Teen Mom 2 Recap: Bustin’ Balls on Minimum Wage With Your Discover Card

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Jenelle – Trouble in paradise already?  The Lucy and Ricky of our generation are already starting to get into some serious fights because of all the pressure that they’re under.  No, I’m not talking about the fact that they are basically homeless, stole credit cards, or look like trash box’s on national television, I’m talking about fights over not getting into the right lane on the highway and going the wrong way.  Well at least they have their priorities in order.  Also, with Kieffah’s new haircut he’s like the new Jan Brady!  Thank God he doesn’t have glasses on right now because glasses will make him look positively goofy and Dougie Goodwin will never ask him to the Fall Harvest dance!  Seriously, what in the holy crystal meth am I talking about?

Jenelle needs to head out to vent about her problems so she goes to her friend Amber’s “house” because that makes the most sense right about now.  Seriously, if Amber could just get a liquor license I swear to Santa Christ she could turn her “house” into one of those campy white-trash themed bars in about 42 minutes.  I mean, not only does she have a broken down ramp to get to her front door, but she also has glass dolphins hanging from the ceiling…meaning that she had to get the idea, get string, measure, cut, tie, and tack these magical dolphins to the ceiling because she thought, “Yeah this place needs more chachkies…especially hanging from the ceiling.”  Score.  Anyheap, Jenelle is basically blaming Blessed Mother Barb Evans for her not having any money, Internet for school work, or her son.  Yeah, that’s all Barb’s fault. I mean, it is a little but lay off Barb.  She’s good people.

What an absolute treat when Jenelle stops by the house for coffee and pastries with her beloved mother verbal smack downs and slurred insults with Barb.  If I were Vicki “All Things” Gunvalson I’d be shouting out a “Woo Hoo!” right about now.  Personally I’m upset that Barb isn’t wearing her dutiful blue shirt, but I’m more upset that the editors of this show can’t automatically make her white shirt easily blue.  Oh, and here’s reason #762 (of this week) on why me gusta “el Barb.”  When Jenelle walks in, Barb just slurs “We gotta talk ’bout this credit caaaahd mess.  So, errr, (insert more moans and slurs) ahhh you gonna tell me ’bout it?”  Someone cue Gunvalson and cue her quick.  And while the fight ensues we learn (although I’m sure we all already had a bit of a hunch) that Barb, well, Barn “ain’t so good” with “the numbers.”  Apparently she thinks that Jenelle owes over $700, but Jenelle is clearly pointing out that it’s only $400.  I’d spend more time trying to figure this one out, but then Barb drops the fact that she “Didn’t chaaaage nuthin’ on my damn Discovaaah caaaahd, Jenelle.”  I don’t know why I laughed out loud when she stated that she had a Discover card, but I did.  Oh Barb, national treasure.

As if things couldn’t get any better for me right now, Barb continues her verbal assault and says the following that I would please like to have set as my alarm clock every morning…for the rest of my life…and even bring to Heaven (or most likely hell) if at all possible:

  • …and then you go and you think and that think you can pay for yaw boyfriend cuz he’s HUNgry?
  • …and when you and Kieffaaah are havin’ a la-de-da time, I’m bustin my balls tryin’ to God damn survive!
  • …I’m makin’ barely more than minimum wage (sniff)
  • …yaw payin’ me in one lump sum unless…alright…well we’re goin’ ta court.
  • I don’t wanna hear this, CUZ YOU KNOW WHAT? You haven’t been around since this baby’s been baaawn.
  • …that baby woulda been in your caaah on the way to New Jersey!

I mean where do we even go with any of this gold?  The pawn shop?  Never.  I would never sell these gems.  First off, when Barb mentioned about paying for Keiffah because he’s hungry I couldn’t get “What Would You Do? by City High out of my head.  Second, “La de Da” time?  Absolute brilliance.  Don’t change a thing.  Ever.  And “making minimum wage?”  The only thing that may have made that better was if she said, “I’m slicing a quartaah pound of Land-o-Lakes American cheese sliced thin for the patrons at Walmart every friggin’ day!  I’d love to brainstorm with Barb before next season.  Fingers crossed.

