Teen Mom 2: Jenelle’s Neck Hickeys Means 6 More Weeks of Winter

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Jenelle – Well thank Santa Christ because we’re starting this shiz off on a brilliant note, which means that Jenelle is “goin’ out paaaahtyin’” Ole! She heads off to some sh*t-bums house where everyone already seems like they’re on a meth binge and suddenly, there he is. Keiffer. If there was more lighting on the deck I’m sure we’d see Cupid shoot Jenelle right in the anus. The conversation is worldly and includes topics like “Where you from?” to which the answer is ‘Here” and other such topics like “Y’all all right” to which the answer is “Yeah.” This is like foreplay for these people. Even though they’re sitting on opposite sides of the card table and haven’t touched yet, I’m almost certain Jenelle got pregnant from this heated exchange.

Moments later the conversation takes another turn and we learn that Keiffer never graduated from high-school. Go figure. He then wants to know if that still makes him sexy. Jenelle looks about ready to spread so this just might get good.

Meanwhile, Boobsie-Barbsie is dressed like Maw Kettle in her flashy hot-pink all cotton nightgown putting baby Jace to bed. For the love of God I hope that poor kid doesn’t get her accent.

The next morning Jenelle stumbles into Barb’s casa de crazy looking like she was in a “Menage a Trios” which I believe is French for “2 Ding Dongs and Whooptie Doo!” At this point I would like to act like a court stenographer and write word for word exactly the wonder that came out of Barb’s mouth when she saw Jenelle:

  • Um, where the hell have ya been Jenelle. Come heeeah!
  • Look at ya damn neck all those hickeys all over ya freakin’ neck, yeah.
  • That’s nice, nice job Jenelle. You got all those hickeys all over the neck like a little…
  • Your mutha is a bad girl. Bad. Bad. Bad.
  • You bettah, uh, put something on your neck that’s disgustin’.

Being a complete trash-bag, Jenelle is unable to take care of her baby for the day because she’s hungover. Actually, scratch that. She claims that she isn’t hungover…she says she’s just tired, has a headache, and feels like she’s going to puke. I know it would be waaay to soon to be morning sickness, but I have to admit, I’m really pulling out all my praying stops for this one. I’m actually genuflecting as I’m saying the rosary in front of my TV.

The “next day” Jenelle is going on an official “date” with Keiffer. Christ. Barb, the voice of reason, tells Jenelle that she hopes he’s not a pot head especially because she usually picks the wrong kind of guys. Barb also fills us in that she will meet him one day and will “critique” him. Please, my dead Lord, let that day be today.

The date. Where do we begin. She picks him up. She picks him up herself. She picks him up herself on the side of a dirt road. Odd that someone who hasn’t graduated high school isn’t driving a car. They end up going to an ice cream store that has a huge cone in a v-shape on the front that says “Open.” This, boys and girls, is what the playwrights like to call “foreshadowing.” You see, we can assume from this sign that Jenelle’s “giant V” will also be “open for business” as well. See how that works?

Whilst eating ice cream, Keiffer may or not be on some type of drug. I say this because, well, I’m pretty sure he has no clue that cameras are filming him and no recollection of this day as a whole. The ice cream is dripping everywhere and Jenelle keeps telling Keiffer to keep licking it.  Why Jenelle, you naughty little rabid minx!  She ends up using the nasty-gum-crusted picnic table to knock part of her ice cream off the cone.  Mmm sanitary. Minutes later Keiffer is taunting an alligator to eat him and looks shocked when the “gator” opens its mouth. Seriously, who goes on a date for ice-cream and “gator-watchin’” during the day? Or ever, for that matter. But alas, Jenelle is really living life and I’m just here blogging it and setting up Barb Facebook fan pages.

Later, Jenelle is heading out to school (?) and needs to pick up Keiffer and is running late. Barb makes sure to yell in Jenelle’s face to not speed on “Shipyard” because “they got them cameras there, Jenelle, cameras…get a ticket.” Honestly, I couldn’t love Barb any more than I do. Like, it’s not even close to possible. I’m thinking of printing out a picture of her, tossing it in a frame, and placing it on my desk in work. Actually, done and done! Oh, and why is there black Sharpie writing all over Jenelle’s bathroom mirror? Did it say something about a shower curtain? I is confused.

