Teen Mom 2: I Guess We Know Who Didn’t Let the Dogs Out

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Time for another episode of “Does Everyone Have Fake Boobs Now, Or No?”  If you like this recap, please be sure to click the “Recommend Button” that’s all over this post so you can share it with your Facebook friends.  If 500 people recommend it, I’ll recap Chelsea’s segment next week.  So get to work, trash heaps!  Let’s go!

Jenelle – Ding!  The boobs are ready!  It’s been a week and Jenelle’s breasty breasterson’s are ready for prime time!  To be as supportive as he can, Jenelle’s boyfriend-o-da-month is wearing his red YOLO tank top.  We can all agree that YOLO is the new Ed Hardy and the old Carry On and…right?  Sayings need to stop.  Anyway, apparently Kieffah is texting Jenelle and letting her know that he wants to come and visit her in glamorous North Carolina from tropical New Jersey.  He probably just wants to see if Jenelle’s rack is filled with cocaine and the like.  I’m sure he’ll whack the rack with a stick like she’s a human pinata.  And by the way,  Big J is trying to play it off like she didn’t have body issues that badly, but I’m pretty sure she had a full on convo with Barb about boobs just a couple of weeks ago.  Perhaps if this Pinocchio could get her boobs to grow on their own like her nose does when she lies she wouldn’t be having money problems today.  Either way, we know that Gary is enjoying Jenelle’s new shirt rascals because he says, “Um, I like your boobs.”  Oddly enough I think that was Keiffah’s AOL screen-name.  What?  I bet they have dial-up on the grassy knoll.

Later Jenelle and Gary are cooking the perfect artery clogging dinner and inviting Barb and Jace…and Pirate Mike (!!) over so she can show off her new store bought boobies and have everyone get tough steak caught between their teeth.  Yum!  Pirate Mike can probably just take his teeth out to overcome this obstacle and, well, we all know Barb never had an issue with meat in her mouth.  She’s a pro!  Wink, wink!  Also, wink.  P.S., wink.  Speaking of wink.  Wink!  Barb was tickled pink of all the pageantry of dinner.  I for one was in awe of the plastic bowl of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese as well as the Daisy Sour Cream on the table.  A feast fit for kings!  Barb-o-Matic must have been truly enjoying her Zima with Chambord from her crazy-straw because she was giggling about Jenelle’s boobs and even poking at them.  At one point she said, “Whoa they’re as haaaaaaaahd as a rock!”  I immediately jumped up, high-fived myself, and then literally did 5 minutes of the Thriller dance.  I’m only kidding.  I did the extended 15 minute version.  Everyone is having a great time, especially Gary.  He’s joking with Jenelle’s mother and step-step-step father about how much he loves Jenelle’s new twins.  I’m sure those are the only two new babies he’s glad weren’t aborted.  Now just so I know, was that crossing some kind of a line?  Because initially I thought “yes” but then I was like “no, it’s fine.”  Either way, your opinion is invalid.  I’m kidding don’t ever leave me.  I’ll change!  I’ll change!  At one point, the conversation comes up about Kieffah and Pirate Mike gets all lippy and says, “I thought you got rid of that scum bag a long time ago!”  I stopped dead in my tracks (more like in my skid marks) because I’m not quite certain I’ve heard Pirate Mike ever say anything more than grunt.  Either way, this is like watching one of those Tyler Perry movies where he plays the role of everyone around the dinner table…except, you know, for the white people.

Well kids the gosh daaaaahn paahhhty is ovvaaaah.  Jenelle gets dropped off at Barb’s so she can “babysit” Jace which seems like is a good idea…for the first 13 seconds.  Then the drama sets in.  Evidently Barb was looking for Jace’s sippy cup and it was nowhere to be found.  This, I thought, could be solved in a calm way but apparently there is lack of calm in the Evan’s home.  Who knew?  Next thing you know Jenelle is trying to give Jace a bath and is calling Gary telling him that she’s going to spend 30 minutes with her friends and then come back and watch Jace.  Dude, get off your phone before Jace is swimming with the fishes, jerk!  I love how in  a case like this Gary is the actual voice of reason.  He’s yelling at Jenelle to stay home and watch Jace and then Barb starts yelling and then Jenelle starts yelling and then Jace starts crying and I hit mute.  For real.  I was like shuuuuut uuuuuuup!  Ugh, when white trash gets money this is what happens!  Barb starts yelling about how all Jenelle wants to do is smoke “da weed” and Jenelle is busy yelling back calling Barb a b*tch.  In case you missed any of that you could simply watch any episode during the first 3 seasons where the same exact fight took place.  Barb starts crying because she has to get to Walmart to slice processed meat for people who unfortunately are forced to buy their deli meat from Walmart.  It’s a vicious circle.  Jenelle storms off and I was waiting for Special K to show up and sweep her off her feet and bring her back to New Jersey but, alas, that never happened.

