Real Housewives of NYC: The One with All the Awkward Parties

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Grab your Fivel Moskewitz doll and your copy of the Country Mouse and the City Mouse because Jill Zarin is back, ladies and gentlemen (greeters).  She looks fresh and alive status quo after her big trip down under in the land of Australia.  I assumed once we saw her she would have a store-bought new face, but sadly she doesn’t.  I also have to come clean that over the past month or two I’ve run into Z-Dog in NYC and should admit that she does look better with her new face.  I didn’t realize how much better she looks now until I just saw her on the screen.  Anyinjectables, Jill meets up with the rest of the ladies of leisure to have some lunch and immediately start talking crap about Ramona.  But first, gifts!

Rich Jill bought gifts for all of the girls.  My money was on some expensive jewelry, but I was wrong.  She bought them little tiny clip-on koala bears wearing colored vests because, you know, she saved up her allowance all summer long and finally had enough!  And you totally know she didn’t buy those in Australia as they sell them right next to the food court at JFK.  LuAnn looks like she was ready to clip hers to Jill’s nose and Sonja looked like she was about to swipe two more koalas, clip one to each “hooo heee hoooo heee” and then the third one to her “rooooar!”  I have no idea what any of the means, but I was basically going for “boobs” and “crotch.”  Was that not clear?

The lunch would have been a nap since LuAnn was just basically recapping to Jill the last two episodes, but suddenly things get interesting thanks to Sonja.  Kelly is planning on having lunch with Ramona and wants to practice how that conversation will go.  Sonja plays the role of Ramona and, at first, I started giving my TV the side-eye, but then I realized that Sonja was totally nailing Ramona (not literally).  No joke, she had her impression down to a science including the repeating of the last thing she says at the end of her sentence.  Up until this point my sister was the only person I knew to actually nail the impression.  Sonja will give her a run for her money (can’t buy you class, oh yeah!).  As a sidenote, that would be my Wheel of Fortune “Before & After” puzzle if I could come up with one:  Give Her a Run for Her Money Can’t Buy You Class (say it slowly and pause between each word like the contestants do when they solve the puzzle).  Try it again:  Give Her a Run for Her Money Can’t Buy You Class!  See?  There we go.

Meanwhile, all the hell way over in Brooklyn it’s Francois’ birthday so they surprise him with a piano and an alleged registered sex offender playing it.  I’m sure he’ll be tickling more than the ivories once the cameras are down.  Alex and Simon are making it seem like this is the best gift ever and that Francois loves it, but I’m pretty sure of two things (1) they rented it for the show and (2) Francois will spend more time licking it than playing it.  How old is he anyway?  Pick up a truck.

I’m guessing we’re at the point now where people are just meeting for drinks to spark up some controversy, film for 10 minutes, and then go home.  This time around, Sonja invites Cindy over for “tea” so that she can call her out on spilling the scripted beans to Kelly about Sonja’s plan to get her and Ramona together at the Toaster Oven Party from Hell (that no one has…ever).  I admit that me gusta some Sonja, but my only issue with her this season is that it’s like she’s producing her own scenes at this point.  You know when she says things she can actually hear the dramatic music playing in the background.  First off, she gets pissed at Cindy for dancing with her “help” in her living room.  I have no idea what that was all about.  Sonja has some dude who’s a dancer on staff?  For, like, spontaneous Latin dance-off tasks?  Confused.  Then she’s giving Cindy a “talking to” over her not having Pinot Grigio on tap for Ramona when she came all the way over to her birthday party in that city in the Hamptons that I can never remember or spell for that matter.  I’m not kidding, she kept saying that Ramona is a star and you can’t invite Ramona over and not have a filled glass of Pinto Grigio ready for her as soon as she walks in.  The scary part?  She was serious.  And, not for nothing, but if Cindy would say half the stuff she says during her one on one interviews to their actual faces…things could get more interesting.  By the way, Sonja is broke, right?  Or is that just a rumor?  If Money Can’t Buy You Class, can class get you money?  I’m not good with the financials or the numbers.