Stop the press. So Keiffer is, like, always on something right? Please tell me that he is because that’s the only way I can sleep at night. During their “lunch date” at the type of place that you catch syphilis, Jenelle asks him if he’s turned off by the fact that she has a baby. Huh? What exactly does she mean by that? She should have been like, “Are you ok with the fact that I shot a baby out of my vag and then signed over custody to my crackadilly mother with the best little accent money can buy?” Sadly, Keiffer is completely unphased by this because, folks, Keiffer thinks that scoring Jenelle is his “meal ticket” and, well, pretty much it is.

I love Jenelle’s friend Amber’s house. It’s the metal house, you know, with all the living room furniture outside growing mold? Yeah, that one. Well this time they’re sitting outside up against the metal house on kitchen chairs. Seriously, it’s like a set on SNL. I was just waiting for Miley Cyrus to come busting out the trailer doors and singing Party in the USA.

In the end, Jenelle brings Keiffer to meet her mom. Hooray! Thank you Jesus Claus for answering this prayer. Barb, of course is in her favorite blue shirt, and is asking Keiffer about his family and, of course, is lack of job. He spews out something about walking from Myrtle Beach with a 40 pound bag of clothes. Huh? Why? Then he talks about with his “resume” he can walk into any restaurant kitchen and get a job…but he still doesn’t have one. Barb, for once, was tight lipped and I’m not talking about “downstairs.”  And can someone please tell me what restaurant he thinks he’ll be working at because I’d like to intervene and pass out Tetanus shots in the parking lot.

Friggin hickeys all ova ya neck.

Chelsea – I’m actually contemplating not recapping any of these other moms as I’m going to dedicate my life to Jenelle and Barb and, well, that’s good enough for me, but I guess a few other (yawn) things happened with the rest of these girls, like Chelsea for example. Chelsea and her white boyfriend, who’s unaware that he’s white, head out to the zoo with their baby. They’re all enjoying the animals licking each others asses and then they want the baby to let the animals kiss and lick her hand. Yum. How’s your foot and mouth disease? I mean, I don’t even know what that is or if that’s how you get it, but let’s just assume “yes” and “probably.”

Later Chelsea’s dad comes over to her house that he pays for to tell her that he’s heard rumors that she’s back with Whitey McAdams. I’m sorry, where is he hearing these rumors, cheerleading practice? Did someone pass him an origami note during 5th period social studies? Her dad, who has a ton of money yet oddly seems to be “free” at all hours of the day thinks she’s making the wrong decision by getting back with Adam and, well, he’s paying the bills…like all the bills, so she should listen to him. In fact, for some odd reason I’m listening to him.

Things turn more awkward than Chelsea’s white skunk streak and orange tan clashing in the summer sun when Adam is over trying to fix the AC and her dad suddenly shows up unexpected turning this scene into an episode of Three’s Company. I was just waiting for Mr Firley to pop out from behind the water tank and Chrissy to start jumping up and down, bouncing her boobs, whilst the audience squealed with delight. And, not for nothing, but why is her dad acting all skiddish about seeing Adam while he’s at the house? First off, he’s an adult. Second, he’s paying all the bills. Third, there are cameras on him so he should be tossing Adam out on his skinny little behind and immediately changing the locks.

In the end (or at least the part that I tuned back in for) Adam asks Chelsea to move into her rent-free home equipped with a camera crew and television show currently in production. Odd how he’d choose now to try and get back together with Chelsea. Plus, you totally know that he’s going to start banging Megan too. Hopefully he’s the dad of her unborn baby and this crap can start to get interesting and get interesting fast. Regardless, Chelsea talks to Megan about Adam moving in with the both of them and Megan looks like she’s about to puke in her mouth over the idea. Perhaps she just has tanning booth poison. One may never know.

Kailyn – Time for Droopy! We randomly kick things off right off the bat with Jo wanting Kailyn to treat him to lunch so they can talk about “us.” Kailyn’s paying? I have a feeling this is going to be a side-salad and water (no ice) kind of meal. During their heart-to-heart conversation in which neither of them look at each other whilst talking, per usual, Jo calls the guy she was dating from (puke) Sports Authority a “douche-bag” and suddenly I like Jo. He decides for some reason that he wants them to be a family again, but Kail just isn’t sure. What isn’t she sure about? Doesn’t she know her alternative which is living with her mom and her 16 distinct personalities? I mean, that would be great for us, the viewers, and pretty much comic gold but it’s a terrible idea for sad, emotionless, Kail.

