Real Housewives of Orange County: Wine Glass Boobs

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When did RHOC turn into a worse show than Real Housewives of DC?  The bad news is that I’m stuck in Jury Duty and am trying to recap this crap from memory.  The good news is that once I’m free from my “civic duty” I shall be recapping my Jury Duty experience.  It’s bound to be more entertaining than last nights RHOC.  Oh, and please don’t yell at me for forgetting your favorite part as I am not a court stenographer, although watching one all day in court makes me jealous of her typing skills by only using what I can only assume is 4 keys.

So it’s another sunny day in Orange County and Peggy wants to draw attention away from her protruding penis by going to her doctor to get her knockers “re-put in.”  I think that’s the medical term at least.  I think it’s great that Peg wants store bought new boobs inserted into her body by way of knife and anesthesia.  While she almost always refuses to do anything less than holistic it’s great that she makes an exception for her aging rack.  Her husband, who I’m pretty sure is the adult version of Flick from “A Christmas Story” is gung ho for her new boobs as long as she’s able to hold a wine glass between them when the surgery is over.  A wine glass, a gun, same difference.  I think doctors should be able to make additional decisions for you whilst you’re in surgery.  For example, while they’re tossing honkers into her chest, they should also cut her hair as no adult woman should have fried hair hanging down to their arse.  Legally, this should be an option.  I plan on marching on Capitol Hill about this so, well, join me.

Meanwhile, they’re still trying to force the storyline of Gretchen throwing her parents a surprise 40th Anniversary party down our throats.  This included Gretchen faux-breaking in to their house to get her mom’s dress size as she’ll also be surprising her with a wedding dress the day of the party.  Sounds terrible!  This entire segment was pointless and made me long for the days when the Olsen Twins would make direct to VHS movies like “To Grandmother’s House We Go,” you know, the one where they’d dress up like detectives and just repeat the lines that their real-life mother would say out loud to them off set all whilst they looked directly into the camera and then eventually sang “I’m the Cute One.”  Really?  Which one of you is supposed to be the cute one?  Sounds like a losing song to me.  But I digress.

Next up, Tamra has gone all Zolciak and is posing topless for the No H8 campaign.  The best part of this was the fact that Tamra had duct tape over her mouth the whole time.  If only she was partnered up with Vicki during this photoshoot this entire crapisode may have been tolerable.  I love how Tamra is still trying to convince us that she has lesbian tendencies.  Lets just say that I’d be more convinced that Tamra passed the 9th grade than played scissors by choice.

Hooray, the token lesbian, Furnani, is an American Citizen…oh, and they’re going to film her Citizenship party?  Oh, alright.  I guess.  Perhaps they’ll play “Pin the Scissors on the Gentleman Greeter?”  So is Furnani, like, a main character now?  Why isn’t she holding up an orange during the opening credits then?  Do they assume a lesbian can’t be trusted with an orange and think she’ll just lift her legs?  Someone ask Andy Cohen, my possible arch nemesis, what he thinks.

Tamra can’t make it to Furnani’s party because she’s busy moving out of her Section 8 Housing and Foreclosure and filming scenes with her Level III (allegedly) Eddie.  He is creeptastic without the tastic.  Every time he smiles at her I’m waiting for him to start diddling her moments later.  Eddie is about to throw a b*tch fit because Tamra still hasn’t thrown away her wedding dress, wedding candle, wedding champagne glasses or given up her kids for adoption.  He ends up having to leave the garage because he’s so upset and needs to blow off some steam.  Who’s steam? Hey-oh!  Tamra ends up throwing her champagne glasses into the dumpster and crying, which is ironic because I assume that is the same location where she met Simon and, ironically, with the same reaction.

I’m definitely all over the place in terms of the time frame and events of this episode but, guess what, it could be worse…I could be forced to watch it again after Jury Duty.  Back over at Vicki’s house, Donn pretty much knows the writing is on the wall and he’s about one more episode away from turning into Greg from RHOA.  I’m just waiting for Vicki to start yelling at Jeana, “You let Donn borrow $10,000 dollars?  $10,000 dollars?  $10,000 DOLLARS?  Bloop, bloop, bloop!”  Vicki and her family are all having a wondrous dinner where everyone looks like they’re on suicide watch and are all equally blaming Vicki for never being around enough to have these family dinners, especially since she works every night until almost 1am.  Seriously, who’s selling insurance that late?  If you’re calling the east coast, get up earlier.  I have no idea.  All I know is that I’d end it all if I ever had to sell insurance…or t-shirts that said “Woo-Hoo!”  I actually kinda feel bad for Donn.  I think even Vicki’s kids feel bad for him.  Vicki is kinda turning into Jill Zarin to me and, well, I’m losing sleep over all of this.  I’m kidding.  I don’t sleep.

Meanwhile, Peggy is bringing her daughters to the same agency that she worked for when she was a “child star.”  Anyone get a good look at her photos from back in the day?  Um, pretty?  She looks like she pretty much only modeled for the ads in the back of an 80’s magazine, you know, for whore pills and Spanish ticklers and the like.  Well now it’s her daughters turn.  Let’s just call it like it is.  Her girls crashed and burned during the audition.  Sure they looked cute and all, but they couldn’t hit their marks and didn’t do anything the creepy owner asked them to.  In fact, one of the girls kept giving Peggy the side-eye and a look that totally said, “I would have been fine with you tossing yourself down the stairs, b*tch.”  Honestly, you know who would have never F’d up an audition like this?  Milania.  No, not Alexis’ daughter.  I’m talking the original Milania.  And you know how she got so good at modeling and auditions?  Because her mother yells at her to “do fabulous!” on the regular.  That’s how you get your kid hitting their mark.  As a sidenote, at least once a week I have Milania’s voice in my head saying “Ah, Derrik!”  Just me?

In the end, Alexis and her sinful body and rodent like face is having a Botox and massage party for all the girls.  She should have had a face sandblaster party…just a thought.  Since Alexis didn’t want to have the girls mess her house (aka her husband would pistol whip her if she had a party at home and didn’t make him dinner) she decided to have it had the doctors office and she put a table together with some food and drinks.  It looked horrible.  And, surprisingly, none of the girls really wanted to get the Botox done even thought Alexis mentioned 15 times that she was paying for it.  Not even Tamra wanted it.  Maybe she just plans on macing herself when she gets home?  Seriously, what was up with her bringing mace to the “party” for her and Vicki?  I mean, I’m sure Vicki uses mace on Donn every time forms his own thoughts and opinions, but it doesn’t mean you bring it to a high society Botox party!

Whilst at the party, Peggy was sucking up to Vicki and Alexis seemed to be getting a but jealous.  I’m sure she was just flirting with Vicki in hopes that Vicki would kiss her penis, but maybe I’m wrong.  Oh, and I’m sticking to my plan on never giving up on the “Peggy has a penis” jokes.  Ever.  Honestly, there’s not much else to work with.  So, let’s just continue on.  Everyone seemed to have gotten along at the party, which is nice.  And by “nice” I mean “boring as all hell so someone please flip a table and/or pull out some weave STAT!”

Next week apparently Tamra and Eddie head to Spain, so plan on Tamra trying to do a lot of “hola” and “Whero is the wino” jokes every 15 seconds.  Let’s pull together…we can all get through the season.  Yes We Can!

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