And if a tea party isn’t awkward enough, buckle up because apparently Ramona is having a party in which she just tries to sell you her junk on the regular.  From jewelry that looks like it rusts to bottle after bottle of Ramona Creepio what more do you really need at a party?  Oh, wait, that’s right you also need an extra creepy sales manager who holds up the jewelry and gives you the kind of smile that suggests there are a few sausage links up her vagola.  Ole!  The only person who really showed up for this high pressure sales party is LuAnn.  That should go over well.  LuAnn looks like homeless women selling watches out of their jacket are trying to talk to her as Ramona shows off her “goods.”  And then she starts grilling Ramona on her wine line to see if she really knew anything about it.  Surprisingly, Ramona knew all about the intimate details of her wine brand.  Go figure.  I mean, sure, she butchered the pronunciation of half the words that were slurring out of her mouth, but what do I care?  LuAnn tried to make it seem like she was filling us all in that just because Ramona drinks a ton of Pinot doesn’t mean she knows anything about it.  Uh, duh.  Of course.  I know that Ramona knows that we know the she knows nothing about making wine.  It’s just funny to have Ramona’s name on a bottle and, well, that’s good enough for me to buy it.  I typically solely buy products based on reality show characters anyway.  I mean, for the love of God I bought JustinBobby.com one night while watching The Hills.  I need electric shock therapy…weekly.

Note for Thought:  Why does everyone on this show say “Pinot Grigio” differently…even when they’re talking to each other about it.

In “For Some Inexplicable Reason” news, Sonja is wearing a short skirt with her hair in pigtails and shooting for some calendar with the FDNY and I can honestly say I have no idea why.  Why do I have a feeling that all the tapes for this show fell into a large pile on the ground and the editors just picked them up at random and put them together?  They’re like, “15 seconds of Sonja with her ass hanging out on a baseball field with the FDNY?  Sure, let’s toss that in here.”  It’s like in season 2 of Full House where everyone just stopped trying.

Later, it’s time to move on to yet another infomercial party and this time Sonja’s hosting!  We finally get to see what a Toaster Oven Party is all about.  Now I’m not sure if you’re all aware of what’s involved, but it consists of a toaster oven and food.  I know, I was stumped too.  This entire episode is basically one long commercial where they’re hawking junk at us ever 3-5 minutes.  Sonja is all nervous because LuAnn has attended this pointless party and feels that she’ll be watching her every move.  And, well, she’s right.  However, the most important question I have is, why does anyone need to cook anything except English Muffins in a toaster oven?  I stopped relying on mine once I left my dorm room circa 1902.  It’s Toaster Ovens today and Hot Plate recipes tomorrow!  I can’t wait to learn how to make Ramen Noodle meatballs and Mac N Cheese stew.  Dumb.

In the end we’re forced to watch back to back heart to hearts (see what I did there) between Jill and Alex and then Ramona and Cindy.  Overall, the talk between Alex and Jill went well and, to be honest, at this point I’m sick to death about hearing about “Alex’s voice” and what “Jill did last year.”  So these two probably assume I’m about to slap a 5150 on myself so they decide to make an amends (as Jill says), write down things they’re angry about and then burn them in the backyard.  Awesome.  Set Francios’ sandbox on fire while you’re at it.  That’ll make him play that damn piano!

However, things between Cindy and Ramona don’t go as well.  Cindy is trying to explain what things bother her about Ramona and Ramona gets all defensive and really starts giving Cindy the crazy eyes.   And then Ramona does that thing that I hate that people do (hate), she says, “I’m sorry you feel that way.”  Yeah, that’s not an apology.  Just because the word “sorry” is in it doesn’t make it work.  “I’m sorry you feel that way” might as well be “You’re f’n crazy and totally wrong and I’m right, but I’m sorry you feel that way…and you’re wrong…and crazy.”  The two are a t a “standstill” and end up cutting their drinks short, especially after Ramona was rambling on about her wanting to do adult things with her husband while her daughter was away.  Like, sex stuff?  Somewhere in the Upper East Side, Mario is blowing his rape whistle.

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