Later, Kail goes school shopping at Staples with her friend, the white VaDeena from Jersey Shore. Note to self, young girls of America, shopping at Staples will probably end up getting you pregnant. While shopping for school supplies her friend gets over $100 in dumb crap like tacks and markers because apparently she’s going to a college where there’s recess and decorating time. Dump heap. Kail on the other hand spent about $6.00 and is going into overdraft to pay for it. Her friend looks at her like you can “catch poor” but if Kail steps up her trashiness and gets a second season of Teen Mom under her belt she’ll end up making more than the white VaDeena and her family combined. Just a little prediction.

The “next day” Kailyn heads off to her colleges financial aid window (?) with her long hair draped down her shoulder like she’s Kyle from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Kail? Kyle? Hmm, interesting yet not so. Anyhorsesmane, Kail learns she owes $1500 for the semester. I thought good deal, but apparently not and she can’t afford to pay that now, so the financial aid lady is allowing her to make weekly payments of about $300 a week, but Kail can’t afford that either. The financial aid lady asks her how much she can afford to pay this week and Kail responds, “nothing.” The lady is looking at her like, “Well then you can’t learn for free, b*tch, so sell your mothers hooptie. Blonk!” That one was for NeNe.

Speaking of money and miracles, Kail’s mom makes an appearance in this episode to watch the baby for 10 minutes and Kail ends up asking her mom for the money and without batting a trembling eye she says…”oh, no I don’t have it.” Shocker. She does know she is her mother, right? Last week she was like, “oh where are you going to live” when Kail doesn’t know if she can live with Jo anymore and now this? Also, her mom looks like she’s about to dart the F out of the house at a moments notice.

Kail ends up having to ask Jo for the money and, sadly, he ends up saying yes. Honestly, she seems so ungrateful. And that’s just covering the next two weeks of payments. What’s she going to do after that? And more importantly, where the hell has Janet been? I feel like I needed some tough love in this episode and she was nowhere to be found besides a 3 second kitchen walk by. I love you Janet. Not as much as Barb, but I love you. Me gusta.

Leah – Ugh. This one. Maci Jr. Well at least this episode doesn’t focus on sad baby health, but nothing else really that interesting happens either. Maybe I’m just going through Barb withdrawals. I have the shakes. Anyjunk, Leah heads to beach with Corey and his family. The beach wasn’t that bad, but that pool? Nasty. Whilst at the beach one baby pukes in the water and they just laugh. This is the main reason I don’t go in the water at the beach. Baby vomit.

Later (please let this almost be over) Corey decides he wants to move in with Leah so they’re going to a get a new place closer to his work. I was waiting for him to break down in tears when she said yes, but even that was a disappointment. In order to celebrate this wonderful time they all end up having a BBQ at Corey’s house whilst his parents, once again, watch the babies. They’re all drinking out of red keg cups. This is like a white-trash version of Laguna Beach. God I miss that show. We even get to meet Leah’s sister, and I’m surprised to notice she doesn’t have slicked down bangs and wet curls. More on this topic later.

Oh, is it later? Leah ends up having lunch with her mom to discuss Corey and her moving in together and her mom thinks that this is all happening much too fast. Boring. You know what isn’t boring? Her moms frizzy bangs with wet curls in the back. Yowza what the hell happened? If she saw that in the mirror wouldn’t she just rewash her hair and start all over again? Honestly, she looks like Corky’s girlfriend Amanda. I’m sorry, she just does. It needed to be said. There’s nothing wrong with that, but she does.

In the end it’s moving day for Corey and Leah! Why is there a moving truck? Isn’t the whole house on wheels? At least they have more room to place their “puffy leather” all over the house and do they ever. Do. They. Ever. All their friends help them to paint their new home all sorts of ugly colors and they celebrate their hard work by walking into the backyard and going into the river that looks like it’s filled with chocolate milk. Cleanly. I was like, do they live at Willy Wonka’s? And, was this the best location for a home as the twins could come dangerously close to the river on the regular? Put up a fence, trash bags. Blonk!

Episode Rating:  3 out of 4 Crying Farrah’s with a Bonus Yawning Ryan!

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Related Link:
Teen Mom 2 Season Premiere Recap:  Jenelle Fights Her Mom

Jenelle’s 16 & Pregnant Episode Recap – 2010
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