The “next day” Barb has to text Gary to watch Jace so she can work her “damn 7am shift!”  Once the day is over they bring Jace back to Barb’s house and Barb immediately starts yelling at Jenelle for being so irresponsible.  She starts saying that Jenelle is gaining weight because all she does is sit around and smoke week and suddenly it turns into “The Best of Barb” because she alters her voice and chimes in, “yaw always high, high, high, high.”  She threw in the 4th high just for good measure.  She then calls her a pothead and Jenelle storms off…probably “to do pot.”  Do you do pot?  I have no idea.  I just like a nice beer.

Kail – When the party was nice, the party was jumpin.’ Hey Yippie, Yi Yo!  Kail is about to have her friend B.B over with her daughter and is a little scared Javi’s dogs are going eat their faces off like Jenelle on bath salts (allegedly).  Similar to the Baha Men, Kail wants to know if Javi is going to take the dogs out, but Javi is taking a stand and letting her know he won’t let the dogs out (yippie yi yo!) because there is a hole in the fence dear Liza, dear Liza, there’s a hole in the fence, dear Liza a hole.  To be honest I’m not sure how many different songs I’m combining right now but my blackened heart is squealing with delight.  Truth be told, I don’t blame Kail for wanting those mutts put outside.  I’d take it a step further and just put the dogs down.  Feed ’em Pop Rocks and Coke and just let the heads fall where they may.  If it’s good enough for seagulls…  Anyway, as opposed to just fixing the damn fence, Javi runs upstairs and Gigi’s daughter throws a b*tch fit and falls on the floor whilst one of the dogs looks like its about to mark its territory all over her body.  Legit the girl is freaking out.  Seriously those dogs don’t even look nice.  And I don’t care what you say, they’ll turn on their owners one of these days.  I actually think that about all animals…and people.  More importantly this seems to be the perfect time to bring up something I just learned from Facebook (click here to follow me).  Did you know sea otters hold hands when they sleep so they don’t drift away?  That’s cool…until they turn on each other and Mother Nature.  Oh, I also think people turn on each other too.  Given enough time I’ll turn on all of you.  I’m kidding.  You are, of course, all already dead to me.  Moving on.

If it’s one thing I enjoy the most about the Teen Mom series (or any MTV reality show) is when “lovers” begin to beat the bag out of each other.  There truly is nothing like a new game of “Ike and Tina” to me.  Javi, Kail, and her chin are in a threeway fight over the dumb dogs and screaming at each other.  Suddenly Kail tries to push Javi through the door and turn him into a permanent Bugs Bunny cutout.  Something tells me she got her mean left hook from Suzi and her chin from daddy-bear.  At one point it was like I was “at the fights” and started yelling, “Get him!  Push his television down the stairs.  Where’s his television?”  I wasn’t really rooting for one over the other because I also was yelling at Javi to find Kail’s chin and give her an uppercut like he was Mac from Mike Tyson’s Punchout and she was Bald Bull.  Either way, violence doesn’t solve violence (except in war and swimming pool chicken fights) and the love taps ended.  Kail ran out of the room and Javi muttered something about that being the reason why they’re breaking up.  Personally I would have blamed Issac for the breakup, but I hit below the belt.  Sadly if Kail were to hit below the belt she’d have to kick his ankles.  I have no idea.  Oh, and somewhere across town Janet was trowing dice against the wall, sipping on gin and juice, laid back with her mind on her money and her money on her mind.  To wrap up “What’s Love Got to Do With It 2: Chinless Boogaloo” Ike and Tina “take 5” and chat in a closed bedroom.  Kail tries to convince Javs that she hit him because she loves him and not because he burnt the roast, but regardless he peaces out and barely shuts the rusted out broken chain-link fence (puke) behind him.  AnnaMae better eat dat damn cake, I says!