While things look like they might be looking up for Jenelle after she gets the financial aid office to send her the check again, things take another turn for the worse when she gets fired from her part-time waitressing job for not showing up for two days and not answering the calls from her boss.  We learn that she gets fired when she calls her job…from standing outside in front of the restaurant but basically hiding in the bushes and her boss calls her “young lady” and wishes her good luck and hopes she treats the next place she goes to with more respect.  The next place meaning, like, hell?  Also, young lady?  I would like it if people only referred to Barb as young lady and not Jenelle.  At first I was thinking what a screw up Jenelle was for getting fired, but then I remembered she had Teen Mom 2 money coming any day now and I’ve seen her on the cover of countless magazines so joke. is. on. me.

Next up, since Kieffah pretty much flew the coop Jenelle has no where to stay so she’s sleeping in her car at the beach…with a camera crew and boom mic operator with her.  Awkward.  What if she has to fart?  They must know.  Anyway, while all this is going on Barb trucks it over to her lawyer, with whom she embraces when she sees him.  I’m sure she wanted to give him a quick 1, 2, 3 dry hump if she could.  And, she could, because she’s Barb and she can do anything she wants!  Basically Barb learns that she either has to press charges against Jenelle, which means she’ll have a tough time ever getting a job again, or just suck it up and pay her Discovaaah caaaahd.  Just when I thought Barb was fully understanding she just goes, “Oh well maybe I can get some court ordered counseling.”  Um, sure?  Great.

And here’s why I truly do love me some Barb-o-Matic.  Even though her little b*tch of a daughtaaah is a mess and stole from her, when she finds out that she’s sleeping in her car she invites her to come back home.  Good old Barb.  Half the time I think they’re both in on this big scheme to make good television and, well, it’s working and it’s smart and I applaud them and I envy them and I am amused by them and I love them and I want to go to North Carolina to play flip cup with them.  These are all things I feel.

In the end, Jenelle does go back to Barb Manor and Barb fills in Jenelle that she needs to call the credit card company and try to cut a deal with them so she doesn’t face “jail time.”  Barb also thinks that Jenelle needs to grow up before she ends up living a life of crime.  Oh, we’ll get to that next week.

Chelsea – Seriously Chelsea’s scenes (all of them) have turned into a mix of Chinese water torture and water-boarding to me.  I’d rather try to teach a fingerless person how to finger paint than watch and/or write about this.  But alas, I’ll try to throw something together.  Chelsea has her friend over who, once again, looks just like her except that she’s more horse-like which makes me want to brush her mane.  We learn that Social Services has sent Chelsea a letter informing her that Adam owes over $2,000 in child support.  Ruh-roh!  Looks like Adam is going to have to sell some of his cut-off t-shirts in order to pay this bill.

Later while out having lunch with, you guessed it, her dad (Randilicious) Chelsea is sporting a pink hat that’s the perfect mix between Audrina’s beret and Meg Griffin’s permanent knit cap.  These are a few of my favorite things.  Chelsea and her dad are having a whine-fest over the fact that Chelsea still can’t manage to get her GED (at this point I’m sure Amber is out-pacing her) because she claims that the baby is too distracting to her.  That’s nice.  Blame the baby.  I’m sure she’ll love to hear that soundbite played back to her on a loop when she’s in a lifetime of therapy over the fact they her stepdad also happens to be her Grandpa.  Anyway, how about the TV show that Chelsea’s filming?  Couldn’t that be distracting?  What about the constant fighting with stick-figure Adam?  Any distraction there?  Yeah, I thought so.  Stop blaming your kid and start blaming your tan.

