Teen Mom 2 Season Premiere Recap: Jenelle, Like Kesha, is About to Blow

Teen Mom 2 is back, y’all!  Be sure to share this recap with your friends on Facebook so I can keep recapping all the live-long-day!  Let’s get right into it…

Jenelle – We haven’t seen Jenelle in a while so, let’s be honest, who knows how much havoc she’s really been wreaking lakely.  Know what I mean?  I don’t.  Welp, we basically just jump right back into the Jenelle crazy train and it’s about to go off the rails, just as we like it.  I mean, we’re not here for touching scenes and parenting tips.  As we all know now, she is knocked-to-the-up and I won’t lie when I say there is a part of me that is really hoping when she gives birth the baby comes out as another race.  Basically I’m starting a prayer circle that this is Keiffah’s baby.  On the real, if I were MTV I would cut Jenelle a $5M dollar check to have her get pregnant by Keiffah and then she, he, and Barb all have to raise the baby together in the same house…with minimal bathroom breaks and possibly polygamist sect hairdos and paper dresses (you know the kind).  It is $5M after all.

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Jenelle is not in such high spirits these days (I know, right?) because she’s with child, has a bad back, and is in the process of ordering a mobile home to magically appear on the giant lot she and David bought.  Oh, and did I mention her current home may have mold in it and they’ll have to leave in a jiffy?  Well, it does.  All this makes Jenelle’s patience as thin as her pre-pregnancy body.  David is trying to help by stringing up the Christmas lights and Kaiser, well, Kaiser is smashing bulbs on the ground like he’s reenacting old-timey fights between his mom and dad.  Jenelle yells at David for not picking up Kaiser off the floor because she can’t do it (or kinda just doesn’t want to) because of her “back” and how she’s “pregnant.”  No really, that’s what she said.  She also gives us a play-by-play when she has to get up and pick up Kaiser off the floor while he’s screaming (because David sorta kinda almost dropped him there…anyone else see that?) and she goes, “I’ll pick up Kaiser and carry him even though I’m not supposed to pick up Kaiser.”  Is that like a pregnancy law I’m unaware of?  She puts him down for a nap and has to get him a bottle, but not before she tells us all that she’s about to pee her pants because she has to go so bad, but NO, she has to get Kaiser his bottle first.  She’s literally so mad at her pee right now, but mainly at Kaiser for not being able to take care of himself, get a full-time job, and basically help contribute financially to the house. Anyway, she’s really upset about almost peeing her pants.  If I were David I would have been like, “Just piss ’em.  This place has mold anyway.”  Jenelle’s not in the mood for games.  Anyone else notice that motherly glow?

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Finally Barb shows up, basically on car-cam, with Jace and she’s telling some cockamamie story about how far she had to walk around the mall or drive around the mall or something about the mall and distance.  Even though I fluently speak Boston, I had no idea what in the holy hell she was talking about.  I don’t think Jace did either.  He was just laughing at her story, but Barb was all “Um, this isn’t funny.”  And that’s all we got of Barb.  I get so mad when she’s just in a quick scene.  I need like 45 minutes of Barb or I’m left feeling deflated as a human being and a Human Bean all at the same time. Perhaps watch this wondrous video I created of some of the best Barb moments and, of course, her motivational quotes.

Later,  David is trying to pack up his moldy house of squalor and Kaiser is on a bender and throwing tantrums left and right. He’s cryin’ and sassin’ and frettin’ and all over the ground and Jenelle has had an effin’ nuff!  At one point Kaiser literally runs out the side door and his booking it up the driveway when David catches him.  Jenelle kind of manhandles Kaiser and then gets pissed at David when he says she’s really not watching him enough, you know, since he tried to escape the house 10 times and basically chose to raise himself in the woods with squirrels and skunks as examples on how to live.

The wheels are definitely falling off everyone and now David and Jenelle are starting to turn on each other.  Apparently they can’t pick up the keys to their new house and Jenelle is freaking out that she has to stay in the House of Horrors for another night.  When David suggests that she and Kaiser go to a hotel where there isn’t mold, she just goes “Oh with Kaiser?  Yeah that’ll be fun.”  Awww sweet as pie that Jenelle!  David gets pissed and just starts throwing wooden drawers out the front door and Jenelle goes and cries in the bathroom. But here’s the thing, she forgot about Kaiser again and so David is stuck with him.   When he confronts Jenelle in the bathroom she just cries, slams the door and says one of her favorite catchphrases, “Please just leave me alone.”  That’s totally the phrase that pays.  So David just sits on the bed with Kaiser whilst Jenelle has her bathroom breakdown.  Things are really off to a good start.

