Real Housewives of New York City: I Kinda Think Santa is Going to Fix It

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For the love of camel jokes are we still in Morocco?  I must have missed over 14 episodes or something because apparently after the “big fight” between Ramona and Jill both ladies of leisure are acting like they’ve been gang banged in a rusty dumpster and, well, I’m almost certain only one of them has.  Jill is pacing the room back and forth crying and LuAnn couldn’t be any more livid about a situation unless she found out Sad Ross wasn’t really French or that the Suez Canal was this made up place solely written to sell more Social Studies books to Catholic middle schools.  Meanwhile, in the other room Ramona is having her own version of a mental breakdown that can only be cured by Pinot Grigio poured down her throat like smelling salts.  Ramona keeps crying sans tears and asking why Jill couldn’t hear her.   Sonja, of course, is already three sheets to the Moroccan wind, and Alex is just happy to be on camera.  It must be a nice break from her fast paced modeling world.

LuAnn comes busting into Ramona’s room like the Kool-Aid man demanding to know why Ramona is causing trouble.  If I were Ramona I would have demanded to know why LuAnn is suddenly speaking with Madonna’s accent.  I can honestly say that I’m really not following why everyone is reacting like part of the Riad just blew up.  They’re legit cradling and rocking Ramona and trying to get LuAnn out of the room stat.  Sonja is yelling for LuAnn to get Ramona’s Pinot Grigio the same way that the mother demanded the nurses give her daughter her pain meds in Terms of Endearment.  “Give Ramona her Pinot!!!!!!!!!”

Jill is so full of false promises.  Last week she ended the episode by saying that she was going to have a heart attack and then this week nothing.  Perfectly working ticker.  Such a liar.  Now I know why Bethenny could never trust her.  If you basically say you’re going to leave this world, well, don’t expect me to not be pissed off when you don’t hold true to your word.  Even though complete nonsense is going on between women in their late 40’s and early 50’s, they all decide to go to some “exclusive” restaurant  that Sonja could get them into.  Exclusive?  It’s Morocco.  I mean, I’d assume eating anywhere that wasn’t off the back of a rabid donkey would be considered exclusive.  This place, however, has belly dancers and LuAnn commands that no one dance or else they look like a tourist.  Uh, they’re basically at the equivalent of a Planet Hollywood.  I’m sure Demi Moore’s Cap-N-Crunch chicken salad nor the other patrons will mind.  Alex ends up dancing because she claims that she’s always the one to jump up and dance eve though no one would ever guess that.  You mean people don’t guess that Alex is the life of the party?  Shocking.  Sidenote:  Me gusta when LuAnn whispered that Ramona was “horny” when she was watching the dancers.  And I’m sure LuAnn couldn’t wait to get her penis near a horned up Ramona.

Some other stuff happens but, let’s face it, this episode is about 90 minutes and I’m already almost over it.  Things take an interesting turn when LuAnn, Pointless Cindy, and Kelly are all getting Henna tattoos and suddenly you can hear Alex doing a combination of a tap dance and a gallop down the stairs.  She busts (bustless) into their Henna room and demands to speak with LuAnn.  They all legit laugh at her over this and Alex continues to make odd mouth shapes with her odd shaped mouth.  As she tries to confront LuAnn about some BS that she’s pretty much making up in hopes that when they edit her scenes together it seems dramatic, the girls continue to laugh at her and Kelly takes about 10 minutes worth of calling Alex weird, crazy, and inauthentic.  She actually, on camera, is yelling at Alex and saying, “No one acts like this.  If you want to talk to us you have to act normal.  Now reenter the room.”  Brilliant.  I like how Kelly is somehow the new voice of reason.  I mean, she’s as crazy and painful as a bag of blue balls, but she is the voice of truth nonetheless.

As the faux-fighting continues, LuAnn at one point dismisses Alex by saying, “I’m done with this conversation, you can go now.”  She pretty much was like the host from The Weakest Link.  Damn it I miss that lady.  If they ever have a remake of Webster, they better cast her as Ma’am or I’m going to be pissed. Anyway, Kelly keeps telling Alex that she’s weird and leaves the room.  However, you can still hear Kelly from a room away talking to herself and yelling about how ridiculous Alex is and how she’s pissed that now her tattoo is ruined.  She actually screams and says, “Who’s going to fix this?  Santa?”  Why yes, I’m pretty sure Santa is going to fix this.  In fact, I’m pretty sure Santa edited this episode too.

Kelly comes back to keep yelling about her tattoo to Alex all whilst Ramona and Sonja are running around the property and giggling over trying to find the dresses that the random designer made for them.  Seriously, what is this episode even about?  At one point as Alex is rambling, Kelly tells her to close her eyes before she continues and then tells her to open her eyes again.  Huh?  She’s like, “Close your eyes.  Ok, open your eyes.”  Is she hypnotizing her?  Is she hypnotizing me?  How the hell long is this episode?  Meanwhile, Jill busts up the hypnotherapy session by showing everyone her new perm that some random employee just gave her.  It was legit a perm.  I am, once again, confused by all of this.  I feel like the editors basically played 52 card pickup with all this footage.

Later, another fight starts when people forget LuAnn’s golden rule which is, of course, that dinner is promptly at 8pm…followed by 2 back to back performances of Money Can’t Buy You Class.  Fine, I made that last part up.  First up, Alex, Ramona, and Sonja all “allegedly” had their dinners sent up to their rooms and will not be joining the rest of the ladies.  Suddenly, 30 minutes later Alex shows up to dinner while LuAnn is mid-sentence talking crap about her and Jill has to “naturally” yell out, “LuAnn!  Alex is here!”  Yeah, I’m sure Alex didn’t pick up on that.  After LuAnn makes Alex feel like she was responsible for the Holocaust by being late for dinner, Alex decides to take her plate of leaves up to her room.  Maybe she would have stayed, but Kelly escorted her out of the room telling her that she’s doing her a favor and just to be herself.  Is Kelly directing these episodes now?

Next up, 1 hour after that Ramona and Sonja come busting into the dining room like Lenny and Squiggy wanting to know what’s for dinner.  LuAnn does her best Madonna impression yet by saying, “The kitchen is closed.  This isn’t the Plaza Hotel, this is Morocco.”  She should have ended it with a performance of Vogue.  Ramona actually made me laugh because she kept saying to LuAnn, “Daaaarling, I didn’t have dinner sent to my room, Daaaarling, I just had a snack sent up at 4:00, Darrrling.”  Good old Ramona.  Never stop drinking!  Ramona disappears for a second and then comes back with all the snack plates that were brought up to her room like she was Carrot Top.  Per the “lessons of Kelly” Ramona ended up saying sorry to LuAnn for “forgetting” what time dinner was at.  Ramona was probably trashed when LuAnn told her the time and didn’t even remember that she was in Morocco.  During Ramona’s one on one interview she informed us that LuAnn was acting like the RA of the Riad.  Spot on.

In the end all the ladies put on their caftans and got creepy makeup put on all whilst we were forced to watch scenes of Mario and Simon at some 80’s pool hall and flirting with some random Asian chick.  Why, why and also, why?  I’m over it.  Discuss.

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