Real Housewives of Orange County: Peas on Her Black Eyes (See What I Did There?)

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We pick up where we left off last week which is, of course, the part where Alexis is being sent to the electric chair and we all get to watch.  Oh wait, she’s only going in for a nose job?  Then why is she crying like that whilst on the operating table?  She should be excited because if the anesthesiologist is more interested in being on camera than on making sure Alexis gets the correct dose, well, then Alexis might be meeting Jesus sooner than she had planned!  I’m joking.  She is, without a doubt, going to hell.  For reasons that are never discussed, Alexis is sans makeup, yet has this blue outline all around her lips.  I assume she was already dead and the rigamortis (?) had begun to set it in.  I’m sure her lips were just blue because Jim makes her sleep outside in the dog house so he can, you know, diddle and whatnot.

During her surgery, Alexis was actually extremely likable.  I mean, the fact that she didn’t complain once even when the surgeon broke her nose speaks volumes for the abuse she must take on the regular.  Apparently we’re all left with egg on our face because the surgeon did end up pulling out what I can only assume is a Gummy Worm from her nose.  This Gummy Worm is what Alexis claimed she had to pull out of her mouth each and every morning when she woke up.  Gross.  Well, now that this isn’t blocking up her mouth anymore she might as well get used to bobbing for apples on Jim’s lap again.  Was that nose job really worth it now, Lex?  I call her Lex because we’re really good friends.  You’d think that the surgeon would have removed her fright-wig-extensions during the surgery and then when she woke up he could have said, “I figured you would have wanted it this way.”

Meanwhile, Tamra is off to her doctor because she wants to have her ginormous breast implants removed and taken down to a natural B-cup.  It’s likely she’ll be giving Eddie her old implants in a unique game of “Pay it Forward.”  It’s the new “Bunko.”  It’s kind of cool that Tamra is finally realizing that this “look” that all the women from the OC have was cool in the early 90’s and it’s time to move on.  I mean, grab a Hyper-Color’s T-shirt and try on some Z. Cavaricci’s.  You’ll thank me later.  While Tamra thinks that she wants a more “natural” look she’s forgetting that she, too, sports a blond fried out Halloween fright wig and Pam Anderson zinc-pink lipstick.  Also, what’s with her face in some of her one-on-one interviews?  Did she get her face tightened up too?  How ’bout the vagiola?  Any fine-tuning there?

Vicki’s daughter, Brianna, is in the hospital to have her Thyroid taken out and they think she has cancer.  That’s not fun to talk about, so let’s move things over to Gretchen.  She’s going to be a Pussy Cat Doll for a night and Slade is going to continue to do the same, except without the “Cat Doll” part.  See what I did there?  5th grade jokes rule!  Gretchen seems extremely nervous over the fact that she’ll have to sing and dance at the exact same time.  No really, she keeps saying it.  She’s like, “I’ve sang before on stage and I’ve danced before at a club, but never at the same time.”  She’ll likely be a pioneer in this concept.  You totally know she’s going to ham it up on stage the whole time and then laugh about how funny she was during her one-on-one interviews.  Now I don’t feel as bad that she somehow caught her weave on fire in the kitchen while she was doing back-bends against her counter.  A record number of weaves are dying this way.  It’s an epidemic.  The More You Know (cue the shooting star).

Heather is taking Tamra and Vicki (via helicopter) from the 1990’s OC to LA so they can meet her friends and talk about the 160-owner restaurant they’re going to open up.  I hope they go with a Planet Hollywood-like theme, as it’s important that we keep Demi Moore’s Cap-N-Crunch chicken salad alive and well in our heart, stomach, and soul.  Seriously, Vicki’s head looks like it’s going to get cut off when she gets out of the helicopter.  No dice.  Heather’s friends are noticeably beautiful and sorta make Tamra and Vicki look like nana’s in heat.  They all have no clue how to open a restaurant, but are looking more for a place where they can all just hang out together.  And, since they’re spending their husbands money they couldn’t seem to care less if this business adventure crashes and burns.  They should call it Cheek Bones and just serve side-eye all the live-long-day.  I’d pay to eat there.  All the girls get along with each other and Tamra actually seems stumped that people can be friends on camera.   She seems threatened.  Tamra better ask for her boobs back and ask quickly.  Maybe Tamra, Vicki, and Gretchen should get together and open up a Popeye’s or something?  They can serve biscuits and Crystal Pepsi and the like.

In the end, Alexis gave her best performance yet since she was laying in bed, could barely talk, and had her face covered with a bag of frozen peas.  Why couldn’t she just pray the pain away?  That’s odd.  Jim was being a great husband by filling in for the “nurse” when the camera was around by feeding her chicken noodle soup and watching awkwardly eat carrots by spoon.  Alexis is hopeful that when all this is over it will help her do better as a “news anchor” on her morning news program.  Yes, I truly hope her smaller nose make her “butt blaster of the month” segments a whole lot better.  Her old nose was really making those segments look silly.  I thought she looked great when she finally made it to the doctor, dressed like Annie Are You Ok, to get her bandage removed.  Her nostrils looked like Jim may have shoved a couple of those carrots up there.

Wanna place a bag of frozen peas on my face?  Well you can’t.  But I’ll let you put some frozen peas on my Facebook.  Click here to join me there!

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