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In the end, Jenelle peaces out and goes to a hotel (or at least the parking lot) and she continues to freak the F out to the producer about how she doesn’t have any friends and she doesn’t talk to her mother (genuflect) and she has no one. Come on!  No friends?  Do you know how many DMs I’ve left on Jenelle’s instagram?  Enough to bring up charges in some court’s of law, I assume.   I mean that took a quick turn.  I say just get back with Keiffah and call it a day.  Perhaps spend some time on the grassy knoll that she used to pick him up at.  Those were the days.

Briana – Um hi.  So it’s strange recapping a new person. I’m nervous.  Are you guys? Anyway, I don’t overly remember her from 16 & Pregnant, but she’s back?  I mean, she’s back.  I DO, however, remember her mother Roxanne and I love every single minute of her.  I also remember the sister (not by name, of course) but she was pretty great too.  It’s like she could beat all of us up and then take us for a beer to explain why we deserved it.  To sum up, after Barb, Debra, and Amber (pre-jail Amber), Briana’s family is my favorite.  Oh and after April and Butch.  The point is, I’m into them and I hope that they find me here and follow me on Instagram so we can be life long friends and I could do a Facebook Live with them from time to time.  Is that too much to ask?!

Anyjunk, Briana is also with child this season.  Apparently she was out at “da club” dippin’ and doin’ and she met some 31 year old guy that she played naughty-no-no time with.  Oh and she forgot any form of birth control so, voila, she got herself in a bit of pickle.  She and her ‘boyfriend’ (can you even call him that at this point?) sit in her apartment parking lot while her daughter rides her bike amongst parking lot traffic and the like.  Can you tell I don’t really know anyone’s name yet?  What?  I’m new!  Briana and the 31 year old talk about moving in together and being a family (puke) and then she asks her daughter what she thinks about that guy living with her and the new baby.  She explains she can go to grandma’s any time she wants still.  The daughter has a look on her face like, “Am I being put up for the adoption games?!”  Briana kinda lead that question in the wrong direction.  Either way the little parking lot girl is fine with it, but wants to live with her too.  Phew.  Thank God that was cleared up.

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Later we get to have a little food time with Roxanne and the sister (name will come to me at a later date).  They all sit around the table and reminisce about how when she found out Briana was pregnant she tried to convince her to go and get an abortion and close up shop in her downstairs region for a while.  I couldn’t help but laugh at all the faces the sister was making during this conversation.  Someone toss her a spinoff stat.

In the end, Briana goes to lunch with her friend and the friend spills the beans that she got an Instagram message from some girl who’s claiming to still be doing the nasty with Briana’s current baby daddy.  Yowza!  Briana gets her number, blindly texts her, and asks her when was the last time she did anything with him.  The girl texts back that she wants to talk on the phone.  She should have requested an in-person-on-camera-meeting with hair, makeup, and a stipend for her trouble.  We leave off with Briana waiting for the phone call.  What a Who’s the Boss-like cliffhanger!

Kail/Leah – Yeah so writing about all these people now that there’s a 5th is hard!  Also, it means that 2 of these girls are getting so edited down that pretty much nothing happens.  Leah sends her kids to school and the littlest girl can’t find her toothbrush so Leah makes her take a shot of mouthwash and I’m pretty sure she spit it around the toilet.  Score!  Later Leah goes to her first day of “college” all excited and with a mouth full of clown lipstick on.  Eh, I was happy for her.  Get that book learnin’ when ya can!  She does, of course, do the highway swap-off with Corey (who looks less beaver-like this season) all while the other girl screams about why she can’t see her daddy.  So much highway work!

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Meanwhile, Kail isn’t really doing much.  She still doesn’t want to film actual interesting parts of her life…like anything about the guy that may or may not be her new baby daddy.  Javi finally got that divorce finalized just in time for him to almost have to ship back off to war.  What war are we still in?  I mean, I know North Korea is basically going to just blow us off the map most likely due to us being a society who celebrates teenage mothers on a reality show and writes about them, but what war? Let’s just all assume the Civil War and call it a day.  What was the War of 1812?  Anyway, he cries and freaks the boys out who pretty much think he’s leaving in 5 minutes.  If he does get the call it’s still months away.  I say good for him for causing a dramatic scene.  Anyone know where Suzi’s been?

Chelsea – gave birth to not Adam’s baby.

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