it’s like to be 19 and have two young kids, one who sports red glasses.  She’s my little Sally Jesse Raphael.  But that’s another story for another time.  All I do know, however, is that these chicks live and play in absolute squalor.  Plus that puffy leather couch looks like it itches and, most likely, gives out crabs.  I’m surprised the entire camera crew doesn’t get a tetanus shot every time they’re done filming in there.  Per usual, Square Hair is there (rhyme, rhyme, rhyme) to ask the questions that the producers force her to ask.  These questions all have to do with if Leah still has feelings for Corey.  While Leah isn’t fully sure, the daddy issues she has that are so evident even to a semi-professional Geneticist like myself, we know that she does.  She will admit, sort of, that if Corey was simply willing to just work on things with Leah she’d leave Jeremy in a hot second.  I mean, I’m sure she’d get pregnant a few more times before she left him, but she’d leave him nonetheless.  It’s like the vows are writing themselves.

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Later Jeremy, Leah, and “the girls” head out to dinner and it seems like the worst thing in the world.  No joke, are the twins mic’d?  I seriously had to mute my tv a few times because non-glasses wouldn’t stop screaming and dumping her plate over.  Everyone there looked absolutely dirty and sticky.  And so did the twins.  See what I did there?  Leah and Jeremy get to walk us down memory lane on where they first met “Facebook” and how Leah kept calling him a “creeper” on Facebook.  I mean, either way she gave a stranger her number online so it’s not really that shocking that she ended up pregnant, no?  She should be thanking her lucky stars she didn’t end up dead.  Meanwhile, as all of this is going on poor Corey is back at his dad’s house sitting on the couches that were most likely used on the set of Roseanne and we’re forced to try and piece together what in the holy hell these two are talking about.  Most importantly, does Corey have a permanent cold?  If someone sends me his address I will ship him a box of Breathe Right strips.  He breathes like he’s morbidly obese…or like Gary trying to run from Amber when she’s in heat.  So, yeah, kinda like that.  As always, I feel bad for Corey.  He broke up with Summer, his summer-fling, and may still have feelings for Leah but doesn’t know what to do.  I say go for it!  And by “it” I mean “the door” and don’t turn back.  Dude, this is your ticket outta here!  I’d leave 25 cents on the counter for “the twins” child support…which I believe is 10 cents higher than the going rate in West Virginia…and just run.  Why Jeremy wants to even be involved in any of this is beyond me.  I mean, let him have her…and her…and her.  It’s like, it’s his penis getting cut up thanks to Leah’s braces, dude, not yours.  So just run.  I should be a therapist.

Poor Corey can’t seem to keep his feelings to himself, so he calls up Leah simply to let her know that the reason why he broke up with Summer was because he still has feelings for her and he just wanted to let her know that.  I think that’s sweet.  Also, I have actual mental problems.  Leah looks like she doesn’t fully grasp what’s being said, but that could just be the look she’s giving as she’s chewing at her face.  When in the hell do these braces come off because I can’t take another scene.  In the end, while laying in a pile of trash in her bed, Leah lets Jeremy know that Corey calls and spilled his feelings beans all over her.  Jeremy is just like, “Well y’all gonna figure that out sometime there soon, y’all?”  It was like constant banjos and the sounds of dueling four-wheelers playing in my head.  Luckily, Leah buys herself a little bit of time by putting this all back on Jeremy by letting him know that he makes it hard for her since he’s away all week at work.  So it’s basically his fault if she goes running back to Corey’s beaver teeth.  Ahhh West Virginian love.  So simple.  So true.

Kail – She’s the new Chelsea for me.  It was, however, nice to see Janet for 11 seconds wearing a nice white shirt that may or may not have been her old wedding dress cut into a new fly-girl costume.  Janet FTW!  Children grow and women producing, men go working, some go stealing.  Everyone’s got to make a living.  Don’t be fooled by the mustache she rocks, she’s still, she’s still Janet from the block.

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