Hey y’all it’s time for another episode of “The Night They Realized It’s Not Just For Peeing Anymore.” In this episode all the girls come to the decision that it’s never too late for adoption and begin to fill out paperwork to get the ball rolling on becoming free-teens again. I hope I didn’t spoil anything. I’m kidding. Nothing happened. Speaking of nothing happening, join me on my Facebook page and let me know I’m a bad person for making fun of teenage mothers. It means more to me when I can see the white trash sending the nasty-gram. Ole!
Jenelle – Well I’m just sittin’ heeeeah havin’ a la-di-da time and BAM all of a sudden Barb just drops a bomb that she’s 57 years old. Shocking. She doesn’t look a day over 56. You totally know that skin got wrinkled from her youthful days of her frolicking on Revere Beach, sipping strawberry-kiwi wine coolers out of a crazy straw, and laying out with a can of Crisco and holding one of those aluminum-mirror things that you put under your face to intensify the tan. She’s sure to end her day at the beach with a Scallop plate from Kelly’s. You’re welcome, my dear readers in Boston northshore communities. However this can’t all just be Barb dream sequences because Jenelle is pitching a b*tch-fit in the kitchen because she hasn’t smoked pot in almost 24 hours and, well, she’s losing her mind. She makes it seem like it’s such a tough thing to do. Wow. She made it 23 hours. Someone give her a sobriety chip. And salsa. Because, well, that’s the way I assume it works. You see, I’ve never been to a rehab facility because they frown on you continuing your drinking lifestyle. Bad choices is the new black. The best part of the entire crapisode was when Jenelle was freaking out and Barb just yells out, “Yaw strung out on weeeeeed, Jenelle!” followed by heart-felt words such as, “What? You need drug rehab now?” Way to may her feel “wrong” for possibly needing rehab. Can you even go to rehab for pot? So pathetic. She’s like that chick from Dr. Drew Celebrity Rehab who was on because she was addicted to “love.” Not sex. Love. Oddly enough, I’m addicted to “like.” P.S., don’t they give the elderly pot for cataracts? Toughen up, trash can.
After thinking about it during a 45 second conversation with a girl I can only assume is considered a “tough cookie” in her Hello Kitty club, Jenelle is going to move in with Tori and Tylor. These, my friends, are not the characters from 90210 and Saved By the Bell. These are actual people. Although, the leather jacket she’s sporting is very reminiscent of the actual Tori from Saved By The Bell. I think it’s a great idea that Jenelle move in with these two characters as I’m sure there’s some form of a gang bang in its future. As a sidenote, how come in 2 seasons we’ve never seen Jenelle smile? I mean, I only see her teeth when she’s hissing in Barbara’s face. Regardless, when it’s time to tell Barb that she’s moving out it actually goes better than expected. Barb thinks it’s a great idea that Jenelle get the Christ out of the bungalow. I’m sure she’s just excited that Mike is going to be able to finally play “hide the pirate” in Barb’s treasure trove. As God as my witness I have no idea what that means, but sometimes it’s easier to set the table for a smut joke and just see who shows up to eat. Ironically that’s the same way that Barb landed Mike, that snaggle-toothed wonder. Either way, Barb hopes that Jenelle gets her life in order and will at least come to visit Jace one day a week for more than an hour. I’m sure if you listen carefully you can hear all of The America yell out a collective “no!” in unison.
When it’s finally time to get to the moving portion of the episode, good old snaggle tooth Mike is giving Jenelle a helping hook. See what I did there? When they fit one of Jenelle’s gross-bed-bug-infested pieces of furniture into the back of a rusted out pick-up truck Barb just blurts out, “Supppaaah!” No joke, at first I was like what the hell did she say, but then I quickly understood and was smiling from ear to lopsided ear. Whilst in the process of moving Tori finds a “love letter” from Queen LaQueefer in which he calls Jenelle a “princess.” Accurate. Just like Ursula was a princess. He says things like “we don’t need to prove our love to anyone” which makes me think they are a modern day Romeo and Juliet and hope that one of the two will swallow the potion to a little trip to “Dirt Nap City.”