Since Chelsea really needs to buckle down and get ready for her GED she decides to spend some time studying…at a Starbucks…with her baby. Shocker, she couldn’t study.  Que Suerte!  Next thing you know Adam ends up calling her because he wants to see the baby the next day.  However, Chelsea won’t let that happen because she already has scheduled plans for the following day.  Duh!  It’s a Saturday, of course she has plans.  It’s called GTL.  Except she’ll probably replace the “G” with an “M.”  And of course “M” stands for “McFlurry” at this point.

Next up Chelsea has her friends over so that they can all stalk Adam on Facebook to see what he’s been up to because, you know, a scheduled event and camera crew are both needed for this activity.  They find out that Adam already has a new girlfriend and he’s living with her.  Her one friend claims that Adam’s new girlfriend looks like a mix between a bulldog and a mouse.  Yeah, this is coming from a girl who looks like a mix between Ricki Lake and Snooki.

So now they’re just filming at Adam’s girlfriends place?  That’s awkward, no?  And, I must admit, she kind of does look like a mix between a bulldog and a mouse.  I take back my cheap shot to Chelsea’s friend.  I mean, I’m not deleting it, but I take it back (from the universe).  The best thing that came out of this pointless scene is that Adam claims that with all the child support he’ll owe until Aubree is 18 it’s going to total $52K.  Oh, boo-hoo for Adam.  By the time Aubree is 18 her first year of college alone with be $52K, so relax there buddy.  We also learn that Adam has applied for a job…at Walmart!  Awesome!  I pray to Jesus Claus that this Walmart is for some reason in North Carolina and that Barb is his boss in the deli.

In the end, Chelsea calls Adam one more time with her dad and her friends present to ask him about child support again.  He ends up, to no surprise, being a complete douche over the phone and Chelsea’s dad doesn’t rip the phone out of Chelsea’s hand and tell Adam that he’s going to sit on him.  Go figure.  More importantly, what the F is Aubree drinking out of her bottle this time?  I know before it looked like apple juice (or hot piss), but this time there is orange in her bottle.  Fluorescent orange.  Like, Fanta.  Eh, what do I care.  Sugar it up!  Blonk!

Kailyn – Somehow with everything that is going on with the breakup and move-out with Jo, Kail and her mom have become the Laverene and Shirley of our generation.  Suzi ends up showing up at the coffee shop to meet with Kail looking like a polka-dot princess that just knocked over a 7-11 next door and is hoping no one at the coffee shop can identify her.  Here’s the thing, she tells Kail that she should file for joint custody to make sure she has it legally in writing and then, well, then she calls her daughter by her first name?  I legit hit rewind 6 times (no joke) and I’m pretty sure she called her “Kai Lan”  Like “Ni Hao, Kai Lan.”  I was like, figures Suzi’s so strung out on meth that she thinks she’s figgin Japanimation at this point.  I kinda hoped that Kai Lan would call her mom “Ming Lee.”  Then they could get a spin-off called something like “Kai Lan and Ming Lee’s $5 Dollar Sucky Sucky.”  Oh I don’t know.  I’m just spit-ballin’ at this point.

The remainder to this crapisode has to do with Kail figuring out how to file joint custody and she ends up calling to find out exactly how to do this.  The lady on the phone is giving her all of her options in a clear and concise order, but you know the notebook that Kail is taking copious notes in is blank.  It’s probably because Isaac is busy playing with a plastic bag on the bed.  Good thing those are safe.  She should let him play with the cord on the mini-blinds while she’s at it too.  I mean, really up the anti.  Oh, and did Chelsea give Kail those leopard sheets for her bed?  Are leopard sheets the new “puffy leather couches?”  Are “the poors” taking over?

All the other typical things happen during Kail’s scenes that we’re use to seeing. She fails her chemistry test by getting a whopping 5 out of 11 (do they still give tests out of “11” in college?) and later she’s having another awkward lunch with her new “college friends,” Dumpy and Droopy Drawers, so she can fill them in on, you guessed it, the buzzword of the day which is “joint custody.”  Drink!