The rest of Kail’s segments are pretty much a snooze because no one is hitting anyone and, well, I like a nice scrappy brawl.  Kail is chatting with her friends on her broken down cement porch about her immediate plans to tell Javi she’s going to anger management (anyway) because of the fight with Jo…so she’s just “anger managements up” and all will be right with the world.  Sadly she keeps trying to figure out why she gets to angry and physical and at no point does anyone even reference Suzi.  I mean, that’s like a total bulls eye…right?  Right?  Yeah, thought so.

Kail finally convinces Javi to come back “home” so they can talk.  She gives a very robotic apology and lets him know about all that fancy anger management.  Since Kail is the meal ticket, Javi is totally fine with it.  They even almost laugh about it.  Ahhh young love.  Young, violent love.  Young, violent, mismanaged love.  So sweet, isn’t it?  In the end, they ship Issac off to Janet’s booty shaking dance studio for the weekend so these two can have some real fun.  They head off to the aquarium to swim with sharks, which actually consists of them putting on wetsuits and standing in 2 feet of water whilst they kind of bend over, peak under the water, and watch sharks swim by them 25 feet away.  If there was ever a day to get her period…

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Leah – Hey y’all it’s time to plan my 2nd weddin’ in under 2 years y’all!  If you ever felt bad about yourself being single, just remember that Leah is on her second wedding and his probably half your age.  Drink!  I jest.  Speaking of drinking, Leah and her two kids are at Nana’s house-of-horror so they can start planning this potential-future-shotgun-wedding.  Romantic.  We finally learn why a geneticist is on speed dial at Leah’s house because they’re letting the one who probably is wearing contacts drink coffee.  They’re probably hoping it actually will stunt her growth so she can forever be a member of the Lollipop Guild in the West Virginian production of “The Wizard of Oz 2: If You Find a Brain or Money It Could Potentially Be Any Residents of This Here State.”  I know, it’s a long title but it really encourages everyone to sound out words and string multiple phrases together.  The More You Know.  As a sidenote, does Leah’s mom and both twins have constant pink-eye?  Sometimes they look like they made a funny face and then someone slapped them on the back and they were stuck that way.  Don’t judge, it’s real.

For me, the best part (of course) was when they called the wedding planner who works at “Lovers Lane.”  I mean.  Her name is Linda and she seems like a real peach.  Like for real, she could be a puppet peach of some sorts.  Leah really wants to get married on the beach because she loves the idea of  a beach theme, but she and her mom are concerned it won’t be private enough (enough to fit the entire MTV camera crew).  Linda has a simple solution to that since all “her beaches” are public.  You see folks, Linda from Lovers Lane and her husband have a…wait for it…wait for it…make sure your privates are working…wait for it…wait for it….they have a pond.  Right?  And on that pond (we see pictures) they kinda throw down some sand and set up what I can only assume are two paper palm tress that they sell at iParty during Mexican Fiesta week.  Leah and her mom are salivating just looking at all “the beauty.”  I mean I’ve seen (and been to) inner city proms that spent more on decorations.  The one who was chugging coffee, to no surprise, starts pitching a fit and they can barely hear Linda on the phone so the mother picks her up by one arms and kind of plops her on her lap.  I mean one legit has leg problems, you think it makes sense to bust the other ones arm?  I think not.  If you know someone who’s a victim of physical abuse please call the number that I’m sure MTV will run during Kail’s segment.  God is love, Rev Run.

Next up it’s time for the therapists to come over to check on the little girl Alilatasha to see how she’s progressing.  I have nothing mean to say…except the 3 sets of eyebrows in the room are frightening.  I’ll let you do the math.  With all this going on, Leah and Second Choice are house hunting for what I assume is the 10th time.  Is it really house if the wheels are still attached?  I’m not one to judge.  My apartment is so small if it had wheels I legit could drive it out of New York City and only fit one friend for the ride.  There’s a lot of paper work to be filled out and they’re just signing junk left and right, but apparently they’re having a hard time getting approved because they’re not married.  I’m not sure if that’s true, because I got up during that scene to get something to drink and found looking in my refrigerator a lot more entertaining than watching this show.  I thought of recapping what I drank, but I’m getting sleepy.  Psych!  I had Orange Pineapple juice.  Really good.  Not too orangey.  Anyway, in the end these two Mensa Members decide that in order to speed everything up they should just get married at the court house now and then get their house and then have the wedding ceremony on “the pond.”  Leah looks like she doesn’t care…probably because this is like her 4th marriage, 6th kid, and 12th house.  Yawn, yawn, yawn, DAWN!  Bingo!

Chelsea – Used all the colors in her crayon box for her hair this week.

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