After Jenelle moves all her actual literal junk into the new crack den she quickly receives a message from Kieffah on Facebook where he says he misses her, loves her, and he ends the email with “117.” I’m not sure what “117” means, but I’ll venture a guess that it’s “beeper code” for “I’ll meet you on the grassy knoll. Bring soap.” Jenelle decides to write him back because, most likely, she was sexually molested by one of Barb’s boyfriends growing up. I don’t think I’m that far off and, well, I’m pretty sure if you think about it, you’ll agree too. Jenelle is also writing in some type of code whilst emailing Special K back. She writes things like “yu” instead of “you” and “ohk” instead of “ok.” She might be trying to be cool, but I think it’s more accurate to assume that she really is that dumb. In the end, Queefy comes over to the new house to sit on the stairs until Jenelle basically forces and apology from him. It must be his rotten teeth and crusty green hoodie that she just can’t resist. They both agree that they’re current status is “just talking” and “working things out” but they say “I love you” and kiss each other whilst dirt and grime clings to them from the stairs…and society. Somewhere a few streets over, Barb is putting Jace to bed and shaving a smiley face in her lady-bits for Mike. In this episode, everyone wins.
Leah – “Hey y’all! I’m in a new house that’s as long and narrow as my momma’s face!” I’m just kidding it’s round and oversized. I’m not suggesting that it’s similar to anyone else’s head, but I’m just merely implying that similar to a physic coming over to a house party where everyone gets a reading, well, the geneticist should consider making house calls to the most western parts of West Virginia. Wow that was a long sentence. Long and hard just like my…shut yo mouth! Anyway, Leah is relieved that everything is perfectly normal with Alibaba and is celebrating by decorating her home like any of the people in any of the episodes of Hoarders. Luckily, even when times are tough, financially, there’s still plenty of empty Mountain Dew bottles scattered all around the house. Another 10 bottles and Leah will have enough money for 2 more strands of clip-on extensions. It’s like my 401K plan, y’all!
Meanwhile, Corey comes home in the brightest t-shirt (probably easier to identify the chain-gang cleaning up the side of the interstate) and seems a little bummed out. It was hard to tell he was bummed out because he’s usually such a mix of piss and vinegar. Leah really seems concerned and we learn that Corey doesn’t love his job. At least I think that’s what he was saying. Even the sub-titles seemed jumbled. What I did understand, however, is that Corey has big dreams of…wait for it…wait for it…slap your baby…wait for it…you guessed it…being a coal miner. I’m not saying that a coal miner isn’t a respectable job. I mean, if it was good enough for the 7 Dwarfs it’s certainly good enough for old beaver teeth in the fluorescent green.
Later, Leah received a typed letter from the gen-et-i-cist (y’all!) saying that basically Alislovakia isn’t out of the woods yet and they’d like to see her again in one year. The main problem, in my opinion, is that someone is going to have to teach Leah and Corey how to work a standard calendar. I mean, if it’s not a tear-away Ziggy calendar they’re likely to miss the follow up appointment. Leah and Corey try to understand what the “cryptic letter” from the geneticist really means. It is quite tricky since the geneticist was “specific” and “clear” and explained everything. Sadly, I knew Leah was immediately lost when she called the letter a “form.” Pass me the form, y’all! They wind up trying to Google more words that were taken from the “form” to see what the deal is. Leah ends up getting puzzled and decides that she’s going to call up the geneticist to have them basically read the “form” to her. Perhaps they should send a pop-up book next time. Or maybe have it be a “Choose Your Own Adventure” where Leah can choose, “Walk out of the trailer and start a new life without these 3 anchors holding your down….turn to page 99.”