After Kail drops her chemistry class she heads off to the City Hall to officially file her paperwork for joint custody and Suzi busts in with her to help her pay the $145 fee since Kail doesn’t have any money since she’s spent all of it on brushes so she can make sure all of her side pony-tail falls down her left shoulder at all times. Was it just me or did it seem like Suzi was shaking when she was giving away the rest of her money to pay for this?  She’s going to have to up her $5 dollar sucky sucky to at least $8 dollars if she’s going to be able to pay her rent this month.  Also are both Kail and Suzi 6’8” with extra long alien-like fingers or is it just me?

Leah – “Hey y’all it’s me, Leah, and I’m reading from a script right now and having to sound out a lot of words.  It’s tough!”  I think I’m ready for this season to be over, I’m afraid to say.  It has been about 20 episodes, right?  Don’t get me wrong I’m not complaining, but I’m a little tired to having to sit and listen to Leah and Corey bickering about getting married and another episode filled with depressing doctors appointments.  If I wanted to be bummed out by medical issues I’d turn on the Discovery Channel and watch people spontaneously combust.  Anyway, during their 100th conversation about getting married, Corey is sucking up snot like Leah’s mom sucking up that list dime sized amount of mousse from the Suave can.  They finally decide to get married and I think that’s a great idea as I’m pumped to blog this wedding.  Oh, also does Leah have that problem that Whitney Port had where she placed “K’s” at the end of her words where “G’s belong?  Example:  Marriage is scary and, like, that’s my whole thinK”

What a real let down the cake scene was.  I mean, they’re actually having a camouflage themed wedding (called “camo” as the kids say) and so, therefore, they’re interested in getting a camo cake.  Why?  I mean, if everything is going to be camo I should be allowed to shoot rifles into the wedding and then claim I couldn’t see anyone.  Anyway, there should have been another 5 minutes of the cake scene, but they cut it short in about 60 seconds.  Boooo to that.  Plus, the cake that they taste-tested looks like the kind they give you a McDonald’s if you have a birthday there…so I’ve heard.

After a pointless day of ice-skating with Corey’s smelly hat, Leah and her mom head out to Kentucky so they can get a second opinion on the possible medical issues with Ali.  They, of course, end up staying at some flea-bag motel (which is awesome) and then we get to watch them straighten each others hair.  At first I was like, “YES!” but then I was immediately disappointed because I realized how much better it would have been if we got to see them do crunchy wet curls to each other.  Plus, I’d love to see her mom fry her bangs and then do wet curls.  Hopefully for the wedding?  Not likely.  What a world (insert sad face here).

So the remainder of this episode is basically filmed at the hospital and is depressing as all hell.  At least the doctors at this place aren’t douches and they seem to know what they’re doing.  The good news is that they really don’t find anything physically wrong with the baby, but the bad news is that she’s going to need to see a geneticist.  I don’t mean that’s the bad news, I just mean that the bad part is now having to listen to Leah try to pronounce “geneticist” on the regular.

In the end, Corey and crew are out getting fitted for their tuxedos and, to no disappointment; they’re all getting matching camo vests.  Terrific.  They should totally have a deer pull the flower girl up the aisle in a wagon and then shoot the deer once it makes it to the alter.  Oh, and Leah’s step-dad was there too and, well, he looks exactly like Leah’s mom.  I mean, I don’t want to insinuate that her husband is her brother but let’s just say if he had hair it would be crunchy and wet.

Episode Rating:  4 out of 4 Barb’s Busting Her Balls

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Related Teen Mom 2 Links:
White Trash With Black Trash Bags
Suzi, Our Unsung Skittish Hero
High, High.  Yaw Both High and Smokin’ Weeeed!
Teen Mom 2 Hits Up the Oregon Trail!

Jenelle’s Master Plan With the US Dept of Education

The Episode Where I Almost Ended Up on the Today Show
Join Jenelle’s Moms Facebook Fanpage

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