Real Housewives of New York City Recap: Apparently LuAnn’s Boyfriend is Ross Geller

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Basically three things happened in the season finale of Real Housewives of New York City: Bethenny and Jill meet up for lunch, LuAnn “performs” her song “Money Can’t Buy You Class” (we’ll get to that in a second), and Ramona finally finishes her renewal process from hell.  Let’s take a walk through each of these craptastic situations.  Join me, won’t you?  Won’t you?  Shant you?

I actually believe that the lunch meeting with Bethenny and Jill is real.  Usually I can tell when scenes are scripted or over produced as I am quite the loser and watch, literally, hundreds of thousands of hours of television programming.  Jill is putting her mouse tail between her legs and begging Bethenny for forgiveness, which is pretty fitting since I always say that Jill does remind me of the girl mouse from “An American Tale.”  If she finished the lunch with a techno version of “Somewhere Out There” I’m sure Bethenny would have forgiven her.  Perhaps they could have had a dance-off too.  It’s called muli-tasking?  Try it sometime.

Anylatkes, Jill doesn’t want to drudge up the past and either does Bethenny, but Bethenny won’t back down and is stating that Jill is having altercations and issues with each of her scripted friends.  This makes Jill hide her face in shame in her cloth napkin, which is ironic as I hide my face in shame whilst watching LuAnn perform her song later in the episode.  Again, we’ll get to that later.  Jill tries to smooth things over the same way that countries end wars….by offering the other person homemade potato latkes.  Ole!  No joke, Jill brought them with her…to a restaurant…in her own Tupperware.  She should have asked the waiter to heat them up for 15 minutes at 350, or until they brown on top.  Why do I have a feeling that Jill is doing this just so she can turn it into a cook book that she’ll be selling next season?  I’m sure it will sell like hotlatkes.

At the end of the “lunch” Jill treats the situation like a real first date and asks Bethenny if she would like to do it again sometime.  Awkward.  She should have waited a day and then called her.  I wonder if she went in for the kiss when the date ended?  Tongue from Jill probably tastes like soggy mouse and I’m not even going to go there on how I know that.

Spoiler Alert:  Get your resuscitating equipment ready because you’re like to die from secondhand embarrassment.  It’s LuAnn’s big night and she’s about to sing “Money Can’t Buy You Class.”  I assumed she would be singing “Simply Irresistible” as Jill is clearly dressed like one of Robert Palmer’s backup dancers from the video.  She was just missing the guitar.  As a sidenote, my favorite Spanish phrase in 6th grade was, “Yo toco la guitarra.”  That is all.  Moving on….

We finally get to meet LuAnn’s boyfriend.  The mystery is over!  LuAnn is dating Ross Geller, which I think is awesome because (as you know) I’ve always wanted to know if the “Friends” were really friends.  No joke, I’m pretty sure this dude is David Schwimmer.  As soon as I saw him I sat up and high-fived myself and thought this couldn’t get any better….but then it did.  It got better because LuAnn started singing.  At least I think it was singing.  I’m pretty sure they just edited in her CD version in post production.  Doesn’t matter.  Either way it was worth the wait.  She’s spewing things out about text messaging on a date and wiping your cooch from front to back like a real lady.  I have no idea, the lyrics make no sense to me.  All I know is that the audience reactions to her “singing” totally captured my attention.  Kelly was singing the lyrics word-for-word which scares me more than I can ever describe.  Sonja is throwing her hands up in the air like she’s reliving her coke-binge days at Studio 54.  At one point there is some Asian dude in the background throwing out “gang signs” as he fist-pumps to the music.  All a wonderfully horrific scene.

I also loved the way that LuAnn came out on stage.  She walked down the stairs like your drunken great-aunt at a family wedding and was yelling into the mic “Are you ready to rock-n-roll?  As you know, I’m LuAnn!”  Really?  She’s like Madonna with only one name, but not a cool one.  She could have basically been like, “Are you ready to rock-n-roll?  As you know, I’m Francis.”  Woooo!  Hot.  As Ramona would say, “It’s hot.  Like Hooters girls are hot.  This is hot.”

In the end it was time for Ramona’s wedding renewal.  She actually looked really good.  I imagine this is what Kathy Lee Gifford would look like had she ever put any effort into it.  The guy who is “marrying” Ramona and Mario is basically trying to do shtick.  At one point he brings up Mario’s love of ass.  Awesome.

Ramona wrote her own vows, which makes me nervous.  At one point she says that 17 years ago when she got married to Mario she didn’t know if the marriage would last, but now she knows it will.  Huh?  Uh, keep those cards close to your vest Ramona.  I’m actually surprised she didn’t say her standard thing she’s been saying all season (insert Ramona voice) “I’ve been married to a wonderful man for 17 years, 17 years of marriage, who I love more today than I did 17 years ago. Mario, you know I adore you.  I’ve adored you for 17 years of marriage, for 17 years, we’ve been married for 17 years.  I’m renewing everything.  I’m renewing my hair and I’m renewing my love for my husband of 17 years.  I’m doing the best I can (do the Ramona side-shoulder), I’m doing the best I can (side-shoulder).

Everyone cries during the vows and apparently I’m dead inside because I feel nothing.  Maybe because I keep flipping back and forth to the Celtics/Lakers game and I’m watching the Celtics, who are down 10, lose.  I kinda blame Ramona and Mario for this.  Anyway, at the reception Kelly shows the gift she made for Ramona which was pictures she took from the Virgin Islands shoved into a Walgreens photo album.  Oh.  Nice.  Bethenny thanks Ramona and Alex for being there for her this year and that she can trust them now.  Alex tries to say hello to Jill and tell her she’s glad she came, but Jill wants no part of it.  Same old Jill.

It was good that they all, pretty much, ended on a good note.  However, I can’t wait for the Reunion Show next week where I hear some good sh*t went down.

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