In the end, Leah ends up calling the geneticist and they speak to her for 45 minutes and won’t shut the F up, like they’re guilty of something. Now you know I couldn’t care less about how this show is edited. Everyone seems to freak the F out over it, but I couldn’t care less. The final scene could have been shot in 1986. Perfect. However, what was kind of strange was that in the “next scene” Leah meets up with Corey to talk about the phone conversation she just had. They meet outside. She’s wearing a tank top and there are leaves on the tree. Uh, two episodes ago they were opening white trash gifts under the ghetto Christmas tree. Also, her hair is now so god-damn white it’s actually glowing. It’s clearly giving Corey’s work t-shirt a run for its money food stamps. Her scalp is burnt. As is my brain. Maybe I need an MReyyyyyye on my brain? Probably. I’ll Google it.
Kail – Good news! The Cowardly Lion got bangs! Seriously, other than that nothing really happened in Kail’s scenes. All I know is that Jo is pissed about the child support that the court is telling him he owes. He’s so mad that I suggest he focus that anger and make a “rap song” that can be recorded in his “studio” all whilst Janet booty-claps in the background. His rapping, overall, is priceless and we can just assume this one would go something like, “My name is Jo and I’m here to say I don’t like child support in a major way.” How come in the 80’s (and always) whenever “the whites” try to rap it always starts with “My name is _____ and I’m here to say.” I love the whites. We are a dumb species.
Kail ends up chatting with her creeptastic friends to get their opinion on the whole “child support” situation. I think it makes sense she asked people who can barely form full sentences. I’m pretty sure one of the guys suggested she just shove the baby back up her vagiola. Sound advice. After she receives a letter from the people who “do math” and tell you how much money you owe, she calls up Jo so that they can chat. They both agree to meet at the Tic Toc Diner because, well, that’s just the kind of place they live. Apparently Jo needs to shell out $470 a month and thinks it’s very unfair. He needs that money to work on his “music” and you know at least some of that is going to a mustache grooming kit for the Big J! I jest. Me gusta Janet y me gusta la lapiz y yo soy IBBBB. Donde esta el bano, tambien por favor. Yo toca la guitara. I’m kidding, I don’t toca that at all. Where was I? Oh yeah, these two brainiacs are trying to have a middle-school debate on how much money Jo would have to pay if they were together and if they weren’t together. I found myself yelling at the TV, “Shut up and just tap the bottle and twist the cap.” the best part was Kail’s new beautiful hair. It was so pretty. They way it was a bowl-cut in the front and long stripper curls going down the sides really made her non-existent chin pop in the natural light. At one point during the conversation it literally looked like a c0mb-over. I get sad when bad hair happens to chinless teens. It’s an epidemic in some of the Slavic countries. Oh, and is it just me or do you only have images of Janet as an In Living Color “fly-girl” on the regular? Eh, fine. I’ll see a geneticist about that problem, y’all!
Chelsea – Every episode is the same with this pile of bricks. The only change this time is that she’s getting job, or trying to at least. Her strategy is quite impressive. She walks into a gym, doesn’t say hello, and just simply says, “Can you give me an application.” Not even as a question. Just a general statement. Since Chelsea still can’t pass the 4th grade and likes to look like Lil Bill in the winter, she’s getting a job in South Dakota called, “Year Round Brown.” This is misleading as anyone I’ve seen in South Dakota that’s friends with Chelsea is orange all year “round.” Actually they’re round too. I think the name of the place should have been, “Orange You Glad I Didn’t Say Snooki?” It has a nice ring (around the tub) to it.
Chelsea does, in fact, get the job and no one seems to care. Hopefully she’ll finally now have the time to study for GED in between “pressing the ‘on’ button at work.” Oh, and Adam is still a d*ck because he’s shooting sass up at the camera every two seconds while he and Chelsea fight about why Chelsea has an unhealthy obsession with all things leopard-print. Or maybe they were fighting about what movie to watch that night. The point is, I couldn’t care less. The only thing I was intrigued by was Chelsea’s friend who looked Ricki Lake pre-DWTS. Other than that, I’m done. Sorry, I tried. Spoiler Alert: I didn’t.
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Season Premiere: Jenelle and Barb Brawl on the Front Lawn, Ya Lil B*tch!
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